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Original poster

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:
FabulousCandelabra · 15/02/2021 11:47

@HighSpecWhistle ,
I texted her a week later to let her know and she said she hadn't had a chance to buy an online voucher. She also suggested I'd do it for her and she would transfer me the £15 for the gift voucher.

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 11:48

She wasn't prepared to tell them off because they were more important
😲
She actually said that!!!
OMG Id have head-butted her on the spot.... Or rather spent the next decade metaphorically headbutting her
Of course you did the right thing in distancing yourself... she's lucky you're not vindictive

DeadGood · 15/02/2021 11:50

@Saintflop

Seriously79 no, our children are biologically related to her as her DS is their DF. Please could you read my updates as I have cleared this up
Sorry but your OP is a perfect example of a post with too much unnecessary detail. The bit about step-grandchildren was completely irrelevant and that is why people are confused.
ittakes2 · 15/02/2021 11:53

I also have 21 years of a slightly disturbed m'n'law. You say you get on well and I am sure you do - down completedly I am guessing to you swallowing your tongue rather than speaking up in tricky situations like this. You have a choice. Define your boundaries (which is important skill everyone must have). Speak up immediately when she has overstepped them as she has in the instance. You will feel better for it and things won't fester in the long run. To be honest this is a skill worth teaching your kids to avoid them being bullied so you practising this on your m'n'law is the ideal scenario. But if you can't do this then you need to go low contact - only your hubby contacts her. Be pleasant and friendly when you see her - but never reach out to her. She's manipulative and you won't ever win and it shouldn't be a competition anyway.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 15/02/2021 11:56

She's saying that the others are her favourites to try and get you to change your mind about letting yours sleep over with her. She's saying "I see more of the other gc so I prefer them".

Extremely manipulative.

TupilaLilium · 15/02/2021 12:02

My MIL did this. I recall it very clearly, we were on holiday together and driving to the grocery store. She said she had a better relationship with her DD than DS grandkids.

Since we've had anther that she has seen for a total of 1.5 days, and during those days she spent maybe an hour with the baby. My youngest is her spitting image.

I don't really care. The kids don't give her a thought. They love my mum. . It is MIL loss.

Morituritesalutant · 15/02/2021 12:05

@lookmeintheeye

She wasn't prepared to tell them off because they were more important 😲 She actually said that!!! OMG Id have head-butted her on the spot.... Or rather spent the next decade metaphorically headbutting her Of course you did the right thing in distancing yourself... she's lucky you're not vindictive
Yes! I was gob Smacked. What’s worse is one of DHs brothers also agrees that they shouldn’t be told off as they’re special and it’s my fault o don’t teach my kids to hit other kids and if I’d told him to hurt him back it would be “sorted”
BluebellsGreenbells · 15/02/2021 12:07

If I ever asked my MIL to look after my children, which was rare, she always had to check with her daughter first

My MIL used to do this, and then when we arranged a visit would have SIL drop her child round so he wouldn’t feel left out!

He had ‘his’ toys at her house mine couldn’t play with, ‘his’ photos on the walls, ‘his bedroom’ when he stayed over.

My kids knew it. We stopped contact.

Pineapples3 · 15/02/2021 12:08

Just say ‘that’s alright, DC’s favourite nan is my mum. Grin’

Yeah she’s a knob though.

dancingindungarees · 15/02/2021 12:09

I get you I do. Mine sat and planned a nice day out in front of my son with the other four grandchildren and didn't include him. We already knew what she was like being fair. He was so upset. I didn't give a shit about them going out without us but to arrange it in front of him was in poor taste.

B33Fr33 · 15/02/2021 12:14

I'd shrug off any demands to visit saying you'd rather your children didn't have to be part of her twisted favourites game. And just sack her.

B33Fr33 · 15/02/2021 12:15

And yes. it always affects them. Children are not stupid and unaware of people's favouritism.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/02/2021 12:23

HandbagRummage

Let me save you 27 years of angst from my own experince with my MIL.

