Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

@yvanka

obviously Double Barreling is the fairest solution, even then you are saying that the child can drop your name at school though, why?

Because I don't mind him being known by his dad's name in everyday life, I just want to know that mine's on anything important too. I don't want to get stopped and questioned at the airport (this has happened to a few of my friends) or anywhere else.

It won’t make a difference to things like that.

I have been stopped more often with my youngest kids, who I share a name with, than my elder two that I don’t. More people are stopped and asked questions because they are more aware of situations where people take kids now. It’s nothing to do with names - billions of children over the world come from cultures where they have a different name (or at least part different) to their mother.

He's not giving much flexibility here is he? Like it's either his name or...what?

Can't be your name, can't be double barrelled, what is his compromise? Or doesn't he have one?

It's very his way or the highway with the name, that would irk me tbh

Double barrelled names are very usual amongst upper class families so they don't have to be 'common'. I think that double barrelling sounds like the best solution to the problem.

Tradition haha... having a baby and not being married isn't 'tradition' to start off with.
My partner and I aren't married and have a child. She got dads last name because we thought his went better with her first and last name. If you can't agree on one then double barrel it, end of story.

*middle name.. not last.

I was married. Never changed my name, dc all had my last name. ExH hated double barrelled so we decided boys = hisname girls = myname. We had girls.

It was never a problem (they're all adults now)

So many seemingly open-minded and fair men suddenly reveal their inner 1950s husband when it comes to their child's surname.

@GraduallyWatermelon

I am just not comfortable legally and financially tying myself to anyone, it would make me feel trapped and anxious.

As opposed to having a child with someone, which not only ties you with 1 but 2 people with almost no routes out.

Double barrelled is the only way to go I think.

Quite.

At the end of the day the surname is basically already set because at birth the hospital will write ‘baby girl/boy YourName’ on the ID bracelets and medical info.

The red book for recording vaccinations / weight etc you’ll be given which will already include their NHS number etc will all say ‘baby girl/boy YourName’.

So the only real debate is whether or not baby will have your DPs name added so it becomes ‘baby girl/boy YourName - HisName’ With or without the hyphen.

Basically DP can decide if he wants his added or not but he doesn’t get to change the babys name to solely just if you don’t want it changing

My partner and I are unmarried and I gave both our DC his surname as I was young and stupid and thought that it was tradition.

At the time, my dad was not happy with me and explained that they should have my surname but I thought he just wanted the babies to have his surname.

Anyway, DP and I are still together and still unmarried as I, like you OP, do not want to tie myself financially to anyone.

However, I really regret giving them DP's surname. DP and I have spoken about marriage and I maintain that I would never change my name even if by some miracle I did want to marry, which makes me feel even more stupid about giving DC his surname.

To make it worse, DP's surname is already double barrelled so my DC have a double barrelled surname that doesn't include my own and that cause no end of confusion. My DD is coming up to 18 and wants to change her surname to mine and it's just all a messy situation.

Give the child your name. Definitely. He'll get over it. And if he doesn't, well tough. There's a reason why you feel anxious about marrying him. Remember that.

If you live apart and are not married and are not pregnant...hear me out on this...it will cross any man's mind "what if this baby is not mine?".Please don't feel insulted by me saying this, it is true because it is possible. Even in a long term loving relationship, it is a normal though process because it is not an impossibility in the way it might be if you lived together.
Men can be incredibly dissociated from their kids in gestation, disbelief it's going to happen, denial, panic, whatever. They sure as heck don't "own" the kid in the same way as you-the kid is inside your body at the moment, not in his.
So the name thing to a man probably has a different meaning. It is one way of asserting yourself as parent. Irrational, yes, it's only a name.
The more you insist on having your name and not his, the more you entertain the tiny, disrespecting, unrealistic voice in his head "what if this baby is not mine?" Also "what if people do not know this kid is mine in the future?"
I do say this from experience, being in your situation years back, and our solution was to have his surname as middle name, not double barrelled.

