AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

I haven't read the full thread but I'm been disturbed by many of the responses on here. OP please don't have sex with any person until you would like to. Many people don't want to have sex with a partner unless they feel emotionally close to that person. I read your post as simply saying that you don't feel emotionally close to him because he hasn't wanted to spend time with you hence you don't want to have sex to him. This is perfectly normal to me. It's frightening to read so many responses making it clear that people in relationships have sex so that's something that you should do regardless of whether he's invested effort in spending time with you. Sex is not an entitlement, it's an outcome of feeling close with a person. In many threads women describes their husbands as sulking over not getting sex and not putting in effort in terms of their share of the housework but wanting sex. Most women are told that it's normal that they wouldn't want sex because their husband's actions are creating an emotional barrier between them. If he wanted sex then he would invest in an emotional closeness with the poster by recognising her feelings and doing more things around the house. This is the same thing. The 'effort' that you're asking for OP is wanting to feel comfortable and close to him. If he can't be bothered trying to make you feel that way then why should you sleep with him? He's NOT entitled to sex just because you're dating and you're around and your a women I don't know if you've been in lockdown but if you want then how often have you seen this man in 2 months? Only a few times? It's fine for this to not be long enough for you to feel close and comfortable. Take as much time as you need although obviously he may decide that this is too long and leave. His choice although if he does make this choice then it might be for the best as you weren't likely to be compatible. Good luck in your relationship.

You've really got to aim higher than men like this OP.

*Some of you are saying

“ Yeah sure, women have bodily autonomy. But only until it involves saying no to a man - that’s the limit of their rights. Then his right to use her body is more important and she must comply “.

It’s very very disturbing.*

Who has said this?

I really don’t go with this “ withhold sex so they stick around “

Some men will date for months then ghost after they get what they want , some people marry their one night stand

My last serious relationship followed on from sex on the first date

People either want relationships with someone or they don’t . It’s ok to want sex

I agree with Coral.

Why would l want a guy’s dick inside me, unless l chose to?

Ugh no thanks.

People either want relationships with someone or they don’t . It’s ok to want sex

Of course it is. And it’s also ok not to want sex until you feel emotionally safe.

If you think he is only with you for sex and your not interested in that then why not just dump him? It’s a very easy answer really.

Trust takes a very long time to establish really. If you want until there is trust before having sex you will both be waiting a very long time. Trust is not something that’s just given, it’s shown, when things go wrong or situations arise. Situations don’t just arise from nowhere in one go, that’s something that naturally happens over time.

Just dump him.

Trust your gut OP.

Bin.

People either want relationships with someone or they don’t . It’s ok to want sex

This. It's ok to want it, it's equally ok to not want it. Neither person is "wrong". Their desires are just incompatible.

@LouJ85

*Some of you are saying

“ Yeah sure, women have bodily autonomy. But only until it involves saying no to a man - that’s the limit of their rights. Then his right to use her body is more important and she must comply “.

It’s very very disturbing.*

Who has said this?

Every other person on the thread. All the ones saying he shouldn't have to deserve sex in order to have sex with her.

To clarify to everyone - not having to deserve or earn something before you get it means you're entitled to it. Meaning many on this thread think she's entitled to sex presumably because

1. He wants it, and
2. He showed up to a date

In the beginning - shouldnt it be that you cant keep your hands off each other?

@Changemaname1

I really don’t go with this “ withhold sex so they stick around “

Some men will date for months then ghost after they get what they want , some people marry their one night stand

My last serious relationship followed on from sex on the first date

People either want relationships with someone or they don’t . It’s ok to want sex

It's also ok to say you want to get to know someone before having sex.

Ghosting after making them wait 2 months, or even 6 months isn't an inevitability. Most women could gauge by then if she feels she trusts him. And if he does ghost her then he certainly wasn't gonna stick around if she slept with him on the first or second date

If sex isn't something someone earns then it must be an entitlement, yes?

Well that's an early and strong contender for 'weirdest false dichotomy of the year'. So much so I think the others might as well give in and cede victory.

@BertramLacey

If sex isn't something someone earns then it must be an entitlement, yes?

Well that's an early and strong contender for 'weirdest false dichotomy of the year'. So much so I think the others might as well give in and cede victory.

So what do you call something that you get without earning, deserving or putting any effort into?

But it's really not about sex. You're overthinking it all.
Sex has become an issue because the REST of this 'relationship' isn't working.

It's about the fact he doesn't float your boat and make you feel valued and special.

If he did, you'd be having sex all of the time!

Stop trying to force something that isn't going to happen.

He's not for you. Just end it. Plenty more men out there.

Every other person on the thread. All the ones saying he shouldn't have to deserve sex in order to have sex with her.

I don't think this is the same as saying "it's his right to use her body against her wishes" - I'm not sure anyone has said anything remotely close to this.

