Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 18:57

@laidbacklife

Christ! Did you have a gun to his head?? Why did he need to phone? Surely a brief text would have sufficed. If you have to drag him there, it’s not worth it.
Yes becayse that’s how you end a ten year relationship with a brief text..Confused

Dn she knows the answer, it was sexual.

oakleaffy · 13/02/2021 19:06

@jusstme
Kick him into touch
He is only ending it to placate you.
Let him live with her...
It will be over within two years
Most likely.

earthyfire · 13/02/2021 19:12

I doubt the affair will stop - sorry. I know someone who was having a long time affair and had a child with OW. When his wife found out he told her he would stop, he didn't he just became better at hiding it, OH was okay with sharing him. A 10 year affair would be unforgivable in my eyes.

AnaisNun · 13/02/2021 19:13

Kindly meant, but I voted YABU because I would have ended the marriage, not sat there and listened to that.

I hope you’re okay, however this turns out

earthyfire · 13/02/2021 19:14

I'd find out when her birthday is too as that's usually when they have something to do that night or weekend which is to see the OW!

rwalker · 13/02/2021 19:18

I fully get where you are coming from it must of been as painful hearing that as it would of being seeing then together but after 10 years I don't think it's that bad .
It quite dangerous asking for advice on affairs as it's very black and white to people typing away and the advice will be overwhelmingly kick him out but this is your life your decision .
People can move on and get over affairs But you have to be prepared to move on you can't keep dragging it up . It's very very early days and raw.

Wishing you all the best and hope which ever path you choose is right for you take care.

Chailatteplease · 13/02/2021 19:22

Could you get some therapy to discuss your situation and your feelings around it OP? I think it could help you here.

YANBU to be hurt by what you heard. But neither is he for what he said either. He probably feels guilty, and that’s warranted. I completely understand your anger and hurt. That said, it might be helpful for you to understand that he doesn’t feel the same anger towards her, so wouldn’t have communicated in the way you hoped.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 13/02/2021 19:24

Putting the marriage to one side, what lovely things would you like in your life? What would you be asking the Universe for?

I’m assuming that after a 38 year marriage you’re in your 60’s or heading that way. I wouldn’t be wasting any more time feeling shit about yourself.

Even with zero skills I bet you can look after a house and cook. Loads of people want live in housekeepers - move to a fantastic pile in France and look after someone who appreciates it. Use the divorce money to do what you want. Think positively and let your husband go. His time has been and gone.

imonyourway · 13/02/2021 19:40

You may have twenty or more years of life left. I very much doubt you want to spend them looking over your shoulder, checking up on him, wondering who he's talking to.

Try to think of the life you want to live and try to live it - the alternative with him isn't worth it.

morninglive · 13/02/2021 19:41

For crying out loud leave him. No one can be that desperate to save a total lie that is this relationship

Twoobles · 13/02/2021 19:44

It's understandable you're hurt. It's just another instance of where he hasn't behaved in the way that you need him to. You needed him to be faithful, and he wasn't. You needed him to be blunt with her, and he wasn't. He isn't behaving how you need him to, because he isn't the right person for you. Remember, someone who really loved you, would never do anything like that to you.

I think you should spend a few months really thinking this through. There's no deadline on deciding whether you want to be with him or not. 10 years is an awfully long time and even if you have been married nearly 40 years, the rest of your life still means something. You don't need to stay with him and ride the rest of your life out. You deserve more.

Only you can make the decision but think of all the things you've always wanted to do, places you've wanted to go, things you've wanted to see. You can do all those things, without him, and have an incredible time. He doesn't have to define your life. You don't have to stay with him because you feel like you should. You owe him absolutely nothing.

VodselForDinner · 13/02/2021 19:54

OP, what are you getting out of this?

Obviously there’s some benefit to you or you wouldn’t put up with it.

DuchessofPortlandia · 13/02/2021 20:05

I know a man (married) who has had (& is still having) a very lengthy affair with a married woman. I have no doubt he would leave his wife in a heartbeat if only the other woman would leave her husband (there are some fairly understandable reasons why she won’t).

The ‘other woman’ is basically the person he’s in a long term loving relationship with. His wife is just convenience. It’s not at all pleasant.

After a 10 year affair, I honestly can’t see that a marriage has any real substance. Also can’t see any reason why anyone would want to stay with a man who’d had a secret relationship with another woman for so long. OP, why on earth do you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you?

