Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

I'd be wary of any man who wasn't willing to agree to a compromise of double barreling your child's name. Do not move on this.

OP you can up and leave your partner just as easily if you’re married or not, so no need to worry about that. Being married doesn’t mean you’re trapped with them forever. Having a child with someone, on the other hand, means you will never get them out of your life. You will always have something tying you together.

I don't understand why people who are against marriage for feminist purposes /go against tradition by having a baby unmarried then give the baby only the dad's surname. Women who get married and change their name get so much flak but giving your out-of-marriage baby the dad's surname is just the same if not a greater act of upholding the patriarchy in my opinion.

Why are you so attached to your name?

I’ve heard it all now!

@PotteringAlong

No LTB from me but I would think very carefully about having children without being married.

This. It’s easy, cheap and simplifies everything.

It never ceases to amaze me that adults want to be traditional when it suits them and discard tradition when it doesn't. A man who isn't a husband doesn't have a say in a baby's name. If he wants to be traditional about it, he should accept the woman's traditional right to name her children as she pleases. Unwed couples are very foolish often when it comes to naming their offspring.

these are my 'opinions' and thoughts for consideration for the actual OP. Who can do and think what she likes with them.

No, you've posted them on a public forum. That means anyone can reply as they see fit.

We were similar, my eldest has my surname as one of her middle names as a compromise. I didn't like going to doctors appointments with a different surname so changed my name by deedpoll when she was 4.

@Biffbaff I don't understand why people who are against marriage for feminist purposes /go against tradition by having a baby unmarried then give the baby only the dad's surname. Women who get married and change their name get so much flak but giving your out-of-marriage baby the dad's surname is just the same if not a greater act of upholding the patriarchy in my opinion.

I agree. I had my kids before I was married and they had my surname (his name as a middle name, I was well aware that this is a sop and that the middle name is meaningless).

When we got married we double-barrelled them. I respected that he was showing that greater level of commitment by getting married (it was all a mutual decision at every stage) and I thought it was only fair that they should have a true double-barrelled surname that included both of our names.

(Not incidentally, I also rejected all of the other patriarchal aspects of marriage.)

Women need to start recognising that we are equal human beings and that we have power and agency in our own lives. Names may seem trivial but if they were so meaningless, men wouldn't try so hard to enforce the use of their name.

OP: he has no power to influence your child's name. None at all. You are not married - that gives you certain powers that you would not have if married - including that you, and only you, have the right to register the child's birth. Don't be so willing and easy to give away control over your own life.

@TeeniefaeTroon We were similar, my eldest has my surname as one of her middle names as a compromise. I didn't like going to doctors appointments with a different surname so changed my name by deedpoll when she was 4.

So many women have shared similar stories on this thread. I wish that women in the OP's position would take note and would stand up for themselves and keep their name and give their children the same name while they can still make that decision.

@Teeniefaetroon are you married? Or have you just changed your name to his and given all four kids his name but without any benefit to you of being married?

There isn't a right or wrong. You'll have to fight it out between yourselves. The mother gets the choice I'd say.

You are willing to compromise and double barrel, he is not. So he's in the wrong. No way I'd give my child JUST my husband's surname and nothing of mine. A double-barrel compromise is perfect.

Also he's being a massive prick for saying it's "common". He certainly doesn't sound like much of a catch, but each to their own.

@Timpeall

I'd be wary of any man who wasn't willing to agree to a compromise of double barreling your child's name. Do not move on this.

Agreed. To me it's a sign of bigger things. Compromise is essential in a good relationship and if they can't compromise over something as significant as this, then there are likely going to be problems elsewhere.

It's actually a pretty easy situation to resolve if both sides are reasonable, kind people who care about the other's feelings. Oh, we both want our child to have our surname, let's use both then. Simple. Anyone making anything more of that, is not a very reasonable or kind person who cares about the other.

Have you actually pointed out to him that you are prepared to compromise and he’s not? And how unfair that is! Thats not to exactly an ‘excellent partner’ in my opinion. He’s completely disregarding your feelings on a very important decision (that’s arguably more your choice!).

I would sit down and explain the above to him. Then if I were you I would tell him that he legally has no say in the matter as you aren’t married. So he either agrees to double barrel or you will register baby with your name. He has to be at the appointment to be on the birth certificate (although there’s a form he can fill in so that he doesn’t have to), but ultimately as you aren’t married it’s your choice.

I'm right with you on the marriage thing and you can absolutely protect yourself - it takes effort - which you've made.

I double - barrelled even though I wanted them to have my surname. That's fair.

When we split up, we separated our assets in line with how we'd protected ourselves.

You've compromised. He's being very old-fashioned. Bit of a turn off!

In your shoes I'd be telling him to choose between double-barrelled or your name.

I agree.

Also, I recommend looking at the legal and financial disadvantages of having a child when you’re not married. Came as a nasty shock to a sweet and trusting relative of mine when her ‘devoted’ partner left them.

IF you’re paying rent then it’s going on his mortgage and you should have some ownership of house in long term. What about civil partnership as a compromise. If he dies you’ll have no bereavement payments or money towards funeral. I think you lose out on about ten grand

You've said he's trustworthy but over time as your career becomes eroded (statistically likely) by just having had children and his income hugely exceeds yours will you still be holidaying with him? You then gradually start taking up more childcare in holidays because that is financially "sensible" then he does the inevitable sorting off with someone else, doesn't pay any child maintenance as you often see on here. So why would you even commit to having children with someone else. You logic about no marriage (not trusting it and finances) should extend to no children.

Whoever will likely make the most sacrifices and be left with the donkey work of child rearing if you split gets their way.
So statistically you. Your surname. He can't just pick the best bits.

He’s hilarious talking about “tradition” and being “common” when he about to have a baby with a woman he’s not married to!
He’s legally nobody to you or your baby at this moment in time. He’s not even the father until you say he is on the BC.
You get to decide the name.
Personally I’d skip the double barrelled faff and give his surname as the middle name.
Then the baby can use it or not when they are older having not been condemned to years of writing out a really long name.

Make a new one altogether. We did. Took the letters of mine and the letters of his and made a ripper. Solved the issue entirely. All of our kids have the same surname. They have never been confused about who was their mum, who was their dad and neither were their schools, their friends or the Govnt. Never been an issue and was the best thing we did. Only people who were unhappy were DH’s parents but we try very hard to ignore them entirely.

honestly unless you are married, give baby your last name.

at best, double barrell,

i disagree entirely with fathers demanding baby has their last name. even if in a commited relationship - its such ownership!

even if you decide to get married in the future and baby has your last name, it can be changed!

if you split, and baby has his last name - that isnt getting changed!

he might be a great guy but on this he is being very unreasonable - double barrel at least!

Bubbles you dont/didnt have your father's name

You had your name!

Men don't own names

I’m not married to the father of my children. Had we married I wouldn’t have changed my name. My children carry his family name only because I don’t want to give them mine (my father does not deserve his name to be given to my children). Otherwise they would have had my name and I was very firm on that point. Now if I were to marry my partner i’d probably double barrel my name so I have a connection to my children but it’s probably not going to happen.

My children have their fathers surname, we are not married my choice. Financially I would lose out in a divorce. DP would marry like a shot.
Never had an issue with school, hospital etc everything is now addressed Fred's mum for example.
I do have a friend who got married and split up shortly afterwards and they are still not divorced, house isn't sold, and she hasn't got her capital out after 2 years. She bitterly regrets marrying as if they had just lived together and had child it would have been sorted within 6 months.
Society generally is still very pro marriage and seems to forgive men who don't want to marry but give women a really hard time about it.