Page 10 | Moral Dilema

Loveacoseynightin · 2021-02-14T12:07:59+00:00

Hi, I've got a bit of a moral dilema and asking the good folks of Mumsnet for their opinion on this. I have 2 daughters who will be spending the half term week at their dads. I am in receipt of free school meals vouchers for them. Should I give dad the vouchers or use them for my weekly shop? AIBU to use them for the shop when I haven't got them?

jentinquarantino20 · 15/02/2021 21:44

I personally would keep them for the kids when they get back as I don’t get maintenance but it depends on your personal circumstances and relationship with the dad

BogRollBOGOF · 15/02/2021 21:45

If the children are being well provided for this week, put them towards providing for them in the coming weeks. The children still benefit in the end.

overnightangel · 15/02/2021 21:46

@Bourbonbiccy

The vouchers are to feed the kids, of course you should offer them to the person doing that.

Exactly. By saying “I have a moral dilemma” the OP is really saying “I know this is wrong please exonerate me”

CJsGoldfish · 15/02/2021 21:54

Exactly. By saying “I have a moral dilemma” the OP is really saying “I know this is wrong please exonerate me”

Yep. I think we all know that the OP was never going to do anything else but spend them.

ALongHardWinter · 15/02/2021 21:59

Does he need them more than you do?

kowari · 15/02/2021 21:59

@CJsGoldfish

Exactly. By saying “I have a moral dilemma” the OP is really saying “I know this is wrong please exonerate me”

Yep. I think we all know that the OP was never going to do anything else but spend them.

They are intended to be spent. If she stocks up then the children benefit from more money left for fresh food. If she spends them on food for her this week then the children benefit from the money she saves.

Tals812 · 15/02/2021 22:08

Do what you'd expect him to do were the roles reversed.

Tianatiers · 15/02/2021 22:15

I'd give them to him if he's going to struggle to feed the children without. If he'll be fine then you keep them but stock up on food that will keep for when the children are with you after half term.

Idontlikecheesecake · 15/02/2021 22:32

He pays essentially £50 per child per week. Is that average? I don’t know as I don’t get child maintenance. But everyone is saying it’s decent, but I think it’s the going rate? Nothing above and beyond.

Also, he gets 2.5k a month. Is this before or after tax? Let’s assume it’s after tax, so he has £2100 to play with. This isn’t a lot in some areas of the country to pay mortgage/rent and other bills with. Does he have other children? Does he have a partner who works?

Without knowing all this information, I can’t make a judgement 🤷‍♀️

wishywashywoowoo70 · 15/02/2021 22:35

@MessAllOver

I'm amazed at some of these answers. The vouchers are to alleviate the food poverty the OP's children face while in her care because she is an extremely low earner. There is no reason why they should face food poverty in their father's care when he earns the amount he does (unless his financial management skills are truly terrible). Whereas one unexpected bill or cost could put the OP in a position where she doesn't have enough money to feed the children. So, even if the food isn't immediately needed, she should keep the vouchers to offset the possibility of her children not having enough to eat in the future. What if she hands over the vouchers and then the heating bills are unusually high due to the cold weather, so there's not enough money for food in a few weeks' time?

This. This and again this.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/02/2021 22:39

YANBU. I would keep the vouchers and spend them on stocking up the cupboards and freezer for when your dc return. Even if they don't consume 100% of that food, they will benefit indirectly because there will be more money in the household pot for other necessities like new shoes and heating. Being able to stock up also means economies of scale, so your money will go further if you can buy quantities of food in one go.

Postmysecret · 15/02/2021 22:40

I would keep the vouchers to buy food staples for when they are at home with you, pasta, frozen stuff/veg etc, non-perishable snacks etc

CherryBlossomTree7 · 15/02/2021 22:46

The vouchers are for you to buy food for your children and are given to you because of your financial situation, not your ex partner's. Definitely use them to stock up the cupboards/freezer.

CutePixie · 15/02/2021 23:13

@LadyCatStark

There’s no dilemma here, the vouchers are for the children to feed them over half term. If you are not feeding them over half term, either give them to the person who is or don’t claim them.

I agree. The vouchers belong to your DC.

