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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 11:34

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows you have perhaps one of the most disturbing attitudes towards sex I have ever heard, some of your comments seem borderline marriage rape supporting? Am I misunderstanding what you’re trying to say, but all this talk of “earned” seem to remove female consent and suggest that if a man jumps through hoops he is automatically entitled to sex?? If any man ever thought he was doing things that were earning him sexual favours or meaning he was deserving them, I would dump and run a million miles.

When is the right time to have sex? When BOTH PARTIES WANT TO. Not when the man has “earned” it, that’s disgusting and vile.

SimonJT · 14/02/2021 11:34

@AStudyinPink

Describing sex as ‘access to their body’ has to be in the top 3 most disturbing things I’ve ever read on here confused

Why? If he wants sex with her, he wants access to her body in order to have sex, no?

Crazy isn’t it, I’m genuinely shocked at how many people think going on a date with someone gives them rights over that persons body.
Rupertbeartrousers · 14/02/2021 11:34

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I agree with cheddargorgeous ( great name!!)
Me too
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 11:34

@BertramLacey

So what do you call something that you get without earning, deserving or putting any effort into?

I don't view anything as either a right or something you earn. It's a very, very odd, binary way of viewing anything. Why is it either an entitlement or earned? It's such an odd way to view the world I can't get my head around it at all.

My OH doesn't 'earn' sex with me, nor is he entitled to it. It's something we both enjoy and want. It's not like I tot up how many episodes of my favourite TV show he's watched and how much ironing he's done before I'll have sex with him. And neither of us is entitled to the other's body. If we both want sex, then it is freely given. It is freely given or it doesn't happen at all.

Yes! This. Exactly what I was trying to say.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 11:35

@LouJ85 bloody autocorrect - "it" should have said "not" 🤦🏼‍♀️ and I need to proof read my posts more often

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 11:37

Crazy isn’t it, I’m genuinely shocked at how many people think going on a date with someone gives them rights over that persons body.

Completely.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 11:38

It's such an odd way to view the world I can't get my head around it at all.

I strongly suspect you can get your head round it.

I'm not sure if it's third wave feminism is to blame or naivety but women are wrong if they think they have equal power going into a sexual relationship - wether it's in a relationship or ONS. I'm amazed women think they can afford to allow men to think they shouldn't earn the right, or the trust, to sex, and then have good, safe sex.

Rupertbeartrousers · 14/02/2021 11:38

@ilovepuppies2019

I haven't read the full thread but I'm been disturbed by many of the responses on here. OP please don't have sex with any person until you would like to. Many people don't want to have sex with a partner unless they feel emotionally close to that person. I read your post as simply saying that you don't feel emotionally close to him because he hasn't wanted to spend time with you hence you don't want to have sex to him. This is perfectly normal to me. It's frightening to read so many responses making it clear that people in relationships have sex so that's something that you should do regardless of whether he's invested effort in spending time with you. Sex is not an entitlement, it's an outcome of feeling close with a person. In many threads women describes their husbands as sulking over not getting sex and not putting in effort in terms of their share of the housework but wanting sex. Most women are told that it's normal that they wouldn't want sex because their husband's actions are creating an emotional barrier between them. If he wanted sex then he would invest in an emotional closeness with the poster by recognising her feelings and doing more things around the house. This is the same thing. The 'effort' that you're asking for OP is wanting to feel comfortable and close to him. If he can't be bothered trying to make you feel that way then why should you sleep with him? He's NOT entitled to sex just because you're dating and you're around and your a women Hmm I don't know if you've been in lockdown but if you want then how often have you seen this man in 2 months? Only a few times? It's fine for this to not be long enough for you to feel close and comfortable. Take as much time as you need although obviously he may decide that this is too long and leave. His choice although if he does make this choice then it might be for the best as you weren't likely to be compatible. Good luck in your relationship.
Great post
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 11:38

