Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

@aSofaNearYou
Yes thanks I have. However the isn't here to ask is he, which I why I am asking the op.

Whether people like it or not hundreds of years of tradition and family history the most common occurrence is that a male keeps his surname as the family name. So I imagine that's why he and most men would hope to expect that their children take their name, especially in a circumstance where they are a family unit as opposed to not.
I know someone personally that hit headlines around the world because he took his wife's name on marriage- that's how much of an unusual occurrence the public expect it to be.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, my opinion is there is nothing wrong with tradition.

@Whitney168

I appreciate that we are living in a much more modern and free world but I don't know anyone personally who has had children out of marriage and give them her their own surname.

I bet many of us know several mothers who regret giving their children the surname of a man who is no longer involved, though.

I will definitely leave my opinion about this off the internet.

But you're accruing equity without his contribution. He is using both his and your contributions to accrue equity. That's unfair to you!

No, she is able to get her mortgage paid by her tenants because she is living in his house. So her mortgage is not part of her monthly expend budget .

He can’t get his mortgage paid by anyone else because they live in his house and he must pay the mortgage out of his monthly income.

So it is fair to split the benefit and both pay half the amount of one mortgage.

I appreciate that we are living in a much more modern and free world but I don't know anyone personally who has had children out of marriage and give them her their own surname.

Eh?? I know at least three off the top of my head.

So why exactly don’t you get married and all have the same name?

I think you deep down seem convinced that one day you will split up. So in that case I would strongly urge you to give the child your surname - assuming that when you split up you will have primary custody. If you think he will, then I guess it doesn't really matter what surname the child has. For what it's worth I didn't change my surname when I got married 10 years ago, and our children have my husband's surname. I didn't think this would bother me not having the same surname as everyone, but as the DC have gotten older is actually does, so now I am changing my name to my married name.

Give the baby both names. And seriously consider getting married, it can be a quick registry office marriage in your jeans, but what is important is the protection the contract gives you as a mother.

@YourWurstNightmare

I appreciate that we are living in a much more modern and free world but I don't know anyone personally who has had children out of marriage and give them her their own surname.

Eh?? I know at least three off the top of my head.

Eh good for you having your own experience- I did say personally so talking about my experience.

Why not all of you double barrell so you all have same surnames?

@TotorosFurryBehind

Give the baby both names. And seriously consider getting married, it can be a quick registry office marriage in your jeans, but what is important is the protection the contract gives you as a mother.

What is more important is that people respect a grown woman's decision.

My son has my maiden name as his middle name. Its a tradition in some parts of scotland.

My daughter is happily married before children came along. Three wonderful amazing grandchild all with the double barrel surname her maiden name and married name, that put together sounds lovely. At school they are referred to by their double barrel name. She also uses her double barrel name.

Assuming you are in England or Wales:

If a child’s parents are married when the child is born, both parents automatically have parental responsibility.

If a child’s parents are not married when the child is born, the mother automatically has parental responsibility and the father acquires parental responsibility if:

He obtains a parental responsibility order from a court.
He enters into a formal written parental responsibility agreement with the mother, which is subsequently filed at court.
The child is born after 1st December 2003 AND the father jointly registered the birth with the mother and is named on the birth certificate.

So, you could chose to register the birth without him there. Or he could accompany you to registering the birth, in which case you are also allowing him some parental responsibility. Or you could register alone and then he has very few legal rights.

Personally we're going for the double barrelled option because it's fair and keeps both names going. If we get married I'd keep my name anyway, and if the child decides to drop one if they get married/ have children etc that's their decision. I don't see why the dad should get only his name after the mum's gone through pregnancy and childbirth and is likely to take on most caring/ impact on career etc. If my DP insisted on his name I would've told him tough luck

@ReyGal

As others have said - tradition is for baby to have your surname when born. In hospital my daughter was known as baby S (my surname). Myself and my partner agreed to give our daughter his surname and officially she was registered with his surname. He had to be present to register the birth for this to be the case

I don't think double-barrelling is common either and in this case it is a decent compromise.

If unmarried he has to be present to be named as father in the BC.

But you can give the child any name you like on the BC whether is is present / named or not.

I’d say definitely use yours, stand your ground here. His can be a middle name. Or get married and all share the same surname would be the preferred option. I’m curious as to the reason why you’re so against getting married? Having a child together is the biggest commitment you can ever make with someone so what’s the problem with getting married? I can only see benefits.

The ‘tradition’ argument when it’s anything but traditional and just being used instead of ‘I want things my way’ with a bullshit label on top would be like a red rag to me. But to be reasonable, I’d say I will be absolutely as reasonable and compromising as you about this baby coming out of my vagina so it will have my name. Let me know if you want an actual compromise, not just your way or the highway.

You own your rental property in your own right. Really you should be accruing equity in both that AND the home you pay your rent to your DH. Yes, you would be better off than him but you are not married and have separate finances, so that's the intention, right?

By paying him rent you significantly increase the capital he is able to build up, while for you that rent money is an expense that's gone.

Why not give the baby a completely new surname of his own? Then he isn't marked as being the property of either parent.

If your surname is Jones and DP's is Bloggs, baby could use the surname Joggs. When you have a second child, call the next one Bones.

I agree that double barrel might be your best solution.

Serious question, would you consider flipping a coin to decide? Or doing something similar to let chance decide?

If neither of you will budge you will have to double barrel it!

@yvanka

are you coming under any pressure at all from your partner's parents? Or even just not-so-subtle hints from them?

Not at all! They live abroad so we barely see each other but we get on amazingly and they would certainly never pressure me into anything. They are very easygoing, almost hippy types and I don't think tradition means much to them either - they're not married and very happy.

Did your DP take his mother or fathers surname?

Why don't you tell him you will "let" him take your surname.

Personally I think that providing Dad is equally involved (50% of dirty nappies at 4am, for example), then the only long term fair way is for girls to take Mum's surname, and boys, Dad's.

The problem with double barrelled, is what happens with grandkids? It seems to me that everyone forgets they had a mother, and so I've never seen what's equal about it.

Or you could toss a coin.

Your compromise was to double barrell both names which he doesn't want to do.
There is no other compromise. I had this exact same situation and suggestion. In the end my kids got their dad's surname. 11 years on this is a massive issue for me, I really regret it and feel extremely resentful.

Give them yours but say you're happy to double barrell if he changes his mind about that.

Agree he doesn't get to play the tradition card!! Ask him why he thinks his need/want trumps yours? Especially when you're carrying the baby and giving birth.

If you're not getting married be very careful about your financial situation going forward.

[quote Bubbles1st]@aSofaNearYou
Yes thanks I have. However the isn't here to ask is he, which I why I am asking the op.

Whether people like it or not hundreds of years of tradition and family history the most common occurrence is that a male keeps his surname as the family name. So I imagine that's why he and most men would hope to expect that their children take their name, especially in a circumstance where they are a family unit as opposed to not.
I know someone personally that hit headlines around the world because he took his wife's name on marriage- that's how much of an unusual occurrence the public expect it to be.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, my opinion is there is nothing wrong with tradition.

[/quote]
Hundreds of years of oppression, you mean? It is very much a white washing of history to describe the historical double standards between men and women as "tradition". There definitely is something wrong with the "traditional" view of men and women.

The very fact that men find the suggestion that they could just easily change their name to their wife's family name shocking, is why we should not just take it lying down and continue the to do what we've always done so as not to rock the boat. If they find it shocking to suggest they should change their name, they should recognise that the same is true of women.