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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilema

256 replies

Loveacoseynightin · 14/02/2021 12:07

Hi, I've got a bit of a moral dilema and asking the good folks of Mumsnet for their opinion on this.

I have 2 daughters who will be spending the half term week at their dads. I am in receipt of free school meals vouchers for them.

Should I give dad the vouchers or use them for my weekly shop?

AIBU to use them for the shop when I haven't got them?

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 15/02/2021 18:04

If the kids were with him full time they wouldn’t be entitled to vouchers. They are entitled because of your exceptionally low income. Use them to stock up the cupboards a bit.

Harmonypuss · 15/02/2021 18:05

Vouchers are provided to FEED THE CHILDREN, so wherever they are is where the vouchers should be.

Buybuybuy · 15/02/2021 18:08

Easter gifts...

Are a bit of a waste of money we’ve just had Christmas!

Labobo · 15/02/2021 18:12

Use common sense. The vouchers are to ensure the children get sufficient healthy food. If they will get that anyway at their father's, then stock up on healthy foods for their return. If you suspect he either can't or won't feed them properly, use the vouchers to send them to him with some healthy food they can eat while they are there. Or hand them to him if you trust him to spend them on his children.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 15/02/2021 18:20

£400 in maintenance is a lot! My ex only pays £50 a week, and has only paid that once since Christmas. So given that, in your shoes I’d keep the vouchers, and stock up on non perishables.
I don’t think there’s one right or wrong answer though; it really depends on the individual situation.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 15/02/2021 18:24

Keep them and stock up on essentials.

ArnoldBee · 15/02/2021 18:27

Give him half!

Viviennemary · 15/02/2021 18:28

If you are hard up keep them. If not give them to your ex.

BustopherPonsonbyJones · 15/02/2021 18:35

I think it is a bit dishonest to keep them when he is feeding the children this week. How about telling him you have the vouchers and asking him if you could use them to get some Easter treats (Easter eggs, cakes, a special meal) for the children and say they are from both of you? Might be nice for the children to see that too.

You should, perhaps, give the vouchers back to the powers that be if they are not needed but for one week, it’s probably not worth the hassle it would cause you later!

cherish123 · 15/02/2021 18:39

I can't believe you need to ask. Of course- give it to their dad. The vouchers are for your DC, not you.

altiara · 15/02/2021 18:39

Keep them. They’re awarded to you based on your financial situation.

senua · 15/02/2021 18:40

It looks like their father doesn't need the money. Either keep the value yourself or, if you really have a moral dilemma, donate the equivalent to a food bank.

hansgrueber · 15/02/2021 18:43

@Bluntness100

Does he need them? Rightfully they are for the kids lunch so he should have them, but if he can easily afford to feed them then use them for yourself. If not them give the, to him.
If the government were to use the same argument, does the mother really need them, all hell would break loose! Yet more MN hypocrisy. They go with the children, anything else is borderline fraudulent.
Mamapep · 15/02/2021 18:43

Whoever needs them most.

thedancingbear · 15/02/2021 18:48

This is fucking extraordinary. The vouchers are there to feed the kids. Therefore, they should go to whoever is feeding the kids.

I honestly can't believe that there is any other moral answer. Keeping them to feed herself/buy treats/whatever else is stealing from the mouths of her kids.

thedancingbear · 15/02/2021 18:49

@BillMasen

Interesting thread

Mums should always keep vouchers as they’re “for the kids” as dad is well off and doesn’t need them

Dads should always pay maintenance as it’s “for the kids” even if mum is well off and doesn’t need it

This. Exactly this.
MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 15/02/2021 18:51

If he doesn't need the vouchers then you should spend it on long-life food products that your kids can eat in the coming weeks (pasta, tins etc).

Amedgr8t · 15/02/2021 18:51

Nice stuff

Nanuki · 15/02/2021 18:52

No Moral Dilemma at all, just selfishness - why would you not give them to the Dad. They are to provide more food for the children.

2021mumma · 15/02/2021 19:06

The vouchers are to feed your children. Can you buy stuff and freeze it for them or double up the next week?

Bing765 · 15/02/2021 19:07

If you get along I would have a chat with him. If he doesn't want the voucher use some/ all of it towards cupboard staples - cereals, herbs, spices, pasta, rice, passata etc whatever you need to alleviate some pressure the other weeks.

nancywhitehead · 15/02/2021 19:09

I don't really follow how this is a dilemma.

The vouchers are for your daughters' meals so they pay for your daughters' meals. Obviously you send the vouchers to dad with them. They are not meant to benefit you in your weekly shop.

user234987653 · 15/02/2021 19:10

@Harmonypuss

Vouchers are provided to FEED THE CHILDREN, so wherever they are is where the vouchers should be.
No they are not provided to "FEED THE CHILDREN"

The number of dull understanding people on this thread is amazing.

Also children are not awarded free school meals.

Yes, the children eat the FSM but there are very few 6 year olds filling in benefit application forms.

Parent/parents are awarded free school meals for their children as part of state support because of low income. Awarded it so they don't have to pay for that specific thing.

The current vouchers are to reimburse said parent/parents, who normally receive FSM as part of their support package, for having to now pay for food that the state would be paying for if the bloody school was open.

The father would not be in receipt of such state support if the children lived with him so he does not get them.

You could argue that she should not spend them if the kids are not there if you're paticularly mean and spiteful but he is not entitled to them.

RhubarbTea · 15/02/2021 19:10

If he earns £2.5 a month I'd keep the vouchers and use them to buy longer life food (and treats) for the children. It's very useful to have store cupboard food just at the moment anyway, just in case you need to self isolate or whatever.

thedancingbear · 15/02/2021 19:18

The father would not be in receipt of such state support if the children lived with him so he does not get them.

But they are living with him, over half term?

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