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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 10:03

Describing sex as ‘access to their body’ has to be in the top 3 most disturbing things I’ve ever read on here

I agree - strange turn of phrase.

IEat · 14/02/2021 10:06

You feel he doesn’t deserve sex... that’s a weird thing to say, you’re controlling him so he does what you want in the way you want him to . Not the way to behave IMO. If you don’t find him sexually attractive because of his actions move on so he can someone who does want him in that way

BertramLacey · 14/02/2021 10:09

How does one be sure a mans interest in you is beyond sex then without removing it from the equation?

Someone who sends you masturbation videos after your first date is only ever going to be interested in sex. You were onto a loser right from the get go and he flagged this up for you at the first opportunity.

Otherwise, it's a question of trust. For one thing actually men are often interested in many other things besides sex. Trust that if you find a good one, he'll be interested in you as a person. Trust in yourself that you have many good qualities that will attract him to you.

For me though sex is part and parcel of the emotional and physical intimacy that goes with a relationship. I cannot separate it out. It's not a question of 'withholding' it to see if someone still likes me, because for me it's important that we want to have sex with each other. And sure, we go through periods where one of us is less interested in it, because we're tired or emotionally spent in some way - but it comes back to the fact that I want to be with my partner and he with me, and that includes being physically intimate in many ways, including sex.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:11

I'm pretty disturbed to think it's out of order to expect someone to be deserving of sex. Does that mean you all thinks he's entitled to sex? If sex isn't something someone earns then it must be an entitlement, yes?

Have to say I'm pretty shocked that a forum that usually is full of people centering the feelings and bodily autonomy of women is so very critical about someone who wants to be in a position of trust with her partner before she has sex with him.

Is this down to the invasion of the MRA's?!

Roadtohades · 14/02/2021 10:12

Well, this relationship is going nowhere. I'd be surprised if they are still together this time next week. Time to move on, OP!

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:12

You feel he doesn’t deserve sex... that’s a weird thing to say, you’re controlling him so he does what you want in the way you want him to

@IEat can you please explain how waiting to have sex until you trust someone is controlling?

YouShouldLeave · 14/02/2021 10:14

@CheddarGorgeous

Women (I presume, although it's feasible that it's men posing as women) telling a woman that she's unkind/not an adult/precious/not allowed to have boundaries about when she sleeps with someone and under what conditions is the most profoundly depressing thing I've read in a while.

The guy is free to end the relationship if he is unhappy.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 This!
C0RAL · 14/02/2021 10:16

@LemonadeFromLemons

Is the reason you decided not to rush into having sex this time because you believe this has clouded your judgement of relationships before? I can certainly identify with that. For me I want to see if there is enough intimacy there without sex first otherwise I feel sexual intimacy clouds the issue. If this is the reason and he doesn’t put in any effort, your new strategy is working, ditch him.
This is very insightful.
thecatsthecats · 14/02/2021 10:21

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I'm pretty disturbed to think it's out of order to expect someone to be deserving of sex. Does that mean you all thinks he's entitled to sex? If sex isn't something someone earns then it must be an entitlement, yes?

Have to say I'm pretty shocked that a forum that usually is full of people centering the feelings and bodily autonomy of women is so very critical about someone who wants to be in a position of trust with her partner before she has sex with him.

Is this down to the invasion of the MRA's?!

Don't be ridiculous.

All that anyone is saying is that she's setting up weird thresholds for sex when it plainly isn't working, and is indeed making her bodily autonomy a weird pawn in their "relationship".

Nobody is saying that she should sleep with him. They are saying that the intimacy she wants should be naturally given, not asked for. And if not, split up with him.

And all for a bloke who asked her how much she masturbated after the first date.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 10:25

And all for a bloke who asked her how much she masturbated after the first date.

Yes. I’m all for people having to “earn” physical intimacy with me. They do it (in part) by not making me feel that my boundaries are threatened.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 10:26

I'm pretty disturbed to think it's out of order to expect someone to be deserving of sex.

Does this work both ways, then? So if a man posted saying "my girlfriend of 2 months wants sex but I don't feel she deserves it yet" / "she hasn't earned access to my body". You'd totally support him? Or you'd see it as controlling on his part? Just curious.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 10:28

So if a man posted saying "my girlfriend of 2 months wants sex but I don't feel she deserves it yet" / "she hasn't earned access to my body". You'd totally support him? Or you'd see it as controlling on his part?

The only thing he would be controlling would be his body.

morninglive · 14/02/2021 10:30

He only wants sex. There is no spark, so dump him

thecatsthecats · 14/02/2021 10:31

Oh and by the way, I find it pretty small minded, insulting and downright unintelligent to decry other women's views as MRA just because they don't agree with yours. That's honestly a disgusting slur to put on someone.

My brother is an actual MRA, and I see a lot of it first hand.

If your view of women is so narrow minded it says more about you than the people you disagree with.

(When I was a teen I was crystal clear that I only wanted to have sex when I really wanted to have sex with someone, whether I loved them or not... Those friends who wanted love first got "luv" from their boyfriends - synthetic hoop jumping behavior designed to pash the threshold of intimacy. Then got shit on. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, but OP's behaviour seems to be flogging a dead horse for criteria neither side are willing to fulfil, and there's no problem calling that what it is.)

