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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:
lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 12:51

Saying the quiet part out loud is a very childlike thing to do, it suggests that she doesn't have the the cognitive capacity/sophistication to keep all the plates spinning mentally, doesn't have the insight or intellect to sensor herself and be aware of the effect that what she's saying has on others
Very much black and white thinking.... inability to comprehend and understand the nuances of a situation
TL:DR dumb as a rock 👀

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 12:52

Censor!🤦🏼‍♀️

unmarkedbythat · 15/02/2021 13:17

I don't think I'd want to raise this with her, but I would just let our contact with her diminish. And if she ever complained about that I know I wouldn't be able to resist sinking to the childish and spiteful level and saying something like "but the dc want to spend time with their favourite relatives, not you". I don't have time for pussy footing around pretending that people aren't being shits just because they happen to be family.

Labobo · 15/02/2021 13:23

Lousy grandparents miss out. It's her loss. Focus on establishing a strong bond with the grandparents that appreciate your children and keep them away from manipulative ones. That's what I did. Naturally, DC adore their loving granddad and great uncle more than they do the GPs who were indifferent.

Notgoingouttoday · 15/02/2021 13:25

Its a great shame. My DC had a grandmother (their biological father's DM) who struggled to recognise my DC as her grandchildren as I wasn't married to their father! It took years for her to grasp that they were her biological GC despite the fact that we weren't married - she insisted on calling them step GC!

CottonSock · 15/02/2021 13:28

Tell her she's not your favourite mother in law. What a cow.

Greenevalley · 15/02/2021 13:41

@dancingindungarees
I get you I do. Mine sat and planned a nice day out in front of my son with the other four grandchildren and didn't include him. We already knew what she was like being fair. He was so upset. I didn't give a shit about them going out without us but to arrange it in front of him was in poor taste.

That’s shocking.
I would be done with them there and then.

justasking111 · 15/02/2021 13:43

I am presuming your children are very young if they are not allowed sleepover. My grand children their parents love it when we take them for the night Grin

oakleaffy · 15/02/2021 13:48

As a stepchild- own mum died- I was well used to favourites of bio over non bio.

I really think it is driven by biology.. not wanting to invest in someone else’s genetic material.

Also had it said to me “ It’s very hard to love another woman’s child”
It hurts, for sure.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 15/02/2021 13:53

She sounds like a manipulative wanker. There’s no need for her to share her thoughts on this with you, what are you meant to do with this information? Does she want you and your husband to compete with the rest of her family to be top of the pile? And honestly, if she had told you that she has favourites and it was your children who were top dog how would that make you feel? That for your children to be the favoured ones their cousins would be liked less by their own granny? I don’t think either the favourites or the non favourites get a good deal out of this at all and if anything I’d be making a mental note to spend far less time and effort on your MIL from now on.

Lovely1a2b3c · 15/02/2021 13:54

God how awful.

My brother and I were aware that we weren't our paternal grandparents' favourite and it did hurt! Luckily we were my maternal grandmother's, although she would never have dreamt of saying it or making it known in any way!

CookieClub · 15/02/2021 13:56

Honestly, I think she could have been more tactful [as in, not said what she said!] BUT personally, I think she knew full well what she was doing...I think it was a deliberate one-upmanship on her part, as 'pay back' for you/her son stating she couldn't have your kids to sleep over because she didn't make an effort during the daytime.

She sounds like a spiteful cow, it's her loss.

morninglive · 15/02/2021 13:59

It's something that never should be said.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 15/02/2021 14:06

Yanbu of course but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Grannies playing favourites seems to be very common. There are so many threads about it on MN and so many daughters/DILs feeling upset about it. I think often they say different things to different people too. Like, they tell everyone that their kids are the favoured ones, or, in the case of my own contrarian mother, telling everyone that their kids are not the favoured ones. I think you can go mad trying to figure out what on earth is going on in their heads. Better just to file it away as a heads up that this person cannot be relied on to behave well or even normally, and be ready to call them out on it when they try to stir trouble.