How I've interpreted what people have said is that it's odd to conceptualise sex as something that is "deserved" by either party - it's just something that both parties either want to do or not. If one party doesn't - of course that's absolutely OK and no one should feel forced! But it equally doesn't make the other party who does want sex wrong. It just makes the two incompatible.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

All that anyone is saying is that she's setting up weird thresholds for sex when it plainly isn't working, and is indeed making her bodily autonomy a weird pawn in their "relationship

Ensuring that she trusts him is not a "weird threshold".

You can tell we live in a patriarchy when people think that women's bodily autonomy can be "used as a pawn".

OK, let me explain further.

I consider it a "weird threshold" purely on the grounds that it has been discussed as a threshold. OP clearly says that she has discussed with him that she wants more time together before having sex. He equally clearly states that he only gets that personally intimate after sex. (if you, for some reason as OP has, ignore all the weird sexual pressure, than this is a perfectly normal perspective, though not one everyone has to share).

Neither will move on their own thresholds, so they revert to texting. OP hoping that he'll give her the time she wants, her date hoping that she'll give him the sex she wants. Both of them knowing the criteria, neither of them acting to meet it. Again, perfectly reasonable on both sides. Whether or not either of them is an idiot or a dick for doing so, they're equally entitled to be a dick or an idiot. What neither of them are entitled to do is expect the other to change their boundaries.

But bizarrely, they are persisting, knowing the clearly expressed thresholds on both sides.

That is what is weird. At the point of that conversation happening, either they move forward to meet each other's needs or they agree to halt.

How is that saying she should have sex with him? I'm not. No one is. They are saying that her methods for determining when she should are screwed. And that she should split up with this guy, not that they're in a relationship anyway.

(and that's all trying to ignore that she's trying to get a creepy weirdo to love her)

I actually wish more people would see sex as something a partner deserves to have. I think it's a great concept personally 🤷‍♀️

I see what you were trying to do, however, instead of naturally taking things slow it has turned into a bit of a catch 22/stalemate - he feels you can't progress the relationship without sex, you want the relationship to progress before sex. I think you need to call it a day on this one, you are always going to have an awkward vibe around sex after this.

If this is a dealbreaker for you, maybe work on how to communicate it better next time so doesn't become a stalemate so quickly?

Personally, I wouldn't go into a celibate relationship, knowing I had to pass certain tests to get to a physical relationship, but there must be men out there who will. Good luck.

Trust takes a very long time to establish really. If you want until there is trust before having sex you will both be waiting a very long time.

So?

It’s your body op. What you do with it is your choice

Having said that ime if you’re attracted to someone it’s natural to feel like you really want to ( even if you chose not to)

It sounds like you’re not really into him.

To clarify to everyone - not having to deserve or earn something before you get it means you're entitled to it.

I suppose some of us just fundamentally don't view sexual relationships in this way. I might view my career more in this way - e.g. I get financially rewarded because I hard work - this is deserved and therefore I'm entitled to it. I don't view anything within a relationship in this way. I just view it as two people on an equal plane who are reciprocating affection, and are either into each other equally, or are not. If not, it's a non starter - that's fine. Plenty more fish etc. If on the same page, great. It's the concept of having to "earn" anything within a new relationship that I'm struggling with. Something is either there between two people and it evolves organically, or it doesn't.

Personally, I wouldn't go into a celibate relationship, knowing I had to pass certain tests to get to a physical relationship, but there must be men out there who will. Good luck

Even if the "certain test" was "gain trust"?

I find it very convenient that he can only progress a relationship once he's had sex. Funny that

I think most of the posts here are seriously missing the point.

The OP doesn't feel any emotional connection with this guy.

For whatever reason, she's hanging on in there and trying to force him to be something he can never be.

The posts about sex and whether someone deserves it, or whatever, are way off the mark.

It's not about that.

It's about someone being too scared to walk away and also have the self confidence to know they are worth more than this man offers emotionally.

Oh OP you're trying to make a bad thing work here. He's been upfront from the start he wants sex and needs it before he commits to you as a gf (which is fair enough btw - sex is an important determinant of relationship compatibility). You, however, want someone who's more into you and you share an emotional connection with before you have sex, which is also perfectly reasonable.

However, if he was the right person, the emotional connection and sex would just happen with no effort or nagging from either of you. With the right guy, from day 1, you feel at ease and comfortable and understand his intentions without all this analysing. And he would get someone who just had sex with him of her own accord, without him asking for it. You're trying to force the wrong guy to be Mr Right by getting him to tick boxes like spending time, getting you a V day card etc. He could do all those things, and you'd still never feel at ease because you know you're not really clicking. Sure, you're attracted to him and enjoy his company, but you have an instinct he isn't that into you and you're not on the same wavelength. Given his comments on masturbation so early on - you know he's not the sort who'll woo you into bed with romance.

So stop wasting your precious years on forcing something that has never been right. And find a man who shares the same opinion of dating and courtship rules that you do.