To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

[Ohalrightthen]

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

I was 19, living with my parents but working full time when I met a 28 year old. My dad was not happy.

I am now 30 and married to him, we have three children together and are very happy. Don’t be a judgy pants. Women mature much earlier than men do.

I don't see a problem with age difference. There was 18 years between my mum and dad

Nobody mentioned anything when Catherine zeta jones started shagging Michael Douglas!
Are you joking? 'People' had plenty to say about it at the time!!

I have a 19 year old step sister who sounds similar naive and no life experience still lives at home. And I would be telling him to back the hell off.

One of my children got into a relationship at 18 with someone considerably older (almost my age) and I want men at all. Having done the same thing myself when I was 18, I have the experience/metaphorical tee-shirt and could have said don't do it because abc, xyz, but we are all human beings, have our own feelings and teenagers are notorious for doing the opposite of what they're being told/advised to do.

So instead, I sat down and explained that I know the pitfalls and problems but that I wouldn't say do this or that but that I'd be here if needed for support.

What I did do was meet this person and made it clear that my child and I are extremely closer and that if upset, I'd hear about it and that I'd be the viciously protective mother and fight my child's corner.

It took a while to get to know this person but 6yrs on we understand each other, sometimes (playfully) ganging up on my child because we have the age connection. They do have some problems, mainly due to the age gap but they're still together. I regularly get moaned to by both of them, I sympathise where appropriate but tell them to sort it out between themselves. If there was a major issue I would definitely be on my child's team but I usually try to stay slightly impartial and that's all I can do because I don't want to be dragged into anything that could snowball.

When I was 16 I went out with a 25 year old for a few months, we are still friends 30 years later. In fact a few boyfriends were 5-10 years older than me. Though I am now married to man the same age as me I don’t see an issue with age gaps.

Hmm. I don't think that's odd at all. I do find it odd that you are so upset by this and still thinking about it a year or 2 down the line. Girls are much more mature then men so large age gaps aren't strange. I have a very big age gap with my husband and we started dating when I was still young and he was well travelled with loads of life experience and I lived at home. We're still together, married and children. I don't think age should ever condem a relationship, unless one person is underage or maybe mentally vulnerable

I couldn't agree with you more. I always said the same to my daughter, you can't have an equal relationship with someone with no life experience. In saying that she's in her 30s now and with someone 15 years her senior. It's very different now as she's had more life experience.

I suggest you leave it alone- no really any of your business. It sounds like something else is going on for you. Your relationship with this man??

I'd be more concerned about the fact that poor girl had to answer to her parents at 19, and was being treated like a child. No wonder she had no life experience. Unfortunately I predict a lot of bad decisions in her future, through rebellion if nothing else.
As far as your friend goes, I think you're being a little too judgemental, especially given the girls situation. If the relationship was consensual, they're both over the legal age, than it's not really anyone else's business.

There is a massive difference between two people in their early to mid twenties being together, and someone in their late teens being with someone in their late 20s. Bet she wont look back on their relationship fondly going forward.

I don't really think that the idea that the older person in these scenarios has some radical power advantage is all that true. And there are lots of other things that can create a power differential as well - different income levels, different backgrounds, etc.

If this young woman was vulnerable and he was preying on her, even unintentionally taking advantage, that's not great, but then that would be true if she were older and vulnerable as well.

But at some point we presumably think people are old enough to make significant life decisions. And there has never been anything stopping people of disparate ages from being attracted and having romantic relationships with each other, even marriages. It's even more common than friendships among very different ages because it's not based on the same kinds of things.

It's also the case, IMO, that women and men aren't that evenly matched at 19. It's hard on the young men, but there isn't a lot to appeal to many 19 year old women in a 19 year old man. A lot of them don't even look full grown.

Dated a few blokes aged between 26-32 when I was 19 (it was a fun year ) all very nice men and they went on to date people there own age, nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘creepy’ about them.

I then went on to meet a 21 year old who I have been married to for 4 years, together 7 years. The age is irrelevant past 18 years old I think... but hey, you judge away

Totally normal for a 19 year old girl to date a guy in their 20s. 19 year old boys can be painfully immature still at that age.

When I was 21 I met a man who was 50. We dated for about 7 months. We never slept together because he said i should wait for the man i would have children with. We had lots of fun together and he basically pieced me back together after i had been with a physically abusive man my own age. He is now with my friend who is much closer to his age, I introduced them. I figured if it wasnt going to last for us I should introduce him to someone better matched to him. I dont care what anyone thinks of what happened between him and I, hes been the most respectful man I ever dated.

I think it's weird that you gave it so much thought

She's 19 tho... Perfectly legal.

I was 18 and my partner was 27..I had just left school... No life experiences, still living at home and what? Fast forward 20 years and we are still together, married, travelled the world together, I went and got a degree, had a kid with him and have a great job.
Most people, especially London still haven't moved out by 30 and live with their parents. We don't all just shove our names on council houses when we turn 16.

At 16 I dated a 32 year old, for four years. I grew out of him when I went to uni, but he was a lovely man, my parents adored him. He just didn’t have much umpf or ambition. I broke his heart and I checked recently and he is married with three kids, and I’m glad things worked out for him.

To be honest, he was definitely taking advantage of her, but I think your age gap is fairly similar. When I was 20 I had already moved out and was working full time whilst at uni full time - so a proper adult but i still wouldn’t have got with a 25 year old. As a 24 year old, I wouldn’t date a 19/20 year old either. Early to mid 20s are completely different stages in life.

My sister was 17 and her now-husband was 26 when they started dating... now THAT is creepy

@Ohalrightthen

By the sounds of it,
It does comes across as suspect dodgy,not because of the Age gap.

But Cause of the Type/Nature of this type of relantship.

I think she/he is old enough to date anybody they wants to.
regardless of age gaps.

As long as its Legal and ubove board.

If you have such a problem with this, why is he still one of your best mates?

I had a curfew, didn't have a front door key, wasn't allowed to stay out overnight, was forced to go to Mass very Sunday and had to account for my every movement to my parents until the day I left home to marry my 1st husband. I was just 21.

The main reason I got married was to get away from my parents. The marriage didn't last 3 years...

I'd feel sorry for the girl, tbh.

@turnthebiglightoff

If you have such a problem with this, why is he still one of your best mates?

I've explained this already...

I was in a similar situation when I was 19, completely out of my depth before I realised it.
I used to tell him that my parents wouldn't let me go away with him (he kept wanting to go away for the weekend) - I hadn't even asked them as I didn't want to go but equally didn't want to tell him that.
I finished it after a few months as I just felt uneasy, out of place with all his friends etc.