Holly60 · 13/02/2021 20:12

Well conversely, I read this and thought, at least he sounds like a decent human being. He has done something terrible, but there were clearly feelings between him and OW and he is trying to let her down gently. If you had come on here and said that after having an affair with OW he just got on the phone and bluntly told her to get lost, I would be saying definitely get rid of the empathy-devoid sociopath. It’s hurtful for you to hear obviously because it is testimony to a relationship that should not have been, but he has probably done the kind thing in the circumstances. He obviously does want to make it work with you, because he ended it with her, not you. I absolutely get you wanted to hear that conversation, but take it with a pinch of salt.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/02/2021 20:14

@Bluntness100

Well she's a human too. Presumably your husband wasn't truthful to her either and now he's dumping her. He should be sorry, what kind of person would say 'right you can fuck off now' after being intimate with someone? He isn't being kind to you by being vile to her

I don’t think this is correct actually and I think it is likely he has been honest with her, she’s also married and she’s a colleague. And he didn’t tell her to fuck off. Far from it.

You've misunderstood MorrisZapp's post which I think is bang on actually. OP wanted vindication/validation in the form of being awful to the other woman as per the script which the OP wrote. Husband wouldn't adhere to it; the point is that even if he had, it wouldn't have provided the feeling of control that OP wanted.
RedGoldAndGreene · 13/02/2021 20:20

I've been the cheated spouse. Except in my case it was 6 months because I couldn't find evidence before that. 10 years is more than an affair imo.

You are naive to think he would end it with a call as if they'd had a massive falling out. He's ending it because you found out and would have continued it if you hadn't. Is he staying for financial reasons? Is he religious? 10 years is a major relationship so you need to be prepared for him to miss her for a few months.

I suspect that he'll start the affair again once the dust has settled. They have a serious attachment so the bond will be hard to break and they will both be blaming you for not being able to be together.

Jacketpotato84 · 13/02/2021 20:25

He might be acting like he cares about the ow on the phone call because he knows its highly possible his wife will leave him and he will then be wanting to pursue the relationship with the ow! Hes keeping his options open by not being blunt and stating no contact

Jacketpotato84 · 13/02/2021 20:28

So no you are not unreasonable to be upset by this

utterfailureasamum · 13/02/2021 20:56

This is a tough one, because also if he had treat her callously and tossed her aside after 10 years. Without an apology or an i'm sorry or i wish you well of any shape-then i don't think that is the sort of man you want to rebuild your relationship with either.

It was a strange choice to record it and listen to it, as you were never going to like what you heard. Even the sound of her voice was going to irritate you.

Its done now. The purpose of the call was what you agreed if not the exact wording. Concentrate on the rebuilding now if thats what you have agreed. Perhaps with counselling.

Ten years is such a long time. You must have so many questions. I hope you get answers.

Ileflottante · 13/02/2021 20:57

@DuchessofPortlandia

I know a man (married) who has had (& is still having) a very lengthy affair with a married woman. I have no doubt he would leave his wife in a heartbeat if only the other woman would leave her husband (there are some fairly understandable reasons why she won’t).

The ‘other woman’ is basically the person he’s in a long term loving relationship with. His wife is just convenience. It’s not at all pleasant.

After a 10 year affair, I honestly can’t see that a marriage has any real substance. Also can’t see any reason why anyone would want to stay with a man who’d had a secret relationship with another woman for so long. OP, why on earth do you want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you?

This is such a harrowing thought. That the wife is the figure of contempt and the other woman is the trie figure of love and respect. Awful.
minnimiss · 13/02/2021 21:05

10 years and you think in a 3 minute conversation he can say all he needs to say to her to end their relationship? I mean I think it sounds pretty direct considering the time and feelings that must surely be involved. Did you want him to hurt her more to make you feel better? I really don't think there can be any coming back from this OP I'm sorry. And why would you want to? Can you imagine really trusting him again?

BloggersBlog · 13/02/2021 21:10

Lots of great advice and kind words here OP. You coming back to answer any questions??

poppyzbrite4 · 13/02/2021 21:11

That the wife is the figure of contempt

That's very common in affairs. The wife is seen as the one keeping them from each other and in order to justify the affair, the husband rewrites the relationship. The wife becomes the enemy and a figure of derision. You often know someone is cheating because they start treating you with derision.

saffire · 13/02/2021 21:13

@jusstme

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.
If it's been going on for ten years it's not going to end in a three minute scripted phone call. He's been unfaithful to you, and not just a little fling. A ten year relationship isn't a trivial thing, how on earth can you want to continue being with him?
PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2021 21:22

YABU for staying with the lying, cheating scumbag.