Page 7 | AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

Missrhodes · 2021-02-13T22:17:54+00:00

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

PerveenMistry · 14/02/2021 02:48

Two months is nothing despite what all the first-date fuckers will say.

Bin this pest and move on.

Jollygoodtime · 14/02/2021 02:58

I don’t think you’re compatible. I think if you had a good feeling about him, two months in you’d probably have ripped his clothes off! Nothing wrong with not doing that only you don’t seem that into him anyway and he sounds like he is just pressuring you. If he’s showing his true colours at two months now, run before you fall in love. I have a theory and I hope this doesn’t sound horrible but I don’t know if he’d even bother if not on lockdown. If the sex is number 1 to him you might not be the only place he’s trying to get it from. I only say that to make you think, is it worth it?

Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:04

@Jollygoodtime

I don’t think you’re compatible. I think if you had a good feeling about him, two months in you’d probably have ripped his clothes off! Nothing wrong with not doing that only you don’t seem that into him anyway and he sounds like he is just pressuring you. If he’s showing his true colours at two months now, run before you fall in love. I have a theory and I hope this doesn’t sound horrible but I don’t know if he’d even bother if not on lockdown. If the sex is number 1 to him you might not be the only place he’s trying to get it from. I only say that to make you think, is it worth it?

I have been somewhat intimate with him because I do like him, I just haven’t had sex because I want to be sure it’s more than that. It doesn’t seem like he is getting it elsewhere otherwise I don’t think he’d that pressed for sex IMO. He has great qualities and I do believe he is a good man, just probably not compatible like you say @Jollygoodtime

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roastpotatoesss · 14/02/2021 03:15

YABU for continuing to date a man who is obviously a creep.
YABU to frame sex as a bargaining chip the way you have done throughout this thread.
YANBU to not sleep with someone you don’t feel comfortable doing so with.
YADBU for expecting some sort of Valentines gesture from a man who has yet to show the sort of love language you need and who you clearly aren’t compatible with.

Honestly, you’re obviously not compatible (for many reasons)- it’s completely valid to want to feel valued in whichever way you want, this guy clearly isn’t going to give you that so why waste your time? It’s not fair to you or him- dump and move on!

Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:16

@GreenlandTheMovie

Since when did getting to know someone better over the space of 2 months turn into "withholding sex"?

@GreenlandTheMovie he may no longer be interested in getting to know after having sex so quickly. without sex involved, he has to get to know me and I have more of a chance of being taken seriously. I want a foundation that’s built on more than just sex

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Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:18

@roastpotatoesss

YABU for continuing to date a man who is obviously a creep. YABU to frame sex as a bargaining chip the way you have done throughout this thread. YANBU to not sleep with someone you don’t feel comfortable doing so with. YADBU for expecting some sort of Valentines gesture from a man who has yet to show the sort of love language you need and who you clearly aren’t compatible with.

Honestly, you’re obviously not compatible (for many reasons)- it’s completely valid to want to feel valued in whichever way you want, this guy clearly isn’t going to give you that so why waste your time? It’s not fair to you or him- dump and move on!

So then he doesn’t like me and I’m right to not sleep with him then! @roastpotatoesss

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roastpotatoesss · 14/02/2021 03:20

Not that I think it applies with regards to this particular man (as I’ve said- not compatible, please move on), but in general... it’s perfectly possible to build a foundation beyond sex in a relationship even if you have sex on the first date. And as others have said, you can wait as long as you like to do the deed and people can still decide the relationship is not for them- it’s not a guarantee.

The right man can show you respect and get to know you on a deeper level even with sex involved.

roastpotatoesss · 14/02/2021 03:24

Also yes you’ve not slept with what is obviously the wrong man- well done. You’ve also invested quite a lot of emotional energy and practical effort into the wrong man- is that any better or worse than not having had sex with him? I’m not sure.

Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:25

@roastpotatoesss

Not that I think it applies with regards to this particular man (as I’ve said- not compatible, please move on), but in general... it’s perfectly possible to build a foundation beyond sex in a relationship even if you have sex on the first date. And as others have said, you can wait as long as you like to do the deed and people can still decide the relationship is not for them- it’s not a guarantee.

The right man can show you respect and get to know you on a deeper level even with sex involved.

@roastpotatoesss I think it’s just an insecurity of mine and doubt in men and perhaps my self that that’s likely to happen. I seem to think you should build the lust and get a man to desire you before sleeping with them - for the best possible long term results. But yeah thanks for your feedback

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Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:26

@roastpotatoesss also you’re right it’s not a guarantee, but I won’t feel as bad as if I had slept with him quickly. Of course things don’t always work out but intention is what I would be looking at

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CSIblonde · 14/02/2021 03:29

Most men would prob give it a month , max, with an explanation re trust issues or crappy past relationship, but any longer & they'd see it as you just don't fancy them & move on. It doesn't sound like you fancy him, it sounds like sex is your bargaining chip & a reward. If you did fancy him, id say a month in & most new couples who had sexual chemistry would be sleeping together.

Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:36

@CSIblonde

Most men would prob give it a month , max, with an explanation re trust issues or crappy past relationship, but any longer & they'd see it as you just don't fancy them & move on. It doesn't sound like you fancy him, it sounds like sex is your bargaining chip & a reward. If you did fancy him, id say a month in & most new couples who had sexual chemistry would be sleeping together.

