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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL told us who favourite GC are

138 replies

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 09:53

And my DC weren't included.

A few bio GC and step GC. I know the step or not step thing shouldn't make a bit of difference but she kept complaining to us that there weren't enough biologicial GC ("her" GC as she classed them) before we had our DC.

Recently, was talking to her and twice in one conversation she outrightly said who her favourites were. Mine were not included.

Lockdown has impacted the amount of time she has got to spend with my DC but even before that she never saw them, I always arranged days to see her but it was one sided and she always hinted at sleepovers which I said would not happen until she was spending more time with my them, and until they could talk. That's the case with everyone, not specific to MIL. DH let her know this. If you don't make regular efforts to spend an hour or two with them then why would they go to you for the whole weekend (very young DC).

It's been a little while since it was said and I'm still really hurt for my DC. It's not their fault that we have been in lockdown for best part of a year and its also not their fault that effort wasn't made from MILs side much beforehand. Especially as before DC were born she kept saying she needed more GC that were "hers" (knowing I have fertility problems and that I really wanted children).

This has made me really sad and also angry, I have an otherwise good relationship with MIL but I can't unhear this and it's bothering me.

If she sees other GC more (regardless of lockdown, this has continued) of course they will be a 'favourite' more so than mine (even if we shouldn't have favourites) but why tell me - twice?

Difficult to speak to other people in the family about this so just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or advice on what to do

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/02/2021 14:51

Thing is, with most people they might not say it but everyone knows

No. My MIL had her faults but she always treated each one of her grandchildren as if they were her favourite.

Saintflop · 15/02/2021 15:29

*How do you think babies cope at childminders or nurseries without mum and dad there?

If you don't want your dc to take part in that process with dgp that love them you take the consequences, which are she wont have the same bond with your dc as she does with her other dgc. There isn't a right or wrong, you get to make the decision how you want it to be but if you decide to keep your child with you all the time you can't complain the bond isn't as strong.*

If a child is crying for 2 hours on end at nursery they will call the parents. MIL will not. I know this as I've seen it happen, other GC have been hysterically crying and she won't acknowledge that maybe picking up the phone is a good idea. I'm not willing to put my child through that. When they can talk and verbalise their needs then they can go. If she spends time with DC (who can't talk clearly - very young) then she will learn what they are trying to say. That's what my DP did and that is why I am happy for DC to stay with them. I also know they'll call me if something isn't right.

OP posts:
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 15:33

Just to answer a couple of questions a few PPs have asked

I mentioned the whole step/bio GC thing as she kept saying she 'needed more biological GC' as she had several SGC - knowing that we had been trying for children at the time with little success. Now that we have them, she isn't fussed.

You're all right when you say that I should say something. Problem is, is that she tells BILs. Not expecting her not too. But they are loose cannons, DH is so different to them all. I've had horrible phone calls from them in the past because of airing concerns towards MIL. If DH does it, it's fine, but he won't say anything as he's accepted her favouritism.

OP posts:
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 15:38

Saying the quiet part out loud is a very childlike thing to do, it suggests that she doesn't have the the cognitive capacity/sophistication to keep all the plates spinning mentally, doesn't have the insight or intellect to sensor herself and be aware of the effect that what she's saying has on others
Very much black and white thinking.... inability to comprehend and understand the nuances of a situation
TL:DR dumb as a rock

Couldn't say it better myself

What does she do that's nice?

She is quite caring, she does genuinely care about others. She has always been very welcoming to me within the family and I've been able to speak to her about things when I need to. She's not one of those MILs hell bent on controlling her son and treats me like her own.

OP posts:
Saintflop · 15/02/2021 16:11

GP's shouldn't have favourites would be my stock answer to her and I would point out that saying things like that openly is immature and potentially hurtful to all GC's

I wish I'd said this. Or any other words. I was so stunned

OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/02/2021 16:48

Maybe you could mention to various relatives that your DC has a favourite grandparent.. and it's not MIL.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 15/02/2021 16:52

@HandbagRummage

Let me save you 27 years of angst from my own experince with my MIL.

Let your DH deal with her. Let him phone her, let him run around after her. Be pleasant when you see her but that is it. If she has favourites, let them entertain her.

Couldn't agree with this more.

