Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby's surname

468 replies

yvanka · 16/02/2021 08:37

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

OP posts:
LordOfTheOnionRings · 16/02/2021 20:13

Me and my partner have a son and he has a boubke barreled name. He is OUR son and has our names.

waitingforgranny · 16/02/2021 20:16

OP, You sound sensible and financially secure: I am not married, am not worried about it as I am
The breadwinner and I have more savings. My child took my partners name. Even if we did marry, I'd keep my surname professionally. So far, it's never been a problem. It's fairly commonplace for people to have different surnames to their children these days. Teachers, doctors etc do understand and there's never been any issues. I've never been referred to as Mrs (child's name)

Pick the nicest name that goes well with the first name. Pick the one that your child will be proudest to own and easiest to live with

InkyWinky · 16/02/2021 20:38

@waitingforgranny

OP, You sound sensible and financially secure: I am not married, am not worried about it as I am The breadwinner and I have more savings. My child took my partners name. Even if we did marry, I'd keep my surname professionally. So far, it's never been a problem. It's fairly commonplace for people to have different surnames to their children these days. Teachers, doctors etc do understand and there's never been any issues. I've never been referred to as Mrs (child's name)

Pick the nicest name that goes well with the first name. Pick the one that your child will be proudest to own and easiest to live with

I've only read the first few pages of this thread and was feeling rather dismayed. So it was good to see that someone else gave their child the father's surname and had no problem doing so. Smile

I split from my ex when my child was very young, but we still get along okay.

Yes, at school I got called Mrs xxxxx, but if I'm bothered I can open my mouth and correct them. Also I'm more bothered about the assumption about being a married woman which I'm not. Hmm

Also aren't there many many divorced folk around? So most people are used to having different surnames to their mother or father.

HoppingPavlova · 16/02/2021 20:48

But i have been told that if i ever take my children to an airport i should expect really tiresome delays at immigration etc if my surname does not match my childrens surname

I think the key here is ‘tiresome delays*. As I said above, my kids have completely different names to both myself and DH so if ever there was a target for issues it would be us. Never been a problem. It had ranged from someone asking the kids who we were to having to show birth certificates. This has resulted in delays of 5mins or so. The way people on here have put it forward is that it’s onerous, hours, taken into a room/light shone in your eyes and questioned for hours, missed your flight kind of hassle. Again, for us never been more than several minutes and no drama.

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 20:48

@Inkywinky

i've only read the first few pages of this thread and was feeling rather dismayed. So it was good to see that someone else gave their child the father's surname and had no problem doing so. smile

But that is, by miles, the most common option in our culture. It's not a minority view that needs support. Posters have been trying to encourage the op to see past the demands of the patriarchal society we live in, as embodied by her bullying, controlling partner. Things will never improve unless individuals have the strength to challenge these norms.

Fluffyhairforever · 16/02/2021 20:50

OP, you said: I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious

Having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than getting married. You will be tied to this person for the rest of your life.

Gennia · 16/02/2021 21:56

It seems you have decided to go with the double barrelled surnames, which makes sense if you are happy with it. Also makes sense to just use the one surname for day to day use.

We had the same dilemma and we just gave our DC my surname as a middle name. That was because I didn’t like the idea of a double barrelled surname. I had the same concerns as you re travel etc, and hoped having the my surname as part of our DC’s name would be sufficient. Best of luck.

Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 22:24

if marriage makes you feel trapped already then I really think somethings not quite right in your relationship

My feelings about marriage far precede meeting DP, it's nothing to do with him as an individual or the strength of our relationship. If I was going to marry anyone then of course it would be him, we just don't want to.

I am actually shocked at the number of posters who can't get their head around this.

OP posts:
Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 22:40

I think in a way it helped DP feel more connected to her because she had his name. I didn’t need to feel more connected.

Yes that makes complete sense. I know I'll feel connected to the baby as I'm the one carrying and birthing it, but it's different for men as they're not involved in the same way.

I wouldn't want DP to feel like an outsider or less of a parent, which is why I haven't pushed to just use my name, but I wish he could extend the same consideration for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 22:43

Haha DP would never change his last name to mine, he would find it emasculating. One of our friends did and he thought it was hilarious.

OP posts:
PamDenick · 16/02/2021 22:44

btw, congrats on your pregnancy and all the best for a lovely delivery…
Enjoy your new baby, whatever the surname!

LittleLadyCece · 16/02/2021 22:55

I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone

But isn't this what you're doing by having a baby with your partner? If it was me I'd double barrel the name. There has to be some form of compromise Smile All the best for the arrival!!

VestaTilley · 16/02/2021 22:55

You should get married.

Child should have your surname, or double barrelled. My DS’s son is double barrelled- no way was I carrying the baby, giving birth and doing the majority of the childcare and not giving him my name! Stand your ground.

Also, double barrelling isn’t common! Hmm

partyatthepalace · 16/02/2021 22:56

Double barrel it, you could argue it’s traditionally more posh than common.

However, as about a hundred other posters will tell you - you should get married. You don’t have to have a wedding or change your name, you don’t even have to tell anyone, but without it you are vulnerable to huge financial disadvantage for you and your child should you ever split up. You will find endless threads here of women who were shafted. If you have a philosophical objection to marriage then I guess you could go to a solicitor and legally arrangements for when you split up, but it would be expensive, you’ll have to keep updating it, and it may not hold water in court. Plus you won’t have a full claim on his pension if he were to croak.,

FamilyOfAliens · 16/02/2021 22:58

Also I have siblings to "carry on the family name" and he doesn't, so that will be a factor in his mind.

Haha DP would never change his last name to mine, he would find it emasculating. One of our friends did and he thought it was hilarious.

He sounds like a dinosaur, OP.

Originalusername2021 · 16/02/2021 22:59

We have 3 different last names in our house, none of my children have my last name, does it matter? It doesn’t make them any less my children.

Oldat40 · 16/02/2021 23:08

I have just had a baby with my fiancê and we plan to marry when Covid allows. Baby is double-barrelled surname; fiancé's surname and my surname. When we marry we will both take each other's surname so we will all be double-barrel the same.
I'm staying Miss though - definitely not a Mrs (bleurgh!!) Grin

Hardbackwriter · 16/02/2021 23:18

@yvanka

Haha DP would never change his last name to mine, he would find it emasculating. One of our friends did and he thought it was hilarious.
Yeah, this combined with calling things he doesn't like 'common' and not actually understanding what a compromise is - good luck!
Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 23:23

Having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than getting married. You will be tied to this person for the rest of your life.

Sure we'll be 'tied' in the sense that our DNA is combined in a little human that we look after together, but that's not a particularly scary prospect to me and I disagree that it's a bigger commitment than marriage.

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 16/02/2021 23:24

He sounds like a dinosaur, OP.
That's kind. I thought he sounded like a right wanker.!

Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 23:25

@Gennia how has that worked out for you, or too soon to say?

OP posts:
Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 23:29

You should get married.

Well that changes things, I will get the church booked. Thanks @VestaTilley

OP posts:
Original poster
yvanka · 16/02/2021 23:44

Haha I really didn't intend for this to become a thread about the pros and cons of marriage, but seeing a lot of strong opinions.

without it you are vulnerable to huge financial disadvantage for you and your child should you ever split up

What do you mean, @partyatthepalace? I won't be at all vulnerable.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 17/02/2021 00:02

No, having a child with someone is definitely a bigger commitment than getting married.

You can’t get divorced from your child.

RootyT00t · 17/02/2021 00:06

I can't believe you didn't have this conversation before. Double barrelled. Has to be.

And it's not common 🤣

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread