Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

Why are you so afraid of being legally tied to someone? Are you secretly not happy with the relationship and hoping to keep your options open?

No! I am very happy with the relationship. I don't want to marry anyone.

Look at some of the posts on this website - "my DH has been having a 10 year affair and I had no idea", "My DH is emotionally abusive but the house is in both of our names and he is refusing to leave". You never expect the person you're with to betray or or hurt you, but you seriously can never really know anyone or who they'll turn into in 10/20/30 years.

I don't want to be in a situation where I desperately want to leave and have to go through selling the house, lawyers, dividing up money etc. If DP did something completely unexpected that meant I needed to leave, I could just go immediately and be settled into my house in a month or two and only have to sort kid stuff. Knowing that is what keeps me feeling relaxed and safe.

OP you are taking the hysteria in very good spirits!

I ended up getting married for legal reasons, but without them would have flowed a similar approach re marriage.

We had the same name conundrum and went hyphenated. It isn't perfect, as it is a mouthful, but no other solution seemed fair to me - and given I felt strongly I wanted my children to have my name, I could understand his also feeling that way.

The unwillingness to compromise, though, would piss me off. This should be a joint decision and in any case you have the final say, so if anyone should be coming up with compromises and worrying about keeping the other party happy it shouldn't be you!

OP I think you've got your head screwed on.

You should give your baby your surname because you want to. The end.
His unwillingness to compromise and the sulky 'oh don't want to do that' re double barrel is a sign that deep down he expects that he should get his way.

Best reason of all to do it your way.

Alexandernevermind Thank you I am used to having this conversation with my mother so it doesn't phase me any more

The unwillingness to compromise, though, would piss me off

I think he was just shocked at the idea so responded badly. Also I have siblings to "carry on the family name" and he doesn't, so that will be a factor in his mind.

I have 3 dcs with 2 different men and they’re all double barrelled on their BC yet go by 1 name day to day.

dd1’s dad has been absent for years so she dropped his name and I dropped my name for the other 2’s on their behalf. I trust dp (their dad) and will marry him 1 day but after such a bad experience the first time I knew that I wanted part of me in there too. It doesn’t bother me that they don’t use my name day to day but I like that there is a link between the 3 siblings and the 5 of us. Dp accepted this from day 1, there was never a discussion I don’t think, more just a ‘I’d like to do this’ followed by an ‘ok’.

I think your dp is being very unreasonable, how would he like it if roles were reversed? I wouldn’t settle for yours as a middle name either, stick to your guns, you’ve no reason to give in.

Tell him he can change his surname

@OddshoesOddsocks that's exactly what I think we should do, it's great to hear from someone who's done it. Most of the posters think that it's a crazy idea but I really like it and think it's a great compromise. Thank you for posting.

Will have another talk about it with DP tonight. I don't want to pull the "well it's actually my decision because only I can register the birth" card, he would understandably feel put out by that.

@yvanka YOU are allowed to 'feel put out' too, you know.

You are carrying his child and he is bullying you and attempting to dictate what you can or can't call the child that's currently part of your body.

You don't need to appease him or charm him or beg him. He has no power over you in this situation.

Having got divorced there is no way in hell I would ever agree to a child not having my surname.

I didn't go into marriage expecting to get divorced. But the divorce and reasons for it were horrific. It was a blessed relief to get my name back.

At the time the courts wouldn't allow me to double barrel the kids name. Apparently
my ex needed DS to continue the family
name (I kid not this was in the judgement). If course the whole thing went even more wrong. My kids have been left, for the time being, with a surname of someone they now have nothing to do with and who was violent to them. We'd rather not remind him we exist by trying to change it. When they are old enough they will as they hate it. None of this was predictable either at marriage or the kids birth.

Yes different names are a pain. Everything from travelling to a GPs phone call. DS has involvement with Different medical professionals. I regularly get called "Mrs ExH/DS' name" and whilst that doesn't cause upset anymore, I do then have the debate of correcting it and looking petty or being called it indefinitely. Being told off by the customs officer for having the wrong type of copy of the birth certificate was interesting.

I wouldn't change my name for anyone and I wouldn't give children a name other than my own. I would double barrel as a compromise. maybe.

Given you have your own property, I also think you are right not getting married.

Honestly, I think you should register the birth with your surname, and if he's that bothered, your OH can change his own surname without getting married. Then you can all match.

Give the child his surname as the middle name. Make your surname the actual surname - it'll save you a load of administrative grief later.

@yvanka

Will have another talk about it with DP tonight. I don't want to pull the "well it's actually my decision because only I can register the birth" card, he would understandably feel put out by that.

You don't have to angle it like that, which he could take to be a threat.

