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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

228 replies

Ohalrightthen · 14/02/2021 08:50

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

OP posts:

Lalliella · 14/02/2021 10:43

@TatianaBis

It attests to a controlling father.

It attests to a teen who is not mature or strong enough to stand up to her father. If she can’t stand up to her own father she may well not be able to stand up to her bf either.

Nobody can control you if you don’t let them.

Nice bit of victim blaming there. I’m sure everyone subject to coercive control will be pleased to know it’s their fault.

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 10:46

You are an hypocrite
and very judgemental

You ridiculously over-estimate the maturity you think you had because of a "job"

Why are you so over-invested? Yes, 19-20 year old can date "older" men in their mid 20s to 30s. So what if they both want the same thing?

Some have no interest into a full on, long term, heavy relationship, don't want commitment, and a 30 year old man is more interesting than a 19 year old teenage boy. Get over it.

Others just fall in love.

Who cares? Are you regretting settling down too young?

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 10:46

@TatianaBis

It attests to a controlling father.

It attests to a teen who is not mature or strong enough to stand up to her father. If she can’t stand up to her own father she may well not be able to stand up to her bf either.

Nobody can control you if you don’t let them.

What a load of bollocks.

How insulting to anyone who has ever had a controlling relationship with their parents or a partner.

It's nowhere near as simple as that. Especially for someone who is potentially at college or uni and in a position where they have to toe the line to keep their accommodation.

Livelovebehappy · 14/02/2021 10:47

I don’t get why people get invested in this type of stuff. Maybe lockdown is making us giving headspace to things that we wouldn’t normally give a thought to. It was something that happened years ago, so is done. I think that it depends on how mature each party is - she may have been not as world wise, but can still be very mature mentally. Your friend might have had a less mature mindset than his age suggests, so they may have been compatible. Women on the whole are more mature, at a younger age, than men.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2021 10:58

I think it's about OP's relationship with her friend. She thought he'd 'grown up' and come round to her world view but she's discovered he hasn't.

I suspect she casually said 'remember that fling you had with the 19yo, that was a bit creepy wasn't it', expecting him to laugh and agree. Instead he said 'what do you mean? It was fine' and she's a bit shaken by that, because it turns out she's been friends with someone who is that creepy and immature (as she sees it) in a really fundamental way.

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2021 10:58

She was 19, a grown adult. A young one, but still a grown adult.

No wonder she had no life experience. Her father thought he owned her! How can she possibly make decisions about her own life and branch out in to the world if her father treats her that? Parents like that (Especially men with their daughters) cause their children to live sheltered lives.

She met someone she liked, and she had to finish it because he father found out. How is that fair?? It’s not the 28 year old who is in the wrong here. It’s the father.

Why are young women not allowed to think for themselves?

I met my ex when I was 19 and he was 25. I didn’t have much life experience either. I was working and seeing friends and that was about it. Yes he wasn’t the right man for me in the end, but my dad didn’t treat me like a little girl thinking he had control over me. I made my own decisions about who I dated. I even fell pregnant with this man’s baby when I was 20. I got no lectures and nobody called my ex a predator etc...

Standrewsschool · 14/02/2021 11:00

If she was that restricted, she probably liked the allure of this older man, to give her some life experience.

Brefugee · 14/02/2021 11:01

what does she say now?

babbaloushka · 14/02/2021 11:01

I think it's weird.

user1471565182 · 14/02/2021 11:02

Every single fucking person ever on mumsnet ''owned 3 houses and was CO of a multinational with 8 husbands by the time I was 17''

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 11:10

@Bluntness100

What an odd thread. When I was 17 I was dating a bloke this age. I lived at home. I was not some child being taken advantage of.

How well did you even know this woman? Stop being so judgey. It’s none of your business. She’s 19. Not a child.

Oh true! I was seeing (sorta kinda) a 30 year old man when I was 18. ‘‘Twas fun for a bit and we moved on. I most certainly wasn’t being taken advantage of either. I was at uni though but I don’t think that made me anymore worldly wise than I was anyway.

Leakyradiator · 14/02/2021 11:11

What’s it got to do with you?? I think back to 19.... I lived at home but wouldn’t have thought twice about dating someone only 28. It’s all relative I guess....

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 11:13

@lottiegarbanzo

I think it's about OP's relationship with her friend. She thought he'd 'grown up' and come round to her world view but she's discovered he hasn't.

or simply because she has been called out on being ridiculous and judgemental.

and an hypocrite!

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 11:15

OP, you know that cringey #makingmemories people use about their own kids?

