Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@hammeringinmyhead

Is it? Maybe your dad looked a bit shifty.

Indeed. He's not white so I'm sure you would think so.[/quote]
ODFOD. How do you know what ethnicity I am?

@AtLeastThreeDrinks

Thanks all with your answers re immigration. @SomersetHamlyn, could you expand on this? Don't do the middle name thing. Or if you do, his name should.be the middle name and yours the surname.

Yes, happy to expand. I know many families who have gone for this as a 'compromise'.

In reality, it's no compromise at all. No one ever asks for or uses the middle name. The children are known to everyone both formally and informally as Firstname Dadsname.

The end result is exactly the same as just giving them the dad's name.

If in doubt, just suggest to your partner doing it the other way round, your name as surname, his as middle, and see what he says.

I wasn't married to DH when I had Ds1. I gave him my surname. DH wasn't happy about it but when we married, we changed Ds surname so we all had the same.

Currently Ds is expecting his first child with his girlfriend. No plans to marry so baby will be double barrelled so they are both happy

@hammeringinmyhead

ODFOD. How do you know what ethnicity I am?

What ethnicity are you?

If you are not white, then that is why you were stopped at immigration in the US.

You're not being unreasonable. His ego is dented.

There's no such thing as a legal name in England & Wales, only the name we use and are known as.

So your "compromise" of double-barrel but only ever using his father's name means that his surname would only be his father's. Nothing special would have to be done to drop your name from passport renewals or future documents like driving licences. It doesn't work as a plan if you want him to actually have your name.

It's curious that you're busy trying to find a way to give him what he wants and talking yourself out of something perfectly reasonable (and as you say, traditional, which apparently is important to your partner so it's surprising this didn't settle the matter) in order that he can be "happy".

Is he similarly agonising over making you happy and honouring the real tradition for you? Or just his male pride and getting what he wants?

I’m married but didn’t change my name - baby will have my name!

I’m the one who bloody carried the baby and had to give birth ffs

He wants tradition, and tradition is that baby takes mum’s surname. So put that to him. You’re both happy then. Him because he got his wish for tradition, you because you don’t want him to only have his name.

Double barrelling is the only fair compromise if he isn’t happy with that.

@allStarsShiningUpAboveYou

They won’t end up in court because any good lawyer will tell her that unless they are married or in a civil partnership, she won’t have a legal leg to stand on or any rights to anything except basic maintenance for their offspring.

Also OP, your house is rented out, which means that when/if you go to sell, any profit will be subject to capital gains tax. His house, however, given you live in it, will not.

Also I never understand how marriage would leave anyone feeling trapped (rather than protected) yet having a child with that person wouldn’t. 🤷‍♀️

I didn't change my name when I got married. Some of my children have my surname and some my husband's (seemed a good compromise at the time). Never had any problems. I don't much care if a random nurse doing vaccinations (or similar) gets my name wrong, but can't honestly remember any instances of that. I'm usually just so-and-so's mum.

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@AtLeastThreeDrinks

Thanks all with your answers re immigration. @SomersetHamlyn, could you expand on this? Don't do the middle name thing. Or if you do, his name should.be the middle name and yours the surname.

Yes, happy to expand. I know many families who have gone for this as a 'compromise'.

In reality, it's no compromise at all. No one ever asks for or uses the middle name. The children are known to everyone both formally and informally as Firstname Dadsname.

The end result is exactly the same as just giving them the dad's name.

If in doubt, just suggest to your partner doing it the other way round, your name as surname, his as middle, and see what he says.[/quote]
Thanks @SomersetHamlyn.

It's more about having my name on the baby's passport (although I'm looking online to see whether that even makes a difference at immigration). I wasn't originally that bothered about including it (long story but it's a made-up surname anyway that I'm not especially attached to) but the travel thing keeps coming up.

And he made the point that whichever surname we use, the other parent could face faff at immigration!

Sorry to derail OP. In your position (unmarried and not planning to marry) I'd definitely double-barrel. It's the only fair solution.

we had a similar conversation (but are married though that makes no difference when it comes to surnames). I gave DH two choices - double barreled or just my surname. I told him that I would rather have both of our surnames but he can pick. DH hates double-barreled surnames so DCs only have mine. I was not prepared not to have my surname recognized somewhere seeing as DC are my kids but was happy to compromise on which form that would be in - so it was ultimately DHs choice but within the parameters that I could also cope with

I was in a similar situation and we went with double barrel. I think he will just have to accept that as you are each parents, you have equal rights to the surname. I have only flown a couple of times and not far, but had no issues at airport.

