Page 8 | Husband's affair partner

jusstme · 2021-02-13T14:00:08+00:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

EllasAuntie · 13/02/2021 17:26

Marriages can continue after affairs, so it's not a given that couples split, regardless of how long the affair was.

I knew a couple (parents of a friend) where the man had an affair for over 20 years. He didn't leave for years and years because his wife was in ill health and he clearly felt some responsibility for her and towards his kids.

Without being in someones marriage, it's impossible to understand it.

OP- none of us can know exactly what your marriage has been like.

You could decide it's well and truly over. Not sure if you have tried counselling either as a couple or for you, yourself.

If not, maybe it's worth a shot?

If you are sneaking about, recording your H' s phone calls, it shows that the communication between you is less than honest.

Is that the basis for saving your marriage? Are you staying because you love him, or you can't imagine a life on your own?

It will help you both to decide if your marriage is worth saving. If not, you will feel in a stronger position to leave and go it alone.

Please don't stay in it just out of fear, or

caringcarer · 13/02/2021 17:27

I was married for 20 years and found out husband was having affair lasting almost 2 months so I divorced him. Have some self respect and divorce him.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 17:27

I honestly don't see why or how you could stay with someone who lied to you every day for 10 years

I’m surprised so many people can’t. I can. Totally. I’ve been with my husband 32 years. I’m 52. I’m also the main breadwinner, although he’s a high earner in his own right. I could walk tomorrow if I found he had an affair. And to be honest I would.

But I can totally understand why a 61 year old woman who has not worked for years, has no independent income, would be fearful of leaving, starting again, and being alone. With likely a reduced lifestyle into her pension years. That’s one hell of a change.

That must be daunting. I’m surprised some people have so little empathy for it. Plenty of people stay in marriages because they are afraid to leave and have no money of their own. So they stay and take it. Hang around here for awhile and you’ll see it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2021 17:29

Another poster described that their DH had subsequently died in a similar position. The post I replied to quoted that poster

Ah yes - I see what you mean, and thanks for that

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 17:29

But I can totally understand why a 61 year old woman who has not worked for years, has no independent income, would be fearful of leaving, starting again, and being alone. With likely a reduced lifestyle into her pension years. That’s one hell of a change

Me too. There’s no time for a woman this age to build a new future financially.

DeadGood · 13/02/2021 17:30

@MorrisZapp

Well she's a human too. Presumably your husband wasn't truthful to her either and now he's dumping her. He should be sorry, what kind of person would say 'right you can fuck off now' after being intimate with someone? He isn't being kind to you by being vile to her.

Very well said

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 17:30

I wonder how the other woman has got away with lying to her husband for 10 years?

EllasAuntie · 13/02/2021 17:31

@caringcarer

I was married for 20 years and found out husband was having affair lasting almost 2 months so I divorced him. Have some self respect and divorce him.

That was your choice.

Not everyone wants to do what you did, for many reasons.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 17:32

@FossilisedFanny

I wonder how the other woman has got away with lying to her husband for 10 years?

The exact same way as the ops husband got away with lying to her I would imagine.

Toorapid · 13/02/2021 17:35

My father always encouraged me to make sure I had an independent income, pushing my education and to the extent that he was my PT childminder when DC were small, so I could maintain my career.

I don't think it was because of the risk of an affair (he supported my mother in doing the same) and he's very fond of DH, but I'm incredibly glad he did. It's given me a security through my whole life that isn't there if you're dependent on someone else. I've always known I could leave if I had to/wanted to, which I do think affected the kinds of behaviour I was prepared to accept and DH knew this. I'm not aware DH was tempted to stray, but just generally what I "needed" to accept.

This, I think, is a very important lesson for our daughters.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2021 17:36

@Toorapid

My father always encouraged me to make sure I had an independent income, pushing my education and to the extent that he was my PT childminder when DC were small, so I could maintain my career.

I don't think it was because of the risk of an affair (he supported my mother in doing the same) and he's very fond of DH, but I'm incredibly glad he did. It's given me a security through my whole life that isn't there if you're dependent on someone else. I've always known I could leave if I had to/wanted to, which I do think affected the kinds of behaviour I was prepared to accept and DH knew this. I'm not aware DH was tempted to stray, but just generally what I "needed" to accept.

This, I think, is a very important lesson for our daughters.

Absolutely. Being financially dependent on a man confers power to them which no person should have over another. Power corrupts.

BlueTimes · 13/02/2021 17:36

@FossilisedFanny

I wonder how the other woman has got away with lying to her husband for 10 years?

Maybe she’s not married. Plenty of people get away with lying about affairs.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 17:37

There’s no time for a woman this age to build a new future financially

Exactly. Not everyone is confident enough to live alone. Manage all the stuff round the house alone, deal with everything alone, potentially be choosing to grow old alone. Or to think they will meet someone else, or even desire to. Nearly forty years together is a long time.