We've had this crap with MIL for 15 years, DH his entire lifetime, although different to your situation because there's a lot of backstory and fallout.

There is nothing you can do to change it, best thing to do is distance yourself from it and let her become your DH's problem.

I tried hard for DH's sake (not DD because I don't feel she really misses anything having no contact with them) to facilitate a relationship with MIL despite the fact they pretty much ostracised us ( I called BIL - the golden child - out on his shitty behaviour) then one day I just thought fuck it why should I. We haven't seen her for 3 years since that decision was made.

5zeds · 15/02/2021 16:54

So phone her up and tell her she’s upset you and explain why?

contrary13 · 15/02/2021 17:28

Unfortunately, it's inevitable, too, that at some point, your child(ren) will realise that they're not their grandmother's "favourites", too. And - speaking from experience - it will hurt them. Be prepared Saintflop for that day, because it will hurt you, too.

My maternal grandmother made no bones about preferring my aunt's children to us. I was her first granddaughter - but she raved about my much younger cousins as though they were the second coming in disguise. My mother dutifully sent her photographs of me as I grew up, and then when I had my daughter, I sent her photographs of her, in turn. When we visited not long after she and my grandfather had moved house, their lounge was filled with framed photographs of my aunt's children (one of whom is only a few months younger than my daughter). Absolutely none of the photographs my mother, then I, had sent her - including some studio portrait shots which she'd actually asked me for, of my then newborn daughter - were on display. It was like, to her (less so my grandfather as he simply didn't hold truck with photographs or favouritism), we simply didn't exist once we weren't in her line of sight.

And it stung. To the point where, when my son was born a few years later, and she was asking for photographs of him to be sent up... I simply didn't bother. It would have been a waste of my time and money. Consequently, the only photographs she has of my daughter are 22 years out of date, and she has none of my 16 year old son, whatsoever. She now lives with my aunt and the younger two of her children - and displays photographs of the favourite granddaughter's two sons (who are adorable, in fairness) on her bedroom walls.

It is, unfortunately, what it is - but your MIL has made her bed, just like my Nain did. Let them both lie in it. Drop the rope, Saintflop, and save yourself - but more importantly, your child(ren) - from a lifetime of not feeling "good enough", or even simply "enough", for her. Let her fawn all over the favourites... it doesn't mean she'll get anywhere. My Nain, for example, despite her display of my cousin's children and her proud bragging about her "first great-grandsons" (disclaimer: by the time the oldest was born, 4 years ago, my Nain already had 3 great-grandsons, one great-granddaughter, 2 great-great-granddaughters and 1 great-great-grandson!)... has never actually met them. Despite living with their grandmother and two uncles. My aunt goes to visit my cousin and her family - and doesn't take my Nain because (and I quote) "she's too much like hard work" and my cousin "doesn't like her being around the kids". And these are her favourites! Hmm

It is sad, but my advice to you, Saintflops is to simply let it wash over you. Just be prepared for your child(ren)'s hurt when they realise that their cousins are the golden ones. Sad

Labobo · 15/02/2021 17:44

If she mentions it again, just say cheerfully, Oh yes, we have a favourite set of grandparents too.

Tyranttoddler · 15/02/2021 17:58

My grandma had favourites when I was little and I remember being aware of it but not overly bothered.
As an adult it was me that sat by her bedside as she died, and visited before and after work the weeks preceding, but the favourites didn't come. I don't feel anything about it really. Everyone has favourites, she shouldn't have said it, and she shouldnt be showing her favouritism by spending more. But your children are loved by your parents and if they enjoy spending time with her, and she doesn't mention it again, then I'd just put it down to 'weird things about families'.

SunshineCake · 15/02/2021 18:16

@TinyCake

I'm not sure why you mentioned the bio and step GC as it doesn't seem relevant?

I would just tell her who your kids favourite grandparent is and then be done with her.

It is relevant when step grandchildren make the cut for favourites when biological ones don't.
VasterThanEmpires · 15/02/2021 18:39

My MIL does shit like this - openly airing her views about her will etc I order to set us all competing for her dubious affections.

We have trained ourselves to find it hilarious and compete to see who has the best answer. I think I win so far with, 'I wouldn't give anything away to anyone if I were you MIL - that care home isn't going to pay for itself.' Grin

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