Mad about this lie

[tigertubbie]

5 years ago my dh had his stag do in Amsterdam - went with about 15 mates including my younger brother. Dh was approaching his 40s, db was in his early 20s at the time.

A few weeks after, me, dh, dhs friend (went on the stag do and dhs friend's partner were having dinner together and we were asking how the stag do went, what they did etc. and the conversation of prostitution came up and whether anyone on the stag do had visited a prostitute. The guys looked sheepish so me and friend pushed them on it and dh then told me that it was my db who had visited a prostitute.

I've been pretty grossed out about this and thought less of my db ever since. He had a gf at the time and it made me subconsciously write off their relationship and think my db was a selfish person. I was just disappointed really.

Last night we were having a takeaway and drinks with my other db and his wife and were all pretty tipsy. Somehow the topic of Amsterdam came up and I turned to db and said did you know that db2 went to a prostitute on dhs stag do? Db was like, wtf, I can't believe he would do something like that, and then dh jumped in with "oh I made that up"

Apparently it had been another married friend of theirs and he didn't want to tell me, so instead he told me it was my brother. And all these years I have thought that without him bothering to tell me the truth- even though the married friend has since split with his wife.

I had cross words with him after db and sil left and went off angry to bed. Dh says this is a total over reaction and can't see why I'm so angry. Is he unreasonable or am I?

Honestly OP, whatever way you look at it it's shitty.

I've known these sort of men before, who go on stag do's knowing and accepting some or all of them will be cheating on their wives/long term partner's, and all are dedicated to the "bro code", and lying to their wives lest THEY be "uncool" and tell the partners of the cheats. I've had to consider whether to get in touch with random women I barely know who a man that I know has casually told me has been cheated on on a stag do. One of them was the bride, and seeing their wedding pics made me feel a bit sick.

Men who think it's ok to cheat on their partners on stag do's are disgusting. The web of lies your husband has created around the situation reveals so much about his character.

It's not that this one incident would have me screaming LTB (thought it definitely would if he was the one who cheated), but the person he clearly is has me saying it.

I'd be fuming if my husband lied about my family like that. And I would absolutely think it was to cover his own back.

"No one really thinks a group of blokes went to amsters for a stag for tulips, cycling and waffles?"

@Bluntness100 "Amsters" 🙈😂 really? No, they don't go for the tulips. They go because it's accessible, they can use drugs and there was a concert on they wanted to see.

Still chuckling at "Amsters" though 😂

Obviously someone in the group went to a prostitute. Your brother would've said after finding out how badly you've all treated him if he knew who it was.

I'm appalled that you would stay with someone with so little regard for women that they'd pay to have sex with one. Vile.

And tbh, I'd be disgusted if my DH knew his friend had cheated on his wife and helped him cover it up aswell.

You owe your brother a massive apology. Especially now you've revealed you'd just ignore it if it was your husband "for the sake of a happy life"

Wow

The problem I'd have with this is that he lied. Also his friend lied. Can you believe anything they say now?

@Bookwords

I don't know why, and maybe this is a bit abnormal or messed up, but I think if I even knew that my dh had in fact visited a prostitute five years ago, I can kind of just think meh, that's a proper shitty thing to do, but our lives have moved on since then. That I think I could live with - or just choose not to think about - for the sake of a happy life now.

How utterly weird, considering you're thoughts on your brother and how you thought less of him!

Agreed with Bookwords, it is a strange attitude given how you've thought less of your brother. However, if you really can think 'meh' about your husband possibly sleeping with a sex worker then maybe you just need to apologise to your brother and move on.

My db is my younger bro - always been a baby in my eyes - I used to read him his bedtime stories and take him to the park. Always thought he was a truly good hearted person and too shy to do anything like that. The story about the prostitute woke me up from those rose tinted glasses and I started to see him differently.

My dh has always been a wild card. Have been under no illusions that he was not a conventional husband. I thought it was exciting and cool at the time. We both went to Amsterdam several times to get high and go to concerts. Never thought he had it in him to go to a prostitute though - heavy stoners don't have the highest of sex drives.

In the past few years I've put pressure on him to radically clean up his act, because the exciting exotic dh act soon lost its charm when a child, mortgage, and responsibility came along. But I've been under no illusions that he's a saint. Just wish he hadn't brought my brother into it.

Oh well. That's alright then

And the fact that he's so much younger than you and you see him as a baby makes it even worse that you decided to text him to tell him you've thought less of him for the past five years and "never looked at him the same".

Not to mention calling your brother a tight arse and spreading lies about him to your other brother.

What a completely self absorbed and shitty thing to do on your part. Your husband sounds a knob but you've just been cruel and nasty.

I'm not sure you'll ever find out the truth now - I know lots of "family men" who have done this. I've also attended weddings where everyone knows the groom and even the father of the bride has shagged a prostitute. They'll tell anyone except the partners. It's horrible.

I think my db would tell me if it was my dh, especially after being thrown under the bus by dh for something he hadn't done.