CutePixie · 15/02/2021 23:15

Also you say he earns £2.5k a month. Take away tax, national insurance, child support, mortgage/rent, utilities etc... what does he have left at the end of that? He has his DC for the half term and the vouchers are for your DC.

dramaticpenguin · 15/02/2021 23:36

slight hijack but I'm a childminder and we have been sent the money to get the parents entitled to the vouchers gift cards from their preferred supermarkets and give them out. I feel like that's a weird way to do it and it feels a bit uncomfortable, but did the same at Christmas so, OK. However, I offer childcare all year round and all 3 of the kids entitled come all year round, so as such, they are with me for 3 out of 5 lunches anyway! seems a bit daft. not to mention the fact that its £30 to feed a toddler 5 lunches, even the parents are a bit surprised its so generous. I don't begrudge anyone the money but if that's specifically what its for and nothing else, why so much??

Sapho47 · 16/02/2021 01:01

[quote StarCourt]@Sapho47 that's hardly the same thing. These vouchers are sent out automatically [/quote]
Thats the point

Government program to provide food to kids its directly provided in person to the child all good

Its provided indirectly via the parent and suddenly someone other than the child getting it is "not the same thing"

Sapho47 · 16/02/2021 01:04

@MessAllOver

I'm amazed at some of these answers. The vouchers are to alleviate the food poverty the OP's children face while in her care because she is an extremely low earner. There is no reason why they should face food poverty in their father's care when he earns the amount he does (unless his financial management skills are truly terrible). Whereas one unexpected bill or cost could put the OP in a position where she doesn't have enough money to feed the children. So, even if the food isn't immediately needed, she should keep the vouchers to offset the possibility of her children not having enough to eat in the future. What if she hands over the vouchers and then the heating bills are unusually high due to the cold weather, so there's not enough money for food in a few weeks' time?

So when the kids are in school but staying with thier dad they don't get thier school dinner?

That must be a nightmare to organise and administrate!

Sapho47 · 16/02/2021 01:12

@thedancingbear

This is fucking extraordinary. The vouchers are there to feed the kids. Therefore, they should go to whoever is feeding the kids.

I honestly can't believe that there is any other moral answer. Keeping them to feed herself/buy treats/whatever else is stealing from the mouths of her kids.

I think this thread shows why the free school meals program exists and why child benefit isn't just an extra 120 a month...

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/02/2021 01:13

Offer the vouchers to your ex, if he does not need or want them then stock up the cupboards ready for when the children come home.

Rache49 · 16/02/2021 05:59

They are for your children, not for you to use for you. Give them to the Dad regardless of his financial status as the Vouchers are to provide your children with food, not you.

Devora13 · 16/02/2021 09:05

Looking through the replies it appears 50/50.

What is a fair maintenance payment? My ex pays 400 a month for maintenance. He is aware the girls qualify for free school meals.

I know he earns about 2.5k a month but have no idea what his finances are like.

Keep to them. Frankly, whatever his financial commitments, £400 a month isn't a fortune for one child, never mind more than one.

52andblue · 16/02/2021 09:30

@CherryBlossomTree7

The vouchers are for you to buy food for your children and are given to you because of your financial situation, not your ex partner's. Definitely use them to stock up the cupboards/freezer.

That is what I did. (slightly easier 'decision' as he had them for a few days and gives zero maintenance - this way I knew that there would be enough decent nutritious food left for the children at the end of the month even if I was on plain pasta/soup for a week or so. And its been a really cold spell so it also meant I could turn the heating up a wee bit when they were at home all day so that 'heat vs eat' decision was less pressing)

looseddaughter · 16/02/2021 10:01

This is one nasty thread with some extraordinarily stupid people on it, or at least people who are so blinded by their resentment towards people who are in receipt of benefits of any kind that they are unable to think straight.

The resident parent pretty much always spends way more than the non rp as a proportion of their income on the dc, and certainly will in cases like this where the rp's income is low. The amount of concern about the man who 'may be struggling' is shocking. He pays just under the 20% CM, though in reality it may be 20% as the OP's figure of £2500 for his income may have been an approximation. I'll bet everything I've got the OP spends more than 20% of her income on the dc and, as a tax-payer, as so many on here grandly describe themselves, I would prefer to see the money stay with the parent whose low income has created the entitlement rather than going off to some bloke who then is subsidised for having his own kids. OP can spend the money on food for when they come back.

And, to the poster who kept desperately trying to make this about men's right not to support their own kids if the mother is 'wealthy', I would certainly say the same if the sexes of the parent were reversed.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 16/02/2021 10:08

It sounds like the kids receiving free school meals is based on your income? You are the person receiving them so I wouldn't worry about it. Use it to stock up while they're away - he probably wouldn't use them anyway if he isn't used to how it works.