Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bookwords · 14/02/2021 07:57

I agree with this. I'd be forming the same conclusion after a month or so into a new relationship- that he just wasn't that into me if sex still wasn't on the cards. Obviously that's me and we're all different.

Me too, I'm don't get the withholding sex because he's failing in other areas.

It's withholding sex because your really not into him as a person?

So just finish it?

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 07:59

I was nodding along and then I saw how annoyed you are by him and how you’re not enjoying your interactions. Well, I assume you didn’t sleep with him so you could discover the above! Dump him.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 08:03

And as for some of the comments... I don’t have any particular view of women who have sex after a day. None of my business. But the OP is trying to draw her boundaries in a way that makes her comfortable. If she thinks someone has to ‘earn it’, that’s up to her. If she’s wary of having sex too ‘easily’ and ending up in a relationship with someone who cares more about the sex than they do about her, that is again up to her. Let her make her own judgements.

GappyValley · 14/02/2021 08:05

Surely if after 2 months, you are still trying to make intellectual arguments with yourself about when you might have sex, you’re just not that into him?

Every single long term serious relationship I’ve had has started with a strong physical attraction that meant we are at it like rabbits after 2 months. There should be a strong enough attraction that you both want to rip each other’s clothes off at this stage

And I’m pretty sure most of the ‘feeling valued’ feelings and deep meaningful conversations happened in the post-sex glow chat time..!

No great love story started with ‘well it took me a quarter of a year to decide if I fancied him enough to get naked...’

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 08:05

And from the later messages, he doesn’t consider you a girlfriend because you’re not having sex, and wants to reserve the privilege of being admitted into his physical presence for coffee and cake for a girlfriend, not a friend? Erm...

Planty13 · 14/02/2021 08:06

OP you’re suffering from internal misogyny. It’s fine to not want sex but your thought process behind your decision is odd. I don’t think he’s wrong to have brought it up, I’d be feeling weird if my new parter didn’t want sex.

Just split.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 08:06

*No great love story started with ‘well it took me a quarter of a year to decide if I fancied him enough to get naked...’

They certainly did! Not everyone wants sex in the early stages of a relationship.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 08:07

@GappyValley

Surely if after 2 months, you are still trying to make intellectual arguments with yourself about when you might have sex, you’re just not that into him?

Every single long term serious relationship I’ve had has started with a strong physical attraction that meant we are at it like rabbits after 2 months. There should be a strong enough attraction that you both want to rip each other’s clothes off at this stage

And I’m pretty sure most of the ‘feeling valued’ feelings and deep meaningful conversations happened in the post-sex glow chat time..!

No great love story started with ‘well it took me a quarter of a year to decide if I fancied him enough to get naked...’

I have to agree with this. It resonates for me too.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 08:09

@Missrhodes

I don’t think you’re wrong to wait for sex in the same way I wouldn’t think you would have been wrong to have sex on the first date. However, you can’t force a connection, it’s either there or it’s not, it very much sounds like it’s not there as you’re unsatisfied. Not having sex at this stage isn’t going to magically make a connection happen. I think you need to work on your self esteem before getting into any relationship.
Good luck op.

Rollmopsrule · 14/02/2021 08:10

I agree op. You have every right to wait and suss this guy out. I think you know something is off about him and him going on about sex is quite frankly off putting. I totally understand what you mean about that. He should put in the effort to get to know you and let things flow naturally. If he was really interested he would and that probably would have resulted I sex by now. I'd give him a miss and move on.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/02/2021 08:11

[b]When I say “deserve” I mean he has not put enough effort into getting to know me, building and establishing a relationship[/b]

If its been 2 months and you feel like this then just end it. It sounds like a pointless relationship and your not even getting a decent shag out of it!

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 08:13

Not sure there’s anything wrong with the OP’s self-esteem.

Hundreds of women on this site describe their relationships, living with, cooking and cleaning for some bloke who treats them with indifference, and I think, “How did you get there?” And it turns out they just drifted into them. What the OP is doing is taking her time and not getting too involved with a man who treats her with indifference unless she takes her clothes off. Good for her.

