To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

[Ohalrightthen]

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

My sister was 17 when she met her first husband. He was 36. She ran away from home and married him as soon as she turned 18.
She divorced him at 21 when she found his court papers of his previous convictions of rape of a 15 year old child. He had only served 18 months. She was completely unaware.
She married her current husband at 23 when he was 35. He is a decent man and she is now 45...

I was still living at home at 19... Wasn't allowed to move out, still had a curfew, had to account to my parents for my whereabouts, couldn't wear anything revealing, etc etc.

On the surface, that's what they saw, but in reality I was definitely not a naive, innocent 19 year old and knew exactly what I was doing behind their back.

Just because she's still living at home and answering to her parents, does not mean that she's innocent and has been taken advantage of...

I had a colleague age 32 who was going out with a 22 year old. HE worried quite a bit about whether she was too young for him, was it weird. She was a graduate nurse with a job, living in London, they had lots in common. He was great guy (as a colleague and manager, and for general socialising) so I think him having those concerns reflected his - from what I could see - really good boundaries, respect and attitudes to women.
In the situation you describe either it's weird, power imbalance etc OR he is really immature himself (and that's not great either is it at 29!).

It was none of your business, then or now.

YABU

@ohalrightthen you didn't explain it well. If you don't like his actions then you need to decide whether it's ok or not with you. Not us. HTH.

mmm, well a 9-10 year age gap is significant when you are 19. At 28 I had a mortgage, got married and had a child, at 19 although I thought at the time I was grown up but really I wasnt, when I was 20 I did had a brief fling with a 28 year old colleague, we clicked, it was exciting and the sex was great, however I found out later he was living with his girlfriend which was a shock, he did mention a girlfriend who he didnt get on and inferred they were about to split and as a naïve 20 year old I assumed it was a casual short term relationship because that was my only experience of relationships at that point, it never occurred to me it would be different for him and he was practically married! So I wasnt innocent but I was naive. I think if at 28 you are dating teenagers it does sound predator ish,
I didnt have a curfew at 19 but did say if I was going out and when I would be home, I think thats normal if you share a house. time you will be home.

Yeah this is creepy. A 19 year old is barely an adult. A 28 year old has been an adult for a decade.

A 19 year old is barely an adult

That's a bit patronising to some 19 year olds IMO. I have known some 19 year olds to be more 'adult' than some 28 year olds. I don't think you can generalise like that.

If my nearly 19 year old started seeing a 28 year old we would definitely freak out, but then we’re young parents, mid 30’s ourselves. She went to a festival pre covid and in her words ‘old men’ (late 20’s - 30 ish) were trying to chat her and her friends up, the girls said it was weird and made them feel really uncomfortable. Makes my skin crawl how creepy some blokes can be.

Hmm there's 9 years between me and DH. It has never been an issue.
I was 21 when we met, my parents liked him from the very first meeting. been together 30 years now.

@Serin

Hmm there's 9 years between me and DH. It has never been an issue. I was 21 when we met, my parents liked him from the very first meeting. been together 30 years now.

Oh come on, you’re 50+. In the kindest way possible your experience of being a 19 year old is outdated and irrelevant. 19 year olds in 2021 are different than 19 year olds from 30 years ago. 30 years ago, a female getting married at that age was normal and large age gaps were more common. Times have changed.

I personally don't find that weird. I dated a 28 year old when I was 19 and he was a perfectly nice guy, we got on great. I then went on to date a 20 year old and found him to be very childish. Girls do mature a lot faster, so even if you think she was immature she was probably about right for him emotionally.

Nothing wrong with you giving your opinion when asked directly though.

Yes you’re wrong.

I find it quite funny how many of my friends now they're middle aged find age gaps; disgusting ,perverted, should be illegal etc, but seem to forget the near 30 year old boyfriends they had in thier teens

19 is an adult

It wasn't so long ago, historically, that this would be quite normal, especially in the 'higher' social classes. Hence the tradition of giving the bride away (father passing the young woman into her husband's care).
Okay, we may have moved in somewhat from women being chattels, but it is still far from unusual in other cultures.
I was 15 when I started dated ex fiancé, he was 21. Still living at home, as when I met my ex husband who was 33 and I was 22.
Legally they are both adults. Unless she had some kind of learning disability that made her emotionally/socially much younger than her chronological age, I'd say it was their business and you're being very judgy.

You sure he’s just “a friend” sound like there are deeper feelings there on your part?...

What are you looking for strangers to say about some people they don't even know? It's impossible to judge, as we only have your interpretation of someone else's relationship. If you don't like him, stop being his friend. If you do, then why are you posting about him on the Internet?

That would raise alarm bells with me, especiallyn if I was the girls parent.

I don't know why you think you have the right to judge. What makes you right and him wrong? Why is it any of your business? Every case is individual and it's more important to support people who need and want it than stick your nose in where it's not wanted,

It's very patronising to suggest that a woman of 19 is incapable of making decisions about the age of her partner. Not all 19 year olds are naive, sheltered, just off to uni or whatever the MN stereotype is.
Given all the concern about older men controlling young women, it's a bit hypocritical for other women to think that instead they know what's best for them.

I was 21 when I met my husband, he was 29. When we got married I had just turned 22, he was 30.
I first met my husband end of April 2014.
We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect. Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all.

You are very patronising and judgemental. I met my DH at 19 he was quite a bit older. We are still together 25 years later. Some 19 year olds know exactly what they are doing. Some friend you are.