Pointing out the hypocrisy, and that you want your child to have your name as much as he does, should by rights be enough. If he needs further persuading, mentioning that you are the one carrying the child, and quite likely then taking on more of the caregiving (making it more practical for them to have yours), should really make him see that his argument lacks logic and he is speaking purely out of male entitlement. If he wasn't concerned by his child having his name for patriarchal reasons, he would see the sense in giving them the name that is most practical.

OP, in case the roles were reversed and the dad's name was actually the default option, your DP could go and register the baby himself and you would need to convince him to compromise - do you think he would be doing what you are doing right now? Looking for compromises and offering all kinds of options so you would also be happy?
If yes, all good. Or would he in your shoes just say it's my name and that's it?

It didn’t cause any delay the official just telling me in a conversational way that it might be needed.

The thing that is a myth is needing permission from the other parent. That’s just nonsense. But it’s not a myth that you should be prepared to prove they’re you’re child. HTH.

It wasn't a discussion when I had DS, he has my name and if we get married then dp can chose to take mine if he wants but I'm not changing it.

I would have laughed on his face if he thought I was going to give DS his name after I went through the birth! X

@barnhen

Honestly, I think you should register the birth with your surname, and if he's that bothered, your OH can change his own surname without getting married. Then you can all match.

Give the child his surname as the middle name. Make your surname the actual surname - it'll save you a load of administrative grief later.

Thats also a good suggestion for him. He changes his name to match.

I had my dc when I wasn't married and he has my last name. People remarked on how 'generous' his dad was to 'let' me do it...when we weren't together and he wasn't contributing. lol.

In your case double barrelling seems like the only solution. You're compromising with that - so your partner should too.

So he doesn't want the tradition of marriage but he does want to follow the tradition of the name.
So tell him you're following the tradition of giving the baby your name as you're unwed.

Oh and you cannot possibly know how many dc you want. You seem to accept change happens in relationships but not that change happens after you become a mother? I think both of you may want to think a lot of things through before you bring a dc in the world. I'd rather be married in your situation but fair enough. The thing is if marriage makes you feel trapped already then I really think somethings not quite right in your relationship already.
Of course I don't mean run out and get married, only that that is a rather odd way to think prior to having dc with this man.

OP, it strikes me that you simply want to share your last name with your child (and are happy for the child to share your partner's last name too, so that you would both be in the same position), whereas your partner wants your joint child to have ONLY his last name (to the exclusion of yours). You are not coming at this from similar points of view or with similar goals (if you were, the obvious compromise of double barrelling would be an easy solution).

I have to say I would be most unimpressed with your partner's statement that he doesn't want your child to have a double barrelled name on the grounds that they are "common" (?) or that the child should have only his name because "it is tradition" (which, as you point out, is incorrect - even in hospital, I believe, the baby's name tag will say Baby Mumslastname).

The default in this situation is either for the baby to have the mother's name or for the baby to be double barreled. He can take his pick!

I'd always give a baby the dads name unless there was a genuine reason not to.
It was different for me because I was married and had my husbands name. But even if I wasn't I'd still have given our baby his dads name because I'd have known one day I'd have the same name as well.

@yvanka - my DP and I aren’t married and have no intention of marrying. Our DD is now 2.5. It sounds like your relationship is similar to mine - we essentially live as a married couple do financially (in terms of splitting costs etc). Maybe it’s less of an issue because I’m financially secure so don’t have that to worry about.

I felt very strongly when I was pregnant that our baby should have my name or be double barrelled. I was convinced I wouldn’t feel connected to the baby if we had different names as I wouldn’t be part of the family. In the end, we went with DP’s name as I could see how much it meant to him. It’s actually made no difference to me which surprised me as I felt so strongly that the baby should have my name. Having my name wouldn’t make her any more of a daughter to me.

I may not have explained this well. I think in a way it helped DP feel more connected to her because she had his name. I didn’t need to feel more connected.

That said, you need to discuss it and come to a decision together, not just give in.

@happymummy12345

I'd always give a baby the dads name unless there was a genuine reason not to. It was different for me because I was married and had my husbands name. But even if I wasn't I'd still have given our baby his dads name because I'd have known one day I'd have the same name as well.

This may have been the case for you, but there are many, many threads on here by women who thought they were definitely getting married and have a house, babies, and sahm status with a men who want to seem to dodge marriage at all costs.

If you’re not mattied then it should be the mother’s surname, that’s the tradition for many reasons. I’ve also heard that having a different surname to your baby can be a real headache at airports as need more paperwork, don’t know details but worth a google.

He’s being very unreasonable. There is simply no reason for the baby to have his name and it worries me for you that he isn’t willing to compromise on this when you’re the one who’s having to actually do the childbirth and pregnancy.