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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilema

256 replies

Loveacoseynightin · 14/02/2021 12:07

Hi, I've got a bit of a moral dilema and asking the good folks of Mumsnet for their opinion on this.

I have 2 daughters who will be spending the half term week at their dads. I am in receipt of free school meals vouchers for them.

Should I give dad the vouchers or use them for my weekly shop?

AIBU to use them for the shop when I haven't got them?

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 15/02/2021 09:37

@StarCourt

To be eligible for FSM you have to have an earned income of less than £7400 nett per annum. That's the criteria. It's based purely on nett income. If the children's dad earns £2.5k per month he clearly does not meet this
Thats not correct, if you qualified in March 2018 you can continue to claim until March 2022 regardless of income and the tax credits limit was just over 16k (not including child benefit, maintenance and tax credit, other benefits).
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/02/2021 09:44

I think you should keep them and buy food for when your children return. If their dad isn't eligible for state help, that's because he earns above the threshold and is in a better position than you to feed the kids for a week.

NativityDreaming · 15/02/2021 09:47

Assuming the other parent has both children for up to 103 nights per year then £400 per month is correct for his salary.

Most people use the cms calculator even if they don’t use the service. It is the minimum a non resident parent should pay.

It doesn’t change anything, vouchers are issued to the person who qualifies for them and are not to be shared with anyone else.

Letsskidaddle · 15/02/2021 10:22

FSM are based on your income not as you presumably have them more?

Please keep them for food/whatever once the DC are back, unless you know he will struggle to feed them.

My ex-h would plead poverty when it came to CMS but the DC would come back from his lovely big house, having eaten out the entire time, he'd have bought them crazy expensive clothes etc (all lovely for them I know, but hard when I struggled to earn enough for food and bills). He wouldn't have needed the vouchers, whereas I did. If your situation is the same/similar keep them! And don't feel guilty either!

NailsNeedDoing · 15/02/2021 10:43

It doesn’t change anything, vouchers are issued to the person who qualifies for them and are not to be shared with anyone else.

If they aren’t to be shared with anyone else (which I’d agree with) then they shouldn’t be being spent on food for the OP when her children aren’t there.

They are only issued at all at the moment because if the pandemic, usually the child is given a meal directly. If the child doesn’t need that meal for whatever reason, then the government gets to save money by not having to fund that child’s lunch that day. It doesn’t automatically become free bonus money for a parent who doesn’t even have the child with her.

harknesswitch · 15/02/2021 10:59

If he's paying the correct amount and there's no history of him withholding money or help then I'd give them to him.

But if you're worried, why not go and buy a load of food for them, maybe favourites and then pop the shop round to their Dads for him to give to them

StarCourt · 15/02/2021 11:00

@NailsNeedDoing where has the OP said she'd be using the vouchers to fund stuff for herself?
As do many other PP have said she would no doubt use it to stock her cupboards and/or freezer with food for her kids upon their return. Or she can keep them for a week and use them when her kids are there.
Honestly the amount of awful responses on this thread.
The OP receives these vouchers because her income is deemed as low, not her ex husbands.
Let the kids dad provide their food for a week at his then chances are they can have a few extra treats when back at mums.
Vouchers can be used for nice treat type food too you know.

RaspberryCoulis · 15/02/2021 11:01

How is this a dilemma?

The vouchers are for the kids. They go to whoever is having the kids.

NailsNeedDoing · 15/02/2021 11:11

[quote StarCourt]@NailsNeedDoing where has the OP said she'd be using the vouchers to fund stuff for herself?
As do many other PP have said she would no doubt use it to stock her cupboards and/or freezer with food for her kids upon their return. Or she can keep them for a week and use them when her kids are there.
Honestly the amount of awful responses on this thread.
The OP receives these vouchers because her income is deemed as low, not her ex husbands.
Let the kids dad provide their food for a week at his then chances are they can have a few extra treats when back at mums.
Vouchers can be used for nice treat type food too you know. [/quote]
In her OP she asked if she should give them to the Dad or spend them on her weekly shop.

Not the weekly shop when the dc are back which she will presumably have more vouchers for, but this week, while they are not there.

Yes, the vouchers can be used on treats. But really, if you don’t need them to feel your child their nutritional meal a day they they would normally get in school, then it’s pretty disgusting to spend other peoples taxpayer money on treats.

The OP framed this as a moral dilemma. I honestly don’t see how it’s anything other than morally repugnant to spend money that is intended for nothing but healthy meals for children on anything but that.