That's what most 19 year old do.. they make memories, sometimes with "older" men. It's a shame you missed that bit, uni, travel, 30 year old boyfriends and flings

Don't resent others who did!

Whatisthisfuckery · 14/02/2021 11:18

Yes. do find this creepy. The parents are also creepy and responsible for making the girl much more vulnerable. At 19 she should be an independent woman, learning how to navigate work, life, relationships etc, but instead her parents are treating her life a child. They are preventing her from developing the skills she needs in order to keep herself safe, and in turn she is easy meat for sweet talking much older men. I’m not necessarily saying the OPs friend is a problem in himself, although I always look askance at men in their late 20s who want to go out with teenagers, but a girl who has been controlled like that will think control is normal, and to a large extent familiar and comforting, so she will be easy prey to another daddy figure who wants to control her.

OP your male friend will have been considered creepy by a number of people when he was seeing a 19 year old. I think your situation with your H is slightly less clear cut btw. Your friend though, if he doesn’t want to be seen as a creep taking advantage of much younger less experienced girls, tell him he needs to stop going after much younger less experienced girls, because any adult who doesn’t have a vested interest in dick pandering or excusing men their predatory behaviour will think he’s a nasty grubby creep.

Hadjab · 14/02/2021 11:32

YABU for using ‘kinda’ and ‘sorta’.

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 11:49

@Lalliella

Nice bit of victim blaming there. I’m sure everyone subject to coercive control will be pleased to know it’s their fault.

Wild leap from controlling to 'coercive control'. There is no suggestion that the father is a domestic abuser.

Many parents are controlling without being abusive. Their offspring need to learn to stand up to them.

Far too many women are bad at asserting themselves, avoid confrontation and people-please.

At 19 she was free to leave, she could potentially have moved in with her bf if she'd wanted to. She chose to end the relationship instead.

Blindstupid · 14/02/2021 11:50

My ds was 24 and dated an 18 year old (a girl we knew). Even that to me was very weird and I didn’t like it one bit. He’d been to uni and lived away, then was working in a good professional field. She was (in my eyes) an immature but very streetwise girl who left school and never worked. I’d never liked the girl which made it worse, but I couldn’t intervene, it was up to them

What I didn’t like about the situation was that I felt my ds was worlds apart from her in maturity, life experience, friends circles etc ... I didn’t feel there was a power imbalance as my son just wasn’t like that, but whereas he was living a serious, professional daytime life, she was still hanging out with mates, chatting youngly on sm etc (as she should given her young age). It just didn’t sit right with me. It felt very weird and off.

I can definitely see the difference between an age gap when you’ve both had life experience, and an age gap where one is older and lived, and the other is still young and immature/no life experience other than school.

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 11:56

@JustLyra

Many people have controlling parents. You have to learn to stand up to them and cut the ties if necessary.

Anyone at the age of 19 can leave home if they're not happy with the set up.

Insert1x20p · 14/02/2021 11:56

Well a 9 year gap is almost twice a 5 year gap so the two situations are not comparable, whatever the circumstances of either. I also think the absolute age gap has different connotations depending on the age of the two people. Tbh, when I was 28, yes I would have slightly judged a 28 year old friend who was dating a 19 year old, whereas a 40 year old dating a 50 year old wouldn't have made me blink - possibly it's a "% more life experience" thing. I've just seen too many "age gap" relationships where the younger partner is basically playing grown ups and the older partner is enjoying being impressive simply by virtue of being older and having the bog standard trappings of that (house , car, etc).

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 11:56

[quote TatianaBis]@JustLyra

Many people have controlling parents. You have to learn to stand up to them and cut the ties if necessary.

Anyone at the age of 19 can leave home if they're not happy with the set up.[/quote]
You are being disingenuous, and frankly insulting, to suggest that it’s remotely that simple.

Nnameechanged · 14/02/2021 12:09

I'm so glad my friends and family didn't judge based on an age gap alone. It's a shame that so many would.

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 12:10

@JustLyra

No I am not. If anything is disingenuous and insulting it's the idea that at 19 someone cannot stand on their own two feet. Some people leave home at 16.

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 12:13

[quote TatianaBis]@JustLyra

No I am not. If anything is disingenuous and insulting it's the idea that at 19 someone cannot stand on their own two feet. Some people leave home at 16.[/quote]
Some people do. Some people don't.

It's insulting to suggest that, as you've suggested multiple times, it's easy to leave a controlling home.

supersop60 · 14/02/2021 12:14

Maturity is a very individual thing isn't it?
My DD, 20, working, living at home, is a good deal more mature than her cousin 23, not working, living at home.

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