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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

228 replies

Ohalrightthen · 14/02/2021 08:50

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

OP posts:

Mummadeze · 14/02/2021 09:21

When I was in my late 20s I dated a guy very briefly who was 19 or 20 who still lived at home. I met him on holiday so didn’t realise he still lived with his parents. I went out with him a couple of times back home and felt uncomfortable because he seemed really immature and our age gap was v noticeable. But no one has done anything wrong here per se.

Bollss · 14/02/2021 09:24

Yes you're being overly judgemental. You clearly know nothing about this girl so how you can come to any conclusion I don't know

If anyone's in the wrong it's her parents and you not her or the bf.

TheJerkStore · 14/02/2021 09:25

I'm more concerned about her relationship with her dad...... breaking up with people because her dad found out and still having a curfew at 19 isn't normal.

thecatfromjapan · 14/02/2021 09:25

Greendoonan 💐
That's a deep and thoughtful post.
At the risk of being superficial, I'd like to wish you a really secure, successful and happy life going forwards into your future.

Swingometer · 14/02/2021 09:26

Learning difficulties etc aside, a 19yo woman should be allowed to make her own decisions about who she wants to date/ sleep with. Regardless of whether she still lives with her parents etc

The relationship didn't work out for whatever reason anyway so the fact you are still using it as a reason to berate your friend does sound very judgey

Some people are still naive at 25, does that mean they aren't allowed to form relationships?

Bugslydoo · 14/02/2021 09:26

I lived at home when I started dating my boyfriend, I was 17 and he was 27. Still together and married with kids now 21 years later

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 14/02/2021 09:28

I think the girl's age is a red herring, as you say OP, it sounds like her emotional maturity was low (child like?) and for this reason I don't think YABU.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 09:28

@Swingometer

Learning difficulties etc aside, a 19yo woman should be allowed to make her own decisions about who she wants to date/ sleep with. Regardless of whether she still lives with her parents etc

The relationship didn't work out for whatever reason anyway so the fact you are still using it as a reason to berate your friend does sound very judgey

Some people are still naive at 25, does that mean they aren't allowed to form relationships?

Did she have learning difficulties?

Some people are naive and immature their whole lives.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 09:29

Oh sorry, I think you were talking broadly about learning difficulties, not specifically about the OP's story.

Nith · 14/02/2021 09:29

Really? If you've just left school, never had a job, and are still completely reliant on your parents, surely your life experience is not comparable to someone who has been completely practically and financially independent for a couple of years?

If the woman was that vulnerable, she was vulnerable to anyone, not just someone 9 years older. If anything, she was probably better off with a slightly older bloke than someone of her own age.

There was a 9 year gap between my parents, they were very happily married for 60 years.

Cccc1111 · 14/02/2021 09:32

How about you keep your beak out of other people’s lives, and concentrate on your own. Also you’re the weird one for arguing with someone about something they did in the past, that didn’t even affect your life! And from your original post your friend also doesn’t seem to have had a problem with, that you would need to give him unsolicited unwanted advice on. Stop being an interfering busybody.

Rhiannon13 · 14/02/2021 09:34

I'd be more concerned about the controlling parents.

It doesn't really matter if you 'approve' or not does it OP? This kind of thing goes on all the time and presumably suited them? Isn't this what most a lot of men aspire to, especially if they're married or in a long-term relationship?

Not saying it's ideal, but the woman was 19 not 14. The fact she was living at home is irrelevant and she was old enough to make her own choices. It's how we gain experience after all.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/02/2021 09:36

YABU
I was 19 when I met my then 28yo DH. We married when I was 20 and he 29. The not having left home means fuck all because it depends on your home life, I had been responsible for a raising six young siblings since I was 10. Doing all the wife work as my mother was mentally ill but refused to see a doctor about it because she didn’t trust western medicine. The youngest three even called me “mama” as when they were tiny they thought u was their mother until they got older and then they carried on as it was habit.
In addition, even though he was chronologically older, my DH was only average maturity for a man, which isn’t very mature but by then was equal to my level of maturity. I know that’s a bit sexist of me but I do think that women mature faster than men because the consequences of our choices are much more severe and long lasting. A man fathers a baby on a girlfriend and his life doesn’t change much. A teen gets pregnant and her life changes for ever. Regardless of whether she keeps the baby or has to face an abortion.

