To expect child maintenance?

[greysa]

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

You need to go to him with a plan and tell him what's happening, not ask what he thinks as he hasn't got a clue. Don't waste your time with lengthy messages either.

Ask him to confirm his salary so you can work out what the maintenance payments will be and budget accordingly.

I think it would be good to start separating the contact and maintenance discussions.

On contact, you can be encouraging about letting him have a lot of time with her and wanting to facilitate that. As long as he understands there are no overnights or lengthy time away for a while, and that you will need to come to an agreed schedule, the details can perhaps wait a bit.

But as the saying goes, children are not pay-per-view. Whatever arrangements you come to, he will have some financial responsibility. This is the part that does need to be worked out now, because you need to plan ahead.

Yes usually 6 weeks at 90% of pay, then months of half pay, then smp. NHS mat pay is not bad.

Shame the OP doesn’t work in the NHS, then!

Ah, this is just the icing on the cake.

I had asked a few days ago to find out if his work need a copy of my MATB1 form. He replied saying they do but he isn’t taking paternity leave, just holidays. I say oh, how come? He says ‘the pay difference’. Oh yeah, the same pay difference I’ll be facing for months. If only I had the choice to use holidays for it instead, how lovely that would be. I made sure to tell him that this pay difference is the exact reason why we need to have this conversation now.

Anyway, he then started fluffing about how that doesn’t start til my due date so we have a few months to figure it out yet. I said it’s not for him to decide when I start to worry about my own financial circumstances. He’s now come out with his token line of ‘we will figure it out, no need to worry’. I’ve heard it so many times. Like I said, I’m not worried that he’s going to be a deadbeat and I do think he’ll do the right thing. I’m just so fed up of every conversation having to go on his terms. It feels like the bloody scan day conversation all over again.

Although, at least he said ‘we’ will figure it out and not ‘you’?

I’d stop the lengthy conversations, plan your life as a 100% single parent. Apply for child maintenance and that’s it. If he steps up in any way that’s great.

All he needs to do is tell you his salary and you can work out how much he will be paying and then agree on which day of the month. It is that simple.

Agree with @NeedToGetOuttaHere, stop all this texting. It’s just winding you up and you don’t need the stress. You don’t even need him to tell you his salary, just put in a claim with the CMS when the baby is born and they will get his salary details from him. Stop engaging with him- you won’t have any joy from him. It won’t get you the outcome you need. Stop torturing yourself.

He's being obtuse, flaky and awkward, deliberately.

You don't need the stress, or to 'spoon feed' him anything. Honestly, if it were me I would plan to be a total single parent, and go through CMS myself. You're being too nice and he's taking the piss. Why are you bending over backwards to accomodate him when he has absolutely no consideration for the impact this is having and will have on you, your body, your life, and your finances. He's even taking holiday instead of paternity leave because of the pay difference!

Stop making excuses for him. You don't have to be a hard faced cow to his face but you should definitely be making moves that are in your best interests, without considering him exactly like he is doing to you

Going halves on everything doesn’t mean a thing, it’s a way of avoiding being committed to a regular monthly payment to you.
Does he have a salaried job or is he self employed?

Definitely do not have him as your birth partner. You need someone there you are totally comfortable with.

Think carefully about putting him on the birth certificate immediately. It gives him rights in addition to obligations. He can make your life very difficult just for the fun of it. He can be added later but it's almost impossible to remove him once there.

You said you wouldn't hear from him before the birth if you didn't initiate contact. That's sad and not a good sign.

I strongly suggest you take a week and don't initiate contact during that time. Use the time you would spend agonizing over how to phrase your next email to him to research what benefits you will be entitled to, costs of childcare, how much earning potential and pension you will lose if you go part time. As others have said, figure out what YOU want first. Don't waste your energy on him. Because he's sure as hell not using any on you.

OP I'm sure you're right that he's not a bad guy. My own DH is very relaxed about everything and I know the type. In my case, DH stepped up when I was pregnant but that's because we were together and it was very obvious that a lot of things needed to be sorted out. I can see how if someone is very generally and detached from the daily reality of all this, they will just tune out.

BUT that doesn't make it right. He can be a decent guy and still be doing the wrong thing by not engaging with you on these questions. And he does sound rather self-absorbed, it's all about what he wants.

He is fobbing you off. How far along are you. Sorry if you've said but I don't remember reading that.

I think you either need to say to him "Look I am due to go on mat leave in... and I need to plan my finances. At the moment I know I will be on stat maternity pay and I need to know how much you will be contributing. We can just do this through the CMS but it would be better if we can agree something. Please can you tell me what you earn so that I can use the CSM calculator to work out what you should be paying me?"

OP I’ve just gone quickly back through the thread to give you this summary of his behaviour in response to your reasonable requests to make some plans.

1. you asked to have a conversation about parenting, finances etc- he waited 24 hours and the responded to tell you you can sort that all out later- so no conversation.

2. you texted again to clarify what sort of things you needed to discuss and plan, your reduction in income etc He didn’t respond. So he again denied you a discussion.

3. you texted him again after no reply yesterday and provided him with the CMS details. He responded straight away saying he couldn’t give you any idea of finances as he didn’t know when he was having the baby. After tooing and froing where you explained he wouldn’t have the baby at all initially the conversation ends with you still having no financial commitment from him at all. Despite him having the calculator there to work it out. So no answer to the question you asked.

4. you text again asking his expectations of how he will see the baby over the first few weeks and he gas lights you and tells you that he already told you he will live with you for that period.