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 10:31

@AStudyinPink

So if a man posted saying "my girlfriend of 2 months wants sex but I don't feel she deserves it yet" / "she hasn't earned access to my body". You'd totally support him? Or you'd see it as controlling on his part?

The only thing he would be controlling would be his body.

So your support of that would go both ways, regardless of gender? It wouldn't be seen as controlling on his part? That was my question.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 10:33

So if a man posted saying "my girlfriend of 2 months wants sex but I don't feel she deserves it yet" / "she hasn't earned access to my body". You'd totally support him? Or you'd see it as controlling on his part?

And also, to be properly analogous to this situation, it’d have to also specify that you’d told him he isn’t your boyfriend, refused to spend time with him on the phone or in person, and limited contact to online because you weren’t getting sex.

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 10:34

So your support of that would go both ways, regardless of gender? It wouldn't be seen as controlling on his part? That was my question.

Of course it would go both ways.

C0RAL · 14/02/2021 10:34

I’m enjoying the 21st Century misogyny on this thread - apparently from women.

In the 1950s women were told that they HAD to have sex with their husbands because it was normal, the men were entitled, they had needs, it was a normal part of a marriage.

70 years later, women are told that they HAVE to have sex with a man they have been exchanging texts with for 8 weeks and have been on a ? couple of dates with. Because otherwise they are controlling, abnormal , setting up weird thresholds, making their bodily autonomy a pawn, not healthy , withholding.

Some of you are saying

“ Yeah sure, women have bodily autonomy. But only until it involves saying no to a man - that’s the limit of their rights. Then his right to use her body is more important and she must comply “.

It’s very very disturbing.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 14/02/2021 10:35

I would absolutely be expecting a valentine card or flowers.

If he's just pestering for sex and isn't making any effort I'd bin him.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:37

All that anyone is saying is that she's setting up weird thresholds for sex when it plainly isn't working, and is indeed making her bodily autonomy a weird pawn in their "relationship

Ensuring that she trusts him is not a "weird threshold".

You can tell we live in a patriarchy when people think that women's bodily autonomy can be "used as a pawn".

AStudyinPink · 14/02/2021 10:39

70 years later, women are told that they HAVE to have sex with a man they have been exchanging texts with for 8 weeks and have been on a ? couple of dates with. Because otherwise they are controlling, abnormal , setting up weird thresholds, making their bodily autonomy a pawn, not healthy , withholding.

This.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:41

So if a man posted saying "my girlfriend of 2 months wants sex but I don't feel she deserves it yet" / "she hasn't earned access to my body". You'd totally support him? Or you'd see it as controlling on his part? Just curious

Yes, IMO if you're looking for more than a fuck buddy sex does have to be earned, by being a decent person and showing you care enough have respect for a person to make them feel comfortable and safe. It is a little bit of a double standard though as women need this reassurance more than men.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:42

@thecatsthecats

Oh and by the way, I find it pretty small minded, insulting and downright unintelligent to decry other women's views as MRA just because they don't agree with yours. That's honestly a disgusting slur to put on someone.

My brother is an actual MRA, and I see a lot of it first hand.

If your view of women is so narrow minded it says more about you than the people you disagree with.

(When I was a teen I was crystal clear that I only wanted to have sex when I really wanted to have sex with someone, whether I loved them or not... Those friends who wanted love first got "luv" from their boyfriends - synthetic hoop jumping behavior designed to pash the threshold of intimacy. Then got shit on. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, but OP's behaviour seems to be flogging a dead horse for criteria neither side are willing to fulfil, and there's no problem calling that what it is.)

I'm not sorry for claiming that a woman should just give a man sex without him having to respect her is an MRA view. It is.
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 10:42

@AStudyinPink

So your support of that would go both ways, regardless of gender? It wouldn't be seen as controlling on his part? That was my question.

Of course it would go both ways.

OK. I was just curious as I was imagining the opposite scenario of a man using language such as "she doesn't deserve access to my body" and how he would probably be shouted down as a controlling narcissist (NOT saying that's how I view the OP - just from my experience of men starting threads on here and how their choice of language is picked apart and deconstructed). But that's good that you'd have the same view regardless of gender.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 10:43

@C0RAL

I’m enjoying the 21st Century misogyny on this thread - apparently from women.

In the 1950s women were told that they HAD to have sex with their husbands because it was normal, the men were entitled, they had needs, it was a normal part of a marriage.

70 years later, women are told that they HAVE to have sex with a man they have been exchanging texts with for 8 weeks and have been on a ? couple of dates with. Because otherwise they are controlling, abnormal , setting up weird thresholds, making their bodily autonomy a pawn, not healthy , withholding.

Some of you are saying

“ Yeah sure, women have bodily autonomy. But only until it involves saying no to a man - that’s the limit of their rights. Then his right to use her body is more important and she must comply “.

It’s very very disturbing.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Heaven forbid you point out misogyny though.