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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not want my son moving in with his girlfriend and her 2 children.

999 replies

myson123 · 14/02/2021 13:52

Hello. I am hoping I can get some advice from mum's of older/independent children.

I've got a 29 year old son, he is my eldest of 3 children. He has been with his girlfriend on/off for two and a half years and she has 2 children from her previous marriage. My son has a fantastic career which gives him a great lifestyle and he earns upwards of £50k with hefty bonuses. He has a brilliant friendship group from childhood, who myself and my husband have a really close relationship with too. He has bought himself a house in the same area as us - the area is also where his friends and the rest of our family live.

Since meeting his girlfriend, I feel like she is very controlling of our son. Even though he has a house (4 bedrooms!) and the perfect set up here, she is insistent that they move to her area, which is 2 hours away. This is because her children are at school and her family lives there. Whilst I can understand this, it means isolating my son from us, his family and his friends. He won't know anybody in her area. He won't be able to live the spontaneous life that he has been doing. It will also have massive financial repercussions as he will need to sell his house and buy one in her area. Her area is a lot more expensive, so he won't get as good a property for his money. She can contribute some money, but my son will be contributing £50k to her £10k. She also earns a lot less than my son, working only part-time, but she wants to be put on the house deeds 50/50.

She's been pressuring for him to live with her for quite some time, and this has meant they have split up countless times. He has made plans in the past to move in with her, then they argue, and he doesn't. He's now decided that if he is to be with her, he just needs to jump in feet first or he will lose her forever. She's said as much. He is madly in love with his girlfriend, but as his mum, I am very worried that it will all end in disaster. What can I do to help him?

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 15/02/2021 03:58

He is 29yo. The end. Yes, I do have adult children. Yes, it’s hard to see them make mistakes but it’s part of adulting.

Just be there if it all falls apart but meanwhile DO NOT insert yourself into this.

Inkpaperstars · 15/02/2021 03:59

Also, while I understand you may have fears for any relationship that has been on rocky ground, and for his financial obligations, much of your opposition does seem a bit unreasonable. 30 isn’t young to marry and settle down, and it was always a high chance the person he would meet would not live really nearby. Of course at some point he will commit to a partner and no longer be able to live such a spontaneous life or prioritise being near parents and friends. That is totally normal, and because she has two dc in school it is completely reasonable for her to want him to relocate. It’s not even that far.

PerveenMistry · 15/02/2021 04:08

She sounds like a moneygrubber with her eye on a cushy meal ticket.

Unfortunately I don't see what you can do.

PerveenMistry · 15/02/2021 04:09

@snowisfallingallaroundus

Would advise anyone, male or female, to avoid someone who already has children. Gets very messy.

I've made it a lifelong priority to avoid men with children and have never regretted it.

LoislovesStewie · 15/02/2021 06:10

Bloody hell! I'm just glad that my stepmother was prepared to take on my single parent dad and treat his daughter (me) as though I was her child.

supersonicginandtonic · 15/02/2021 07:02

I have deja vu!
Mother in law is this you from 5 years ago?

HankMarvinjg · 15/02/2021 07:04

You sound like a my exmil, no I didn't separate from my wife. My wife separated from her toxic parents! Don't smother, its not your life to lead.

HankMarvinjg · 15/02/2021 07:04

@supersonicginandtonic

I have deja vu! Mother in law is this you from 5 years ago?

Snap... hahahaha

LolaSmiles · 15/02/2021 07:49

Not wanting to move children from schools is fair enough.
Wanting commitment is fair enough.
Wanting 50:50 ownership when input is so unequal is a big red flag
This this this.
It's concerning how many people seem to think it is reasonable to demand 50% of an asset without contributing proportionally.

The son and his girlfriend could easily move in together, see how they find living together, see if being a step parent works, see if they are compatible long term without him having to hand over 50% of a house.

I wish people would stop saying 'if it were a man making these demands the answers would be different' etc etc
Whether someone demanding 50/50 split of equity in a property they've barely contributed to has nothing to do with how many years of fertility someone has.

Damn right the responses would be different if a poster said 'My daughter has split up with her boyfriend several times because she isn't sure if she wants to move in with him. He works part time with his kids and fair enough doesn't want to uproot them, but he wants my daughter to pay substantially more for a house and for her to give him 50% of the equity. AIBU to think there's some red flags?'

Lightningcrops · 15/02/2021 07:56

As well as this, he is looking to sell his house and put her on 50% of the deeds.

That is what OP wrote, if he is happy to do this then why is it her business?

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 08:00

Nobody knew because that statement is utter and complete bollocks.

shitsandgig · 15/02/2021 08:00

This post is so sad. I was a single mum when I met my DP. His parents welcomed me into their family with open arms. This included my children. They are there for birthdays and Christmasses. They pick up little treat for the children when they are shopping etc.

