Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

If he's not an adult at 29, you need to reflect on your parenting!

Greenland, what people do go crazy travelling when they are usually at the foot a career at late 20?

We did all the travelling at 18...then early 2os.

At the moment she's stable.

Imagine her parents counseling her? Working single mum, already had one bad life experience... LITTLE money... Few freedoms and she's supposed to give that stability up... Sink all her meager money into a house she's on the deeds too... That he can chuck her and her dc out of on a whim...

'' if adult dc can't make descions parenting home wrong ''

I agree...

With the nicest will in the world, he is 29. His life.

Lots of people have a partner and 2 kids before they’re 30. I understand it may not be for you, but it’s his life. His girlfriend seems like she has her head screwed on, she provides for her children, clearly manages her money well if she’s saved 10 grand, she looks after 2 DC without support from their dad and clearly puts them first. Your son loves her, you need to accept that. If it goes wrong then that’s life, he’ll learn from it. But you need to stop babying him, 29 is an adult, and as a PP said, if he isn’t an adult yet then you do need to reflect on your parenting

@o8O8O8o

OP you speak as if you see him as an extension of yourself rather than a sovereign adult

This. Let the man live his life.

I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times.

Surely that's the most important thing, and if by your own admission you can't comment on her personality, it's sad that you're writing her off because she has children and is attractive. Ring fencing deposits is sensible, and if she was the goldigger you seem to assume she is, then surely she wouldn't be happy with that.

I think you're selling him short by implying it is just infatuation, he is presumably smart as he is successful in his job, and I bet he isn't just shallow. Many men have families by the time they are 30, just because his friends don't, it doesn't mean that it the case generally. Although he might not know the full depth, at 29 be surely has an idea of the commitment and what he will be 'missing out on'. He also has a lot to gain though. My DB married a wonderful woman with 2 lovely children, he earns more than her and always has, but honestly he is so incredibly happy. They are a wonderful family, and she is currently pregnant with their child. People had reservations beforehand, but he is genuinely thriving, and still has an excellent relationship with his friends. Pre covid they would often come along to do stuff with the boys, and he still sees them alone etc. Most of them are now 'catching up' in terms of getting married.

It's good you were honest with him, but he has been honest with you, if you cannot support him in that decision, that's sad and a shame. If he has a good career then he will likely be set for life whatever happens, so worst case scenario, it's unlikely he will be in a position where he is struggling.

@subsea

If he's not an adult at 29, you need to reflect on your parenting!

I also agree with this.

Be there for him when it all falls apart. And make sure he’s aware of the implications of shared property and the ramifications of it doesn’t work out.

She is very attractive, and if I am being completely honest, she isn't on an equal looks standing with my son.

I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times. There are plenty of women who are nice though, without children, with careers etc.

I just can't... She should get the hell away from you.

OP, financials aside, I think you’re upset because your son will be moving 2 hours away from you. He’s 29, you have to let him go to lead his own life away from you and make his own mistakes ( I’m not saying what he’s doing is a mistake).

OP, you actually sound horribly interfering. Let your near 30 year old adult son run his own life.

I mean... 30! FGS. He’s nearly half-way through his life. 😂

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.

Cathch yerself on @myson123, 29 year olds are very much adults, making adult decisions. You are being unreasonable and utterly ridiculous.

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.

Oh come of it! He's a grown man with a job, his own home and will very soon turn 30. When exactly will he become an adult in your mind? When he's ready to retire?

If he isn't grown enough at TWENTY NINE
to make adult decisions about his own life then something has gone very wrong.

I feel sorry for this woman. All you see are 'faults', she's got two children (who she is quite rightly putting first), she doesn't earn enough, she's too attractive (), she'll never be good enough will she? I sincerely doubt anyone ever would be. And by your own admission you barely know her.

Your son loves her. He wants to build a life with her. You are running the risk of not being involved in that. I think that's really sad.

@Snowsnowglorioussnow

Greenland, what people do go crazy travelling when they are usually at the foot a career at late 20?

We did all the travelling at 18...then early 2os.

At the moment she's stable.

