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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 13/02/2021 21:31

@poppyzbrite4

That the wife is the figure of contempt

That's very common in affairs. The wife is seen as the one keeping them from each other and in order to justify the affair, the husband rewrites the relationship. The wife becomes the enemy and a figure of derision. You often know someone is cheating because they start treating you with derision.

It would be absolutely soul destroying.
Fiona2020 · 13/02/2021 21:32

I think all of us are wonder what the actual HELL you are doing?! 10years? In the last 10years he hasn’t given a shit about your marriage and now you think he will. Don’t be silly

RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 21:35

Does he know you listened to his call?

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2021 21:37

Why have you stayed in this marriage op? Honestly you have not had a marriage for 10 years, as he obviously wasn’t happy with just you. You deserve more

Teardrop2021 · 13/02/2021 21:43

I yabu on the basis it he was leading a double life it was another relationship for 10 years op. Why are you putting up with this?

BlueThistles · 13/02/2021 22:04

I voted YABU...

purely based on this mans treatment of you OP... you deserve better and I'm stunned after everything you are staying with him.. so I wish the very best but I don't believe for a second this is truly over for him and her. Flowers

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 13/02/2021 22:09

TEN years... That's not an affair its a double life. I'm so sorry OP. I don't think this is salvageable

Bubblefart · 13/02/2021 22:12

Hi OP. I was once in a 10 year relationship with a man who it turned out had been having an affair for 3 years of that relationship with a woman we both knew. What I did not realise then and only realise now that I am moved on a decade later is how utterly in denial I was about the strength and tenacity of the relationship between them. He ended it with her at my request as I believed that he and I were the “established” relationship. And I assumed that - given the amount of time we had spent together - the connection between the two of them would be superficial compared to ours. But it continued to absolutely blindside me. A look at a social event, a phone call, a text, a memory. I would spend my whole time saying “why would you say that to her?” “Why is THAT relevant?” Why does that make you think of her? You were with ME then.” Her father died and he was very affected by it and I spent the whole time saying “why why why? Of course it’s sad but she is not a part of our lives.”

I only see now that my perception of those ten years was just that - perception. His perception and her perception was entirely different. It’s awful. It’s almost better not to know .

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 22:15

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

TEN years... That's not an affair its a double life. I'm so sorry OP. I don't think this is salvageable
I think it is, if the ow does not leave her husband, or the husband does not die,

If neither occur she can likely stay married,

BlueThistles · 13/02/2021 22:20

so they both stay in the blanket security of their respective marriages... and still have their sexual affair with each other Hmm

sounds very modern ...

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 22:21

I think it is, if the ow does not leave her husband, or the husband does not die

If neither occur she can likely stay married

I think so too but I think you need to have been round the block a few times to understand it.

Cam2020 · 13/02/2021 22:23

Of course you're not unreasonable to expect more from your husband, but he's already proved himself to be disloyal and untrustworthy by having a 10 year affair.

He obviously has feelings for this person to want to let them down gently and that's unlikely to change whether or not he sees them.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 22:30

But the other woman was cheating on her husband for ten years as well Shock

I've got to wonder why the OW's husband didn't realise anything was "amiss". Perhaps OP's husband and OW used to "go to the gym" or stay late at the office, but covid has altered all that, hence the emails that got found.

It's probably only a matter of time before OW's husband realises, especially if "the fail" get hold of this.

TEN YEARS THOUGH Gobsmacking betrayal. How can anyone want to stay with someone who does that?

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 22:32

I think it’s so easy for us sitting behind our keyboards to just say leave him . Maybe the Op would like to leave, but it’s not that straight forward. So many feelings are involved, so many financial implications , so much fear and confusion.
I was cheated on and my mind was in turmoil, literally, I couldn’t gather a sensible thought together. What you know is the right thing to do is often a million miles away from what you want to do.

DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 22:34

Yes it's not as easy as "leave", though actually it should be him leaving or at least on the sofa.
I presume OP loves him and would miss him, so that's tricky. He must surely contribute something to her life besides financial sustenance?

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 22:38

I used to know someone who had a full on affair for years. Her husband knew all about it and turned a blind eye.

malificent7 · 13/02/2021 22:42

Why do you want to stay with him op...where is your self respect?

Snookie00 · 13/02/2021 22:45

Many people stay together in a marriage of convenience due to duty, money, family, fear of the unknown. It’s easy for people to try to shame the OP into leaving him but she needs to consider whether her life will be better overall without him. None of the people on this thread encouraging her to chuck him out will be paying her bills, going on holiday with her, accompanying her to family events or fixing her boiler.

