AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

@Pyewhacket

I would stop playing games and wasting his time. If you are not interested in an adult relationship then say so and be done with it.

How is not being ready to sleep with someone 'playing games'?

Yabu - for staying with him

Women (I presume, although it's feasible that it's men posing as women) telling a woman that she's unkind/not an adult/precious/not allowed to have boundaries about when she sleeps with someone and under what conditions is the most profoundly depressing thing I've read in a while.

The guy is free to end the relationship if he is unhappy.

@Missrhodes

We have great sexual chemistry. We have been intimate. I have just held back on sex because I felt like other areas of the relationship were lacking *@CSIblonde*

OP please read this comment back and pretend it wasn't you who wrote it. Bit weird don't you think?

This is a very unnatural way to look at a relationship.

If my partner was considering our relationship in such business like terms I'd run a mile because it seems like a short step to telling me I'm a "good girl".

What exactly is it you want him to do or say to prove his "honourable intentions" towards you? Does it need to he a PowerPoint SWAT presentation?

His references to sex obviously put you off (understandable) so what makes you think you're compatible anyway. Just give yourselves a break and call it a day.

Life and love shouldn't be this hard.

I used to think there was some magical formula for making things work.

There is not. You having sex with him or not having sex with him isn’t going to turn this into a good relationship with long term potential.

If you don’t feel he values you, move on. You can’t make him value you and treat you the way you want, no matter what you do.

Any decent guy I’ve dated always said they’re up for it early on, but they let the woman dictate the pace, and it’s when she’s ready.

Ds 27 went out with someone a couple of years ago who wouldn’t sleep with him for ages. He just waited and was patient as he liked her.

Not everyone wants to jump into bed on the first date. I don’t. I want to know someone first and feel confident of them. What’s the big deal? My body my choice. If they aren’t bothered or don’t want to wait they can walk as far as I’m concerned.

Her body, she chooses. He sounds a twat tbh. You can stay at someone’s house overnight without being able to think about shagging. He’s just putting pressure on you.

@Bookwords

I agree with this. I'd be forming the same conclusion after a month or so into a new relationship- that he just wasn't that into me if sex still wasn't on the cards. Obviously that's me and we're all different.

Me too, I'm don't get the withholding sex because he's failing in other areas.

It's withholding sex because your really not into him as a person?

So just finish it?

Talking about withholding something implies that the person has a right to it in the first place. Used in relation to sex, this is a really offensive idea.

No man has a right to sex. Anyone has a right to deny sex to. Another person. This isn't Gilead. Women don't have to he so grateful for a couple of dates with a man and some text messages that they should feel obliged to have sex with him. People can take as long as they like to decide whether or not they want to have sex.

Sheesh. What is wrong with some people?

I agree with cheddargorgeous ( great name!!)

@SimonJT

No great love story started with ‘well it took me a quarter of a year to decide if I fancied him enough to get naked

They certainly can, not everyone gives someone they have met a few times access to their body.

Describing sex as ‘access to their body’ has to be in the top 3 most disturbing things I’ve ever read on here

Let's put the whole sex thing to one side OP.

Do you enjoy being with him? Is he fun? Do you love his company? Is he kind? Does he go that extra mile for you with whatever? Cook for you? Call you to say he's thinking of you?

I think what's going on here is you are too serious about finding The One. You are thinking of your bio clock. And that is overriding your critical faculties.

If you were 20, I reckon you would have ditched him ages ago.

But you are putting him through some kind of 'screening test' because you want a long term relationship and are hanging on even though it's clear as crystal he's not right for you.

You sound desperate TBH. You are hanging on in there as you are 30.

Don't waste time and energy. He's not making you feel good about your self. Even if you'd had sex on Date 1 I think he'd still be the same.

Having sex or not having sex isn't going to change who he is or how he treats you.

OP, I agree with others that you need to tighten your boundaries.

Asking personal details about your life on date 2 isn't respectful, neither is 'oversharing' about sexual matters. TBH it sounds pervy to me.

If guys can't be respectful on date 1 then they aren't going to change by date 99.

'When people show you who they are - believe them'

Why haven't you dumped him? He sounds like an arsehole and you can't change that no matter how long you hold out having sex.

@richestoriches

I get you op. I waited three months before having sex with my now boyfriend because I wanted something more than just casual sex or a friends with benefits set up. I'm also 30. Men that are willing to wait are rare and it only works if they want the same thing and really like you. I explained I wanted to build a friendship as I think it's the basis of a good relationship. He agreed and six months in we are very happy, the sex is amazing, best I've ever had.