**thoughT process, sorry

if you lived together.

They do.

The more you insist on having your name and not his, the more you entertain the tiny, disrespecting, unrealistic voice in his head "what if this baby is not mine?"

Christ sur une bicyclette

I was married, I took my ex husbands surname (after pressure from ex MIL) both of my children have his surname.

As soon as my second and last child was born he started having an extra marital affair and left me for her - (he has now married her and has a baby with her - she got him to agree to double barrel).

The one massive massive regret i have is that my children have his surname - he can hardly be arsed to be their Dad in any meaningful sense of the word and on reflection i think he acknowledged not one tiny jot of what i went through to bring two humans into the world which would be his children.

And i was actually married to him.

I think you would be mad to agree that your child has his surname.

I’d double barrel. My kids have a different name to me - I was married to their dad at the time when they were born and he wanted just his name for similar reasons. I never changed my name on marriage as I didn’t want to. I didn’t care at the time what name they had, but it’s been a right ball ache. Worrying about needing birth certs to go abroad (I’ve never been asked for them though) and even opening my Dd a bank account required extra documentation to prove I’m her mum.

So I’d go for double barrelled. Or marry and all have the same surname - not necessarily his though!

In your situation I would give the children your name.

Then IF you decide to marry later and IF your partner decides that he wants you all to have the same name, he can change his to yours.

Simple .

Gertrude makes a good point.

I have changed my surname back to my maiden name on my passport but for work still use my married name (as i used it for over 10 years whilst married and the upheaval of changing every single thing back is massive)

But i have been told that if i ever take my children to an airport i should expect really tiresome delays at immigration etc if my surname does not match my childrens surname

My advice would be get married. You’re putting yourself at massive risk not being married.

Double barrelling isn’t common, it could be argued having kids without being married it’s pretty common.

Sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh I just thinking calling something common is so nasty.

@Bubblebu

I have a different surname to my kids, taken them internationally many times alone and never once been stopped or delayed. Not once.

@SoupDragon

if you lived together.

They do.

Yes, sorry, you are of course right, my bad-I misread the bit about separate houses. I still think there's some truth in it though, evne if it's just because of not being married, or because of having the ability to live somewhere else without him relatively easy. Both these things might be unsettling at the back of the mind for a father to be

Slight tangent, but would you still expect delays at immigration if the child had the mother's name as a middle name?

We're married but I haven't changed my name. Thinking of having the baby's middle name as my surname rather than double-barrelling, but the travelling thing is a concern.

@Bubblebu

Gertrude makes a good point.I have changed my surname back to my maiden name on my passport but for work still use my married name (as i used it for over 10 years whilst married and the upheaval of changing every single thing back is massive)But i have been told that if i ever take my children to an airport i should expect really tiresome delays at immigration etc if my surname does not match my childrens surname

This is total nonsense. I've taken my children abroad many many times and this has never happened.

It's a complete myth.

@Playnoh

My advice would be get married. You’re putting yourself at massive risk not being married.

Double barrelling isn’t common, it could be argued having kids without being married it’s pretty common.

Sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh I just thinking calling something common is so nasty.

RTFT. The OP is not at 'massive risk'. She has her own property, and her own income.

If she does get married, it doesn't solve the name thing as she probably wouldn't change her name, given her outlook.

And of course it is nasty and judgemental to say hyphenating names is 'common' so why should she listen to her DPs objections to it?

@AtLeastThreeDrinks

Slight tangent, but would you still expect delays at immigration if the child had the mother's name as a middle name?

We're married but I haven't changed my name. Thinking of having the baby's middle name as my surname rather than double-barrelling, but the travelling thing is a concern.

It's not a real thing.

I kept my name. The kids are double barrelled. Been abroad more times than I can count to many different places. Never ever had any questions.

Don't do the middle name thing. Or if you do, his name should.be the middle name and yours the surname.