I really think you will end up pushing your son away if you don't accept his gf and her DC.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 08:05

Women can't wait around forever. It's totally reasonable to say 'look, we either move in, get married and have a family, or it's over'. Why should she gamble her fertility on a man who doesn't know if he wants to commit to her after 2.5 years at 29?

Men have decades to have kids. Sure they might not be as sprightly, but they can have a family for much longer than we can.*

Exactly. She doesn’t want to mess about and knows how she wants her life to be. He either shares that vision or he’s not the one for her.

MzHz · 15/02/2021 08:05

This is similar to why happened to my oh.

I’ve read your posts @myson123 and I share your fears.

All I can say is tell him not to make any permanent moves for a couple of years, rent his place out for income

He needs proper legal advice or it could cost him pretty much everything

His instincts thus far have been right but now he’s sticking his fingers in his ears and saying la la la.

I think she knows full well what she’s doing and he needs to protect himself

I too wouldn’t want my ds having a relationship with someone who already has kids, and I say that as someone who did.

I hope he sees sense

MzHz · 15/02/2021 08:07

@shitsandgig

I really think you will end up pushing your son away if you don't accept his gf and her DC.

You’re not making ultimatums, you’re not demanding he had over half the value of his house to you for practically nothing in terms of contribution

If your h put in deed of trusts to protect his deposit etc, you’d be ok with that

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 08:34

^^that poster didn't need to make one as her partner clearly was committed to her and supported by his family.

SecretSpAD · 15/02/2021 08:35

My son is only 18 so this isn't something that I've experienced yet. However, whilst I wouldn't care whether he got involved with someone with children already, I would be concerned if he was planning on making a massive financial and emotional commitment to someone who appears to end the relationship whenever he didn't dance to her tune, or agree to a course of action that she wanted, but he wasn't sure about. I would also be concerned about him having children so soon with a woman he had had an on/off relationship with for 2 years in the middle of a pandemic.

My daughter is 14, so even more distant for her, but I'd not want her to commit a large amount of money and emotion into a relationship with a man who ended a relationship whenever she didn't commit to, or feel ready for, a course of action that he wanted. I would also not want her to have children with a man who had already shown that if he doesn't get his own way he would end the relationship until she came around to his way of thinking.

I will be forever grateful to my Dad who was the one who pointed out that my ex-fiance was controlling. I told him about how my fiance was keen for us to marry on graduation, but I didn't feel comfortable with it being that soon. My Dad helped me to recognise that there was nothing about my relationship that was right. He gave me the support and advice I needed to leave it. He wasn't interfering, he wasn't controlling he was a concerned, loving parent.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 08:37

In also staggered by people saying that a single mums contribution is worth nothing?

The finance, emotional etc costs to her are far higher, her 10 grand is worth more to her and what she can do with her 2 dc....

Who knows. Maybe these are mistakes she met with the first feckless man and she wants to be sure this time this man wants to stay.

Who can blame her?

He doesn't have to do anything and it Seems many ideas are his.

I'm said earlier I think she's making a huge mistake.

Rooroobear · 15/02/2021 08:39

Plus he’s 29, there’s probably not that many women he will meet who don’t have children. Will you be like this with everyone of his girlfriends?

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 08:42

Secret, don't you trust your dc?

I said earlier, my dd is 13 and already she's sensible, can look at a situation from all angles... I trust her.

If she ever came to me with an issue like this I would break it down into emotional, moral, financial, legal and love... Pie and discuss each part eg.. The man has 2 dc... On his own... Do you love him enough to do the right moral thing and not string him and his dc along and what are the legal and financial implications.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 08:44

From what I can gather op has not mentioned happiness etc... Or how they get on it's all been about him moving away from her and money.

So I imagine he could meet an absolute bitch but as long as she's close and doesn't want to move and earns enough it will be OK.

oscarmum20 · 15/02/2021 08:47

having read your updates i think you need to ket him live his life. You are absolutely not seeing it from her point of view and are treating him like a child.You may think of him as a golden boy but from another side....he is a bloke who's been in a relationship for a few years now but insists on keeping his own house and hang out with his mates whenever he feels like it. If this was my mate, I'd tell her to stay clear and he's a player because at 29 I'd be assuming that he isnt cutting out his bachelor life style because he's seeing other women and not because he wants to stay close to mummy. And if I had kids then I would absolutely be making ultimatums after this long....she has kids and doesnt want them to get attached to someone who is just going to disappear. But if you dont learn to butt out then you will lose him even if its not to this woman but to the nice single and well paid one...because why would an independent and professional woman put up with a boyfriend who runs home to cry to mummy...in fact, the fact he does that makes him pretty unattractive. So let him be a grown man and butt out of his life.

Porridgeoat · 15/02/2021 08:50

Surely he should just rent his house out and live with her in her house for a couple of years before selling

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 15/02/2021 08:52

Porridge HE doesn't want too, he doesn't want to waste money on renting!!

Porridgeoat · 15/02/2021 08:54

The other alternative is that you encourage her and her kids to be an active part in your families life so that she feels supported also

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