Again, this only worked because he really liked me and he wanted the same thing.

This guy isn't the one. Keep looking and you'll find him.

I think this is the sort of relationship you’re hoping for OP. I would be trusting your gut and moving on, this guy isn’t the one. Early relationships should be fun and joyful not awkward and pressurised.

There are two big issues here.

1.he's not for you. You keep saying you like him, but you actually don't. You just like who he could be if he changed a lot of things about him. That's never going to happen. He is who he is and that falls short of your standards. He sounds proper slimey too.Seriously,move on. It's pointless.

2.The way you view sex and relationships is not necessarily healthy. It might seem that way because "boundaries " and "waiting" and "wanting to make sure" but it won't protect you. It just leaves you vulnerable to men that are well versed in love bombing and future faking, which can be much more insidious, dangerous and damaging than the lazy blokes that make it obvious all they want is sex. All they have to do is fake it and pick up on your hints and requests.

In the future take it slow and if they don't give you what you need or make you feel how you want, move on. Don't draw them a fucking diagram that tells them exactly what makes you tick.

If you are having doubts this early on ,then maybe not the guy for you? If you meet someone and are really keen on them, 2 months nowadays seems a long time to me!Surely it should just happen spontaneously .I think it is unfair on him to stay over if sex isnt on the Agenda .I see that you have been hurt in the past but you cannot base future RL on past mistakes!

8 weeks of dating and maybe meaning someone 8 times does not mean you have to be comfortable at having sex with them. For me I have slept with people after a handful of dates and sleep with someone after a year.

Whatever anyone says, having sex with someone allowing them to touch the most intimate parts of you should be done when you are both there abs comfortable with the idea without one party bringing it up to get there.
2 months is not long.

And to be fair to you, 2 months during lockdown isn't as long as it seems. How many times have you actually seen each other or had a proper date/ nice and fun time spent together?

Sorry numerous typos but typing on a phone eg abs should be and etc ! Sorry my post doesn’t make a lot of sense. In summary don’t be pressured - if it doesn’t feel right or feels like he is pressuring you. Tell him to leave it up to you. Put a boundary in - it’s a good early test. If he stops and respects it - maybe it is worth carrying on.

How the hell have you managed to "date" him during lockdown ? You deserve better than this bloke, say goodbye and move onwards and upwards.

How is wanting to see effort in the form of quality time, phone calls, consistency etc hard to please? are these not just basic necessities when you start dating someone whom you claim to like?

The mistake you're making is asking about it, in a relationship of two months, presumably earlier.

Because you should no more have to ask for these things than you should have to ask for sex in an ideal world. My husband gave me all those things (after we got together by shagging after a night out), they weren't something I had to negotiate for.

We liked each other, ergo we wanted to spend more time together, and yes, have lots of sex too.

I'm not saying you have to have sex or spend lots of time together immediately. But honestly the thing that makes me cringe so hard for you is asking for dates, essentially, two months in. You're not wrong to want that, but I'm afraid you need a severe head wobble about investing so much angst in trying to make something work.

Almost no successful relationships require work in the early stages. The only one I know that did was as a result of his dad dying suddenly just after they got together.

No one can ”withhold” sex, because no one is entitled to sex.
That kind of thinking is so misogynistic and belong in the dark ages.

YANBU. Never have sex you don’t want and don’t let him pressure you. He sounds like a creep.

I would always wait at least a few months to get to know someone properly, even in normal times.

How are you seeing him though? Surely you can’t because of lockdown. I’d get rid though to be honest.

You seem to want to be sure that he sees you as a girlfriend/relationship before you have sex. He sounds like he wants you to have sex and then he'll decide if it becomes a relationship.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable but you don't seem suited. Plus if you do it "his way" and he decides he doesn't want a relationship after sex then you'll be hurt and disappointed - exactly what you were trying to avoid.

I've been called a prude on mumsnet before for saying this but I think it's a shame that casual sex has become so much the norm that those who want to build a relationship first are seen as abnormal and "withholding" because their dating partner expects early sex as part of dating.

Describing sex as ‘access to their body’ has to be in the top 3 most disturbing things I’ve ever read on here confused

Why? If he wants sex with her, he wants access to her body in order to have sex, no?

@YouShouldLeave

No one can ”withhold” sex, because no one is entitled to sex. That kind of thinking is so misogynistic and belong in the dark ages.

This!