PeggyHill · 14/02/2021 09:39

If he's so awful then why is he your best mate?

FlyNow · 14/02/2021 09:39

Hmm I think you are both bu.

Yes, I would also roll my eyes hearing about this relationship and think it was a little wrong.

However you did the exact same thing. In your mind it's fine because you were mature, well that's probably what the ex thinks about herself as well.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 09:40

On the whole have retrospective arguments is a massive waste of time.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 09:41

*having

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 09:41

It just made me feel really uncomfortable. He had a full decade of life experience on her, and she seemed very naive. I don't think age gap relationships are all inappropriate, but this one seemed dodgy to me. Especially because of his history with women his own age, who generally saw straight through his poor boundaries and small collection of red flags.

So in post one he just hadn’t had much success with women his own age. A couple of posts in, we’ve moved up to ‘red flags’ and problems with boundaries. Seems like a odd choice for a long-term friend. Are you portraying him as a little darker now because you didn’t get quite the response you wanted?

It seems to me that what you’re really annoyed about is him pointing out that the age gap between you and your partner wasn’t that different. You’re huffily responding that of course it was, because you were oh-so independent and mature. Newsflash - the 19/20 year-old who thinks, or actively accepts, that they are immature does not exist.

Chickychickydodah · 14/02/2021 09:43

She was 19 !!!
She could have legally married the guy .

whoseafraidofnaomiwolf · 14/02/2021 09:45

The age difference per se is not an issue - 9/10yrs is neither here nor there in a meeting of equals, but from your description it wasn't a meeting of equals... or was it?

Your issue seems to be that she was very immature and naive, compared to your far more worldly friend, and so your perception. is that he was taking advantage of this for his own ends?

However might the case be that she was also taking advantage of him for HER own ends. She sounds like she was somewhat trapped in a highly controlling family environment - maybe by meeting up and having sex with your friend she was taking what steps she could to gain the 'life experience' you claim she didn't have and start herself on the road to independence?

Your friend too, with his 'small collection of red flags' doesn't sound as though he has much in the way of emotional maturity so maybe these two and their brief fling met each other's needs in a way that you are not seeing or understanding?

Either way it's not really for you to judge - we are all 'weird' in our own way at times. YABU for being narrow minded, and you could stand being a better friend I think.

Nnameechanged · 14/02/2021 09:45

I've name changed since this is quite specific, as I met my partner with the exact same age gap (I'm older). And he still lived at home, but his parents, nor mine, never had an issue with us and he had a job (and others before).
I don't think the age gap alone makes it creepy, no. Almost 5 years later we have 2 children and own a house together, neither is immature but I would definitely say he is more mature than me.
My ex was a year older than me, and literally couldn't support himself, and I mean literally having tantrums and screaming at me because every month he'd spend his sizeable wage on rubbish and leave no money for food, and I'd refuse to buy his luxuries for him.

NotFabulousDarling · 14/02/2021 09:45

it lasted a handful of months.
Then move on and get over it. He saw sense and corrected himself, you don't need to keep going on about it.

I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent
Bully for you. Everyone should have something nice. But there's no sense eating your young over your own trials by fire. Just because someone else wasn't building their own house to live in at 11 doesn't mean their life choices are invalid or that they aren't deserving of the courtesy of you staying out of their relationships. You really just come across that you didn't like her and are jealous of your friend. Or are you filled with regret for settling down at 20?

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 09:47

@Ohalrightthen come back, we have questions!

CherryBlossomTree7 · 14/02/2021 09:48

Hmmm you're definitely being a hypocrite.

The woman he was seeing may well have not been taken advantage of. Do you know this is how she felt?

MsHedgehog · 14/02/2021 09:48

You are being massively judgmental. Just because her home life is controlling, does not mean at all that she isn’t mature herself. There are many women who can still be mature and have their heads on their shoulders even though they live at home at have controlling parents. You know nothing about her and are being a hypocrite.

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