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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:

LuaDipa · 15/02/2021 11:05

Don’t let this bother you - it has no reflection on your dc but says an awful lot about her. If dh is on the same page I would keep my distance as much as possible so you don’t have to deal with her nasty comments.

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 11:07

Very hurtful and she sounds like a woman with no insight or no filter as they say, however ultimately this looks to me like a situation where 'the trash has taken itself out'
🗑️✔️

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 11:07

Just be grateful they have someone gp at all and forget about Mil.

Original poster

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 11:08

What has your husband said?

Frustrated but unsurprised as there's been subtle favouritism amongst his siblings, so he's made his peace with it already and thinks she is silly for saying it out loud. Doesn't want it to damage their relationship.

OP posts:

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 11:10

One assumes her intention is that the less favoured should respond to this missive by doing some sort of 'pick me' dance🤔
Well how's that working out for you Grandma.....?

LittleOwl153 · 15/02/2021 11:11

She said she spends the same on all GC for birthdays (we were talking about birthday presents) except Bob, Joe and Tom as they are her favourites so naturally she spends more.

I just hope Bob, Joe and Tom are siblings and have no other siblings as that would be even harder to deal with (as their parents)

If you DH knows he was not the golden child - you are fighting a loosing battle here. I would just make your own decisions with regard to the time etc you want to spend with her and let her get on with it. You don't owe her anything!!

WeAllHaveWings · 15/02/2021 11:12

If she is spending more time alone with the other GC, because for whatever reason those parents do not limit/restrict visiting, she is going to have a stronger bond with them, feel closer and know their little characters better.

Maybe once your dc are older and she does spend more time with them they will get closer.

It is normal for grandparents to feel closer to dgc they know well. It is not nice of her to voice that though, it is her clumsy way of showing she doesn't understand/is hurt she isn't allowed to spend the time she would like with your dc?

BaggoMcoys · 15/02/2021 11:15

When ex sil had her firstborn, ex pils said how wonderful it was to have their first proper gc. Ex pils have four ds's, three of whom had dc before ex sil did - one of these being my dd.

When dd was born I expected to see far more of my exes parents than I had up to that point, but it became clear that they weren't very interested in me or my dd. I was hurt at first, then ex sil had her firstborn and the difference was stark. It didn't come as a huge surprise when they said about finally having a real proper GC. It doesn't hurt me now, but I do feel bad for dd's father for having parents like that.

Teardrop2021 · 15/02/2021 11:20

Its likely this op you weren't keen on sleep over by you're own admission other siblings were happy to do so. Were the other siblings female aswell jts more common for grand parents to be closer to daughters children than sons children my own mil favours both sils children over our own.

saraclara · 15/02/2021 11:24

We do have a good relationship and she is actually a very nice person so I think she may have just put her foot in her mouth.

Given this, I think you should actually talk to her about what she said, and clear the air. Otherwise it's going to eat away at you. And it would be a shame to never have the same relationship again, because this hasn't been resolved.

You don't have to have a row about it, but I think you'd be within your rights to say that you haven't been able to get what she said out of your head, and just how hurt you are that your children aren't as important to her as Bob, Joe and Tom, and that she seems to think it's okay to tell you that. That you've always got along well with her and you don't want this to affect your relationship with her, and hers with you and your DCs.

Just an acknowledgement from her that she's been unfair, regrets hurting you, and loves your DCs would go some way to getting this out of your head.

saraclara · 15/02/2021 11:25

...also suggest that she imagines how she would feel if Bob, Joe and Tom told her that their other GPs are their favourites.

Original poster

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 11:27

I just hope Bob, Joe and Tom are siblings and have no other siblings as that would be even harder to deal with (as their parents) unfortunately they all have siblings who didn't make the cut for favourites!

Yeah I do understand that, but she shouldn't say it. Other siblings are happy for their children to scream in the company of a GP they barely know, that can't understand their babble and doesn't know their likes/dislikes - I'm not.

No daughters, she has 4 boys. DH is the youngest.

OP posts:

greeneyedlulu · 15/02/2021 11:31

I wouldn't bother spending anymore time with her and her shitty attitude. Life is way too short to deal with people like this. If she asks, tell her the truth and where she can shove it!

FabulousCandelabra · 15/02/2021 11:31

I could have written this post! My MIL is a nice woman and we get on well. She will never admit she has favourites but it's just so obvious! She lives 15 mins away from us but haven't seen my kids since Christmas. She still sees her other grandchildren (who live 1 hour away from her) weekly. I don't even think it's allowed at the moment!
She always says she spends £50 per grandchild on their birthday present. It was my son's birthday 2 week ago and she said she would emailed me a £15 gift voucher for him (still haven't received anything). When it was her other GC birthday she turned up with balloons and a present for them at their doorstep!
What hurts my husband and I the most is that our children don't experience close relationship with either set of grandparents - my parents live abroad and we haven't seen them for over a year now...

