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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childminder kicking out child for not being potty trained is she BU?

477 replies

minniemango · 14/02/2021 14:04

My niece is currently not able to attend her childminder as SIL isn't a keyworker. SIL has contacted childminder about care resuming from March 8th and been told she will only have DN back if SIL can guarantee she will have no accidents.
Is the childminder being unreasonable, is this even allowed?
DN is 5 and in Reception, no SEN.

OP posts:
Goneback2school · 14/02/2021 15:20

A work colleague had this issue with her dd of a similar age a few years ago. It also resulted in the childminder refusing to look after the child. After a bit of to and fro and getting her medically checked out it turned out the child is coeliac. Afaik with diet changes etc she is managing much better.

Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 15:20

Would it also be like a school saying we don't want to put ramps in so we won't take a child in a wheelchair. Or we don't want to train up our teachers so we won't take dyslexic pupils. Or a GP saying 'I don't speak Urdu so I am not prepared to have you as a patient'? Do you think those examples are not discriminatory either?

No, it would not be like those examples at all.

MixedUpFiles · 14/02/2021 15:21

Whether it is discrimination or not, I wouldn’t want my child in the care of someone who doesn’t want her there.

Your sister needs to take her child to the doctor for an actual exam not just an opinion from someone who is a doctor. I’ve known one child who had this problem at this age and it was not behavioral at all.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 15:23

@Tibtom children have a right to education. They don't have a right to childcare. That's another essential point you are missing.

BunnyRuddington · 14/02/2021 15:23

A work colleague had this issue with her dd of a similar age a few years ago. It also resulted in the childminder refusing to look after the child. After a bit of to and fro and getting her medically checked out it turned out the child is coeliac. Afaik with diet changes etc she is managing much better.

Her DD must feel so much better now she's been diagnosed and is in a suitable diet.

Same4Walls · 14/02/2021 15:23

Whether it is discrimination or not, I wouldn’t want my child in the care of someone who doesn’t want her there.

See I don't see it as her not wanting the child there it's just she's reached the end of her tether and doesn't see any other way to get the parents to take the situation seriously.

From all I've read the childminder appears to be the only person with the child's best interests in mind.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 14/02/2021 15:23

Who cares about the childminder, why is no-one in this little girl's life getting her any help? I sort of hope this thread was started by a troll because I can't imagine someone being more concerned about the CM than the child. OP if you aren't a troll get your niece some help FFS.

Mrsjayy · 14/02/2021 15:25

An accidental wee can happen kid distracted or not getting to the toilet on time, but pooing is different and I do think the childminder is within her rights to not take her if she is having to clean a 5 year old regularly.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/02/2021 15:26

I wouldn't want to cope with that everyday if it was my own child let alone on what childminders get paid.

Has her Mum got some support for her daughter?

grapewine · 14/02/2021 15:26

@minniemango

DN has been potty trained since she was 3 and is dry, but she has been a nightmare with poos. She does have either full poo accidents or dirty pants most days and the childminder had expressed before lockdown that she didn't want to deal with changing DN every day.
I'm with the childminder here.
Pipandmum · 14/02/2021 15:26

I don't think she's being unreasonable. I have no idea of the legal aspect but what if the child was a biter? Surely it's up to the childminder- she's paid by her customers, not the state. If the child is having daily accidents then she needs some help with that.

Lbnc2021 · 14/02/2021 15:26

Ffs this has made me so angry reading this. You’re obsessed with the childminder possibly being discriminating and every other adult around this poor child is quite happy to literally leave her sitting in her own shit. My daughter had this exact problem and she needed a small operation to repair a muscle and now she’s doing fine. But it was extremely upsetting for everyone at the time, my poor daughter would be so embarrassed and some of the kids in nursery and primary school would make fun of her. The school were fabulous with us though. If I were the childminder in question I’d be making a report to social services, maybe that will give your sister a boot up the arse to start getting proper help for her child.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/02/2021 15:29

She needs to seek medical advice or look at diet. It’s unreasonable for the childminder to have to deal with this every day when she has other children to look after.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2021 15:30

@MissMarpleDarling

My autistic 3 year old never had an accident. They are all different. At 5 though surely she wouldn't anyway.
That's not true for all with ASD; the family member I'm thinking of has ASD with associated SPD & the bowel control issues are linked.

