To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

[Ohalrightthen]

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

‘Sorta kinda’? Were they dating or not? Either way I don’t see the problem.

Also ‘skeeved out’ assuming you were not happy?

Is his name Scott Pilgrim? Tell him to leave poor Knives alone, the creepy sod.

I think you are being a bit of a hypocrite and I don’t think that living at home versus living away from home is relevant.

I think it's weird.

@Sparklingbrook

‘Sorta kinda’? Were they dating or not? Either way I don’t see the problem.

Also ‘skeeved out’ assuming you were not happy?

Well, they were fucking, and spending time together, but they were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend, it lasted a handful of months.

It just made me feel really uncomfortable. He had a full decade of life experience on her, and she seemed very naive. I don't think age gap relationships are all inappropriate, but this one seemed dodgy to me. Especially because of his history with women his own age, who generally saw straight through his poor boundaries and small collection of red flags.

I would say, yes you were (and still are being) overly judgemental - you say she ‘seemed’ naive which says to me that you were judging the situation from a distance.

How long ago was this? Nothing came of it, I’m baffled as to why you’re harping on about something that had little to do with you.

I am totally feeling sorry for the girl that at 19 she is controlled by her dad like a 14 year old accounting for her whereabouts and who is she dating.

@Aprilx

I think you are being a bit of a hypocrite and I don’t think that living at home versus living away from home is relevant.

Really? If you've just left school, never had a job, and are still completely reliant on your parents, surely your life experience is not comparable to someone who has been completely practically and financially independent for a couple of years?

My Db are about 10 years older than me, I dated a couple of their friends. Absolutely not weird IMO.

No, I'd find that weird too. There's a huge difference between a mature 20 year old ans a 19 year old with a curfew for gods sake. I was married at 22 but had been living with DH for years and was very mature. Some 22 year olds need their beds making by their parents. Age is irrelevant if independence and maturity isn't there.

The red flags for me are more about her controlling parents. Surely at 19 you don’t need a curfew and should be able to live relatively independently whilst still living with parents? Unless there is more to her story.

@Cantdoitallperfectly

The red flags for me are more about her controlling parents. Surely at 19 you don’t need a curfew and should be able to live relatively independently whilst still living with parents? Unless there is more to her story.

Exactly 👀

Why are you thinking about this now? And discussing it with your friend? This all happened years ago. Us he still one of your best mates?

Sounds like they had a fling, maybe she was being rebellious, or as an adult female she fancied a fling.

And now a drip feed about his history with other women...

Is it your ex? Because it just does not sound like you are talking about "best mate"...

That's what I wondered @SchrodingersImmigrant, or if OP wanted him for herself...

@Ohalrightthen

I don’t think it makes any difference to the age gap in a relationship which is what your question is about.

At 19 she is an adult. YABU to overreact and judge your friend.

@Sparklingbrook ooooh. That one too!

Sounds to me the only 'evidence' you think you have about the power play is the their age.

And that definitely isn't evidence of that.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the age gap. I started dating my DH when I was 19 and he was 27. I also lived at home with my parents at the time. I was mature in some ways, naive in others. DH was fairly immature for a 27 year old! We’re still together 15 years later. He got a bit of ribbing from his friends at first and my parents didn’t have curfews or anything but they did expect me to tell them roughly where I was/if I wasn’t coming home for the night etc - but that’s just good manners when you’re living with someone isn’t it?

I think you are being very judgemental.

I know two women who met their much older DHs when they were in their late teens. Both got grief over the age gap 9 years and 19 years. Both have now been with partners 30+ years.

If this happened in the past what difference does it make to you?
Maybe the girl enjoyed the freedom she gained from having a more mature partner. Who knows but it's none of your business.

I had a similar experience at 19 with a man who was 29. He lived on his own, had a child with his ex, and as you say he had a collection of red flags that an older woman would have recognised and avoided.

I was 19 and lived with my parents, and from my perspective it was fine... because I didn’t understand how much more mature older people were. I’d happily hang out with people 10-20 years older and believed we were peers.

It was only when I became older myself and looked at 19yos that I thought WTF? Because no way would I have dated a 19yo. From the older perspective there’s a massive gap. Yes it was abusive, but from the teenage perspective it seems fine. From the adult perspective it’s shocking. Truthfully I still feel like I was abused.

Why is he one of your best friends? You don’t sound like you like him and agree this relationship does sound dodgy. But I voted YABU because he’s not your to control and if you don’t like him or respect his life choices you shouldn’t be friends with him.

It’s grim

These threads come up on MN a lot.

My take is this: most 19 year olds don't go out with people hitting their thirties; most people hitting their thirties don't go out with 19 year olds.

Why? Because, yes: there's a massive life-experience gap.

Those years between 17 - 30 are real growing years, when all sorts of very significant experiences happen, all about independence, autonomy, life-choices, character growth.

Yes, some relationships will occur, an even smaller number of these will be successful - but it's an outlier experience for a reason.