Shrivelled · 14/02/2021 08:13

If 8 weeks into a relationship you’re posting online telling strangers about how difficult things are then it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Whatever the reason, you’re not compatible and it’s not working.

bookshop1 · 14/02/2021 08:13

Bloody hrll it shouldn't be this hard 2 months in

Youre not compatible

Just break up with him

peak2021 · 14/02/2021 08:14

You have different expectations of relationships. Nothing wrong with that and ending the relationship then.

Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 08:16

I would find his persistent going on about it and hesitance to meet without it as so very unappealing. I get that as relationships progress it's a next step, and to talk about is fine, but if he is saying I won't do x as we aren't having sex, feels a bit grim. Perhaps you're just not in the same and place and not compatible, I would consider whether it's what you want to be honest. I don't think 2 months is that long to wait when you haven't seen eachother much and with everything else going on!

Benjispruce2 · 14/02/2021 08:17

Why bother?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 14/02/2021 08:21

I would absolutely not have gone on a second date with a guy that asked me how much I wanked after the first date. Sexual chemistry or not, I don't think this guy will ever value you in the way you want OP.

SimonJT · 14/02/2021 08:21

He sounds really creepy and sex pesty, he is also saying he will only value you if you have sex when he demands it.

He is making zero effort to get to know you or to form a relationship with you, he does not deserve your time.

SimonJT · 14/02/2021 08:24

No great love story started with ‘well it took me a quarter of a year to decide if I fancied him enough to get naked

They certainly can, not everyone gives someone they have met a few times access to their body.

Ithinkhedidit · 14/02/2021 08:25

This just isn't working OP. It's interesting you've said you've slept with blokes quite quickly in the past but not now. I think subconsciously you know he's not the one, you know he's only after sex and you know you're going to end up feeling crap about it. This withholding sex thing is a way you're trying to combat that. Thing is, you don't have to have sex with him at all. It's fine to date and walk away having not gone there. Him earning it through some probably insincere gesture won't change the fact you aren't very well suited and also won't stop him behaving poorly afterwards if that's what he's like. You're 2 months in and it all seems very angsty and you already sound resentful. It honestly doesn't need to be this hard.

Pyewhacket · 14/02/2021 08:28

I would stop playing games and wasting his time. If you are not interested in an adult relationship then say so and be done with it.

SunshineCake · 14/02/2021 08:29

Wanting to make it work sounds like it isn't flowing naturally and easily. Two months in it should all be lovely and exciting. Not all this angst. It shouldn't be this hard if it is right.

With dh it was great and easy from day one and we didn't sleep together for more than two months. Together 25 years. Exes that didn't work out were because of us needing different things. Nothing to do with sex.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 08:41

@Shrivelled

If 8 weeks into a relationship you’re posting online telling strangers about how difficult things are then it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Whatever the reason, you’re not compatible and it’s not working.

I agree. Two months in it's supposed to be all fresh and exciting, not such hard work as this.

SpeakingFranglais · 14/02/2021 08:42

@Bl3ss3dm0m

OP, I don't understand how hardly anyone else here has not mentioned the elephant in the room. We are in a pandemic. Two months ago you should not have been getting any nearer to this man than 2 metres, so no hand holding, no kissing, no fumbling, no sex. You should not be having this dilemma, because you should not be spending any time together, except for maybe a socially distanced walk in a park. Is it any wonder that so many people have caught Covid 19, with thousands dying from it, when some immature and selfish people cannot stick to the rules for a year, or two? You sound very young OP, but if you are old enough to be in a relationship then you should be old enough to follow some basic rules. As for ignoring the rules, it would have been the perfect time to use the Covid rules to your advantage, you could go for walks with him, with an excellent reason to not even touch, never mind have sex; you could have had long phone calls, lots of messengering (is that even a word), it was the perfect time to get to know each other without sex being an issue! Why did you not do that?
Pretty sure the OP said early on she was 30.