To be cringing at all the look how in love we are valintines posts on social media

[Hahaha88]

Maybe I'm just old and cold hearted but it honestly makes me cringe seeing my social media flooded with posts about how much they love their other half and pics of their cards and gifts for valentines day. Surely no one actually cares or wants to see?! Am I alone in this?
Fwiw I am happily in love with my partner, but I manage to tell him to his face not plant it all over the Internet 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's interesting because - just as you don't think that poster sounds bitter and I do; you might think a person is "attention seeking" on FB whereas I might not. Again (as I've said previously on this thread), individual perception has a huge role here.

So your argument is people may look like they're bragging on SM but actually they are not because no one knows what bragging is because everyone's perception of it is different. Ok 👍🏼

One of the many reasons I hate facebook. I find it embarrassing that they feel the need to do it. I think its more forgivable if they are about 18, but couples in their 40s etc posting these pictures? They should be over all that 'look at me!' nonsense.

@dinglehopper1

I can't scroll back, too lazy & I don't have the premium thing.

Copied and pasted since you're "too lazy" to scroll back:

Validation is defined recognition of your feelings or sense of self as being worthwhile. Who doesn't want to feel this, in all honesty? We are social beings by nature - we seek social connection (part of which is about validation) and one such way of doing so is via SM. When you throw a party, do you choose not to have any guests because you don't need "validation" or interaction with others socially? No, of course you don't, you invite people because we're programmed towards seeking social connection as humans. If you invited people and no one showed up, would you care? Of course you would - it's invalidating of who you are as a person - it would send the message "no one cares or likes my company enough to come to my party". How is seeking a similar form of connection via SM any different? To me, that's the purpose SM serves - connection. I post when I'm seeking connection, I respond to others' posts when I'm seeking connection. That's normal. It's human.
The need for interaction and validation as human beings being framed as a negative thing - that's what is not normal.

My DH gets me coffee, makes me food, strokes my hair when I’m tired and is always running out to the shops to get bits and bits because I can never be asked. He kisses me and tells me how much he loves me multiple times a day. Yet we didn’t get each other one card or gift for Valentine’s Day. Because who are you doing Valentine’s Day for? If you’re loved every day the way you want to be loved, you don’t feel the need to make a big song and dance about it for one day of the year.

I just don’t get the soppy posts. It’s not for me and kinda cringe.

So that's a long winded way of saying yes?

and yet when it comes to offline life people manage just fine to identify when people are boasting.

But they don't. People disagree about other people all the time and make subjective judgements. Pig headed or determined? Rude or forthright? And online interactions follow a different code, since the medium is different. We do interact differently online. Think we would be having this conversation, us strangers, if we met in reality? Think OP would walk into a bar and invite everyone to join her in hating on Facebook BD posts?

sounds like you're still trying to pretend that bragging/being boastful is just people saying something nice with the wide eyed 'but who says what it is to boast

But who does say? It's a fair question. You are not the authority and clearly we don't all see the same thing because I'm disagreeing with you right now.

I'm absolutely sure that the stuff that's got you and others so very exercised isn't likely to be vastly different to the stuff I saw, and I didn't think it was untoward. Let me guess: the stuff you share online is absolutely fine?

The fact that a PP had to give me a completely impossible scenario to make this point does indicate that she knew she didn't have an objective truth on what's unacceptable. There's a reason she didn't make an example of what she really saw.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...

My "assumptions" are based on years of study and working in the field of human behaviour and psychology.

would you say it's healthy to seek validation through SM selfies?

@dinglehopper1

No, it's a way of explaining why the need for validation in social relationships isn't necessarily a negative thing and is in fact a normal driver for most of us (online and offline). There obviously comes a point where a person's self esteem is so tied up in what others think of them that it becomes unhealthy - I believe those people exist yes. But there's also such a thing as a healthy need for social validation (my example of someone feeling like shit if no one showed up to their birthday party, being an example).

@dinglehopper1

My "assumptions" are based on years of study and working in the field of human behaviour and psychology.

would you say it's healthy to seek validation through SM selfies?

