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Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
netstaller · 13/02/2021 18:00

He's been honest, but he's also left the door open. He's a selfish prick OP and you deserve better

Zakana · 13/02/2021 18:00

@Happymum12345

My dh had an affair 12 years ago. I wish I had ended it then. I'm still heartbroken years on. One day I will leave.
It’s been 14 years and I have only recently stopped constantly thinking about it. I wish I had left him then, but he never owned up to it, he was caught out, he wasn’t in it emotionally, only for sex, she was up to her eyeballs in emotions, she thought he would leave me. The reasons I stayed were because we weren’t married (still not, he wanted to, I just couldn’t) and I wanted my children to have their inheritance protected, as it is fairly considerable from his mother. That is nearly all done now, and tied up safe so, at least the last 14 years won’t have been for nothing. It’s only in the last few months that I have found peace within myself with regard to his betrayal. And for what it’s worth, she wasn’t the only one, she was just the one with longevity! I feel for you, I really do 💐
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2021 18:03

What's an AP in this context?

I believe it means affair partner

Just to revisit something Bluntness said, the irony here is that it may not be OP's choice in the end - as in if the OW becomes "available" he could easily leave anyway

Something else to bear in mind maybe ...

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 18:09

@EllasAuntie to be honest after a 10 year long affair, I think affair “partner” is pretty accurate here

yesterdayisgone · 13/02/2021 18:11

She means a lot to him obviously and it’s likely he would have left you if you were not relying on him financially . You’re not going to be enough to fill the void that will be left so it’s going to start up again .

NotStayingIn · 13/02/2021 18:12

I never thought I would say this, but I'm actually with your husband on this one. It was a 10 YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP.

What did you think would happen? That he would say:

"Sorry, wife found out, off you fuck."

He is in the wrong on many things, but not I would say in how he talked to her during this call.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 18:13

So sorry OP Flowers What an awful thing to happen.

Realistically after TEN YEARS they are going to miss each other. Her husband is going to notice she's upset and the muck will probably hit the fan in her house. It may put pressure on her to end the relationship with her husband and she may leave him as a result. Just be aware.

What are your reasons for wanting to stay with him when he is not just a cheater but a long term cheater?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 18:18

I somewhat agree with @NotStayingIn. I'm not siding with him but it seems to me whatever was agreed to be said was coming from Mrs and was an attempt to cause hurt. I'm not judging at all l might feel the same in that position, but refer to my earlier post - this is not healthy for anyone.

DoItAfraid · 13/02/2021 18:22

I am so sorry - a 10 year affair out of a 38 year marriage is just not recoverable to my mind.

The ending sounds so forced.

I know this is so painful for you right now - honestly I do - but leave it. You cannot force this. He will either start it again or he will leave you. And then you will be back to square 1 and it will be even more painful.

Rip the band aid off in one go and just tell him to leave. Take back your control.

You can't force someone to be sorry if they are not. And what you heard is not a sincere sorry.

Branleuse · 13/02/2021 18:24

realistically after ten years, she is likely to be just as important to him as after 30 years. Who came first doesnt mean much in affairs of the heart.

wewillmeetagain · 13/02/2021 18:24

I don't understand all the pp saying he clearly loved the AP. He was seeing her for 10 years yet didn't leave his wife for her, I would say he didn't love her at all. OP this is another level of deceit and he is scum. No matter what you may suffer financially by leaving him its not worth what you most definitely will suffer emotionally by staying! Let her have him, it wont last because he didn't want her enough over the last 10 years to leave his marriage for her!

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 18:28

@wewillmeetagain um, he didn’t love OP enough not to cheat on her in every possible way and deceive her for over a decade, the man clearly doesn’t care about marriage

Jackie2022 · 13/02/2021 18:29

As in, just because he didn’t marry his affair partner, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 13/02/2021 18:29

The affair partner is married.

wewillmeetagain · 13/02/2021 18:31

@Jackie2022 oh i agree, sounds like the only person this man cares about is himself! In my experience a previous partner who cheated on me tried to keep ow sweet when ending it with her not because he gave a shit about her feelings but because he had lied through his teeth and was scared she would contact me with the truth should he upset her to much!

wewillmeetagain · 13/02/2021 18:33

@NeedToGetOuttaHere if both are married then neither really gives a shit about anyone else other than themselves! If they wanted to be together they would have left those marriages!

Ileflottante · 13/02/2021 18:33

@Didkdt

You scripted a conversation of his and recorded the call. I almost feel sorry for him. If your plan to save your marriage is to control everything thing he says and does it’s doomed to fail and what are you saving a relationship with a man who isn’t allowed to be himself

Him cheating on you isn’t great byt I’d ask 2 questions

  1. can you honestly say you didn’t know for 10 years
  2. do you always control him like that because if you do no wonder he needed something he was in control of
You should feel very, very ashamed of yourself for this comment.
biddybird · 13/02/2021 18:34

Would you think more highly of him if he was cold and callous to someone he had a 10-year relationship with?

MiniCooperLover · 13/02/2021 18:39

OP, that relationship has not ended. He prepared her for that call, clearly knew you'd listen but is prob trying to hide assets from you and knows you can take a lot of his money. Why are you hanging about!?! It was a 10 year affair 🤦‍♀️

WhatMattersMost · 13/02/2021 18:39

My response is going to be entirely pragmatic, with all emotion/judgement removed:

  • If you recorded your husband's call without his knowing (which I'm assuming you did because you haven't responded again), then it indicates that there is no trust - and therefore little, if anything, on which to rebuild a marriage.
  • Your husband had an affair of 10 years. That means there were very probably deep feelings involved. In the context of this (untenable, avoidable) situation, his behaviour on the call was understandable. Can you live with that? Probably not. And if you can't, that's also entirely understandable.
DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 18:40

How much of an affair could it really have been if both parties were married and it went on for 10 years? Was it just lunch dates? Or are we talking sexual infidelity, nights away or emotional cheating in their lunch break? Was there a real love or just using each other for sex?
They are still going to see each other at work so it's going to be tricky to just get over it.

I AM sympathetic to you OP. But these questions need to be asked and it matters why you are staying together. If it's just for money, is it worth it for your self respect? A divorce lawyer would likely give you a good award and make him pay you a decent amount due to his cheating, which you have recorded him confessing to. Why do you want to be with him when he has cheated so long?

MindfulBitch · 13/02/2021 18:43

Just see a solicitor.

Get rid.

Get on with your new, better, non wondering what he is doing life.

It's too short. Don't spend it wondering what this dickhead is doing.

Fuck him off and get on with the rest of yours

laidbacklife · 13/02/2021 18:48

Christ! Did you have a gun to his head?? Why did he need to phone? Surely a brief text would have sufficed. If you have to drag him there, it’s not worth it.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 18:54

OP you can get a good divorce settlement. Get your own house. You can get a job. You can be independant of this man. Think of all the things you can do.

Why on earth would you stay with a cheater just because you haven't got a job? It will involve change on your part, but it sounds like you'd benefit.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/02/2021 18:55

Get your solicitor, now.
Get everything you are entitled to.
Live out the rest of your life in peace.
Let him make whatever mess he likes of his.