It’s irrelevant whether the dcs father can afford it or not. Because of the op, the government has decided to give those children meals via vouchers. The vouchers need to follow the children, not the parent.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/02/2021 11:12

I think the govt can probably survive without the £30 they've allocated to feed the OP's children.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/02/2021 11:14

I think it's disgusting that the govt have spunked millions of pounds of taxpayer money on private contracts. I can live with the OP spending £30 on food, whether it feeds her or her dc

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/02/2021 11:16

How many people were happy to benefit from taxpayer money in the summer to finance their half price meals out?

Sorry to post 3 times in a row but some of the responses on this thread has made me really cross.

StarCourt · 15/02/2021 11:17

@NailsNeedDoing yes her weekly shop. Where she can buy food for her kids to eat when they are back with her. Or nicer nutritional food for them if you object to me saying treats!

Jacketpotato84 · 15/02/2021 11:19

As long as they are spent for food for the kids who cares who spends the vouchers? Why is this an issue? Has he stated he is struggling and asked for them? Has someone told you you ought to be giving the vouchers to the dad?
You are not being unreasonable to keep them and spend on a shop. Please dont worry about this

DFAMA · 15/02/2021 11:21

Has he mentioned struggling for money or having any issue with providing for them? If not keep the vouchers yourself, I assume some of it can be spent on freezer food for when they get back or carried over to a later date? If you think he will struggle to give them what they need give them to him

Palava57 · 15/02/2021 11:22

I would be concerned that the father wouldn’t use the vouchers so their value would be lost. Given that the DC would not get them if they lived with him I think you should use them to stock up including some treats you can’t usually afford.

The actual moral dilemma is for the father to consider if £400 is sufficient contribution for his DCs.

NailsNeedDoing · 15/02/2021 11:23

[quote StarCourt]@NailsNeedDoing yes her weekly shop. Where she can buy food for her kids to eat when they are back with her. Or nicer nutritional food for them if you object to me saying treats![/quote]
Come on, it’s clear from the OP that’s she’s asking if it’s ok to spend the vouchers on herself.

She said ‘AIBU to use them for the shop when I haven’t got them?’

She didn’t say ‘AIBU to use the vouchers for food for next week when my children are home?’

Sapho47 · 15/02/2021 11:26

@OscarWildesCat

Depends, I’d give them to him if he will struggle to feed them without, they are to feed your kids not yourself, however, if he’s living the life of Riley with plenty cash whilst you normally struggle, bugger him, buy your weekly shop and a couple of nice treats.
It's acceptable to steal from your children if the other parent is more successful than you?
StarCourt · 15/02/2021 11:29

@NailsNeedDoing is it? Your version isn't what I understand when reading the OP. She'd be doing the weekly shop anyway, nowhere does OP say she'd be using the vouchers on herself

Sapho47 · 15/02/2021 11:32

Actually wait these are free school meal vouchers.

So ask yourself, in normal times if the DC went on holiday with DF in term time would you feel entitled to walk into that school and say "I'm here for my free school meal"?

Or would that be a thread about the epic CF parent who went into school wanting the FSM their dc wouldn't be getting that week?

StarCourt · 15/02/2021 11:33

@Sapho47 that's hardly the same thing. These vouchers are sent out automatically

Mammyloveswine · 15/02/2021 11:34

How often does he have the kids? If he's having them all this week plus pays £400 a month maintenance I assume he has them at least every other weekend and once through the week? Has he been helpful with home schooling etc?

The vouchers are for the kids so really should be used primarily where they will be for this week.

But if things are quite amicable I'd ask your ex if he needs them or does he mind if you put them towards the food shop to stock up your cupboards and freezer in case you end up having to isolate. Frozen fruit and veg, tinned soups etc so that you are not worrying about fresh stuff! Especially as Tbf some of the fresh stuff in my supermarket has been questionable lately!!

Jacketpotato84 · 15/02/2021 11:40

Even so if the op didnt have the children this week and didnt eat the food she buys its still ok to use the vouchers for the shop unless the dad was particularly struggling to feed them. She may be struggling to feed herself this week and need to use them and can always make it up when she can. I would want to know who was more in need here. They are hers to use as she wishes and im sure as she has responsibility for the children and herself shes best suited to make this decision for her family.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 15/02/2021 11:43

If he earns £2,500 a month I would keep the vouchers.

ImaginaryCat · 15/02/2021 11:47

I'd offer them to him.
If he's a half decent human being and you have a reasonable relationship, he'll tell you to keep them.
If he's an arsehole who'll take them despite not needing them just to cause you problems, then he's probably the kind of arsehole who'll use the fact you kept them as a stick with which to beat you in future arguments, and you don't want to hand him ammunition on a plate.

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