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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

cansu · 14/02/2021 23:25

myson123
Imagine what the girlfriend's mum might be thinking.

My daughter has been involved with this man who has been stringing her along for two years now. He won't move down here and just wants to maintain his single, luxury lifestyle close to all his family and friends. He wants my daughter to move there - she would have no financial stake in his house and would have to move her children away from their schools and their friends and extended family. His mum is very involved and doesn't really think my daughter is good enough as she isn't as well off as him.

When you look at it this way, she doesn't sound like a heartless gold digger, just a woman taking care of herself and her children.

TheSparkleJar · 14/02/2021 23:26

I have a feeling they will move in together and she will very quickly be pregnant.

This is exactly what I think will happen.

Well, yes... because earlier in the thread you said your DS wants to have more children with her by the end of the year so it's interesting that it's being framed as her being conniving...

You don't think she's good enough for him, you don't want him to be with a woman who has children already and lives two hours away. Is she really controlling, or are you just annoyed that she's prioritizing her children instead of yours? And is it really out of order for her to want to be in a serious relationship and not a casual one?

I cant help wondering if the unhappiness he's been speaking about is because he's had people in his ear telling him that she's all wrong for him. if he's decided to pursue the relationship and move hours away for her, it's time for you to support him and wish him well. And try to get on friendly terms with his girlfriend or you'll be back here complaining about grandparent estrangement in a year or two.

SuperHighway · 14/02/2021 23:33

The more you get involved the more he will push against you to prove a point. He's a grown man so just step back and offer support when asked for it. And remember, any children he has with her will be your grandchildren, so it would be wise to maintain a good relationship with their mother.

Imelda03 · 14/02/2021 23:39

I really think you are reading this wrong. He may be telling you he’s unsure but to be Frank I think he’s telling you that to stop you being so upset and to get you off his back ie to make you feel better as it seems you feels it a her or you/the family situation.

He’s a man and he’ll do what he wants in the end. Try and give him the support he needs and remember that he could meet a virtuous single virgin who he could marry in a heartbeat and divorce just as quick and be left with half his money/house whatever ........her having two children doesn’t automatically mean she’s the goldigging type !!!

Bythemillpond · 15/02/2021 00:07

I can only give advice on moving to a new area.
Rent his house out and rent somewhere with the girlfriend and see if he likes the area and gets on with the girlfriend before committing fully

KittyWindbag · 15/02/2021 00:14

I’m so grossed out by the posts saying how awful it would be if the poster’s precious children got together with someone already with kids.

Hate to bust your bubbles but this is increasingly common and blended families are likely to touch all of our lives.

I have close family members who have cried to me because they have been let down in marriages and now feel like soiled goods. I have heard the words ‘who is going to want a single mum/ dad with kids?’ And it has broken my heart. Life is complicated and hard on people. Families break apart. Do we send those soiled Broken parties to live in the fringes?? Ffs.

OP back off and let your son live his life. You’d be far better off making friends with this woman. You’re going to do immeasurable damage. Even if you’re right about this place woman. Your son needs to make his own choices and he will resent you if it doesn’t work out because she will blame you.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2021 00:25

YYY to all of that, @LaBellySausage.

My oldest DD gave her previous BF the heave-ho for exactly those reasons two years ago, at age 28.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2021 00:27

It's doable in a day but you probably wouldn't want to do it frequently.

Not walking, no. Or on a bike.

But in a car - I honestly can't see the problem. He already drives an hour to work from where he currently lives, and another home again, every day.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2021 00:33

OP said she's very attractive

She didn't mean that as a compliment.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2021 00:33

It was more of a weird feather in her son's cap...

wirldsgonemad · 15/02/2021 00:42

@Oswin

Of course she doesnt want to move her children. She is being sensible. Also shes reasonable to want a relationship to either progress or end. You are determined to paint her as a son stealing witch when nothing you have said makes her seem unreasonable.

I agree with this. I think it's just not what you hoped for him so you almost want to stop it. He loves her and he should live with her. It's best they don't get on a mortgage together until they've lived together for a year or 2 imo.

RootyT00t · 15/02/2021 00:52

@mathanxiety

OP said she's very attractive

She didn't mean that as a compliment.

I didn't say she did.

Someone asked how we knew she was beautiful.

RootyT00t · 15/02/2021 00:52

@mathanxiety

It was more of a weird feather in her son's cap...

I don't think so. I think it was more that she doesn't think he's thinking with his heart...

