To ask if I'm right, and this is weird.

[Ohalrightthen]

Having a retrospective row - One of my best mates, then a 28yr old bloke, was a year or two ago sorta kinda dating a 19yr old girl. I am massively skeeved out by the fact that he thinks this was OK - she still lived at home with her parents and had to answer to them for her whereabouts, still had a curfew etc, had never had a job or gone to uni, seemed incredibly naive and had zero life experience. She was practically a child, and he was a well-established adult. He refused to accept that there was a power imbalance, or that it was in any way weird. She eventually broke up with him when her dad found out.

My friend says I'm a hypocrite, because i met DH when i was 20 and he was 25, but I'd been living away from home for 2 years by then and was completely financially and practically independent, so I'd argue it was a completely different situation.

Was i being overly judgy? He's historically had very little success with women his own age, and it just felt to me like he was taking advantage of this young woman having zero life experience, a pretty shitty home life and poor boundaries.

You’re absolutely right OP. The key is not so much in the age itself but in the level of independence. If the 19 year old had been living and working independently for a couple of years like you had, it would be different.

The fact that the relationship ended when the dad found out attests to that.

@TatianaBis

You’re absolutely right OP. The key is not so much in the age itself but in the level of independence. If the 19 year old had been living and working independently for a couple of years like you had, it would be different.

The fact that the relationship ended when the dad found out attests to that.

It attests to a controlling father.

I agree, OP. There's a big difference is those two situations.

I am hoping that it didn't end and now at 30 and 21 they are still together but nobody knows especially not OP, that's just what he told them!

It attests to a controlling father.

It attests to a teen who is not mature or strong enough to stand up to her father. If she can’t stand up to her own father she may well not be able to stand up to her bf either.

Nobody can control you if you don’t let them.

Yes, it's not so much the age gap as the absolute age, when young. Plus some allowance for maturity.

So 18 or 19 is much, much younger than 21 or 22.

The 'half plus 7' rule is trite but also rather true, I think. So at 28, 14+7 = 21. Whereas at 25, 12.5+7= 19.5.

Why are you friends with someone who displays so many red flags though? Do they and his behaviour with others not make you feel uncomfortable, to the extent of feeling repelled?

You are being overly judge.
I’m more concerned her parents felt that’s a curfew for an adult was appropriate.

25 and 28 are very different too.

Just for fun:

Guess what the average age gap is between married couples?

And what the average age difference between married couples was 70 years ago?

Then look it up.

(Yes, I know that there is a difference between dating, having a relationship, and marrying. I'm not daft! But I think there is a link between the characteristics of people we choose to have relationships with and people we choose to marry ... so data on the one May perhaps shed light on the other.
Anyway, long story short, this is why I will stick with my suggestion that such an age-difference in relationships is not the norm.
Except on MN, on threads like this, where it seems every other poster is either married to someone ten years older or routinely dated thirty year olds throughout their late-teen years. 😁)

Should have said, 'in England and Wales.'

People who get very uptight about age gap relationships where there is no indication of anything exploitative often feel threatened by them.
Dating younger can be perceived as a rejection of older. Dating older can be seen as removing potential options from their rightful age group.
People don't usually get worked up about things other people do unless it triggers their own feelings.

@TatianaBis

It attests to a controlling father.

It attests to a teen who is not mature or strong enough to stand up to her father. If she can’t stand up to her own father she may well not be able to stand up to her bf either.

Nobody can control you if you don’t let them.

😐 Yeah. No.

Yes you are being judgy. Might be different if she was 17 but at 19 she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. How do you know what life experience she'd faced?

There's 15 years between my dp and I, nothing 'skeevy' about it x

The nearer my DD gets to 19 the more revolted I am by these relationships.

At 28 you’re a proper adult with accountability and responsibility. The 28 year olds I know are professionally qualified, manage teams, projects and budgets. They’re used to influencing and have a self belief that comes from several years of professional experience. They’ve lived independently, traveled and made impactful decisions about their lives. They also have multiple adult to adult relationships: they’ve transitioned their relationship with their parents; navigated complex working relationships and had several emotional and physical relationships.

The 19 year olds I know are more like children. They are taking first steps to independence, often still have very hierarchical relationships with other adults (parents, friends parents, tutors etc) and have little experience of negotiating difficult relationships whether they be with partners or colleagues.

I’m not surprised that you don’t think it was appropriate.

Nothing to do with you

Good that you are getting involved though

if you want to keep your friend I'd keep your mouth shut and opions to yourself.

So by your reckoning she should find a BF who lives with parents has a curfew and no life experience would you suggest she has a 15 year old then.

I don't feel bad about feeling protective towards young people of 18-21, who, with average levels of life experience and maturity, are still very unformed, inexperienced and undergoing an (often very sheltered, if at uni etc) transition between teens and adulthood.

The feelings this 'triggers' are big-sisterly, including to my younger self.

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 30. I had left home at 17 and was in the last year of Uni. I’m now 47 and he’s now 57.
Not creepy then and not creepy now.

I don't see a problem with a 19yo and 28yo. But then I met DP when he was 19 and I'm 10 years older - still together 26 years later.

To me your view is judgemental - they are also both adults.

Exceptions do not disprove a rule.

@lottiegarbanzo

Yes, it's not so much the age gap as the absolute age, when young. Plus some allowance for maturity.

So 18 or 19 is much, much younger than 21 or 22.

The 'half plus 7' rule is trite but also rather true, I think. So at 28, 14+7 = 21. Whereas at 25, 12.5+7= 19.5.

Why are you friends with someone who displays so many red flags though? Do they and his behaviour with others not make you feel uncomfortable, to the extent of feeling repelled?

Where does this rule come from? Is it based on research into what makes successful relationships?

You’re right, this is weird. And what’s weird about it is: (1) the controlling father, and (2) the judgy friend.

@TatianaBis

It attests to a controlling father.

It attests to a teen who is not mature or strong enough to stand up to her father. If she can’t stand up to her own father she may well not be able to stand up to her bf either.

Nobody can control you if you don’t let them.

Nice bit of victim blaming there. I’m sure everyone subject to coercive control will be pleased to know it’s their fault.

I don't think it's that weird. Yes, there may be a power/experience inbalance, but not grotesquesly so. You could get people of closer ages going out together where one is sheltered and inexperienced and the other is much more worldly-wise. 19 isn't a child and 28 is hardly centuries of difference.