Imagine her parents counseling her? Working single mum, already had one bad life experience... LITTLE money... Few freedoms and she's supposed to give that stability up... Sink all her meager money into a house she's on the deeds too... That he can chuck her and her dc out of on a whim...

I don't mean travelling the world. I mean using your annual leave and salary to fund trips to wherever you fancy and your budget can take you.

18 - early twenties I was at uni.

@myson123

I didn't expect to get so many replies on this thread. Thank you and I am pleased to see there is balance within the responses. Of course I am going to be concerned for my son, as I would with any of my other children. I have guided and advised him through life so far, he is still young and I don't want to see him making a terrible mistake.

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions. None of his friends are married or have children, they still go on lovely holidays, enjoy childfree nights out, I don't think he has realised just what he'd be sacrificing. He'd be funding her, her two children, and as he says, they want their own shortly. So a girlfriend and 3 children to be responsible for before he is even 30.

I ended up ringing him this morning as I have been very upset and concerned over all of this, the replies on this thread just triggered me to actually voice my thoughts a little more loudly. It seems I have got it wrong with the 50/50 deed situation. They are going to ring fence their deposits (his 50k, her 10k) and own the house jointly. I told him that this is a better idea, but he will be contributing vastly more to the mortgage and bills then she will be. He will still end up out of pocket should they split, but at least his deposit is protected. I suggested renting first, but he insisted he knew she was the one and didn't want to waste money on mortgages/renting/bills. He won't rent his house out as he is scared about damage and that he won't be able to sell it in the near-future.

I think he is letting his infatuation run away with him, if I am honest. She is very attractive, and if I am being completely honest, she isn't on an equal looks standing with my son. He's also told me in the past that all of his friends have commented on her good looks too, how he is 'punching' etc. I think that this is a massive sway for him. I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times. There are plenty of women who are nice though, without children, with careers etc. I just think the whole thing is a recipe for disaster. I don't think he comprehends what he is actually getting himself in for.

Just to point out how foul and narrow minded your comments are, OP, I wouldn't exist if my dad hadn't decided to "take on" a very attractive woman and her two children and have more kids with her.

My dad is by objective and subjective criteria one of the best people I know, and my Gran was rightly proud to have a son like him. She wrote my mum a letter welcoming her to the family, and saying that his only flaw was that he always put himself last, and that my mum would have to watch out for him doing it too much. You seem instead to want to hoard up your son's qualities and would prefer him to be selfish and bad-hearted.

If you have any sort of self awareness at all I honestly think you should leave your son alone and think about the judgements you make of other people and their worth.

(Separately, I said it up thread, but I'll repeat that your son's friends will be sitting in the crest of a wave of settling down. I'm 32, and if I'd split with my husband for the sake of not "settling down" at 29, I'd have found myself a loner in the club at 30 when everyone else settled down. Besides, if you're that concerned I'm sure you'll be happy to put him up occasionally in his home town?)

Halfway through his life at 29.

@snowisfallingallaroundus

Would advise anyone, male or female, to avoid someone who already has children. Gets very messy.

@LolaSmiles
Whether someone demanding 50/50 split of equity in a property they've barely contributed to has nothing to do with how many years of fertility someone has.

Absolutely spot on.

@Lightningcrops
She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50

It's not so much he wants to put her on the deeds, but it's what the GF wants.

To be honest OP, I don't think your DS is ready/mature enough for this kind of relationship. He's 29, but is he a mature 29? I absolutely see your concerns about the financial side and her having children, but there's more to
maturity than career success and nothing you've said about him gives me the sense he is ready to be a stepdad or a dad.

It doesn't make sense to want a child by the end of the year, but not want to move in with her. That sounds like he wants to leave all the hard work to her and just be visiting. Surely the sensible thing would be living together before having a baby.

In cases where I've seen men like your DS be taken advantage of in similar relationships, very often they have a lower mental age and/learning difficulties or low self esteem/self worth. They're just besotted and happy to be in a relationship with an attractive woman and can't really see what's going on.

I can't see a happy ending here.