LaceyBetty · 15/02/2021 01:01

@Lady089

I hope your son walks away and leaves this lady to be with someone who actually respects her and wants to share their life with her. He is blatantly stringing her along, if after over 2 years he hasn’t made any sort of commitment to her. She is a single parent with 2 DC who have no contact with their father, she provides for herself and her children and has managed to save 10k towards a deposit, she sounds rather amazing to me. Your posts raise many red flags about you and your son. You’ve put this poor woman down before even welcoming her into your lives. Honestly, she deserves much better! I hope she sees sense.

Absolutely agree.

Molly499 · 15/02/2021 01:46

Just maybe the girlfriend is desperate for him to move in just so they can spend time together because with all of the restrictions in place they must have hardly seen each other in the last year, this is therefore still quite a new relationship.

In the OP’s position and what her son is saying I would have reservations too. He should just move in if he wants to, rent his house and take things slowly. Maybe he has concerns about upsetting her children if things don’t work out.

LovePoppy · 15/02/2021 01:52

@myson123

I'm not happy with the entire thing if I am honest. I would never have chosen for him to be with a woman that already has 2 children. He is making his life unnecessarily stressful. I know this won't make me popular, but I doubt many mothers would really want their son to settle down with a woman who already has multiple children. He will also be far enough away that he cannot have the support of his family and friends through this stressful time.

She also earns a fraction of what he does, which will mean he will be biggest contributor. As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds. I've mentioned renting, but he doesn't want to as they will be spending the majority of their wages on rent/bills etc! And he is also looking to have more children with her soon. All of this is ringing massive alarm bells to not only me, but the rest of our family too. I can't see it ending in any sort of positive way.

You sound like a nightmare MIL. Is anyone perfect enough for you ?

Tdaadfb100 · 15/02/2021 02:17

Renting his house out and moving in with her for a while is a great idea. Then he will see what life will be like, good or not so great, with her and 2 DCs on a daily basis. A trial run.. then he can decide.
Let us know what happens!

SionnachGlic · 15/02/2021 02:42

Like pp, he should rent out his house & they should rent together first for alot of reasons, not least because it could prove a v exp mistake. It sounds like he is immature if he can't see/understand the financial risks. But not your decision at the end of the day, the most you can do is say your concerns but ackowledge it is his decision & wish him all the best...I'd be repeating about renting first a few times I think before I could let it go!!

GADDay · 15/02/2021 02:48

Can you imagine if a Mum came on here and asked - "Are these red flags??"

My boyfriend keeps changing his mind about moving?
His behaviour is enabled by his interfering - and frankly bizarrely over invested behaviour.
His mother dislikes the fact that I have children from APR.

I'd bet my last biccie that the majority of posters would tell her to run for the hills.

The OP is so bizarre I am struggling to believe it is real and not a reverse or wind up.

Nonameslob · 15/02/2021 02:49

When I read your title I thought you were going to talk about a teenager, not a 29 year old! If she was my daughter I'd be telling her to run from mummy's boy as far as possible. This doesn't bode well for her and her children's future. She is asking for commitment or she will move on. There's nothing wrong with that, he is perfectly able to do so, she's just saying she's not prepared to wait around while he thinks about it. Why should she? If she wants more children she might not want to waste time on someone who isn't serious about her. You sound dreadful and I wouldn't want my daughter to have a MIL like you.

GADDay · 15/02/2021 02:49

bizarrely over invested MOTHER

snowisfallingallaroundus · 15/02/2021 03:03

Would advise anyone, male or female, to avoid someone who already has children. Gets very messy.

Wombatstew · 15/02/2021 03:19

I made a few relationship mistakes in my late 20’s and early 30’s. I wish someone had cared enough about me to talk to me about potential pitfalls.

What has he said about protecting his assets? This would not be unreasonable at least until the relationship goes on further. I wouldn’t be saying anything about the other things you mentioned and be trying to welcome her and her kids into my family.

Coyoacan · 15/02/2021 03:39

OP, you need to lighten up. And having a wonderful step-parent can make the world of difference to children - would you not want your son to play that lovely role?

My nephew married a wonderful woman with two children and they make a beautiful family. I'm so glad my SIL wasn't like the OP.

Inkpaperstars · 15/02/2021 03:56

I can’t follow your son’s train of thought here at all.

He says he wouldn’t be moving in with her if it was up to him, not yet at least. But wants to be having a child with her by the end of this year? Totally contradictory. Equally he has apparently had all these doubts about committing but wants to buy a place with her soon rather than give it some time living together first? Makes no sense, ok he may be paying rent and mortgage for a while (although presumably she currently covers her rent and he could rent his own place out) but rather that than risk losing out much more financially by being tied down in a house purchase if it doesn’t work out.

There is nothing you can do, he will have to find his own way. But I do think it sounds like a lot of the confusion and contradiction here is coming from him, not her.

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