Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

[myson123]

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

It can only go two ways. Well or not well.

If you raise your concerns in an assertive well, he is more likely to break contact with you whilst he moves AND less likely to come back to you if it indeed goes all pear shape as he'll expect the 'told you so' serenade that he'll want to avoid at all costs.

If you do and they prove you wrong, end up in a strong and committed relationship, you can wave good bye to a close relationship with them and future grand children.

Nothing to gain at all voicing your views.

Porridge HE doesn't want too, he doesn't want to waste money on renting!!

Exactly. And HE wants to live with her and have more kids. So it comes down to, if he wants certain things he also has to do certain things.

I think putting your name on the deeds is a strange thing to talk about before you've even moved in with each other. It's not strange to want it as an ideal, but very businesslike, and it sounds a very sort of hard-nosed discussion to have had so early on. From what OP has said, it sounds as if her son is almost perplexed and dumbfounded by these discussions and doesn't know and can't think of what to say and reasons why he doesn't want it. He has just, in the past, thrown his hands up and said 'I need a break from the nagging' . OP is suggesting lines of reasoning, but he isnt. All he can say is that he doesn't feel ready.

It seems as if he is a young 30 year old, and thinking through these situations is all a bit new and baffling to him. He doesn't have the life experience and emotional maturity to navigate this situation.

He should be easily thinking of valid reasons to be cautious and to stick up for his own misgivings. He should be thinking and saying things like if they get married and stay married for twenty years, she would get half the house anyway. It's only if you split after a small number of years that who is on the deeds and who put in more really impacts...so does she think they might split after s few years?

The obvious thing for OP's son to say is that it would be unsettling for the children if they lived together and it didn't work out, so best to take things in smaller steps. She must surely acknowledge the validity of such an argument. She can't not do. For her, the security of her kids must be more important than her desire to have more kids and to live with a partner. Why isn't OP son asking "What would be wrong with living in separate homes? Easier for the children." And to rush into having a baby together within a year gives those children more change to deal with - not ideal. What it achieves of course is making the relationship between the adults more complex and intertwined. But we know from MN, that many posters would say not to inflict too much change on children so soon. Obviously, we don't know how much time he has regularly spent with those children in the 2.5 years, getting them used to his being there.

If OP son can't see for himself that the argument about paying rent and mortgage is a spurious one ( given he could rent out his house) then he doesn't seem equipped and mature enough to enter into this serious commitment.

It goes without saying that sometimes the heart wants something and the head holds back, because that's the dilemma most people have from time to time and the phrase sums up many relationships. But you have to find a practical way through the conflict of head and heart. It's a life skill to be capable of doing this. He isn't doing this, he's just saying 'I'll jump in our of my comfort zone and hope for the best as nothing ventured nothing gained'

If OP knew he wasn't going to lose gf, but would be given time to get used to greater commitment, then the situation would be fairer for him. The gf still has a partner - just not one who co-owns a house with her. She isn't without the love, support and emotional commitment which you could - potentially - discover with someone else.

It's a big step he is contemplating. They might end up being a family of six - if they have two more children. That's four children's education and futures to guide. It's hardly surprising that he is wanting to wait before committing to such serious responsibility.

I think putting your name on the deeds is a strange thing to talk about before you've even moved in with each other. It's not strange to want it as an ideal, but very businesslike, and it sounds a very sort of hard-nosed discussion to have had so early on.

She has two children. She is being responsible, not wanting to move her kids into a home she has no right to live in.

Diver, really good post, except most of this seems to be coming from him.

Also I disagree that she has a partner, not from where she is standing Clearly.... Compared to her he is still living a bachelors life.
She's asked for commitment...

She has two children. She is being responsible, not wanting to move her kids into a home she has no right to live in.
I'd agree, if the option was on the deeds or not on the deeds. Women are rightly advised against moving and paying towards a property they have no claim on.

But she could be on the deeds and have the split drawn up to reflect what each of them put in. If she won't entertain a fair split on the property then that's just as problematic as cocklodging.

Secret, don't you trust your dc?

They are 14 and 18. Whilst I trust them with a lot of things, they are, naturally very naive and immature when it comes to relationships. That's to be expected, however, as they are teenagers with no/little experience of relationships.

I was 24 when I was engaged and felt uneasy, but didn't have the experience and maturity to understand why. My dad helped me to articulate my feelings and allowed me to realise that I was marrying a controlling, abusive bastard. He had more life experience and wisdom than I did.

I don't know what my two will be like at 24 or 29. We'll just have to wait and see. However, if needed I will help them in the way that my Dad did me.

*I'd agree, if the option was on the deeds or not on the deeds. Women are rightly advised against moving and paying towards a property they have no claim on.

