Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

228 replies

Ohalrightthen · 14/02/2021 08:50

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

OP posts:
Blindstupid · 14/02/2021 15:28

I hope you’re ok now name Flowers

Winditbackagain · 14/02/2021 17:09

They were both adults. You are being judgemental.

Ohalrightthen · 14/02/2021 20:25

Wow, you take Valentine's day to be soppy with your family and leave your phone in a drawer and you come back to 100 MN notifications...

To answer questions:

No, he's not an ex. No, i never fancied him. Yes, i have diminishing respect for him, we were friends practically from birth and he's basically family, but as i get older i realise that he's not someone i would choose. It's a work in progress, with so much shared history. Yes, her father was definitely controlling. No, I'm not "obsessing" years on, he brought it up yesterday and asked me if I'd thought the age gap was weird. I did, and said so, and got yelled at. So i came here for second opinions, of which i got many. Thanks guys.

OP posts:
Pesimistic · 14/02/2021 20:42

I went out with my ex when I was 19 and he was 28, I didn't see anything worse with it st thw time but now I'm older I can see that I didn't have the life experience or confidence to realy understand how a relationship worked and he took advantage of that.

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 14/02/2021 20:46

I had BF same age, sane age difference. Im now in my 40s, still think it was fine!

Nith · 14/02/2021 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

Nith · 14/02/2021 23:43

"selling them to", not too.

MustardMitt · 14/02/2021 23:47

I think it’s weird and I’d be grossed out also tbh.

I dated someone with the same age difference and I’m grossed out thinking back. He totally took advantage of my naivety.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/02/2021 23:52

@Nith I think you have a wrong thread🙈

user143677433 · 15/02/2021 00:06

I’ve not RTFT, but there is an equation for this.

(Age of the older party-18)squared
Divided by
(Age of the younger party-18)squared

So your friends relationship scored 100
Your relationship scored 12.25
A 70 year old dating a 60 year old would score 1.6
A 70 year old dating a 40 year old would score 5.6

A score above 5 indicates a power imbalance

Norwayreally · 15/02/2021 00:14

You reach adulthood at 18 but your brain isn’t fully developed until 25. It’s definitely creepy to date a teenager when you’re anything past 25. I find Kourtney Kardashian’s ex weird, he’s dated 3 19 year olds in a row now. I can’t quite fathom finding a teenager remotely attractive, I teach them and there’s just nothing attractive about them.

Fiona2020 · 15/02/2021 00:19

When I was 20 my boyfriend was 31? I didn’t think it was weird at all. Still don’t. As long as she wasn’t under 16 who cares?

Nobody mentioned anything when Catherine zeta jones started shagging Michael Douglas! Age is literally a number!

CSIblonde · 15/02/2021 08:01

That says to me he's immature. I found men in their 20's too childish & very boring when I was in my 20's. I always dated men in their 30's. I liked a decent conversation & men my age just wanted to go clubbing & get pissed. I feel sorry for the 19yr old, she should be at College or University & enjoying some freedom.

Blindstupid · 15/02/2021 09:18

user ...I’ve not RTFT, but there is an equation for this.

(Age of the older party-18)squared
Divided by
(Age of the younger party-18)squared

So your friends relationship scored 100
Your relationship scored 12.25
A 70 year old dating a 60 year old would score 1.6
A 70 year old dating a 40 year old would score 5.6

A score above 5 indicates a power imbalance

I don’t understand this equation ... I get different figures to you .. take the last example only (70 yo and 40yo) - I get a score of 3.09.

MsHedgehog · 15/02/2021 10:24

@user143677433

I’ve not RTFT, but there is an equation for this.

(Age of the older party-18)squared
Divided by
(Age of the younger party-18)squared

So your friends relationship scored 100
Your relationship scored 12.25
A 70 year old dating a 60 year old would score 1.6
A 70 year old dating a 40 year old would score 5.6

A score above 5 indicates a power imbalance

Putting aside that an equation does not take into account real life at all, the friend's relationship scores 2.2...

How on earth did you get to 100?!

user143677433 · 15/02/2021 10:49

@Blindstupid

70 year old and 40 year old:

Age of older party:
(70-18)=52
52 squared = 2704
Age of younger party:
(40-18)=22
22 squared = 484
Final figure:
2704/484 = 5.587

@MsHedgehog

28 year old and 19 year old:
Age of older party:
(28-18)=10
10 squared = 100
Age of younger party:
(19-18)=1
1 squared = 1
Final figure:
100/1 = 100

“Equation not taking into account real life” ... hence “indicates” power imbalance rather than “is” power imbalance Smile

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/02/2021 10:53

That's a ridiculous "equasion".

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/02/2021 10:54

"equation" even

Crunchymum · 15/02/2021 11:18

I had a year long relationship with a 27yo when I was 19.

I lived at home at the time but I also worked and was at Uni and it wasn't my first "serious" boyfriend.

He had his own place so I would stay over a few times a week. He met my family and friends and vice versa.

It was a loving, nurturing, respectful relationship and I still think of this man very fondly decades later.

Looking back my parents must have been a bit Shock about it all. I was the eldest so they had never had to navigate anything like this before..... but they let it run its course and never, ever told me what I should / shouldn't do. In the end it fizzled out but there was nothing dodgy, I wasn't groomed. It was always mutual and consensual.

I learnt a lot about good sex with this man !!!

greeneyedlulu · 15/02/2021 11:47

It's not your business, this happened a few years ago so why is it bothering you now? Move on

Ohalrightthen · 15/02/2021 12:29

@greeneyedlulu

It's not your business, this happened a few years ago so why is it bothering you now? Move on
Already answered this - he brought it up the other day and asked me if I'd thought it was weird, i told him i did, and he yelled at me.
OP posts:
MustardMitt · 15/02/2021 14:24

@Fiona2020

When I was 20 my boyfriend was 31? I didn’t think it was weird at all. Still don’t. As long as she wasn’t under 16 who cares?

Nobody mentioned anything when Catherine zeta jones started shagging Michael Douglas! Age is literally a number!

So? Does every single person that’s done it have to be namechecked?

‘Age is just a number’ is the sort of shit paedophiles say Hmm

araminta9 · 15/02/2021 17:24

I met my husband when I was nineteen and living at home, having recently left a convent boarding school. He was 27. We married the same year and have been married for 48 years. You are being judgemental.

MustardMitt · 15/02/2021 17:31

People ARE judgemental! You’re judging me (or OP) for being judgmental!

I mean, I’m not sure what you want anyone to say - what life experience does a woman have when she leaves boarding school ostensibly to immediately get married?

Obviously this works for you and you’re happy with your life. That’s fine. But plenty of people think it’s wrong and have seen very young women with older men who have been moulded into the exact companion the man wants.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 15/02/2021 17:39

I dated 25 year olds when I was 17/18. They weren’t ‘skeevy’ if anything they were nice boys/boring and I dumped them all.