In not going to drop things off at the hospital

[Hoppinggreen]

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

I’m going against the majority here but: YANBU

The step dad can go and has access to all her clothes and clean underwear at home.
You would need to go out to a shop to purchase brand new clothes and underwear for her. Extra trip to the shops and extra expense for you to buy new things for her.

So on that point I think your step dad should go and drop off the clothes and underwear. It’s not difficult to go into an underwear drawer, pick up a handful of pants and put them in a bag.

To me it seems like it’s more about the food. You mum is wanting nice home cooked food and because you dropped off meals for her last time and live close by she is probably missing that.

I can see both sides to be honest but I do agree your step dad should drop off the underwear and clothes to save you buying more things she already has at home. I would maybe drop off food a couple of times a week - so if I was doing a Sunday roast then send over a portion for her or if I was making a meal I knew she particularly liked drop it off. I would say I couldn’t do every meal every day as I didn’t want to be in the hospital at all due to COVID. Enough to let her know you still do care about her but don’t want to go there every singe day.

Your brother and stepdad can also take turns with visits and being her food if they want. Why should it all fall to you? I know from experience what it’s like to have a relative in hospital for weeks on end and it’s tough juggling daily visits. Luckily our family would all take turns and it made life a lot easier for everyone- I don’t know how I would cope with having to do 2/3 visits per day to deliver meals on top of everything else.

Your poor mum.

You're being unreasonable just drop things off at the main entrance

How would you feel if you were in hospital?

@EwwSprouts

So most posters think your mum's husband, who has been immunised and can drive, is not the best person to help your mum?

The clear rules about bring immunised is it should not change your behaviour. The jan is irrelevant.

@Sheepies

That's kind that your DH wouldn't 'stop' you from going .

The hospital's system for dropping stuff off doesn't seem very good though, here there is a drop off point. Are you sure you didn't just have someone last time giving you duff advice?

I appreciate that I’m getting a hard time on here and that’s fair enough but I will defend DH. He does usually do a lot for my Mum and he dropped off clean nighties for her this week (despite a nurse warning him not to) The system is definitely that it has to be taken to the ward

I'd do it for a neighbour, let alone my mum even though she's a massive PITA.

You need to get a sense of proportion, OP. There are a lot of us out here, working as normal, to service those of you able to remain at home - your Ocado driver, for example. We all have families with vulnerabilities - medical and financial, but we just have to get on with it. You're being asked to take a miniscule risk for your own mother.

@Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst

You're being unreasonable just drop things off at the main entrance

How would you feel if you were in hospital?

Not allowed

@PurpleDaisies

Your Mum has a perfectly capable husband who has had both jabs...

The op previously said he was vulnerable but that seems to be being ignored because it doesn’t fit with her view on whether she’s being unreasonable not to good her poor mum some clean knickers.

She's clarified that he's a bit forgetful, but would be fine taking things in to DM.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You see this the issue now where people have become so cocooned and not having to go out into the big scary covid world they forget how to weigh up the risks- this in my opinion is quite a low risk- mask, distance, drop at reception of need be- I honestly don’t know how some people are ever going to function in the world without being anxious ever again! There were ALWAYS bugs and germs and bacteria everywhere that could make you ill. For those of us who have been going out to work every day throughout all this I guess it’s easier not to get bogged down in all the fear and worry, or nothing would function.

Yes I wanted to say something similar - people who have stayed in for months and months are just so fearful versus who those have had to work throughout and been out and about are just so different.

I wouldn’t care who else could help, if my injured mother asked me for clean knickers and something to eat, I’d bring it to her.

I think sdad should do it tbh but if he can't or won't, you could get some of those n95 masks (we use them for higher risk situations) and / or double up masks to protect you. You don't need to be in there long.

I am amazed the hospital is even allowing people to go up to the ward never mind requiring it for drop off. Hospitals here have a strict patients only admission policy at the moment.

@Hoppinggreen

And my sdad is perfectly capable of going and has had both jabs

If you had asked the question is my sdad being unreasonable for not taking things to my Mum especially when he’s had both vaccines then I’m sure the overwhelming response would have been yes.

He’s obviously choosing not to for some reason. Are things ok between them? In these circumstances I would definitely help your mum.

Yet another OP - am I being unreasonable? The majority yes you are! OP stamping foot, no I’m not.

OP no matter what else you add. Yes YABU. You just need to drop the stuff off, not go on to the ward and bed bath a COVID patient without PPE. Get a grip.

@viques

Just because you are fat doesn’t exempt you from showing empathy.

You're clearly setting a great example there

Is everyone missing the bit where I am not the only person able to do this?
Of course if it was a case of her going hungry or not having clean undies at all I would be there like a shot. I have done so many times before.
The ONLY reason I am unsure about going this time is the Covid risk and even given that if there was no alternative I would go without question

@viques

Just because you are fat doesn’t exempt you from showing empathy.

And we have the Ironic Reply Of The Day WINNER!!!

That’s a bit poor OP. She’s your mum - you aren’t hanging around in the hospital - you are dropping something off. You could even leave it on ward reception if you want - walk up the stairs not the lift. They may even take it on main reception if you ask. The chances of you getting anything would be minimal.

Covid needs to be taken seriously, but life needs to go on too. None of your family are high risk so in the very very unlikely event you picked up something a 5 min walk in and out, the chances of you getting even moderately ill are slim.

It sounds like you are suffering from lockdown anxiety. I’d explain that to your mum, apologise and go in.

I have nothing nice to say so that's where I'll leave it.

This

@viques

Just because you are fat doesn’t exempt you from showing empathy.

I find the more cakes I shovel in it leaves little room for empathy

If you had asked the question is my sdad being unreasonable for not taking things to my Mum especially when he’s had both vaccines then I’m sure the overwhelming response would have been yes.

That’s the wrong question.

If you had asked the question is my VULNERABLE sdad being unreasonable for not taking things to my Mum especially when he’s had both vaccines then I’m sure the overwhelming response would have been yes.

I fixed it for you and I’m not sure the overwhelming answer would have been yes.

If you aren't the only person to do it why don't you set up a rota so all.available people take it in turns.

Stepdad can do it. Nice to see OP as the daughter being subjected to guilt tripping. Plus she's said she's already taken stuff in as has her husband, but apparently not turning up every day on request with clothes and home cooked food makes you a bad daughter.

I'm afraid we're all having to put up with things that are less than ideal to minimise our trips out. How do posters think patients without anyone to visit them manage in hospital? It happens. OP's mum is being fed, it's adding to the risk all round to traipse in with food every day. I would not want my child doing that for me. I'm a grown up, I can eat food that I'm not wild about for a week or two.

The reason no one is focusing on your step
Dad is because he’s not posting here. Who knows what the issue with him is - you aren’t in control of his behaviour, you are in control of yours.

@PinkiOcelot

Yet another OP - am I being unreasonable? The majority yes you are! OP stamping foot, no I’m not.

OP no matter what else you add. Yes YABU. You just need to drop the stuff off, not go on to the ward and bed bath a COVID patient without PPE. Get a grip.

No foot stamping or saying I am not being unreasonable I am reading every reply and taking it all in, if I am wrong I’m wrong Being fat might destroy my empathy (apparently) but not my self awareness