Cadent · 15/02/2021 14:08

@Notgoingouttoday

Its a great shame. My DC had a grandmother (their biological father's DM) who struggled to recognise my DC as her grandchildren as I wasn't married to their father! It took years for her to grasp that they were her biological GC despite the fact that we weren't married - she insisted on calling them step GC!
That's crazy, almost like original sin thinking.
saraclara · 15/02/2021 14:13

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

Yanbu of course but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Grannies playing favourites seems to be very common. There are so many threads about it on MN and so many daughters/DILs feeling upset about it. I think often they say different things to different people too. Like, they tell everyone that their kids are the favoured ones, or, in the case of my own contrarian mother, telling everyone that their kids are not the favoured ones. I think you can go mad trying to figure out what on earth is going on in their heads. Better just to file it away as a heads up that this person cannot be relied on to behave well or even normally, and be ready to call them out on it when they try to stir trouble.
The number of threads on MN don't have any statistical meaning. Yet somehow it's common for people to make sweeping generalisations about a particular societal group based on no more than that.

No-one's going to make an OP about their DPs or PILs treating their GCs equally.
In real life I've never heard any of my friends mention this problem, so I don't think it's that widespread.

And of course there are a ton of threads on here where women admit that they treat their DMs completely differently from their MILs when it comes to access to their children, and think that's entirely reasonable. It would not be a surprise to find, then, that those same women discover that their MIL ends up closer to their own DD's DCs

saraclara · 15/02/2021 14:14

Ugh. Sloppy editing. 'Don't' should be 'doesn't.'

TheByngster · 15/02/2021 14:15

Cripes, I’m thoroughly confused...

Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2021 14:16

My brother and I were aware that we weren't our paternal grandparents' favourite and it did hurt! Luckily we were my maternal grandmother's, although she would never have dreamt of saying it or making it known in any way! how did you know you were the favourite @Lovely1a2b3c if she didnt make it known?
This is sort of the cycle we are in, my DSis's children are the pushed out ones in her DH's family, so my mother tries to over compensate by giving them lots of attention. This unfortunately means my children are pushed out on my side of the family. I am sure my DSis and her children are oblivious too.

BejeweledCrocs · 15/02/2021 14:17

She's an arse.

I could imagine feeling closer to the ones you spend more time with, but I wouldnt articulate this as them being my favourites.

Sounds like she has previous for this shitty outlook if your DP knows he wasnt the favoured child.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/02/2021 14:23

Other siblings are happy for their children to scream in the company of a GP they barely know, that can't understand their babble and doesn't know their likes/dislikes - I'm not.

She will get to know them the more time she spends with them and they will get to know her, it is a learning process for both of them. How do you think babies cope at childminders or nurseries without mum and dad there?

If you don't want your dc to take part in that process with dgp that love them you take the consequences, which are she wont have the same bond with your dc as she does with her other dgc. There isn't a right or wrong, you get to make the decision how you want it to be but if you decide to keep your child with you all the time you can't complain the bond isn't as strong.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2021 14:24

You're too nice. Tell her to "feck off"
Everyone wants their DC to experience loving DGP's she doesn't deserve the love respect or effort you put in the relationship.

Firkinhavinalaugh · 15/02/2021 14:31

My dc know they aren’t the favourite. I’ve never said anything to them but MIL just can’t help herself.

They are SIL dc. Everyone knows. She’s not done them any favours though as they aren’t particularly “nice” children and they are also incredibly rude to her!

SIL MIL has favourites and I think this is where is all stems from!

FIL aid much less obvious though so my dc like seeing him Grin

MIL is missing out, my dc are polite, chat to them and spend time with them without drama. SIL don’t talk to them, sit in their phones or disappear. Sad really but MIL made her own bed.......

Tubs11 · 15/02/2021 14:33

GP's shouldn't have favourites would be my stock answer to her and I would point out that saying things like that openly is immature and potentially hurtful to all GC's

saraclara · 15/02/2021 14:46

@Tubs11

GP's shouldn't have favourites would be my stock answer to her and I would point out that saying things like that openly is immature and potentially hurtful to all GC's
That's what I would want to have said in the OP's position. But I imagine I would also have been so taken aback that my brain wouldn't be able to think of the perfect answer. I would, of course, be coming up with 'what I should have said' for weeks to come, and be really annoyed with myself.!
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