But she could be on the deeds and have the split drawn up to reflect what each of them put in. If she won't entertain a fair split on the property then that's just as problematic as cocklodging.*

But what would that mean? Would she be able to force the sale of the property if they split up and get her equity back? Does she have a secure tenancy at the moment? If he wants more children is she going to have to give up her small income to facilitate that?

He wants a long-term relationship with a woman who already has responsibilities. It’s not about “cocklodging” at all.

I can see why she doesn’t want to uproot her kids - it makes more sense for him to move, but it is a big move. If I were him I’d rent my house out and move in with her first to see how it goes. He can pay rent or the bills or contribute 50% on the mortgage or whatever but buying a house with someone you keep splitting up with and who has 2 kids is deffo a massive step.

If I were him I’d rent my house out and move in with her first to see how it goes. He can pay rent or the bills or contribute 50% on the mortgage or whatever

Which all sounds very sensible, except that, for her, moving him in might affect her entitlement to benefits (she works part-time - I assume she claims UC) or even childcare. So from her point of view, he moves in, she gives up her claim and lives only on her part-time wage, and three months later he decides it’s not working for him and goes back to mummy, leaving her screwed.

@astudyinpink, so in order for her to feel secure he has to first buy a house and offer her 50% of the house when she is not contributing anywhere near that? All before either of them had a chance to even live under the same roof to see if it is workable? After on/off relationship for 2 years?

so in order for her to feel secure he has to first buy a house and offer her 50% of the house when she is not contributing anywhere near that? All before either of them had a chance to even live under the same roof to see if it is workable? After on/off relationship for 2 years?

Possibly. I’m not saying she’s not asking a lot. But why shouldn’t we ask a lot of someone who wants to share our life and become parents with us?

I think there are some very different attitudes to relationships on this thread. I imagine hers is more like mine. She’s a mum. She’s independent. She’s not going to give that up for anything less than 100% commitment. Good for her.

You need to focus on her qualities rather than what she is. Having two children already isn't what you might if envisioned but blended families can be amazing! I love my family (2 step children, one of my own and one on the way) I would not change it. As for her wage yes there is an imbalance there but that's for them to sort out. She is earning, she's not relying on the state she was independent before. As for moving two hours away children move away. I moved away, to a place which wasn't as lovely as the one I left but I did it for my partner who I love to pieces and it worked.

Try and get to know her, understand the qualities your partner sees in her, I know you are worried but he has to make his own decisions in life and it's your role to advise and support. Which I know is never easy.

Well, the whole point of 20th century, feminism, all the rights for women is to be equal with men. Not just rights, but responsibilities as well. I truly believe a person of any sex should be responsible for their own finances and their own children. She shouldn't think that there is a bloke who should pay for her and her kids and assign assets to her before BEFORE they even start building a family together.

I truly believe a person of any sex should be responsible for their own finances and their own children.

She is. But he wants to join that set-up and bring more children into it. So bugger ‘the whole point of the 20th century’ - she knows what that means. It means her continuing to work part-time, continuing to look after kids, continuing to be financially vulnerable compared to her partner. Unless she insists on different terms.

And he doesn’t have to do a thing. He can walk away right now if he wants to.

I agree that if they've been on-and-off and never even lived together, I would be extremely concerned about him selling his house and buying a house together without even having tried living together for a few months first. I'd also strongly advise him against putting her on 50/50 when she can't contribute anywhere near 50/50 - they can always change this in the future, but it massively exposes him to financial risk. What if they split up in six months? How would he feel about losing tens of thousands to her?

But as others have pointed out - he's an adult, so all you can do is give him your advice then support him in his decisions. I disagree with those that say you should keep out of your adult children's lives though - I am 31 and hugely appreciate my parents' views, even if I don't always follow their advice. They are older and wiser and have more life experience than I do.

Your son sounds like he has his head screwed on and is lucky enough to have found a woman he genuinely loves and wants to build a future with. It's also impressive that he seems to sincerely care for her children and can picture himself expanding their family together. She sounds quite headstrong and protective of her kids, not wanting them to build a bond with someone who is only half in.

Honestly, to me they sound like they could make a great team. OK she isn't bringing as much to the table financially but the fact she's managed to save 10k whilst raising 2 children on her own and runs a household without any input from their father (you mentioned they were no contact) is very impressive, she's clearly not an idiot with money.

I really wish them both well, they could be a very lovely, little blended family - and you could be doting, much loved in laws/ grandparents if you support and accept them.

You can't stop him from moving in with her but you can be there for him if he needs you. The strong emotions and a hard NO could make him go resentful against you, so I'd let him make his own decisions.

I can understand why, after 2 1/2 years of an on-off relationship, she is wanting to move it forwards to greater commitment. I'm just a little bit uncomfortable with the terms she is proposing, because they do make her look money-grabbing. Why on earth should anyone be obliged to put a minor contributor onto their mortgage deeds as a 50% owner as a condition of moving in with them and continuing the relationship.