Absolutely not a myth. My dc don’t have my name, and I felt like I wouldn’t have got into the us without a letter from my husband. They weren’t random 10th person in line questions, everyone who travels a bit has had that, but focussed questions on where my child’s dad was. I’ve also had a few questions coming into london where they asked my dc who I was etc.

That’s got nothing to do with names. That’s because you were travelling without the other parent.

Could you point out that maybe he’s a bit confused in his sense of what ‘common’ is? I doubt anyone thinks double-barrelling surnames is common (think Parker-Bowles, etc), even those who find double-barrelled first names ‘common’?

It is to do with the names. Certain airlines have rules for adult and children with different surnames.

@ILoveShula

It is to do with the names. Certain airlines have rules for adult and children with different surnames.

Which airlines?

Marriage is a legal contract with the intention of ensuring the family unit is financially protected.

That's why everything is shared equally in it. It really would be a madness contract to enter into in any circumatnces unless you were intending to enter a shared endeavor of creating dependent little people which benefitted/ bring joy to you both but would likely lead to inequitable financial roles.

That's what marriage does.

Your finances are equal now. But you will almost inevitably take financial hits through lost opportunity through maternity leave, lost opportunity from possible part time work, narrowed oppportunies through being regarded as the main carer who needs to pick up/ take time off/ attend school events and medical appointments, or maybe through just being a women who really wants to dedicate herself to child care for some years and not career, as some do.

Through having a child, you will in all liklihoood expreience some degree of financial loss that a man will not.

If you are happily married and everything is shared equally this is OK, your role as a main carer is financially protected.
If you are married and split, you at least get half of what was accrued when you were taking the loss/ caring role.
If you split and are not married - your loss was your loss, his gain was his gain and off he goes with it. With the liklihood you will have even more significant financial loss now, as you will be a single parent for a large chunk of the time whihc will limit your options.

I really wish women underrstood this about marriage.
If you are going to have children it protects you and them.

The name thing: can you give a single rason why he should get his name and you shouldn't? The only one seems to be 'he wants it'.
you've offered a 'compromise' which still writes your name out on a daily basis, and he's even rejected that.

When someone offers a self sacrifing, you get most of what you want butjust give me this bit 'compromise' and that's still rejectde because they want everything, it makes me a bit hmmm??

His laid back untraditional parents seem to have failed to pass this on.

Tell him he can have his name as a middle name. (Not yours!)
Ultimately, it's your choice - he doesn't get a say.

@YourWurstNightmare

There is no reason to default to the father's surname. I'd go with your surname and use his surname as a middle name. Leave out the hyphen for simplicity.

I'd go with this.

Why? Because if you double barrel and by default it's his surname that gets used every day, then eventually you will end up being called by his surname, especially in a school/nursery setting.

Been there, it happened to me. School seemed unable to call me by my surname, and kept calling me Mrs his surname.

If I had the chance to go back and do it all again, my DC would have my surname, especially since we split and the DC wanted nothing to do with ex. Both my name and ex's are not suitable for double barrelling, they are too long. My surname is better, anyway.

If you're going to double barrel as a compromse, put your surname last.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

It’s her dp that has said a hyphenation of two surnames was common, not me.

Have a think - if he had the legal right to name the baby, do you even think you'd be having this discussion? He would have just TOLD you what name your baby was having and to suck it up.

Exactly that.

It is not risky to not get married if you have your own income and property. Wills are a very good idea, but marriage is not essential.

Anyway. You don't have to change your name even if you do get married. Would you really give the baby his surname if you got married but retained your own name? Keep your name, give the baby your name, add his as a double-barrel if he decides that's a reasonable compromise.

For what it's worth, I'm not married, our baby has my surname, and my partner is absolutely fine with that. We've been together a very long time and I always made it clear if we had a child they would have my name, and I would never change my name on marriage. If we split there won't be any inheritance tax to pay because we don't have anywhere near enough assets.

We are not married, I wanted to use just my surname because we are not married with DPs surname as a middle name. He didn't like that even though his surname is not the surname he was born with. He had his changed when his mother remarried. In the end the compromise was double barrelling with a hyphen dad's name hyphen mumsname. If one half of a double barrelled name gets dropped it's usually the first one so I ensured mine was the last name. We have been engaged for 8 years, if we ever do get married we will both change our names to the double barreled name we gave our ds.

Did your DP take his mother or fathers surname?

His father's.

The more you insist on having your name and not his, the more you entertain the tiny, disrespecting, unrealistic voice in his head "what if this baby is not mine?

Sorry this made me giggle