That assumes your brother knows

It's now the friend from the dinner party who is apparently to blame. He and dh have been thick as thieves for years and I've had several issues with their friendship in the past - the friends refusal to grow up and the bad treatment of his partner who was one of my good friends too.

So previously your brother was to blame. Now it's the friend. Does your DH often deflect blame from his choices?

I don't know why, and maybe this is a bit abnormal or messed up, but I think if I even knew that my dh had in fact visited a prostitute five years ago, I can kind of just think meh, that's a proper shitty thing to do, but our lives have moved on since then. That I think I could live with - or just choose not to think about - for the sake of a happy life now.

You'd accept him cheating and lying, yet you've been seeing your brother differently this whole time?

But the whole concoction of a lie about my brother is the thing that bothers me the most. It's like a whole sneaky construction that involved someone 20 years younger than him to cover his/his friends tracks, with no regard for the consequences, that makes it worse than just a bit of fun in Amsterdam.

You don't seem massively bothered for someone who was apparently very close to her brohter, yet has been seeing him through different eyes for five years because of a lie.

Your DH not only lied to you to protect his friend (and possibly himself), but he also persuaded you never to mention it to your brother, therefore never allowing that perception you have formed of your brother to be fixed.

He's also now minimising by telling you you are over-reacting and hasn't bothered his arse to apologise. Not to mention embarassed you infront of your other DB.

YABU not to be fucking livid with him.

You are all bunch of fucking weirdoes if this isn't made up👀

IF this isn’t all a bunch of bullshit then he’s in the basement avoiding you, phoning his friend asking him to take the rap for him because it’s quite obvious he had sex with a prostitute.

The fact you’re like “well meh if he did” isn’t believable for a second.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Men who think it's ok to cheat on their partners on stag do's are disgusting. The web of lies your husband has created around the situation reveals so much about his character.

I totally agree.

OP doesn't though, she's basically said she doesn't care if he did.

There's always the good old "don't ask a question if you're unlikely to like the answer"

I think you have let a bomb off in your family dynamics. I get the impression this DB doesn't like your DH much anyway and I doubt he's unlikely to take this lie against his character lightly....

Why did they HAVE to admit anyone went with a prostitute? I can only imagine that they were like rabbits caught in headlights and said the first thing to come out of their lying mouths. You'll never get the truth now. You'll tell the friends wife but her DH would already have been warned and he'll tell his wife that it was your DH really.
What a mess. For me the trust would be gone and you're DH may as well be guilty. To let you believe a lie about your baby Bro all these years, unbelievable!!

I'm no "cool wife" but some posters must have serious issues if they wouldn't trust their partners to go on a weekend away with their friends I've gone to Amsterdam with a group of friends (male and female/coupled and single) and no one had sex with prostitutes! Weird hysteria on here at times that doesn't reflect real life, well doesn't reflect my life anyway.

Also haranguing OP for "spreading salacious gossip" to her sibling about their sibling is odd. It's not gossip when it's your immediate family as presumably most siblings keep information within the family and paying a woman for sex is definitely note worthy enough for discussion!

Are you bored in lockdown and trying to stir up drama.
If your sure DH wasn't the guy invovled leave it unless you take pleasure from stirring shit for other people .

I think you have gone one step too far, the whole posting the messages is always a warning, but the I saw my brother in a different light because I was told he slept with a prostitute but the fact that my soon to be husband cheated on me doesn't matter because he was a bad boy.

If on the off chance this is true, there is something off with your moral compass

@HitchFlix

I'm no "cool wife" but some posters must have serious issues if they wouldn't trust their partners to go on a weekend away with their friends I've gone to Amsterdam with a group of friends (male and female/coupled and single) and no one had sex with prostitutes! Weird hysteria on here at times that doesn't reflect real life, well doesn't reflect my life anyway.

Also haranguing OP for "spreading salacious gossip" to her sibling about their sibling is odd. It's not gossip when it's your immediate family as presumably most siblings keep information within the family and paying a woman for sex is definitely note worthy enough for discussion!

Agree!

Well "meh" is an understatement. But the lying bothers me more than a drunken sexual act. The lie lingered a lot longer than that.

To be honest I'm just at that point with my dh where I'm just so not arsed to be fuming. I thought I would be when he got up. But looking at him so pathetic when he got up out of bed I just thought "you know what mate you really aren't that worth it are you?" And don't even have it in me to start a massive row with our dd around and spend the energy on arguing back and forth. And for what? I'm locked in with this toad. He clearly isn't a nice person in whichever scenario is the truth.

I'm more mad about the lies concerning my brother. I think some posters are right - I've treated him badly and I'm mad at myself for believing the lies and damaging the relationship with him.

The whole prostitution drama is, or should be, a sideshow to the fact that the DH deliberately impacted the OP's relationship with her brother. Despite knowing for five years it was impacting how she viewed her sibling he never bothered his arse to correct it.

That's LTB worthy alone.

Kind of hope this isn’t real for the brothers sake. Imagine getting a casual text like that from your sister ☹️

I'm locked in with this toad.

why are you still with him?