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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby's surname

468 replies

yvanka · 16/02/2021 08:37

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 16/02/2021 13:49

It's not a myth. I went on holiday with my friend's family to the US when I was under 18 and we were asked for a letter of consent, which we had. They only noticed because my surname didn't match the parents'.

JustLyra · 16/02/2021 13:50

@AtLeastThreeDrinks

Slight tangent, but would you still expect delays at immigration if the child had the mother's name as a middle name?

We're married but I haven't changed my name. Thinking of having the baby's middle name as my surname rather than double-barrelling, but the travelling thing is a concern.

Yes. Being stopped has, the vast majority of the time, nothing to do with names.

It normally takes five minutes tops and everyone goes on their way. It's not something that should really (imo as someone who shares a name with some kids and not others and has travelled a lot with both sets) play a part in choosing the name.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 16/02/2021 13:50

He sounds like a prick. It's ok for you to compromise but not him?

And what he says about double barrelling being common seems incorrect too.

If he won't budge then 100% baby should have your name. You've carried it and will birth it. If anyone gets it, it's you.

Kokeshi123 · 16/02/2021 13:51

What happens if you have a child who is disabled and one of you winds up having to give up their career in order to care for them? Whoever does this is likely to end up financially very vulnerable. It's usually the mother who does this.

Why are you so afraid of being legally tied to someone? Are you secretly not happy with the relationship and hoping to keep your options open?

JustLyra · 16/02/2021 13:54

@Bubblebu

Gertrude makes a good point.

I have changed my surname back to my maiden name on my passport but for work still use my married name (as i used it for over 10 years whilst married and the upheaval of changing every single thing back is massive)

But i have been told that if i ever take my children to an airport i should expect really tiresome delays at immigration etc if my surname does not match my childrens surname

It's rubbish that it causes tiresome delays.

It's a couple of minutes at most. Usually goes as far as "Who is this?" "Mummy" End of.

It happens equally often to people with the same name, but people just don't comment on it because it's just accepted that when you travel you'll sometimes be the 10th/15th people through so you'll be the one to get your bags searched/questions asked.

Daisysflowers · 16/02/2021 14:01

Definitely give the child your surname.

My son has mine and it’s definitely the best choice I have ever made.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2021 14:02

It’s not a myth. You’ve just been lucky, as have I.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2021 14:02

It was passport control who first told me this could happen another time, not some sort of old wives tale.

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 14:04

@hammeringinmyhead

It's not a myth. I went on holiday with my friend's family to the US when I was under 18 and we were asked for a letter of consent, which we had. They only noticed because my surname didn't match the parents'.

I was stopped when my dad took me abroad for a short holiday when I was 8. We have the same surname.

Meanwhile I have taken my own kids abroad multiple times every year since 2009 and never once been stopped.

RedMarauder · 16/02/2021 14:04

OP just double-barrell.

And as you aren't married it is up to you to tell him what order all the names go in.

JustLyra · 16/02/2021 14:05

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

It was passport control who first told me this could happen another time, not some sort of old wives tale.
It is nonsense that it causes huge delays. Billions of families over the world come from traditions where the woman keeps her own name and the children have the man's name. Passport controls and immigration are more than used to it.

The only time it causes drama is if people have a hissy fit or haven't complied with what they're meant to do (permission letter from the other parent for example).

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 14:05

@RedMarauder Tulip Siddiq is Asian and Muslim. I would bet my entire life that that is why they stopped her.

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2021 14:08

@hammeringinmyhead

It's not a myth. I went on holiday with my friend's family to the US when I was under 18 and we were asked for a letter of consent, which we had. They only noticed because my surname didn't match the parents'.
Absolutely not a myth. My dc don’t have my name, and I felt like I wouldn’t have got into the us without a letter from my husband. They weren’t random 10th person in line questions, everyone who travels a bit has had that, but focussed questions on where my child’s dad was. I’ve also had a few questions coming into london where they asked my dc who I was etc.
hammeringinmyhead · 16/02/2021 14:09

Meanwhile I have taken my own kids abroad multiple times every year since 2009 and never once been stopped.

Well, aren't you lucky.

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 14:13

@hammeringinmyhead

I don't think something that happens every single time, over and over again, without fail, can be described as 'luck', no.

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 14:13

P.s. interesting you chose to ignore the other half of my short post in which I pointed out that my dad and I were stopped and questioned despite having the same surname.

YoniAndGuy · 16/02/2021 14:14

Haha so yes he wants his name, you offer a compromise and he still says no? It has to be just his name ?

Off you fuck, then!

OP I think this tells you everything you need to know about whose name your baby should have. Have a think - if he had the legal right to name the baby, do you even think you'd be having this discussion? He would have just TOLD you what name your baby was having and to suck it up.

Your surname only.

If you both decide later to either marry and alter names, or to BOTH change to a new surname, he can share a name with the baby then.

Until then, he gets to learn a valuable lesson about compromising. When someone offers to compromise, don't have a tantrum and insist on having your own way.

hammeringinmyhead · 16/02/2021 14:14

Perhaps those who have experienced being stopped are making it up, then.

hammeringinmyhead · 16/02/2021 14:14

@SomersetHamlyn

P.s. interesting you chose to ignore the other half of my short post in which I pointed out that my dad and I were stopped and questioned despite having the same surname.
Is it? Maybe your dad looked a bit shifty.
yikesanotherbooboo · 16/02/2021 14:15

I am an appeaser so would probably have gone along with my DP in this scenario but I don't think you should. It is not tradition for DC to take the father's surname if the parents aren't married for a start. If that is his argument he is plain wrong. The reality of life in most families is that the DC are more often with their mother than their father and so it is convenient and practical to share names. If this issue is really important to his male ego and you feel the need to compromise I agree with pp's suggestion of the Spanish solution rather than a hyphenated double barrel then either or both can be used.

YoniAndGuy · 16/02/2021 14:15

And all this about travel, tradition etc - not even really relevant.

OP wants her baby to have her name.

She's offered to have both but he just wants his.

So the answer is no. The answer is CERTAINLY not - oh ok, I'll just roll over and give you your way, even though you've just demonstrated that you don't give a fuck what I want and you can't compromise on something incredibly important.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 16/02/2021 14:16

Thanks all with your answers re immigration. @SomersetHamlyn, could you expand on this?

Don't do the middle name thing. Or if you do, his name should.be the middle name and yours the surname.

SomersetHamlyn · 16/02/2021 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hammeringinmyhead · 16/02/2021 14:19

Less tongue in cheek, I must admit I'm not really sure what the point of mentioning your dad being stopped was. Will the OP be ok either way because she is female?

If immigration questions those with different surnames (my experience) and lone fathers (yours) then the whole issue is even less of a "myth".

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