I once met a bloke who said he had ONS because "it was better than going home for a wank". I think women really underestimate just how many men have this mentality

Do you think all women underestimate this? Or is it not possible that some women equally view a ONS as better than going home "for a wank" themselves? In other words - rather than naively going into a ONS thinking "I'm sure he loves and worships me after a few hours chatting to me"... perhaps some women know full well he doesn't, but that's ok because they don't feel that way towards him either. From an equal footing, often, they too just want some no strings sex.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 11:39

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@LouJ85 bloody autocorrect - "it" should have said "not" 🤦🏼‍♀️ and I need to proof read my posts more often[/quote]

No worries! Smile

Rupertbeartrousers · 14/02/2021 11:40

@notprofessionallyoffended

Honestly, *@Missrhodes*, the more you post, the more I think you should break up with him.

I think you don't want to sleep with someone until you're sure they're not going to bin you off immediately afterwards. You can't guarantee the future, but you want to go into things with good odds. I don't think your approach is a bad one. I have a similar attitude when it comes to sex - I don't expect a marriage proposal, but I don't sleep with men unless I think we have a possible long-term future together.

Something about him makes you think he's not going to respect you after sex. You haven't fully articulated it, but equally, you are holding back from sleeping with him. I think that's the relevant bit.

Always trust your instinct. Us women are so perceptive, which is what gives us this warning signal - it's based on the words men say, their tone, their body language - lots of things you may not have consciously seen and therefore cannot describe in this thread. When we make bad decisions, it's usually because we've ignored our gut.

Your gut is saying not to sleep with him. Of course, he's trying to talk you into sleeping with him. But I think your gut knows that this is not the sort of match you are comfortable with.

You met him at university, so you sort of know who he is. And yet, that's not enough for you to trust him. There's something holding you back, maybe stories you haven't told us, but maybe just his body language, which might have shown some kind of insincerity.

Whatever you do, don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't feel you should. There's usually a pretty good reason why you didn't want to in the first place.

And this
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 11:41

@LouJ85 to quote Germaine Greer, I think women don't realise just how much men hate them. I think a lot of women think a man having sex with a woman doesn't mean he's a misogynist. I also think (know!) men have a lot less respect for women regarding sex than women do for men.

Disclaimer: I talk of men as a class, yes I know NAMALT

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 11:43

Ask yourself this - how many one night stands have resulted in men ensuring YOU orgasm before or after they do? And how many have you had where he rolls over after orgasming, effectively declaring the sex done with because he's had his desired pleasure? Yes this happens in relation too I know.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 11:43

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@LouJ85 to quote Germaine Greer, I think women don't realise just how much men hate them. I think a lot of women think a man having sex with a woman doesn't mean he's a misogynist. I also think (know!) men have a lot less respect for women regarding sex than women do for men.

Disclaimer: I talk of men as a class, yes I know NAMALT[/quote]

Ok well... that's where our views vastly differ and we will agree to disagree. That's ok though! We're all different after all.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 11:45

Ask yourself this - how many one night stands have resulted in men ensuring YOU orgasm before or after they do?

Without this becoming about my own sex life because that very personal and hugely derailing... my answer to this is, most if not all of my ONSs.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 11:47

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Ask yourself this - how many one night stands have resulted in men ensuring YOU orgasm before or after they do? And how many have you had where he rolls over after orgasming, effectively declaring the sex done with because he's had his desired pleasure? Yes this happens in relation too I know.
Sounds like someone has read a lot of theory and not actually done much fucking 😂
SkiingIsHeaven · 14/02/2021 11:49

Let the poor man go. Let him find someone that really wants him. Poor bloke.

BibbityBobbety · 14/02/2021 11:50

@AStudyinPink

If you don't have insecurities and baggage and an emotionally avoidant/fearful personality, you can figure out pretty quickly from date 1, if someone is making you feel comfortable or not. You don't have to jump into bed with them immediately but everything does flow VERY smoothly. There's no doubt, anxiety or uncertainty,you both respect each other and want the same things. And it progresses naturally and effortlessly. That is the 'right' person for you. It may not mean long term compatibility but it means you have the basics to start a relationship.

