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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not going to drop things off at the hospital

820 replies

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 11:38

My mum fell about 10 days ago and was taken to hospital where she has had an op. The hospital is very close to my house and when she has been there before I have been daily and taken food etc (she hates hospital food). I don’t mind visiting under normal circumstances and it’s nice to see her.
However, we have been pretty careful during Covid and stuck to the rules around seeing her. She and my sdad have health issues so are vulnerable but have been out and about more than they should, plus I know my brother has visited regularly. We are healthy but DD has mild asthma and I am overweight, plus DH is SE so if he was ill and couldn’t work it would cost us ££££££.
I dropped off a book and a couple of things my mum asked for last week but despite wearing a mask, using have gel etc I was pretty uneasy about being at the hospital and when DH had a blood test he also dropped off some clean nighties for her, the nurse taking his blood actually advised against it as he said Covid was rife in the hospital and my mums ward was opposite the Covid ward. DH did it anyway
This morning I had a text asking me to take her some more things and some food as the food there was awful, last time she was in hospital I cooked extra and took it in a cool bag to keep warm. I have replied saying I am not going to shops at the moment (thank you Ocado) and in any case I am not comfortable with coming to the hospital. I have suggested sdad do it as he has had both jabs so it’s safer to him. He does have some cognitive issues but can drive, go to shops etc.
I have had quite a nasty text back and now feel guilty - not guilty enough to do it but even so. DH is quite cross my mum would even ask
I am right not to go aren’t I? In an emergency I would go obviously but wanting a sandwich and clean undies isn’t an emergency

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2021 11:59

@Hoppinggreen

And sdads cognitive issues are just that he’s a bit forgetful. If asked to do something he can and will. No weather issues here
You said he was vulnerable earlier. Is that not the case?
MyLittleOrangutan · 13/02/2021 11:59

I think her husband should go, if the ward is open to visitors isn't he going anyway so can take her clean underwear and bring her dirty stuff back home to wash. He's vaccinated, you're not. I also dont think snacks are essential, they're feeding her.
I wouldn't ask anyone but my husband to do that for me. But I would probably do it for my mum, not that she'd ever ask, because her husband is an arsehole and I worry about her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2021 11:59

Are you doing it or not?

Wouldn’t you want someone to make an effort for you?

RubyandPearl · 13/02/2021 12:00

Yes, nothing you've said has changed my opinion. You are being awful. Why have you all of a sudden got the fear if you were happy to take non essential items previously?

user1493494961 · 13/02/2021 12:00

I'll go against the grain, your Mum has a husband who drives, so he should take her things.

HighSpecWhistle · 13/02/2021 12:00

YANBU. The rules apply even if in hospital.

She has access to food, books and nightwear. She also has a partner who has had the vaccines so is safer.

I'm sorry but she can get used to the food like anyone else has to. It's edible (I actually quite liked it when in for a week a few years ago).

Also - even if she disagrees with you and feels put out, to send you a nasty text is just not on.

Why doesn't your brother help if he's breaking rules anyway?

ChasingRainbows19 · 13/02/2021 12:00

Also your step dad isn’t immune to covid that’s not how the vaccines work... he has a chance of still being able to catch it and just getting a minimal infection maybe but it’s not full immunity

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 13/02/2021 12:00

In our local hospital you can't go to the ward anyway, there is a volunteer desk where you hand things over at a distance. Put the things she needs in a bag, write her name and ward number on them, mask up, drop them off, sanitise and go. You'll barely be in the door.

Scarlettpixie · 13/02/2021 12:01

If your SD’s ‘cognitive issues’ don’t affect this, why mention it?

I think YABU OP. I wouldn’t leave my mum with no clean knickers. Poor woman.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 13/02/2021 12:01

You see this the issue now where people have become so cocooned and not having to go out into the big scary covid world they forget how to weigh up the risks- this in my opinion is quite a low risk- mask, distance, drop at reception of need be- I honestly don’t know how some people are ever going to function in the world without being anxious ever again! There were ALWAYS bugs and germs and bacteria everywhere that could make you ill. For those of us who have been going out to work every day throughout all this I guess it’s easier not to get bogged down in all the fear and worry, or nothing would function.

Notanotherthing · 13/02/2021 12:01

I'd go in a heartbeat for my Mum and she would for me too. Even though I have a perfectly capable DH, that certainly wouldn't stop her. Or me. Especially if she had specifically asked me to drop things off. YABU.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2021 12:01

@HighSpecWhistle

YANBU. The rules apply even if in hospital.

