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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:
Playnoh · 15/02/2021 09:59

That’s awful, she shouldn’t be so blatant with it. Sorry I’m a bit confused, are you your kids step mum? As you mention non bio and then say you have fertility issues? It doesn’t matter either way as bio doesn’t make you a mum but I was just confused

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:02

No sorry I should have been clearer. MIL has both biological GC and step GC (she is in the GM role but none of them do call her GM, long term relationship with their biological GF). I am biological mum to my DC and married to her son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:05

The fertility issues bit was that she kept saying she didn't have enough GC that were 'hers' (as in biological), knowing that my fertility is not as good as it could be and that I did want children. This was before DC were born.

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 15/02/2021 10:06

I would see it as a blessing, saves spending time with such an outspoken and rude woman!

It’s her loss!

Thehop · 15/02/2021 10:06

Jesus Christ she’s awful. Distance yourself and your children. Let her do all the running now she’s made her feelings clear. I’d also tell her why if she asked.

I’m actually gobsmacked.

Wingedharpy · 15/02/2021 10:07

What did you say to her when she said it to you?

Coronawireless · 15/02/2021 10:08

It’s hardly surprising that a person would favour their biological grandchildren that they have known from birth over a step grandchild.
She didn’t need to spell it out to you - but I wonder if you forced her hand.

RabbityMcRabbit · 15/02/2021 10:08

She sounds toxic tbh. The comment about "needing" more grandchildren is awful. I'd minimise my contact with her.

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:09

It’s hardly surprising that a person would favour their biological grandchildren that they have known from birth over a step grandchild.
She didn’t need to spell it out to you - but I wonder if you forced her hand.

My DC are her biological GC. She favours other bio GC and some of the steps

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 15/02/2021 10:09

Ugh, she sounds absolutely horrid.

Was she being manipulative do you think, to try to incite you to pander to her more and dance to her turn (read: give her what she wants) so that your children will be upgraded to the rank of ‘favourites’?

Laiste · 15/02/2021 10:10

Well, at least you know where you stand Flowers

My XMIL made no secret of the fact that her youngest son's kids were the golden grand children. She had 3 sons - i was married to the eldest - and to be honest her youngest son was the golden child so it was no real surprise that his kids were the Special Ones ...

Hmm

I was in my early 20s when this all became apparent and it did annoy me (much older now i couldn't give a shiney shite about these things)(and i divorced XH 10 years ago) but at the time i just made sure my kids were shielded from the worst of the favouritism and eye rolled about it all with my mates.

Don't stress about it OP. Life's too short. There's nothing you can do.

SallyTimms · 15/02/2021 10:11

Is she hoping to shock or upset you into reviewing the arrangements regarding letting your dc stay with her? So you feel hurt and decide your dc can sleepover, in other words she guilt trips you into getting a what she originally wanted?

If so, that's an appalling tactic. Like others have said I would ee it as a blessing that your dc can be distanced from someone so unpleasant or manipulative.

Coronawireless · 15/02/2021 10:11

Or - sorry - are you saying that your DC ARE her biological GC? In which case you expected them to be her favourites but she says they’re not?
I’m confused, and also why would do you care so much? Just enjoy your own children and don’t try to have them ranked by others.

Cattitudes · 15/02/2021 10:12

So tempting if it is ever brought up again to fake sympathise 'Yes, it is tricky isn't it, although I guess we can't help having favourites, dc1 and dc2 say my mum is their favourite grandma but I think it is just that they don't know you quite as well.' Maybe do it in your head.

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:13

What did you say to her when she said it to you?

I was shocked in to silence, for the first time in my life. She said she spends the same on all GC for birthdays (we were talking about birthday presents) except Bob, Joe and Tom as they are her favourites so naturally she spends more. She realised she had said it and tried to undig her hole but then was talking about how great they are and we all have favourites that we see a lot of. So I said I had to go. It hasn't been mentioned since.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 15/02/2021 10:14

It's still not clear to me to be honest. Are you saying your DH is her stepson - she's only married to your kids' bio GF? Or are you saying that your children are her DS' step children?

In any case I wouldn't bother too much with her. Where are their other GPS - your DPs and whoever their dad's DPs are? Focus on them.

She is rude to spell it out but probably thought you wouldn't take too much offence as your children seem very removed from her family line. She probably thought you would feel the same in her situation?

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:14

Or - sorry - are you saying that your DC ARE her biological GC? In which case you expected them to be her favourites but she says they’re not?
I’m confused, and also why would do you care so much? Just enjoy your own children and don’t try to have them ranked by others

Yes my DC are her biological GC. Her DS is my DH. I don't care if she prefers her NDN to them but don't expect to be told this.

OP posts:
brownet · 15/02/2021 10:16

Well I would just make it clear who my dc's fave gp was.

brownet · 15/02/2021 10:17

I’m confused, and also why would do you care so much?

In what planet would someone not be hurt by this?

Hoppinggreen · 15/02/2021 10:17

Thing is, with most people they might not say it but everyone knows.
At least she’s honest - not like MIL who repeatedly says she loves all her GC the same but it’s blatantly obvious who the favourites are

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:17

'Yes, it is tricky isn't it, although I guess we can't help having favourites, dc1 and dc2 say my mum is their favourite grandma but I think it is just that they don't know you quite as well.' Maybe do it in your head.

I do this an awful lot (in my head) to the point where I actually think it is confusing for my DC, who are learning to talk, to call her GM. When they LOVE my parents and call them the same thing (GM/GF)

OP posts:
Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:19

EugenesAxe my DH is her biological son and our children are biological. I don't have any step children. She has some bio GC and some step GC

OP posts:
Rupertbeartrousers · 15/02/2021 10:19

You can’t change it, no point expending energy over it. I know so many people with favouritism/golden children in their family and I think you just have to accept the relationship that you do have and operate on those rules, or distance yourself from it. Unusual that MIL admits to having favourites as usually these people are adamant that they treat everyone the same and don’t have favourites. Doesn’t the Queen have favourites or is that just the press?

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:22

EugenesAxe sorry I realise I only responded to half of your reply. My DP are wonderful GP. They spend a lot of time with my DC and facetime them regularly when we are unable to. I think that might fuel MILs fire although my DC know my GP, so naturally they do get to look after DC for a few hours for me.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2021 10:22

To give a contrary perspective, it’s not really shocking that she has a better relationship with the grandchildren that she sees regularly. She shouldn’t have said that out loud about favourites but it does sound like that slipped out unintentionally rather than was said deliberately to wound.

I’d let it go for now. Her relationships with your own children may improve as they get older and once we’re out of lockdown. Or it may not - that’s her loss more than it is yours, I think.