Whatever the op chooses, stay or go, there is no easy answer, and there is no right or wrong one. It’s what she feels is best for her personally.

I’d never kick her for making the call to stay. Even though I couldn’t see myself do it. But I have a job, an income, financial independence. And am a decade younger.

I really think folks need to stop being so outraged on her behalf and screaming at her to end it. That’s something only she can decide.

Lelophants · 13/02/2021 17:42

Op you are surprised about him lying about what he said on the phone. He has had an affair. He is a liar.

Are you really sure this is worth it? There are worse things than being divorced.

Toorapid · 13/02/2021 17:45

This is why no woman should let herself get in that position. I'm facing the prospect widowhood at 50. DH is already bed bound and not working. It's awful, but it would be a whole lot worse if I'd been completely financially and practically dependent on DH.

Plus, it will be amazing what OP can do for herself if she does decide to leave.

notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2021 17:47

@Toorapid

My father always encouraged me to make sure I had an independent income, pushing my education and to the extent that he was my PT childminder when DC were small, so I could maintain my career.

I don't think it was because of the risk of an affair (he supported my mother in doing the same) and he's very fond of DH, but I'm incredibly glad he did. It's given me a security through my whole life that isn't there if you're dependent on someone else. I've always known I could leave if I had to/wanted to, which I do think affected the kinds of behaviour I was prepared to accept and DH knew this. I'm not aware DH was tempted to stray, but just generally what I "needed" to accept.

This, I think, is a very important lesson for our daughters.

@Toorapid

Completely agree. I think it's risky to be financially dependent on someone else. And I think knowing you could manage on your own gives confidence

EllasAuntie · 13/02/2021 17:48

@Lelophants

Op you are surprised about him lying about what he said on the phone. He has had an affair. He is a liar.

Are you really sure this is worth it? There are worse things than being divorced.

It's not just about being divorced.

For a woman in her 60s, who may have no pension or assets, it's a huge step to sell the family home and start again.

Very different to the posters here who are in their 30s or 40s.

(And before anyone says anything, I'm not talking about myself.)

The real question is would she be happier with the alternative?
Many older couples choose to stay put for convenience.
If you can do that OP and accept the marriage is some kind of friendship, but falls short of what you'd like, then stay.

If you feel you can strike out on your own and maybe meet someone else in time, go for that.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/02/2021 17:50

I can totally understand why a 61 year old woman who has not worked for years, has no independent income, would be fearful of leaving, starting again, and being alone. With likely a reduced lifestyle into her pension years. That’s one hell of a change

So can I, and in my case it wasn't even a question of money but just the fear of being alone ... however mine was a 32 year marriage, to a man who turned out to have used prostitutes ever since he was a teenager, so there wasn't really much choice even though I tried

jusstme as another sixty plus woman who's had to do it, feel free to PM me if you wish

2pinkginsplease · 13/02/2021 17:50

@WhySoSensitive

A ten year affair? That’s not a small mistake that's a long term committed mistake. He didn’t want to end it and has left a soft ending so he can go back once things calm down at home.

38 years or not, I’d be ending it.

Totally agree!

He will be back in contact with her in no time!

I can’t imagine staying with someone who cheats on me!

B33Fr33 · 13/02/2021 17:51

He wants her but I guess financially he's made a decision. Most cheaters do this. Cold hearted bastards all the way to the stone cold ruthless core.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 17:52

Plus, it will be amazing what OP can do for herself if she does decide to leave

That’s easy to say, in reality she’d be screwed financially. I can’t imagine how daunting it would be to start again after 38 years. Assets that look very handsome for a couple don’t look particularly great when split in halves. Finding a job at 61? Good luck with that.

Happymum12345 · 13/02/2021 17:52

My dh had an affair 12 years ago. I wish I had ended it then. I'm still heartbroken years on. One day I will leave.

TatianaBis · 13/02/2021 17:52

What's an AP in this context?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 17:54

A ten year affair. Wow.

From his perspective, he has been having his cake and eating it and he clearly has an emotional attachment to this woman. After all that time it would be odd to not have an attachment.

Why did you feel the need to 'agree' what to say to her? He cannot be trusted, was it ever likely he was going to go through with your wishes? If ending the relationship wasn't enough, if he had to it do it in what l suspect was a blunt and brutal way, this part of a punishment. There is nothing about healing or moving on here. Will you ever be able to control him and get to a point where you feel you have punished him enough? I don't think this is going to have the outcome you want.

EllasAuntie · 13/02/2021 18:00

What's an 'affair partner'?

I thought the accepted term was 'other woman'.