Cross posted!
No, not always - see my latest post.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...

Do we?

There obviously comes a point where a person's self esteem is so tied up in what others think of them that it becomes unhealthy - I believe those people exist yes

Cool

@dinglehopper1

And I'd say seeking validation by posting selfies is particularly problematic in the younger generation (I have a teen daughter and I've seen first hand how it can be damaging to self esteem). But that's because the adolescent brain isn't fully developed and sense of self worth during adolescence is more heavily dependent on social connections and relationships than is the case for (most) psychologically healthy adults.

But for adults who are psychologically healthy generally speaking, posting online tends to be less about seeking the approval of others and having your entire identity and sense of self worth dependent on it, and more about social connection in a general sense.

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...l

So when I see Trump acting stupid what am I seeing?

A family member of mine was in a relationship for 6 years, with 2 children together. She was constantly posting gushing statuses about him, how he was her rock, her soul mate, she couldn't live without him, she thanked her lucky stars every day that she had met him. People would comment under her photos and posts about how envious they were of her perfect relationship, how they were a model couple etc etc. And her partner was always putting posts on about her too. Well it turns out they'd both cheated multiple times and the relationship was in fact very turbulent and toxic. They split up last year, now she's got a new boyfriend and has started putting lovey dovey statuses on about him all the time now 🙄

But for adults who are psychologically healthy generally speaking, posting online tends to be less about seeking the approval of others and having your entire identity and sense of self worth dependent on it, and more about social connection in a general sense.

Is there data to show that the adults who are using SM as above are the ones who psychologically healthy or unhealthy?

@dinglehopper1

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...l

So when I see Trump acting stupid what am I seeing?

🤣
You're seeing what you judge to be stupid behaviour, based on your own experiences and value judgements about human behaviour.
There will, however (believe it or not) be people who have had different experiences to yours who will perceive his behaviour differently.

We all interpret things through the lens of our own experiences, psychology, and value judgements.

who are

There will, however (believe it or not) be people who have had different experiences to yours who will perceive his behaviour differently.

I know that hence why those people were storming Capital Hill. I don't think it means I was wrong though.

I mean the general consensus was he did a stupid thing.

We all interpret things through the lens of our own experiences, psychology, and value judgements.

But lots of these are shaped by societal influences & what wider society deems acceptable in moral & ethical terms so there is often a general consensus.

Is there data to show that the adults who are using SM as above are the ones who psychologically healthy or unhealthy?

There is a wealth of data about the concept of validation in social psychology, and how as humans we are naturally driven towards it (This has been established since the 1940s by a social psychologist named Maslow, who developed a hierarchy of needs that all humans have - one of which is the need for human connection and belonging). Google Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A key part of social belonging, is to feel validated by others. If we talk to someone who we want to connect with, and they blank us, it feels invalidating. Human nature dictates that that doesn't feel very nice. That's all normal.

So the starting point is that the need for validation is not pathological - it's a basic human need. The need to "fit in" and be connected to others, in a reciprocal way. As I said previously, it can become unhealthy when a person is^^ unable to be happy at any other time, other than when they are receiving feedback and validation from others. But generally, in healthy people, it's just "normal" validation (as per Maslow's theory) that people are seeking.

So it would be a reasonable extrapolation from this that if you're coming from the starting point of being psychologically quite healthy, you'll use SM in a different way to what is being described on here (ie - as a way to connect rather than as a way to "show off", seek approval, because your relationship is shit... etc etc).

@dinglehopper1

We all interpret things through the lens of our own experiences, psychology, and value judgements.

But lots of these are shaped by societal influences & what wider society deems acceptable in moral & ethical terms so there is often a general consensus.

True - society plays an important role in shaping out values. But much of how we interpret others' behaviour (inc what they post online) is also inextricably linked to our own life experiences and emotional and psychological health at the time of being exposed to it - which varies vastly from person to person.

@dinglehopper1

If you're interested

www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html