Why wouldn’t I fancy him. I’m putting energy into him everywhere other than sex because it’s a big deal to me but this is the only thing that is so important and determines my interest in him? Every man wants to have sex it’s hardly flattering or makes me feel special. I want connection and need connection to even enjoy the sex! My intentions aren’t to use it as a bargaining tool and it’s a shame it’s coming across that way. How does one be sure a mans interest in you is beyond sex then without removing it from the equation? @CSIblonde

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Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:39

We have great sexual chemistry. We have been intimate. I have just held back on sex because I felt like other areas of the relationship were lacking @CSIblonde

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Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2021 03:47

It sounds as if you’ve done an enormous amount for him and this hasn’t been reciprocated. The reciprocation seems so poor that he doesn’t even care you don’t like communicating via text. You have compromised so much that I’m not surprised you’re dubious about sleeping with him now. He’s making zero effort for you. You’re not his girlfriend after all. In your shoes, I’d be asking myself if he’s looking for or has started something with someone else. You’re not his girlfriend. He’s made that clear. Ergo he’s free to go on other dates. Clearly for him, sex is a big deal but the biggest red flag in all of this is that he thought it appropriate to ask you how often you masturbated on your first date. That’s cringeworthy and should have been a no no from the off. And how dare he try to bully you into sex by sending you a YouTube video.

daisychain01 · 14/02/2021 03:52

I think you're in danger of going off the boil, through over-analysing the situation, OP. The more you think about it and churn things over in your mind about why you want him to behave in a certain way, the greater your disappointment will be when he doesn't act as you expect.

IMO you need to walk away from him, because the paralysis by analysis is because he isn't right for you and never will be. It should never be this hard, it should slot together naturally and it just isn't.

daisychain01 · 14/02/2021 03:56

Definitely forget Valentines Day, that's a complete red herring! It's just an irrelevant day made up by Hallmark to sell cards and balloons. You're an adult looking for a mature relationship, you won't find it like that.

And what happens if he thinks "I know, I'll send @Missrhodes a card, that'll open her legs".

See what I mean? Crazy thinking isn't it. Do you really want to end up feeling duped when it all goes badly wrong!?

Original poster

Missrhodes · 14/02/2021 03:59

@daisychain01

Definitely forget Valentines Day, that's a complete red herring! It's just an irrelevant day made up by Hallmark to sell cards and balloons. You're an adult looking for a mature relationship, you won't find it like that.

And what happens if he thinks "I know, I'll send @Missrhodes a card, that'll open her legs".

See what I mean? Crazy thinking isn't it. Do you really want to end up feeling duped when it all goes badly wrong!?

It just shows lack of effort from him again @daisychain01 an invite round would suffice. But yeah totally see the other perspective. Thanks for your advice! X

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daisychain01 · 14/02/2021 04:03

He asked me how often I masturbated after our first date. He sent me a YouTube video of a relationship coach giving his opinion to a caller who was also discussing holding back on sex, and the coaches advice was obviously in his favour. He makes jokes about the fact that we’re not having sex. It just makes me feel under pressure.

Jeez @Missrhodes I just picked up on your earlier post. That's totally unacceptable. Please ditch this vile arsehole. No wonder your spider senses are tingling. When it's all over you'll be really glad you listened to your gut instinct. It will never get better, I can tell you that for certain.

YouKnowItsTrue · 14/02/2021 04:12

It’s about how you feel. You’re not feeling it so is it time to move on? Only you will know that.

alexdgr8 · 14/02/2021 04:16

being intimate sounds risky to me, if you don't intend to do what he wants. he will feel resentful, as if you are misleading him.
he's not for you anyway; you can't make anyone behave the way you want them to. just recognise he's not for you. throw him back into the pool. plenty more fish etc.
i don't understand why you are continuing to agonise over this.
do you over-analyse every area of your life.
just move on. you are wasting your life.

Tartyflette · 14/02/2021 04:29

If someone asked me on a first date how often I masturbated there definitely would not be a second date.
Red flag > sex pest.

Bookwords · 14/02/2021 04:37

The relationship is a complete waste of time and effort!

TheCrowening · 14/02/2021 04:45

@Missrhodes

We have great sexual chemistry. We have been intimate. I have just held back on sex because I felt like other areas of the relationship were lacking *@CSIblonde*

Holding back on sex isn’t going to make those other areas fall into place. If he’s not giving you what you want, move on to someone who does.

Iwonder08 · 14/02/2021 04:45

People keep mentioning red flags.. OP, you mentioned you've been intimate, but didn't have sex. You also suggested you should spend the night, which he declined because you don't want to have sex. From his point of view you are just teasing him.
OP, you clearly not a virgin, it doesn't sound like you have relgious reasons not to be physical. You absolutely right not to have sex if you don't want to whatever reasons you have, however I personally think your attitude to sex is very strange. It shouldn't be something he 'deserves' or you allow. You also think somehow that if you have sex too early he won't make an effort after. I would suggest you need a therapy to understand if you are indeed picking men of a certain type or you need to work on your self esteem and confidence

garlicwhorl · 14/02/2021 04:45

How old are you OP?