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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

228 replies

Ohalrightthen · 14/02/2021 08:50

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

OP posts:
Songsofexperience · 14/02/2021 12:15

I had two significant relationships with a 14 and 10 year age gap in my teens. I wanted both, in fact married the second guy. However neither were what I needed. In your teens, you may well know exactly what you want but very often it's not what you need. That realisation can only come with life experience.

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2021 12:15

I don't think the OP is that interested in the replies TBF. They've been gone 3 hours.

Sally872 · 14/02/2021 12:16

So maybe he dated her and realised she was young for him. Some 19 and 26 year old would be fine similar to you and dh.

What sort of friend needs him to admit this was inappropriate 2 years later? If he wanted to use any power imbalance against her surely he would have? The fact it didn't last suggested he figured out they weren't suited.

You are insinuating he is some sort of pervert, I would be surprised if he remains your friend.

CautiousBlonde · 14/02/2021 12:19

Bin him off then , OP

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 12:25

@JustLyra

Be insulted all you like.

BrowncoatWaffles · 14/02/2021 12:27

@JosephineBaker

Is his name Scott Pilgrim? Tell him to leave poor Knives alone, the creepy sod.
This comment makes my heart sing.

@JosephineBaker you rock my socks

mywifi · 14/02/2021 12:27

Well, they were fucking, and spending time together, but they were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend, it lasted a handful of months.
It just made me feel really uncomfortable.

How was this any of your business? You sound very over invested in it all to be still dwelling on it 2 years later.

Heyahun · 14/02/2021 12:30

I met my now husband when I was 19 and he was 29

Here we are 12 years later happily married and a baby in the way!

So yes I think you are being very judgemental

JustLyra · 14/02/2021 12:32

[quote TatianaBis]@JustLyra

Be insulted all you like.[/quote]
You really are showing yourself up now.

mopphead · 14/02/2021 12:37

Age gaps are weird things, when I was a teenager I dated (not much ) older men - like 4 years and 6 years older than me. At the time I felt grown up and the men my age acted like children so it made sense, but looking back I feel uncomfortable about the age difference. I think they expected me to be like an adult which was too much of an expectation for me, and also that I put up with a lot of shit I would not put up with now because I implicitly thought that they were older and so knew how relationships were done. Just my experience though, not necessarily the case for everyone and not something you might realise straight away.

CaptSkippy · 14/02/2021 12:42

OP, he sounds like a pedophile. I have no doubt he zeroed in on this girl, because she is so sheltered and naïve. Why are you still friends with him?

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 12:47

@Blindstupid

My ds was 24 and dated an 18 year old (a girl we knew). Even that to me was very weird and I didn’t like it one bit. He’d been to uni and lived away, then was working in a good professional field. She was (in my eyes) an immature but very streetwise girl who left school and never worked. I’d never liked the girl which made it worse, but I couldn’t intervene, it was up to them

What I didn’t like about the situation was that I felt my ds was worlds apart from her in maturity, life experience, friends circles etc ... I didn’t feel there was a power imbalance as my son just wasn’t like that, but whereas he was living a serious, professional daytime life, she was still hanging out with mates, chatting youngly on sm etc (as she should given her young age). It just didn’t sit right with me. It felt very weird and off.

I can definitely see the difference between an age gap when you’ve both had life experience, and an age gap where one is older and lived, and the other is still young and immature/no life experience other than school.

How do you know she spent her days ‘chatting youngly’ on social media? 😂
partyatthepalace · 14/02/2021 12:48

It’s not especially weird

What’s weird is her having such controlling parents at 19. WTF

It’s hard to know beyond that because you haven’t given many details of your friends supposed red flags

But what I don’t understand is

  • why is he your friend if he’s such a dick?
  • why are you having a retrospective row about it?
  • what business is it of yours?

I know lockdown is boring but...read a book?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/02/2021 12:49

@CaptSkippy

OP, he sounds like a pedophile. I have no doubt he zeroed in on this girl, because she is so sheltered and naïve. Why are you still friends with him?
19 year olds aren't subject of peadophiles... Confused
CaptSkippy · 14/02/2021 12:50

Not officially no, but she is very much like a child by OP's description. If he could have legally been with a young girl he would have done it.