@myson123

I didn't expect to get so many replies on this thread. Thank you and I am pleased to see there is balance within the responses. Of course I am going to be concerned for my son, as I would with any of my other children. I have guided and advised him through life so far, he is still young and I don't want to see him making a terrible mistake.

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions. None of his friends are married or have children, they still go on lovely holidays, enjoy childfree nights out, I don't think he has realised just what he'd be sacrificing. He'd be funding her, her two children, and as he says, they want their own shortly. So a girlfriend and 3 children to be responsible for before he is even 30.

I ended up ringing him this morning as I have been very upset and concerned over all of this, the replies on this thread just triggered me to actually voice my thoughts a little more loudly. It seems I have got it wrong with the 50/50 deed situation. They are going to ring fence their deposits (his 50k, her 10k) and own the house jointly. I told him that this is a better idea, but he will be contributing vastly more to the mortgage and bills then she will be. He will still end up out of pocket should they split, but at least his deposit is protected. I suggested renting first, but he insisted he knew she was the one and didn't want to waste money on mortgages/renting/bills. He won't rent his house out as he is scared about damage and that he won't be able to sell it in the near-future.

I think he is letting his infatuation run away with him, if I am honest. She is very attractive, and if I am being completely honest, she isn't on an equal looks standing with my son. He's also told me in the past that all of his friends have commented on her good looks too, how he is 'punching' etc. I think that this is a massive sway for him. I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times. There are plenty of women who are nice though, without children, with careers etc. I just think the whole thing is a recipe for disaster. I don't think he comprehends what he is actually getting himself in for.

They should both be putting in equal deposits and then splitting the mortgage 50/50 and all living expenses, her even more so as she has 2 children who will use more. He could easily rent his own houses out and get a nice income from that and then match her 10k deposit and they buy a house together. Hes never been a step parent before so he's going to be in for a massive shock, I'd wait a year or two before having their own to make sure the dynamics work out first. I'm guessing if she is good looking and your so nnot so is because she can't find any other single good-looking bloke without kids to take her on with her baggage, so your son is the second best option and obviously your son thinks he has hit the jackpot and by the looks of it is willing to sacrifice everything for it and is currently blinded by fog, I just hope it works out for him otherwise there will be massive regrets especially financially for years and years.

You are massively over stepping op. He's a grown man. If you don't want to loose him then let him be. He's probably already told her you're concerned. You don't want her thinking you're against this. They will both just distance themselves. Maybe I'm part this is why he's moving further away rather than the other way around? If he's serious about her expect wedding bells soon. You need to start seeing her as a member of the family not some gold digger. It sounds like you raised an intelligent well balanced man. Trust him and try to embrace his chosen partner.

Can I just say that I think if he'd found a hurl without kids and with a career you'd dislike her just as much.
He's 29.everyone is about to start having kids and the world condensing down a bit to their new families.
You've not got to know her, told us things about their plans that were wrong. Focus on his happiness.
You don't think she's good enough but tbh sit and think.
Think about a career woman and the kind of wife that she'd be. Because they'd both be busy then. Both stressed. Both very little free time. And you might see him less. A sahm partner and his life is a lot easier in many ways.
Think about it...

"He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.”

That really isn't most people's experience and if it's your belief than you might need to reflect on your parenting and whether you've actually allowed your son to grow up or treated him like a child for so long into adulthood that he hasn't matured appropriately.

You seem to base a woman's value on attraction. What if your son is besotted because he thinks she's gorgeous and funny and clever and kind?

As you seem to view your son as an extension of yourself (which is incredibly unhealthy) perhaps again reflect on why you've raised a son who in your opinion would be enraptured by a woman's looks to the point he is making an incredibly poor life choice (in your opinion) purely based on her physical appearance.

You're overstepping, smothering and seem to lack self awareness.

He is an autonomous adult perfectly within his rights to making his own life choices independent of your approval.

If you think those life choices are poor and superficial (as you've repeatedly implied re her looks) then you haven't instilled good values in him have you?

That was meant to say:

You seem to base a woman's value on physical attractiveness. What if your son is besotted because he thinks she's gorgeous and funny and clever and kind?

Girl not hurl