Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:
Love51 · 15/02/2021 10:22

That's ok, they say there favourite grandparents are my mum and my auntie sue!

MrsBobDylan · 15/02/2021 10:24

She sounds crackers. Honestly, I know it is hurtful but be glad yours are not her favourite.

My Mum 'favours' one of my dc and for a few years my sisters were very hurt...until they realised it was just something she said to make them feel shit and that she never saw the favourite gc either!

YoniAndGuy · 15/02/2021 10:24

@Saintflop

'Yes, it is tricky isn't it, although I guess we can't help having favourites, dc1 and dc2 say my mum is their favourite grandma but I think it is just that they don't know you quite as well.' Maybe do it in your head.

I do this an awful lot (in my head) to the point where I actually think it is confusing for my DC, who are learning to talk, to call her GM. When they LOVE my parents and call them the same thing (GM/GF)

I think I'd start referring to her as 'Granny Lulu' (or whatever her name is).

MIL - 'Err I'm just Granny'

You - 'Oh we had to start calling you that as they were getting confused and thinking we were referring to my mum! I guess they just have so much more contact with her, so it's naturally closer'

MIL - huffs

You (or better still your DH) - fake confusion - 'I don't understand mum, surely it's the same as when you said that Bobby and Bungle, who you've seen much more, were your favourites? You can't really have it both ways. Maybe we should get upset at that?'

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:25

Is she hoping to shock or upset you into reviewing the arrangements regarding letting your dc stay with her? So you feel hurt and decide your dc can sleepover, in other words she guilt trips you into getting a what she originally wanted?

Possibly. We do have a good relationship and she is actually a very nice person so I think she may have just put her foot in her mouth. Can't tell

OP posts:
Holly60 · 15/02/2021 10:25

I think she knew exactly what she was saying and did it because she feels she doesn’t see your children enough. Hardly going to help the case - silly woman! (And I say this as a DGM to children from both my son and daughter - none of whom would ever be ranked: I love them all to death)

The good news is she doesn’t really have favourites - she was saying it to make a point about seeing the grandchildren more. If you were so inclined you could try to have a mature chat to her about it along the lines of ‘I know you are upset you don’t see them more, but I would like to increase your time with them slowly so they get to know you’. If she isn’t amenable to this then just try to ignore her.

Holly60 · 15/02/2021 10:26

Also get your husband to tell her she upset you with her comment. That’s not ever ok to say

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2021 10:28

If it ever gets mentioned again can’t you just say ‘frankly that is just so fucking rude. I think for the children’s sake dh and I had best remove your unfavourite grandchildren from your life.’

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:31

I do understand that you may favour the ones you see more. I see one set of DN more than the other ones, it's not that I favour them as such...I just know them better? It's not the other DNs fault that we don't see each other a lot, they live further away. I also actively avoid acts of favouritism.

OP posts:
Seriously79 · 15/02/2021 10:32

I don't get it - are 'your' children from a previous relationship, and you have one with her son?

Is it that 'your' children aren't treated the same as the child you have with her son?

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:40

Seriously79 no, our children are biologically related to her as her DS is their DF. Please could you read my updates as I have cleared this up

OP posts:
Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:42

I’d let it go for now. Her relationships with your own children may improve as they get older and once we’re out of lockdown. Or it may not - that’s her loss more than it is yours, I think.

Yes you are right, hopefully things change a bit then, I am dubious but we shall see

OP posts:
31RooCambon · 15/02/2021 10:43

Insensitive of her to say it, but try not to care. Easy to type I know.

But just pull away a bit. Her ''ranking'' of her gc is the machinations of her own thoughts. She shouldn't have verbalised them though.

Tempting to tell her that she comes third in the grandma ranking!

Exhausteddog · 15/02/2021 10:49

My MIL has favourite GC (not mine)
She has never said in so many words, but she once told me "the novelty had worn off" when I had my first DC. (she had already got 7 GC by then)

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2021 10:52

@Coronawireless

It’s hardly surprising that a person would favour their biological grandchildren that they have known from birth over a step grandchild. She didn’t need to spell it out to you - but I wonder if you forced her hand.
That’s not what she said though is it. One of her favourites is a step child.
user1497787065 · 15/02/2021 10:53

My SIL's children were always the favourites. I understand that there will always be something special about the first grandchild.

If I ever asked my MIL to look after my children, which was rare, she always had to check with her daughter first.

MIL once gave me some puzzles to take home for the children and in her words 'Ours have outgrown them.'

At that point I thought I now know exactly where I and my children stand and to just accept it and get used to it. It's so much easier than feeling hurt every time MIL says or does something.

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:53

Exhausteddog how awful of your MIL!

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 15/02/2021 10:54

I think she said it to hurt you. How could something so mean be a slip of the tongue. The in-law equivalent of 'negging'. Thinking perhaps you'll try harder for your children to become the favourites. How did your DH react when you told him?

Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:55

At that point I thought I now know exactly where I and my children stand and to just accept it and get used to it. It's so much easier than feeling hurt every time MIL says or does something.

So sorry to hear this but you're right, maybe I need to accept her position

OP posts:
Original poster
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 10:57

How did your DH react when you told him

He was frustrated but also shrugged it off because it has always been obvious that he wasn't her favourite child, so to some degree wasn't surprised

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 15/02/2021 10:57

My MIL has favourites. She won’t admit it but it’s blatant my obvious to me and dh. This favourites are pretty much because they are girls. It’s wrong but we distance ourselves. It’s not healthy for any of the children or grandchildren as the ones not favoured no it and the ones favoured are almost obsessed over. It’s hurtful but honestly as long as you and dh make sure your kids are loved and kept out of the family favourites nonsense they will be fine. My kids are much closer too me and there dad as they don’t have a grandparent constantly pushing for time etc. My mum is involved but in a normal healthy manner.

TatianaBis · 15/02/2021 10:58

I wouldn't take that kind of thing too seriously or personally.

Sounds like she's punishing you for not having enough access to your kids.

I'd ignore it.

chloworm · 15/02/2021 10:58

It's a really hard thing to accept, especially (like round here) when you see doting grandparents with their GCs all the time. My MIL refuses to even walk with my DCs atm, because of Covid. Fine, but then she goes into SIL's house (not bubbled) to see her favourite GC regularly. Even on Christmas Day when it was forbidden (tier 4).

HandbagRummage · 15/02/2021 11:02

Let me save you 27 years of angst from my own experince with my MIL.

Let your DH deal with her. Let him phone her, let him run around after her. Be pleasant when you see her but that is it. If she has favourites, let them entertain her.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2021 11:03

@Saintflop

No sorry I should have been clearer. MIL has both biological GC and step GC (she is in the GM role but none of them do call her GM, long term relationship with their biological GF). I am biological mum to my DC and married to her son.
What has your husband said?
1starwars2 · 15/02/2021 11:04

I know my DC are not MIL favourite grandchildren. However she lives close to and provided childcare for all her other grand children. We live further away and that has its own benefits.
I am fine with it, and it certainly doesn't bother my children. They were close to my Mum but she died when they were small.
However they like/tolerate (teenagers) their grandparents and aren't really aware of how much money and time MIL spends on her other grandchildren.
It doesn't have to affect them, and you don't have to let it affect you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread