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Original poster

Mad about this lie

273 replies

tigertubbie · 14/02/2021 08:16

5 years ago my dh had his stag do in Amsterdam - went with about 15 mates including my younger brother. Dh was approaching his 40s, db was in his early 20s at the time.

A few weeks after, me, dh, dhs friend (went on the stag do and dhs friend's partner were having dinner together and we were asking how the stag do went, what they did etc. and the conversation of prostitution came up and whether anyone on the stag do had visited a prostitute. The guys looked sheepish so me and friend pushed them on it and dh then told me that it was my db who had visited a prostitute.

I've been pretty grossed out about this and thought less of my db ever since. He had a gf at the time and it made me subconsciously write off their relationship and think my db was a selfish person. I was just disappointed really.

Last night we were having a takeaway and drinks with my other db and his wife and were all pretty tipsy. Somehow the topic of Amsterdam came up and I turned to db and said did you know that db2 went to a prostitute on dhs stag do? Db was like, wtf, I can't believe he would do something like that, and then dh jumped in with "oh I made that up"

Apparently it had been another married friend of theirs and he didn't want to tell me, so instead he told me it was my brother. And all these years I have thought that without him bothering to tell me the truth- even though the married friend has since split with his wife.

I had cross words with him after db and sil left and went off angry to bed. Dh says this is a total over reaction and can't see why I'm so angry. Is he unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Bluntness100 · 14/02/2021 10:54

Oh my. Surely no one is this naive? No one really thinks a group of blokes went to amsters for a stag for tulips, cycling and waffles?

Op stop pushing. They ain’t going to tell you. Your brother will have. Likely also hour husband. And most of the others. Let it go.

Multicover · 14/02/2021 10:55

@LH1987

Why would someone make a Mumsnet thread up?! I think people are getting paranoid in lockdown.
Awww bless Grin New to MN I presume?
Mrgrinch · 14/02/2021 10:57

For god's sake why are people still attacking me for saying 'allow'? I've already posted clearing it up and saying it was the wrong word to use.

purplecorkheart · 14/02/2021 10:57

Bro code? How old is your DH? 12?

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 14/02/2021 11:04

OP has already explained why she wasn't breaking covid rules as her db was temporarily living with her.
My DB and I regularly write 'Bro' and 'Sis' in texts, cards etc.
I went to Amsterdam with my now ex as a cheap, quick long w/e away and yes we went to the red light district, just to see what all the fuss was about. My only thoughts were 'nice curtains' and at least they are not cold!
I think you need to speak to your brother as he is the only one likely to give you the truth.

CantBeAssed · 14/02/2021 11:05

Possibility it has been your husband but what confuses me is, if it was your husband why would he lie and say it was your brother! Surely he would run the risk of you questioning db and db would be well be pissed of at being accused and spill the beans on dh...dh would be increasing risk of being exposed..maybe he said it was married friend because you brought it up to you other brother and dh was afraid other db would let his feelings on the matter known...i think the actual lie is that it wasnt your db..Confused

rorosemary · 14/02/2021 11:05

I lived in Amsterdam for a couple of years. The drugs and red light district is full of british people on stag do's. They don't tend to go to the Van Gogh museum. It won't be just one of them who used a prostitute.

Albgo · 14/02/2021 11:08

I know a group of 10 men who went on a stag to Prague. 9 of them slept with prostitutes and all of them had naked / private lap dances. Most of them were in serious long term relationships or married. I'm sure their partners all think they are lovely men who would never do such a thing.

Original poster
tigertubbie · 14/02/2021 11:12

I could spend ages telling my backstory. Like the details on my db and sil's recent move here. Or why I am in European time. Or so many things. But it just really isn't relevant to the problem right now, which is my dh.
All it does is leave a massive trail over Mumsnet about who you are and anybody you know irl easily able to identify you.
Plus, you throw in details and people automatically derail the thread - my sil, dh, or anyone else is not from the UK and suddenly it's all about cultural differences and they don't see women the same as we do. Mention you are not in the UK right now and it's a Covid derail about swanning off on fancy holidays during a pandemic and maybe you deserve everything bad that is happening to you, even though some people have other commitments where travel is allowed.

And the only reason to post texts is because it is much quicker than typing out an entire conversation. But now explaining and being accused of being a troll has taken up more time than in the first place.

For those who don't care too much for the Sherlock Holmes section of Mumsnet, my dh is insisting it wasn't him and that it was a knee jerk response to protect his married friend, and that he was with my db and several others for the entire time, which was carefully planned in between a music festival, the escape room, and the ferry. They didn't go to the rl district apart from this one friend who went off on his own. He's ringing my db to apologize - I'm sat here in a huff wondering how I'm going to spend my Sunday to shake my bad mood.

OP posts:
SpeakingFranglais · 14/02/2021 11:14

I don't believe it is prerequisite that you sleep with a prostitute if you go on a stag do to Amsterdam.

I agree with OP, where I live Amsterdam is a really short flight, and half the time and cost of going by train to London.

I have been several times, both in an all female and a mixed sex group. When a city break abroad is so cheap, accessible and liberal then it is always going to be a popular choice for a stag.

Yes they might go round the sex shops, they might put a few euro in a peep show booth or smoke a spliff but saying all men go to Amsterdam to shag a prostitute is a bit Hmm.

drinkstoomuchwine · 14/02/2021 11:14

I don’t know... it all seems (odd but) plausible to me ... Wasn’t your DH running quite a risk when it said it was your DB?
At any point in the hours/days/weeks that followed you could have bought it up with DB and the truth - whatever it was but obv hideous if it turned out to be DH - would have come out?
Sounds like a risky strategy to me?

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 14/02/2021 11:20

Was it the married friend who you were originally having the dinner party with?
I just can't for the life of me see why your DH told you it was your DB and didn't think to put you straight when the friends left. He'd rather you think worse of your DB than this other bloke, seriously??

Summersun2020 · 14/02/2021 11:21

Op, before he calls your brother, could you call his bluff and tell him your brother has already admitted to you that it was your DH who visited a prostitute? Gauge his reaction

SendMeHome · 14/02/2021 11:24

@tigertubbie Is that enough for you?

The trust would be gone for me. Of course he’s sorry now... but he lied to you about the red light district for years, unbothered, let alone that he lied about your brother.

And he now says he was with your brother the whole time, and before it was your brother that went?

At this point, you’re just accepting that he went and it’s water under the bridge, because he’s never going to tell you the truth. All he’s done is muddy the waters, drag your brother into things and prove that he can easily, believably lie to you for years.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 14/02/2021 11:25

@barretbonden

I simply do not believe that British men go to Amsterdam, or Prague, on stag dos, with anything other than an expectation that they will have sex with a prostitute. They sure as shit don't go there for the culture. Beer, drugs, can be had easily on British soil. It's the opportunity to make use of prostitutes without the risk of being seen or arrested, that is the only possible reason they go.
The amount of times I've heard "it's for the museums".

Yeah, because going to Anne Franks house is always top bants for the lads.

SomersetHamlyn · 14/02/2021 11:28

@tigertubbie
I could spend ages telling my backstory. Like the details on my db and sil's recent move here. Or why I am in European time. Or so many things. But it just really isn't relevant to the problem right now, which is my dh.All it does is leave a massive trail over Mumsnet about who you are and anybody you know irl easily able to identify you.

But that's fine, because then you could just name change like you did for this post, right?

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 14/02/2021 11:30

Wow. Putting aside what really happened im not sure I could forgive him for damaging your relationship with your brother for five sodding years.

especially as it's clear you have a close and open relationship with your family. You couldn't see him in the same light for five years. He fucked with that to save a friend? Doesn't make sense.

Bloodypunkrockers · 14/02/2021 11:30

So much drama

Be like Elsa

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 11:30

HAHAHA

my post was deleted

I am sorry I touched a nerve there Wink

SteveBrexit · 14/02/2021 11:31

I don't believe it is prerequisite that you sleep with a prostitute if you go on a stag do to Amsterdam.

apparently you are wrong. According to some posters, it IS!

but anywhere else in the world is safe. Grin

Biancadelrioisback · 14/02/2021 11:32

I love how many people don't trust their husbands/boyfriends to go to Amsterdam without a female chaperone.
Oh, and anyone who does is a 'cool wife'. I also love how we are allowed to beat women with this stick until they become twisted and suspicious of their partners.

Fwiw, for most of my professional life, I was an events manager and regularly used to organise abroad stag and hen dos. Amsterdam is one of the most popular destinations for both men and women.

Maves · 14/02/2021 11:34

Ok following the update on the WhatsApp with bro....if they were all there together surely something would have got mentioned at the time and when op asked her bro why didn't he say "wtf that was xxxx" seems strange I don't think it was her husband as don't think bro would cover.

purplecorkheart · 14/02/2021 11:35

I am sorry op but I would find it very hard to forgive your dh for the damage that was caused with your db then and now.

I think if I was your db I would be very hurt that you believed your dh without asking me and now I would be hurt that you were gossiping about me behind my back.

Original poster
tigertubbie · 14/02/2021 11:36

Honestly, I think my db would tell me if it was my dh, especially after being thrown under the bus by dh for something he hadn't done.

It's now the friend from the dinner party who is apparently to blame. He and dh have been thick as thieves for years and I've had several issues with their friendship in the past - the friends refusal to grow up and the bad treatment of his partner who was one of my good friends too.

I don't know why, and maybe this is a bit abnormal or messed up, but I think if I even knew that my dh had in fact visited a prostitute five years ago, I can kind of just think meh, that's a proper shitty thing to do, but our lives have moved on since then. That I think I could live with - or just choose not to think about - for the sake of a happy life now.

But the whole concoction of a lie about my brother is the thing that bothers me the most. It's like a whole sneaky construction that involved someone 20 years younger than him to cover his/his friends tracks, with no regard for the consequences, that makes it worse than just a bit of fun in Amsterdam.

He still hasn't called him. He's now in the basement looking for decorating supplies - probably secretly calling his friend to warn him in case I tell his gf.

OP posts:
Bookwords · 14/02/2021 11:43

I don't know why, and maybe this is a bit abnormal or messed up, but I think if I even knew that my dh had in fact visited a prostitute five years ago, I can kind of just think meh, that's a proper shitty thing to do, but our lives have moved on since then. That I think I could live with - or just choose not to think about - for the sake of a happy life now.

How utterly weird, considering you're thoughts on your brother and how you thought less of him!

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