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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilema

256 replies

Loveacoseynightin · 14/02/2021 12:07

Hi, I've got a bit of a moral dilema and asking the good folks of Mumsnet for their opinion on this.

I have 2 daughters who will be spending the half term week at their dads. I am in receipt of free school meals vouchers for them.

Should I give dad the vouchers or use them for my weekly shop?

AIBU to use them for the shop when I haven't got them?

OP posts:
TinyCake · 14/02/2021 16:17

I'd keep them unless he would qualify for them. You could stock up or get extra nice lunches for the next couple if weeks.

kowari · 14/02/2021 16:17

I know he earns about 2.5k a month but have no idea what his finances are like. Keep the vouchers. Stock up on essentials if needed. Or use them to free up money to treat the children. They should be the ones to benefit from them.

LazyDaisy22 · 14/02/2021 16:25

If he earns 2.5k per month I’m sure he can afford to feed the children. Keep the vouchers. You qualify for them based on your income so they’re your vouchers.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 16:31

@LazyDaisy22

If he earns 2.5k per month I’m sure he can afford to feed the children. Keep the vouchers. You qualify for them based on your income so they’re your vouchers.
Depends what his other outgoings are. £400 for maintenance, and then mortgage etc, OP says they don't know what his finances are like. The only way to find out is to offer the vouchers.
MummytoCSJH · 14/02/2021 16:36

If it works how it works near me you will get a voucher for each child - if you can (and I mean without scrimping in future weeks) afford it I'd just give him 1 of the vouchers for the sake of fairness and to prevent any dilemma or bother.

LadyCatStark · 14/02/2021 17:04

There’s no dilemma here, the vouchers are for the children to feed them over half term. If you are not feeding them over half term, either give them to the person who is or don’t claim them.

TingTastic · 14/02/2021 17:06

@LadyCatStark

There’s no dilemma here, the vouchers are for the children to feed them over half term. If you are not feeding them over half term, either give them to the person who is or don’t claim them.
This
HarrysWife · 14/02/2021 17:24

I would give them to him. Technically they are for the children so should go with the children. Thats how I would want to be treated if I were him. If you wanted to sound him out you could text and ask if he wants the "free school meals vouchers" for his shopping for their lunches? Hes less likely to take that than if you wave them at him and have them in your hand.

VettiyaIruken · 14/02/2021 17:29

The meals are for them so the vouchers should go to whoever is feeding them that week.

Groovinpeanut · 14/02/2021 17:32

If they've gone to Dad's for half term, and he's better off financially and likely to spoil and buy treats for them then it's unlikely he'll need them.
If he does struggle financially then it would be fair to give them. How you'd do this I'm unsure as aren't they sent electronically to you?
It is also reasonable that you get ahead and stock up on pasta, frozen foods, sauces and cereals so you're stocked up for when the kids are back home with you.

MotherExtraordinaire · 14/02/2021 18:55

@Loveacoseynightin

Looking through the replies it appears 50/50.

What is a fair maintenance payment? My ex pays 400 a month for maintenance. He is aware the girls qualify for free school meals.

I know he earns about 2.5k a month but have no idea what his finances are like.

The vouchers are awarded based on your substantially lower income.

Personally, I think given he's on 2.5k,that he isn't in need of the vouchers, where as an additional £30 on top of your vouchers next week will be better used by you... Even if its towards Easter gifts...

AliceinBunniland · 14/02/2021 18:57

There is a CSM calculator on which you can work out what the minimum payment should be

But the vouchers are to ensure the children get fed so I would suggest ask if he needs them and if so give them to him

Blacktothepink · 14/02/2021 18:59

£2.5k! Keep them...I’d use them for stocking up my store cupboard.

ivfbeenbusy · 14/02/2021 19:02

£2.5k isn't a lot when he's paying you nearly 20% of it

It's cheeky to keep them and highly doubt it will be spent on store cupboard essentials of any kind if you did keep them

Scottishskifun · 14/02/2021 19:02

I was going to say should be used for the kids but given his monthly income he can definitely afford to feed them for the week so use it for shopping and stock up your cupboards for when they come back!

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 19:20

Curious as to how everyone knows his finances and what he does with his salary each month after the £400 is taken out! Confused

BillMasen · 14/02/2021 19:27

@Dee1975

But confused where the dilemma is? The vouchers are for the children’s lunch’s over half term to replace a lunch they would normally receive in school. So they go to whoever is feeding the children. Or am I missing something here?
You’re m be issing that the man has to be in the wrong so there must be a reason that isn’t the case here. Must be...
BillMasen · 14/02/2021 19:28

Missing

kowari · 14/02/2021 19:34

@ivfbeenbusy

£2.5k isn't a lot when he's paying you nearly 20% of it

It's cheeky to keep them and highly doubt it will be spent on store cupboard essentials of any kind if you did keep them

Have you lived on a low income (FSM low) with children? If I had had an extra £30 when we were poor then I would have carefully spent 90% of it on store cupboard essentials to give us some much needed breathing room with the weekly shop, then spent about £3 on a treat.
ConsuelaHammock · 14/02/2021 19:38

Ask him ?

Sally872 · 14/02/2021 20:04

If the dc lived with dad they wouldn't qualify for vouchers.

Unless you think he will be struggling so the children would benefit I would say keep them.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 20:07

@Sally872

If the dc lived with dad they wouldn't qualify for vouchers.

Unless you think he will be struggling so the children would benefit I would say keep them.

If the dc lived with dad they wouldn't qualify for vouchers

Applying that logic then nobody needs the vouchers for the week they are there. If Dad can afford to feed them and Mum doesn't need to...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2021 20:11

I’d stock up on store cupboard stuff and maybe get in some Easter eggs. That will benefit the children more than giving it to dad who is not likely to really need it.

Bourbonbiccy · 14/02/2021 20:15

The vouchers are to feed the kids, of course you should offer them to the person doing that.

NailsNeedDoing · 14/02/2021 21:54

@Sally872

If the dc lived with dad they wouldn't qualify for vouchers.

Unless you think he will be struggling so the children would benefit I would say keep them.

Maybe not, but the school wouldn’t present him with a bill for the schools dinners his children eat on the nights they stay with him.

The man pays decent maintenance and clearly cares for his children. It’s likely that he wouldn’t accept the vouchers if they were offered to him. His finances are irrelevant, the decent/moral thing to do is to offer him the vouchers.

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