Cadent · 15/02/2021 11:36

I think that might fuel MILs fire although my DC know my GP, so naturally they do get to look after DC for a few hours for me.

I agree this is what's happened. MIL is jealous that your SC are closer to the DGM that actually spends time with them so her response is a childish 'ne ner ne ner ne, I don't like your kids that much anyway.'

You keep insisting she's nice, but no one nice would ever utter what she said to you OP.

What does she do that's nice?

HighSpecWhistle · 15/02/2021 11:36

That's awful.

I would text her and say something like

"MIL, I'm texting because Im a bit upset over something you said the other day and I can't seem to shake off the hurt. You mentioned you have favourite grandchildren. And then went on to exclude my children. This hurt as having favourites isnt very fair anyway, but then to reject my children to my face just seems unkind and unnecessary. Can I ask that going forwards favourites or any mention of similar isnt spoken about with me? Thanks."

If she does it again, then I'd just avoid all contact. Let her know she's not respecting what you've said so you're limiting contact so your kids don't pick up on it and you're not hurt.

Morituritesalutant · 15/02/2021 11:36

We had this. I used to tell my DH that it was obvious that his mum
Preferred his sisters kids (I wasn’t particularly bothered just irked me DH insisted she treated them all equally) then one day one of SIL kids head butted my eldest in the face full force into his nose on purpose . I gathered my children and left didn’t make a scene despite being really cross. Mil sent DH a message saying she was prepared to forgive my over reaction (da1 had 2 black eyes from it and I’m still sure his nose was broken or fractured) so DH told her she was in the wrong and asked why she hadn’t made SIL son apologies or even told him off and mil said she wasn’t prepared to tell them
Off because they were more important

We haven’t seen SIL or mil since incident as SIL said she wasn’t going to apologies as she brings her kids up to hit back if they get hurt and it’s my fault I didn’t tell my 8 yr old to hit her kid who’s younger

Cadent · 15/02/2021 11:37

*your DC not SC!

HighSpecWhistle · 15/02/2021 11:38

@FabulousCandelabra

I could have written this post! My MIL is a nice woman and we get on well. She will never admit she has favourites but it's just so obvious! She lives 15 mins away from us but haven't seen my kids since Christmas. She still sees her other grandchildren (who live 1 hour away from her) weekly. I don't even think it's allowed at the moment! She always says she spends £50 per grandchild on their birthday present. It was my son's birthday 2 week ago and she said she would emailed me a £15 gift voucher for him (still haven't received anything). When it was her other GC birthday she turned up with balloons and a present for them at their doorstep! What hurts my husband and I the most is that our children don't experience close relationship with either set of grandparents - my parents live abroad and we haven't seen them for over a year now...

That's awful. I'd call her and let you know you haven't received it and just checking to make sure she has the right email address.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2021 11:39

How old are your children?

Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2021 11:39

I think most families have a similar situation. Mine have an aunt who lavishes attention, very expensive gifts and days out to the children of one of her siblings and completely ignores mine.
I know my own mother (who I am very close to) favours my younger sister. Her children get to have sleep overs, mini breaks etc whilst mine are only seen when she sees me.
Growing up we knew who the grandparents favoured.
Situations like this, from bitter experience cause resentment and jealousy between siblings and cousins, which sadly outlive the very people who caused it.
I've never said anything to the aunt or my mum and don't let on to my children what is going on. I think it's the aunt or grandparent who will really miss out when my children are old enough to decide who they want to visit.

wewillmeetagain · 15/02/2021 11:40

Im not defending having favourites, although if most were honest I think they do ( but definitely shouldn't make it obvious). I just think that if they spend more time with certain children it's completely natural that they will prefer them. Also i have 3 DS and 1DD, I think it's normal that i will very likely be closer to DGC from my DD than my DS! My DS will obviously have wives or partners and I will be very cautious of treading on their toes/interfering etc when they have kids, not so much with my DD. I would never make it known though and I would most definitely treat them all exactly the same.

thecatfromjapan · 15/02/2021 11:43

Well, that's a daft thing to say.

You'll have had all the advice you need by now, so I'm just here to offer sympathy.

If I were your friend, I'd probably suggest a few glasses of gin and a laugh. As it is, I'm just rolling my eyes for you.

Your poor DH, though. It's embarrassing when you come shackled with someone so difficult. I doubt it's the first appalling thing she's said, I doubt it will be the last.
It's kind of an Elizabeth Bennet situation (I always think Lizzie Bennett had two dreadful parents, though).
So I guess that makes you Darcy.

DinoHat · 15/02/2021 11:44

My MIL hasn’t said so much but it’s blatantly obvious which GC she prefers. That one gets all the gifts, the childcare and attention. The others can be jumping up and down shouting and will be largely ignore when favourite is there.

I think if I were you I’d let my MIL know that my children have favourite grandparents.

My own grandma had firm favourites and it was difficult to understand as a child. I just really resented her.

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 11:44

Her clumsy way of showing
An adult woman with the self-awareness of a 3-year old .....and you're excusing her as 'clumsy'

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