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 12:51

^ I don’t think it was a case of you thinking it was weird, more that you wanted a worthier partner for your precious professional son BlindStupid

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/02/2021 12:51

@CaptSkippy

Not officially no, but she is very much like a child by OP's description. If he could have legally been with a young girl he would have done it.
Even unofficially! Dating a 19 year old doesn't make you a peadophile!

Do you not realise how ridiculous you sound?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/02/2021 13:01

@CaptSkippy

Not officially no, but she is very much like a child by OP's description. If he could have legally been with a young girl he would have done it.
You know an awful lot about him from two anonymous MN posts...
Butchyrestingface · 14/02/2021 13:03

It just made me feel really uncomfortable. He had a full decade of life experience on her, and she seemed very naive.

Maybe having it off with someone who has a full decade's experience on her has helped on the naivety front a bit? ¯\(ツ)/¯

I do think you're having a fairly strong reactions to two adults having a relationship/FWB/whatever arrangement. Do YOU fancy this bloke?

MiaMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:09

The living at home part is irrelevant. Doesn't make you more of a grown up just because you managed to leave at an earlier age. Hmm

Sittingonabench · 14/02/2021 13:14

I can understand feeling a bit wired but you surely see that the only way to get life experience is to go out and take opportunities? I don’t think it warrants this level of judgement and I can see why he thinks you are a hypocrite especially as you don’t know the ins and outs of it. So long as there was no coercion I don’t see the problem.

Blindstupid · 14/02/2021 14:09

lleflott ... because she was one of my dd’s best friends

And definitely not me wanting a worthier partner for my ‘precious professional son’ as you put it 😂😂 ... no, I was trying to point out the life experience my son had had so far in his life and the fact that he had a good job in a professional industry, making him work amongst similar older experienced adults. It made him more mature and experienced than when he was 18 himself, the age of the girl he was dating. The difference in them and their outlooks was very apparent. His job does not make him in any way better than anyone else. You’ve picked it up wrong. As for my dc’s partners - obviously I have no influence in them at all, they all know I want for them is to be happy - end of. I did not like the girl, didn’t like her as my daughters friend, but that is completely irrelevant, their friends and partners are not my choice and they do not need my blessing. They are old enough to make their own decisions, that’s what being an adult is all about.

So you’re very wrong and have definitely misinterpreted my post.

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 14:54

@Blindstupid

lleflott ... because she was one of my dd’s best friends

And definitely not me wanting a worthier partner for my ‘precious professional son’ as you put it 😂😂 ... no, I was trying to point out the life experience my son had had so far in his life and the fact that he had a good job in a professional industry, making him work amongst similar older experienced adults. It made him more mature and experienced than when he was 18 himself, the age of the girl he was dating. The difference in them and their outlooks was very apparent. His job does not make him in any way better than anyone else. You’ve picked it up wrong. As for my dc’s partners - obviously I have no influence in them at all, they all know I want for them is to be happy - end of. I did not like the girl, didn’t like her as my daughters friend, but that is completely irrelevant, their friends and partners are not my choice and they do not need my blessing. They are old enough to make their own decisions, that’s what being an adult is all about.

So you’re very wrong and have definitely misinterpreted my post.

Ok. Sorry. Confused
Blindstupid · 14/02/2021 14:59

Not sure I understand your confused face but hey ho.

My post was only about life experience making a difference in an age gap relationship at a younger age, not actual age necessarily.

Nameandgamechange123 · 14/02/2021 15:04

I think I might have been the girl in question! I was 19 when I met 28yr old partner. I was still at home heavily controlled by parents, no proper job, no money etc. He had lived alone since he was 18 and was a proper grown up. Relationship lasted 10 (miserable) years. Looking back I really question what a grown man would want with someone who is basically still a child. So OP I get where you are coming from 100%.