She has access to food, books and nightwear. She also has a partner who has had the vaccines so is safer.

I'm sorry but she can get used to the food like anyone else has to. It's edible (I actually quite liked it when in for a week a few years ago).

Also - even if she disagrees with you and feels put out, to send you a nasty text is just not on.

Why doesn't your brother help if he's breaking rules anyway?

The ward allows visitors. The op would be providing care to a vulnerable person. What rule would the op be breaking? Hmm
Donoteatthekittens · 13/02/2021 12:02

I’m pregnant and would do it for my mum. I’ve been having regular hospital appointments. After all, if masks and hand washing work so well then what is the problem?

JackieeWeaver · 13/02/2021 12:02

I really hope your mum is going to be ok. And finds someone close who is able to assist her, and who has empathy and compassion for the situation she is in.

I'd choose helping my mum every time, no question - I wouldn't be the person I am without her.

Do the right thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2021 12:02

@HighSpecWhistle

YANBU. The rules apply even if in hospital.

She has access to food, books and nightwear. She also has a partner who has had the vaccines so is safer.

I'm sorry but she can get used to the food like anyone else has to. It's edible (I actually quite liked it when in for a week a few years ago).

Also - even if she disagrees with you and feels put out, to send you a nasty text is just not on.

Why doesn't your brother help if he's breaking rules anyway?

She’s got no clean pants!
MiJulee · 13/02/2021 12:03

You asked a AIBU. You have received 63 answers mostly saying yes but you still need clarification?!

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 12:03

Still appears I am unreasonable
Also I would be going to a shop for said items while sdad could bring them from home. I haven’t been in a shop for ages
I don’t hate her for those who asked, I am usually very good about helping her out and pre Covid when she was in hospital she got daily visits and meals so it’s not that I’m selfish and all the other things I have been called (well it is AIBU so I was prepared for that) , this is purely due to the Covid risk.

OP posts:
crumpet · 13/02/2021 12:05

One compromise is that you prepare what it is that she needs both clothes and food wise and drop it off at your step dads so that he can deliver. That was he doesn’t have the burden of working out that he needs to take

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 12:05

@Scarlettpixie

If your SD’s ‘cognitive issues’ don’t affect this, why mention it?

I think YABU OP. I wouldn’t leave my mum with no clean knickers. Poor woman.

Sdad could have got clean undies to her faster than me.
OP posts:
SmallPrawnEnergy · 13/02/2021 12:06

but I have a brother who feels he is immune to Covid and a sdad who actually is so other people could do this for her
How is your sdad immune? Just because he’s vaccinated? Because that’s not how it works? Have you asked your brother?
I don’t really understand what the issue is you socially distance, wash your hands and wear a mask it’s a very slim risk, which is a risk I’d be willing to take to ensure my mum was comfortable and clean.

Babyboomtastic · 13/02/2021 12:07

Sorry, totally selfish IMO.
Just get your mum some snacks and clean pants FFS. She day up with you night after night when you were a baby and dealt with all your teenage strops.

Schoolisback1973 · 13/02/2021 12:07

I wouldn't listen to my DH if he told me not to drop clean undies and fresh food to my mum who is in his hospital!
I'd tell him to do one! Surely if he doesn't know what's right or wrong or have more empathy fo your own mum, you should! She is yours!

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2021 12:07

You said he was “vulnerable”.
Is that not correct?

What you’ve done before is not relevant. She is in hospital in need now.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 12:07

@crumpet

One compromise is that you prepare what it is that she needs both clothes and food wise and drop it off at your step dads so that he can deliver. That was he doesn’t have the burden of working out that he needs to take
He is capable of making her a sarnie (plenty of food in as I sent them a delivery), taking undies out of a drawer and dropping them off for her. He has memory issues but more long term. He is currently living alone and is fine as I call him daily and my brother visits occasionally
OP posts:
Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2021 12:09

@Schoolisback1973

I wouldn't listen to my DH if he told me not to drop clean undies and fresh food to my mum who is in his hospital! I'd tell him to do one! Surely if he doesn't know what's right or wrong or have more empathy fo your own mum, you should! She is yours!
To be fair to DH he was the one who dropped off her clean nighties this week even when the nurse doing his blood test advised him not to.
OP posts:
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