Let your DH deal with her. Let him phone her, let him run around after her. Be pleasant when you see her but that is it. If she has favourites, let them entertain her.
^^

This! This is how I dealt with it until she was blatently rude and nasty to me and then I went virtually no contact. Sil's kids (first 2 gc, & teens when mine were born) were the obvious favourites, way above Bil's & ours. We moved across the country and because we could no longer pop in for Christmas & birthday presents/cards our children no longer got any from them (Mil, Fil & Sil). They wouldn't have dreamed of posting anything. Yet there were comments if no card came from us!

JemimaRacktool · 15/02/2021 12:24

I remember my paternal GM telling my DMum that her favourite GC were....well not me and my sister. We weren't supposed to hear. We were lurking in the outside bog.
DMum was quiet for the rest of the holiday and my sis told her we overheard and not to worry about it. DMum was fragile. It changed the relationship forever though and it took the pleasure out of visiting. GDad was lovely though.

DDad never knew as we kept it all from him. He must have wondered why we were less enthusiastic about visiting his folks though which is a sadness in it's own right.

BluebellsGreenbells · 15/02/2021 12:26

Yet there were comments if no card came from us!

Oh yes the ‘you’ve forgot DN birthday’
Or DN is having a party, but none of them make it to my children’s birthdays.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/02/2021 12:27

Focus on the family who do care about them and want a relationship with them. As time goes by the the DC will have a better relationship with the family who show interest in them and spend time with them.

You can't stop someone having favourites, you can only ask them not to explicitly tell the DC they are "seconds". Don't bend yourself double trying to compensate as it only magnifies the situation and don't be guilted into bending double either.

Chickychickydodah · 15/02/2021 12:28

I think it is awful and would tell my dp that it was very hurtful. I would keep away from her for awhile and let her do the running.
Let your kids spend time with people that care, sorry you had to hear this crap x

Devlesko · 15/02/2021 12:35

I'd bide my time and then tell her your dp are the kids favourite gp's as they see more of them, and of course it's natural.
I couldn't have a favourite all gc's bring something different to your life, there should be no favourites, just love.

TinyCake · 15/02/2021 12:41

I'm not sure why you mentioned the bio and step GC as it doesn't seem relevant?

I would just tell her who your kids favourite grandparent is and then be done with her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2021 12:41

She sounds a bit dim, tbh.

I know some people do feel they have favourites, but it's the arse end of stupid to actually TELL them, or their parents, that this is the case, especially if they're talking to the non-favoured ones!!

I think if it ever comes up again, I'd go for the bright tone of "oh that's ok, our children do the same for their favourite grandparents too - they do love my mum and dad so much!"

I know that's childish and tit for tat, but perhaps she really doesn't realise how fucking awful it must be to hear that you're not the favoured ones - so I'd be keen to teach her.

DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 12:43

@Coronawireless

Or - sorry - are you saying that your DC ARE her biological GC? In which case you expected them to be her favourites but she says they’re not? I’m confused, and also why would do you care so much? Just enjoy your own children and don’t try to have them ranked by others.
@Coronawireless you previously said that her biological children would of course be her favourites and now that OP has clarified that her children are biological children you are backtracking to make some weird point.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2021 12:44

@dancingindungarees

I get you I do. Mine sat and planned a nice day out in front of my son with the other four grandchildren and didn't include him. We already knew what she was like being fair. He was so upset. I didn't give a shit about them going out without us but to arrange it in front of him was in poor taste.
THAT is fucking disgusting. What an absolute bastard of a thing to do to your son - I think I'd have walked out there and then and never set foot in their house again.
Coconutfatfeast · 15/02/2021 12:46

There is no good reason for her saying that to you, other than to be spiteful and manipulative.

Laserbird16 · 15/02/2021 12:49

How rude.

Look wistfully into the distance and say you empathise, your favourite MIL was such a thoughtful and considerate lady. How you miss her.

5zeds · 15/02/2021 12:51

Ignore her. If you’re lucky she’ll drift away.