Her words "or I'll find someone else" sounds the type of threat you make to a man who isn't that keen, where you are trying to assert your worth and how other men might appreciate you more. Its a bit of a desperate gambit.

The OP mentioned that none of her son's friends have children and it takes a really high level of commitment for someone to break away from what their friendship group is doing for someone who is outwith that group and who has led, and leads, an entirely different lifestyle. At that age, everyone I know was beginning to move in with partners but then enjoying at least a couple of great fun years travelling on exotic holidays with no childcare responsibilities, exploring the world, doing sports and adventure races, going off on spontaneous camping weekends, that sort of thing. Those are the sort of shared experiences that tend to bind couples really well together - when they go through difficult times, they can look back to those shared memories of carefree fun together. Not settling down to childcare responsibilities for someone else's 2 kids. Your son, in moving in with this woman, would be waving goodbye to those life experiences that most people his age have (and yes, I know covid will delay exotic holidays for the time being).

So your son would have to be unusually committed to her for this to work, and I'm going to hazard a guess that he isn't going to go through with it.

His girlfriend too must also surely be aware that she is in danger of coming across as a bit of a golddigger. It was her choice to have 2 children in her twenties, and she must have also been aware that it would make it difficult to work full time (the OP hasn't mentioned the facts that made her a single mum), and those are quite specific choices to make. Having another man, a high earner at that, buy her most of a family sized house to live in and to settle down and commit to raising her children as well as any they have themselves, is literally dream-come-true territory. It only very rarely works out for people like that. But she really isn't doing or saying much to dispel those kind of notions, is she? She's not looking to further her career by returning to full time work in the near future, or to go to university or retrain (apologies if she has already been to uni), but is planning on having more children.

You sound way too involved, and I think you'll already have done a lot of damage to your future life as Nanny or whatever you would like to be called.

OP - what can you do to help him?

"Son, only you know how you feel and only you and GF can know of this is the right decision for you both and the children. Whatever you decide, I'll support you abs whatever happens, I'm here for you"

Then you let him get on with being an adult.

(Just as a side note, I'm a single parent. My ex cheated on me when I was 20 weeks pregnant with a much wanted baby and also had a 2.5 year old. I also have an extremely successful professional job. I decided I deserved better than a cheat abs my girls deserved a better role-model than someone who accepted being treated that way. We are a happy family unit and thriving. I don't have a partner but if I do meet someone, they will need to be exceptional. I hope they are not as judgemental as you are being. There is time to reflect and change. Single parents have loads to offer in relationships with romantic partners and with in-laws. I have a good relationship with my ex's parents. It's really depressing to thing I might be labelled as "less" because I am successfully raising 2 wonderful girls"

Apologies for typos.

You have to leave him to make his own decisions, if you try and tell him what to do, it will likely just wedge you apart. I get that it's not the 'ideal' of what you want for him, but it's his choice. His money is his, and where he lives is up to him, the best course of action is just to let him know you are there to support him if he needs it.

I didn't expect to get so many replies on this thread. Thank you and I am pleased to see there is balance within the responses. Of course I am going to be concerned for my son, as I would with any of my other children. I have guided and advised him through life so far, he is still young and I don't want to see him making a terrible mistake.

He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions. None of his friends are married or have children, they still go on lovely holidays, enjoy childfree nights out, I don't think he has realised just what he'd be sacrificing. He'd be funding her, her two children, and as he says, they want their own shortly. So a girlfriend and 3 children to be responsible for before he is even 30.

I ended up ringing him this morning as I have been very upset and concerned over all of this, the replies on this thread just triggered me to actually voice my thoughts a little more loudly. It seems I have got it wrong with the 50/50 deed situation. They are going to ring fence their deposits (his 50k, her 10k) and own the house jointly. I told him that this is a better idea, but he will be contributing vastly more to the mortgage and bills then she will be. He will still end up out of pocket should they split, but at least his deposit is protected. I suggested renting first, but he insisted he knew she was the one and didn't want to waste money on mortgages/renting/bills. He won't rent his house out as he is scared about damage and that he won't be able to sell it in the near-future.

I think he is letting his infatuation run away with him, if I am honest. She is very attractive, and if I am being completely honest, she isn't on an equal looks standing with my son. He's also told me in the past that all of his friends have commented on her good looks too, how he is 'punching' etc. I think that this is a massive sway for him. I can't really comment on her personality, we've only met her a handful of times. There are plenty of women who are nice though, without children, with careers etc. I just think the whole thing is a recipe for disaster. I don't think he comprehends what he is actually getting himself in for.

“He is 29, an adult, but let's be honest - most 29 year olds aren't really adults making adult decisions.”

Really? If my 29 year olds weren’t capable of making adult decisions, I would feel we’d got something very wrong.