The problem is that the OP doesn’t seem to want a marriage of convenience as she wants him to stop seeing the other woman. It doesn’t seem likely that he will cut links with the other woman so the question the OP needs to ask herself is whether she is prepared to accept sharing him to keep all the other benefits of being married. Only she can answer that. After 38 years together, it’s not as easy as some of the flip posters on here are claiming.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/02/2021 22:53

It's so easy to say leave. The OP has been with this man since she was 23, she is now 61. I am younger than her and even when I left school although there was opportunity for women to do what they wanted, the majority got a job ina factory or bank, worked for 5 years or so, got married in that time and either gave up work completely or went pt. Its very likely the OP lived at home until marriage, gave up work when she had children and hasn't worked since. That has huge implications for her when deciding what to do. Realistically what job will a 61 year old who hasn't worked for maybe 30+years get? How scary will it be to suddenly be living alone after 60 years of living as part of a family/couple.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 22:53

@Snookie00

Many people stay together in a marriage of convenience due to duty, money, family, fear of the unknown. It’s easy for people to try to shame the OP into leaving him but she needs to consider whether her life will be better overall without him. None of the people on this thread encouraging her to chuck him out will be paying her bills, going on holiday with her, accompanying her to family events or fixing her boiler.

The problem is that the OP doesn’t seem to want a marriage of convenience as she wants him to stop seeing the other woman. It doesn’t seem likely that he will cut links with the other woman so the question the OP needs to ask herself is whether she is prepared to accept sharing him to keep all the other benefits of being married. Only she can answer that. After 38 years together, it’s not as easy as some of the flip posters on here are claiming.

This, simply this. The question the op faces is she willing to pretend she thinks it’s over In the hope she can maintain her current lifestyle, and take the risk he will walk if the ow is no longer with her husband at some point going forward,

I think the answer is yes, she will cling on as long as she can and hope and demand it ends. It’s not an easy situation she finds herself in.

Snookie00 · 13/02/2021 23:01

Exactly @Bluntness100. I feel so sorry for the OP and hope she can find a solution which works for her but I’m not sure that there is a happy ever after story for the OP that some posters seem to think is within her grasp starting again on her early 60s. Equally if she stays she is going to have live with the fear that he calls time on it.

All these posters doing the “what about your self respect?” Reminds me of that Kevin Bridges set about self-esteem not paying the gas bill.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 23:20

It’s good to see common sense and pragmatism have taken over here. All the bright futures predicted upthread if OP leaves her husband only exist in fantasy land.

The reality is that a 61 year old woman who hasn’t worked for over 30 years is essentially unemployable, particularly with a huge wave of unemployment approaching. I doubt she has enough NI contributions to qualify for a state pension and not enough years to get them, even if she could get a job. As you point out @Snookie00, you can’t eat self respect.

Imelda03 · 13/02/2021 23:28

You haven’t been ‘married for 38 years” you’ve been marrried for 28 (if what he says is true and I believe he’s had other women) For the other 10 you may have had a paper certificate but real spiritual meaningful marriage with ups and downs it isn’t! For 10 of these 38 years he’s been having sex and a close relationship with another woman so don’t kid yourself. You are just another of his women albeit a more expensive one if he had to pay out.

What more could this man do to prove to you that he is his own priority? What more does he have to do to show you that he doesn’t see himself as only yours.

Never in a civilised country where I could have my freedom and dignity after a divorce would a lifestyle/money/reputation keep me with someone like this.

Please leave and if not ask yourself what your 25 year old self would have said to you! Stop using time as an excuse to stay! Sometime time is the perfect excuse to leave ......if he can’t change after 10 years of being a cheat he never will x what do you need? A 28 year run of cheating before you leave!? X

RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:31

@VinylDetective

It’s good to see common sense and pragmatism have taken over here. All the bright futures predicted upthread if OP leaves her husband only exist in fantasy land.

The reality is that a 61 year old woman who hasn’t worked for over 30 years is essentially unemployable, particularly with a huge wave of unemployment approaching. I doubt she has enough NI contributions to qualify for a state pension and not enough years to get them, even if she could get a job. As you point out @Snookie00, you can’t eat self respect.

Quite. Bless her.
DNHandTNS · 13/02/2021 23:37

While I agree it would be difficult to start again, more and more women are leaving partners after a lifetime together, some in their 70's.
He has broken his vows.
A marriage needs trust to survive and thrive. He has lead a double life for ten years. How can OP trust him at all? In anything?
I left a cheater after just ten years because he was a serial cheater and I knew I would be always looking over my shoulder. It destroyed me, but it also took me most of the ten years to leave him. SO, I know. Leaving is probably the best thing, but it's really hard to do. Or if not, maybe you can get counselling if he's willing.

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