5. you sent another message about matb1 and tell him this is why you need to plan ahead because your pay will reduce. He yet again tells you you have months to sort that out and “don’t worry” so that’s another discussion he has denied you.

So out of 5 requests (that I can count) for information from him, all you have managed to discover is that this man will be moving in with you for the first few weeks after your baby is born when you are in the most vulnerable condition of your life.

No discussion on finances, or what the baby will need, that can all be sorted out “later”, but one thing he was sure of is that he will be living in your home

I’ll also remind you that you didn’t even get to decide what time you went to your own medical appointment at. A man who isn’t even in a relationship with you decided what time you would go at.

You need to get very assertive, very fast. Or this man (and I suspect his parents) will be running your life through this child.

Please wake up.

You’re all right. I know that. I need to stop pandering to him.

I think this is the wake up call I needed.

@CraftyYankee

Definitely do not have him as your birth partner. You need someone there you are totally comfortable with.

Think carefully about putting him on the birth certificate immediately. It gives him rights in addition to obligations. He can make your life very difficult just for the fun of it. He can be added later but it's almost impossible to remove him once there.

You said you wouldn't hear from him before the birth if you didn't initiate contact. That's sad and not a good sign.

I strongly suggest you take a week and don't initiate contact during that time. Use the time you would spend agonizing over how to phrase your next email to him to research what benefits you will be entitled to, costs of childcare, how much earning potential and pension you will lose if you go part time. As others have said, figure out what YOU want first. Don't waste your energy on him. Because he's sure as hell not using any on you.

This.

Find another birth partner.
Take some time out without contacting him and see if he contacts you.
Don't put him on the BC - he can always be added later if he steps up but if he doesn't step up this way you have sole PR.
Give baby your surname and don't let him push you into his choice of first name.

Let him visit baby at your house but don't move him in when you're at your most vulnerable.

@ElderMillennial sorry, I don’t think I did say! I’m 24 weeks.

No do not let him move in when you will be adjusting to a newborn, and physically exhausted from the birth. If you have a good relationship with your mum, ask her if she can come and stay for a couple of weeks. Your babies’ dad can come and visit, and if you do then decide you want him to stay 1 or 2 overnights, you can do that in a time limited manner. But you two did not ever live together so far, don’t have the first few days of your babies life as when you try. That is the first thing.
Little and often is the advice for contact with babies, I think. In the early weeks and months, you are the primary carer and his time should be built up with what works for your DC so they have a good relationship which is in your DC’s interests.
If he stays with you, he can more easily argue for more contact in the early weeks and months, because he will say that contact was established when he was staying with you. This won’t necessarily suit a small baby.

Pull back from this situation: you have both far too much from him on one hand (that his parents have furnished the nursery and he plans to be at the birth and live with you when your baby is born (what is then stopping him inviting his parents round when he wants to? They paid for the nursery and he is staying with you after all) and on the other hand, you have too little (no financial commitment). You need a clear understanding of where you both stand.

Being a single parent and looking after a baby is not so hard that you need to give over your autonomy and primary care to someone who won’t give you the time of day. You should ensure you act in your baby’s best interests which is to ensure there is a relationship with their father. You do not have to have their father at the birth or living in your house to achieve this.

Do you know what his salary is? If so, do the CMS calculation yourself and then send it to him.

I get the feeling if you wait for him you'll be waiting a long time!

ultimately OP... it's you and your baby that are in this...

I agree with others that say he's being defensive flakey and avoiding financial commitment conversations...

he should not be your birthing partner.. and do not give the baby his surname..

You need to control the narrative now... claim CMS .. don't depend on him to play fair ..

Him wanting to see the baby as often as possible is not practical and even with the best of intentions ... won't work .. just ask the Divorced Parents on here...

OP you decide what is good for the baby and you first and foremost 🌺

Erm, up thread you said you were 28 weeks so either a typo or this thread is complete bollocks.

@justab0utsurviving whoops - just a typo! 28 weeks, due in May.

He wants to see the baby “as often as possible” and was shocked at not having overnights initially but isn’t even prepared to take a drop in wage for 2 weeks??!! The fact he’s not planning on taking paternity leave says a lot. if he’s not even going to be supportive of you straight after birth when will he be?

His reluctance to talk about finances is also worrying. Baby could be here in a matter of weeks if you ended up having them prematurely. So it’s in no way too early to talk about it. So the only explanation is he is avoiding talking about it.

I’d maybe get a bit tighter and say you want a proper contact and financial agreement in place or you’ll have to arrange it through CMS. When he says “we won’t know till baby is here” what does he mean? You know baby will need 24 he care, you know what you wage will drop to. You know enough to plan some basic agreements for the first 6 months of the baby’s life.

I’d keep copies of your correspondence too so there is a record of his reluctance to plan contact or financial agreement.

In a way his lack of interest might be a benefit. Seems unlikely he’ll be trying to take you to court to have residence if he can’t even be bothered to take 2 weeks paternity.

I think it’s common for the vast bulk of parenting to fall in the mother and I don’t think people always realise the extent of this until they have their own baby. Men have been able to share parental leave with mothers for a while now yet I don’t know one family that has chosen to split the parental leave.

I don’t think getting tighter is going to help OP. She came force him to do anything - she’s laid the groundwork and should plan for worst case but hope for best case. Good luck OP.

My DH didn’t take paternity - he had a weeks holiday. He still supports us financially and looks after his child!