Unfortunately a lot of people have not honed these instincts, as they're so buried under all their emotional traumas - but don't even realise it. There is a reason some people find it easier to get into relationships without drama than others - and also know when to get out without all this second guessing and analysing. The OP is a prime example of someone who hasn't learned to listen to instincts and is trying to apply a rule book to decide if a guy is right or not - except you can't. You can't predict how a man will behave or what his intentions are based on a formula or rules - that's why it's important for women to be confident about their needs and wants, and equally confident about asking for it, and walking away when not met.

CorianderBee · 14/02/2021 11:51

There's a lot to unpack here.

It sounds like you're waiting for his to earn sex but to earn that he needs to give you more time together, but he's responded to your demands by saying that only girlfriends get more time and girlfriends also have sex. Neither of you can win because the other has a demand you're not willing to supply.

You're in a game of relationship chicken and that's really tucked up. Ditch him.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 11:54

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@LouJ85 to quote Germaine Greer, I think women don't realise just how much men hate them. I think a lot of women think a man having sex with a woman doesn't mean he's a misogynist. I also think (know!) men have a lot less respect for women regarding sex than women do for men.

Disclaimer: I talk of men as a class, yes I know NAMALT[/quote]
I agree with you there , but this isn't just an academic discussion is it?

The issue is that OP is using sex as a protection mechanism. To weed out "the bad from the good". It's obvious it's not working as this guy is no good and she still is with him. How easy would it be to fake what she wants, particularly with OP spelling it out for him? He'd still be an ("undeserving ") asshole.

It shouldn't be "does he deserve sex" but "does he give me what I need" , if the answer is no then move on, not hang around and withhold sex as some kind of prize if he changes. They never do.

OP's position on sex and relationships is pretty risky and not just emotionally.

Hadjab · 14/02/2021 11:54

He asked me how often I masturbated after our first date. He sent me a YouTube video of a relationship coach giving his opinion to a caller who was also discussing holding back on sex, and the coaches advice was obviously in his favour. He makes jokes about the fact that we’re not having sex. It just makes me feel under pressure. There’s more but that’s what comes to the front of my mind

If this is making you uncomfortable, why are you persisting in setting standards when he’s already failed miserably? Why not walk away and find someone who reaches your standards from day one?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/02/2021 11:57

He asked me how often I masturbated after our first date

Yuk. Like you do on a first date. I’d have walked away then. It’s kinda creepy,

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 12:01

If you don't have insecurities and baggage and an emotionally avoidant/fearful personality, you can figure out pretty quickly from date 1, if someone is making you feel comfortable or not. You don't have to jump into bed with them immediately but everything does flow VERY smoothly. There's no doubt, anxiety or uncertainty,you both respect each other and want the same things. And it progresses naturally and effortlessly. That is the 'right' person for you. It may not mean long term compatibility but it means you have the basics to start a relationship.

I am incredulous that anyone would have the gall to speak for every other person like this. How many people do you know, anyway, with no insecurities? Bizarre.

BeakyWinder · 14/02/2021 12:03

I find women calling themselves wank socks and viewing sex as giving their body to a man very different to my own view. I'm trying to phrase this very neutrally as every woman has a different history with sex which is not always positive and I respect that.

I view it as a chance to share an intimate experience that should satisfy both people. Being respectful and enjoying eachother. No ownership, being used for someone else's pleasure, giving up rights or sacrificing a part of yourself or any of that. I'm very sad and sorry women are made to feel that way by some men Flowers and grateful that has not been my experience.

CorianderBee · 14/02/2021 12:05

OP - why on Earth have you stuck around when he's pressuring you and asked you how often you masturbate?

He's failed your tests, miserably. Why are you staying?