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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
AubergineIsMyFavourite · 14/02/2021 04:58

His behaviour clearly makes you feel uncomfortable. It would me too.

Putting any pressure on someone else for sex is deeply unattractive. Sure, he might want it but you don’t. If he doesn’t want to go at your pace then he isn’t the right person for you.

Bin him. You deserve better.

londonscalling · 14/02/2021 05:24

Bearing in mind you've had sex with boyfriends previously, at this stage in a relationship, if you really liked him you'd be struggling to keep your hands off him.

He's not the one for you!

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2021 06:21

I don’t agree with your ideas about sex op
I had sex with my husband on our second date, didn’t stop us falling in love or building a stronger connection.

It seems like you’re insecure, you need to know you have value and if he can’t see it then it’s his loss. Sex is not an indication of value. You could have sex tomorrow with him and it might not work out, but you haven’t lost anything by doing it

Onadifferentuniverse · 14/02/2021 06:27

You need to step back and assess what you want.

I’m not sure where you came to the conclusion sex makes relationships not work from. I mean, look at this one. You’ve got the opposite reaction. I agree with him too, 2 months of dating is a bit more than a few dates. This part of dating is meant to be fun and full of learning about each other.

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/02/2021 06:29

@1forAll74

Do the man a favour, and let him find a woman who does not have to debate the fine art of relationships.
This man is perfectly free to irritate other women with his creepy sex talk - he doesn't consider the OP a girlfriend.

Whether he would be able to find another woman to put up with it without blocking him is another matter. Theres always a few who aren't that fussy.

No man has any "right" to sex, simply from spending some time with a woman.

Sally2791 · 14/02/2021 06:36

Feeling pressured is not a good sign. Sounds like you are not compatible, and he’s not going to make any more effort long term if you do have sex with him. Don’t prolong the inevitable, bin him off now.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 06:48

I can't believe people are telling e OP she "wants different things" simple because she hasn't jumped into bed with him immediately Hmm

Good for you for waiting OP sex should be with someone you trust to make it good and he sounds like he wants a human wank sock

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 06:49

YABU to think he doesn’t “deserve” it yet. Sex is a normal part of adult relationships. Not a treat to be earned for good behaviour.

Hmm

Nor is it a obligation just because someone turned up to a date and opened their mouth to speak

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 14/02/2021 07:04

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I wholeheartedly agree. Dating is an opportunity to get to know people in a light and enjoyable way and decide whether or not you want a serious or sexual relationship with them. Some people might include sex in that ‘getting to know you period’, some don’t. And that’s fine.

I dated numerous people over a couple of years. The thought of having sex with all of them would have been like having a series of slightly- longer-than-one-night-stands. I’d have felt quite used by the end of it I think.

OP, what you are doing is perfectly fine and the right thing for you. That’s important. The fact he is trying to put you under pressure though is wrong on all levels. He knows you want to wait and doesn’t respect your decision. On that one issue alone, you can do so much better.

Confusedandshaken · 14/02/2021 07:06

Why are you persisting with this relationship when it's not making you happy?

Neenan · 14/02/2021 07:07

I get you OP. If he had invited you round for Valentines and cooked dinner, talked to you about you, had fun and laughed with you and shared info about himself then you would feel he was interested in you.

I sense you don’t get any effort other than texting and suggestions of sex.

Ugh.

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 14/02/2021 07:11

@Neenan. Agree. He’s basically saying I will only treat you on Valentine’s Day if you have sex with me. Not a lot of romance there?

I’m sure he has lots of positive qualities OP but he doesn’t sound very nice.

MRex · 14/02/2021 07:13

@Confusedandshaken

Why are you persisting with this relationship when it's not making you happy?
This is the most important question for you OP. You aren't enjoying the friendship because it isn't romantic enough, you don't want sex, he's a bit sleazy (asking about masturbation street just one date!?), you don't feel able to be equal enough to all to see him when you want to and neither of you have sorted anything for Valentine's Day. This is 2 months in, the honeymoon period, the best it will ever be.... it's so depressing. There are ever so many men out there, just bin this one and try out another one instead. Don't stop swapping them out until you find neither of you are playing games or feeling unhappy, because you actually like each other.
CheddarGorgeous · 14/02/2021 07:15

He comes across as only interested in sex and that would put me off. I'd let this one go.

rwalker · 14/02/2021 07:20

Neither of you are wrong but it's could get to a point where it comes across as you are using sex as power making him jump through hoops and reward him with sex.
Your both different people end it

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/02/2021 07:28

You want different things, move on. Why are you wasting so much time on this?

minmooch · 14/02/2021 07:31

I think the issue is very simple:

This man is not making rough effort into getting to know you, talking with you, finding out about you. It seems like he just wants sex. I don't see why others are finding that hard to understand.