I'm not at all saying that this is the issue with this little girl. But just saying there can be issues leading to this problem, that require intervention.

In my family member's case, it was a persistent issue till he was about 7 and is much better managed now he's nearly 9.

JosephineBaker · 14/02/2021 15:30

Poor bloody CM, having to be the only grownup in the situation. Of course she can refuse to take a 5yo with faecal incontinence. It affects the other children she’s caring for, not to mention being grim as hell.

Your SIL is BVU.

VienneseWhirligig · 14/02/2021 15:31

So your sister is annoyed about the inconvenience caused to her working life by her daughter's presence, by another working woman who is able to opt out of the inconvenience of your niece's presence, due to a situation exacerbated by your sister's lack of action? She needs to put her daughter first and take her to see a doctor, then maybe the childminder would be willing to reconsider. A health visitor looking at a 3 year old isn't thinking that in 2 years time the child will have the same issues, they will reassure the parent of a 3 year old that it won't be happening forever. A 5 year old who is still experiencing this is unusual and it must be distressing for her. And unpleasant as it sounds she will be known at school as the kid who shits herself. Not her fault but not fair on her either.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/02/2021 15:34

Childminder ratios allow for more school aged children because NT school aged children typically won't have the same physical demands as babies and toddlers.

I would imagine its quite difficult if shes managing perhaps a baby and a toddler to add in a school child having dirty accidents daily. Sorry but I wouldnt take that child either.

Dinkydody · 14/02/2021 15:34

Some children have a fear of pooing in the toilet as it feels like something is coming away from the body. 😬 sounds like they need some professional help.

MissMarpleDarling · 14/02/2021 15:35

Op not wanting to clean up a 5 year olds shit because the parents haven't got their child medical help isn't discrimination. I think you know that really.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/02/2021 15:35

I’m surprised this has not been escalated by the school if it’s been going on for a while and nothing has been done.

Radio4Rocks · 14/02/2021 15:38

Of course it isn't illegal.

VienneseWhirligig · 14/02/2021 15:39

Also - on the discrimination point - what is the child minder discriminating against? In your words your SIL thinks your DN is "lazy" and has no medical problems. So is the CM discriminating against her laziness? Unless you believe that your SIL is wrong and your DN does have a medical condition or disability, in which case you are being totally unreasonable by not looking out for your DN's interests and convincing SIL to seek medical advice. Have a word with yourself.

NerrSnerr · 14/02/2021 15:41

We had urinary issues with my eldest and it was very difficult to get help as the GPS and health visitors just repeated that it's normal and she'll grow out of it. Finally got a diagnosis and treatment but it was a fight.

Crackerofdoom · 14/02/2021 15:43

A reception child in DS's school wasn't allowed to attend because she broke her leg in 3 places and had to wear nappies as she couldn't use the toilet with a full leg cast.

Because it was a temporary situation and not a long-term disability it seems the school were able to make this call. Certainly a private childminder would have the right too.

I would urge her mum to speak to her GP as there are often reasons for regular poo accidents in older children -physical and psychological and not addressing them can make things worse.

Go to the ERIC website where there is loads of information and support from experts and forums where she will find people facing the same struggle who may be able to advise her.

midnightstar66 · 14/02/2021 15:45

I’m surprised this has not been escalated by the school if it’s been going on for a while and nothing has been done.

She's in reception so only been at school a short time with lockdown and potential burst bubbles - sounds like she's holding it in and the poor CM is getting the brunt of it later though so school likely aren't aware of the scale of the problem