I would want a new man to show me he's interested in me, make the effort to get to know me as a person. It is difficult in these times however to go out and see early on if you have shared likes/dislikes with regards to food/drink/pubs/clubs/type of restaurants/hobbies etc.

I would not have wasted 2 months on someone who shows no interest in me other than talk about/try and convince me to have sex. Your gut instinct is telling you he is not right for you. Listen to this gut instinct and let this one go.

minmooch · 14/02/2021 07:32

enough effort not rough effort!

Bl3ss3dm0m · 14/02/2021 07:36

OP, I don't understand how hardly anyone else here has not mentioned the elephant in the room.
We are in a pandemic. Two months ago you should not have been getting any nearer to this man than 2 metres, so no hand holding, no kissing, no fumbling, no sex. You should not be having this dilemma, because you should not be spending any time together, except for maybe a socially distanced walk in a park. Is it any wonder that so many people have caught Covid 19, with thousands dying from it, when some immature and selfish people cannot stick to the rules for a year, or two? You sound very young OP, but if you are old enough to be in a relationship then you should be old enough to follow some basic rules. As for ignoring the rules, it would have been the perfect time to use the Covid rules to your advantage, you could go for walks with him, with an excellent reason to not even touch, never mind have sex; you could have had long phone calls, lots of messengering (is that even a word), it was the perfect time to get to know each other without sex being an issue! Why did you not do that?

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 07:43

And I also don't agree with your point that his view is valid or right. Free and easy sex? In what world??

I find this perspective so odd. How is his point of view invalid because sex is on his mind 2 months into a relationship? It would be on my mind after 2 weeks (never mind months), and I'm female. Does that make my approach invalid, and does it mean I'm expecting "free and easy" sex? As opposed to what, sex I have to work hard and pay for? 🤔

I just find this a very odd concept. Two people have sex because they're mutually attracted to each other and want to explore the physical side of their connection - that doesn't mean anyone is "expecting free and easy sex" (whatever that means), it just means there's a reciprocal desire and it's acted upon.

In this case, clearly, the desire of one party isn't reciprocated by the other, which makes it a non starter. That's fine too - both the OP's and the man she's referring to have perfectly "valid" viewpoints and approaches - they just aren't compatible with one another.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 07:47

I can't believe people are telling e OP she "wants different things" simple because she hasn't jumped into bed with him immediately

She does though. Which is perfectly her right and entirely valid. But the fact remains that she does not want sex at this time, and he does. These are competing wants/desires. Therefore - she wants something different to what he wants. I see nothing offensive or wrong in pointing that out.

joystir59 · 14/02/2021 07:47

He just wants sex. He made that much clear at the beginning asking about your masturbation habits. He has carried on seeing you because you ARE 'bring intimate' enough to get him off. This does not at all sound like a normal healthy relationship.

Isthisit22 · 14/02/2021 07:51

@Confusedandshaken

Why are you persisting with this relationship when it's not making you happy?
Completely agree with this. The relationship seems to have turned into a negotiation for sex. He should not be pestering you like this and he clearly doesn't like you enough to think of you as girlfriend. In turn, this has made you look for mythical 'signs' like whether he does certain things. Ridiculous after 2 months. Move on and stop wasting your time.
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 07:53

@CSIblonde

Most men would prob give it a month , max, with an explanation re trust issues or crappy past relationship, but any longer & they'd see it as you just don't fancy them & move on. It doesn't sound like you fancy him, it sounds like sex is your bargaining chip & a reward. If you did fancy him, id say a month in & most new couples who had sexual chemistry would be sleeping together.

I agree with this. I'd be forming the same conclusion after a month or so into a new relationship- that he just wasn't that into me if sex still wasn't on the cards. Obviously that's me and we're all different.

ScrapThatThen · 14/02/2021 07:57

You seem to be getting trapped in romance tropes or dating games. Have sex and intimacy if you want it, with who you want it, don't if you don't. But focus on do you enjoy his company, is the chemistry there, do your values align. Keep your focus on you, allow him to be him, and take it from there. You don't owe him anything and sex isn't a one off transaction except in cultures where women are treated as commodities and have no agency.