Punishing the wrong person aibu

[Createsuser]

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

@LyndaSnellsSniff

Is anybody else picturing Marlon Brando in the role of Grandad?

I'm thinking more of Gregory Peck lashed to the sinking Pequod, railing against the waves and the world and that damn child whale.

I am not a big fan of so called humour that hurts people's feelings but in this case grandad can do one

B apologised and that should be the end of the matter. Kids are struggling at the minute and they need support not punishment. It seems that this was out of character and should be treated as such.

Dgf is a grown up and needs to act accordingly. I would not allow a relationship with anyone who treated my dc like this. I would be extremely worried about the dynamics of A’s relationship with dgf when he defends him behaving in a manner that is utterly unfair and unreasonable.

This is 2021 and I don't fall into line with the whole "Grandad is head of the family, respect your elders" Victorian bullshit. How controlling. I feel sorry for his wife and the other people who have to tiptoe around him.

My dad is 85 and my FIL is 80 and I have a cheeky 11-year-old. If they said something inappropriate to either of them, they would get a verbal clip around the ear, move on and I'm sure my DS wouldn't do it again. He is a child, he is navigating the world and he'll learn. GF's know this.

Neither of them would withhold anything and if they did, after a genuine apology I would tell them to jog on then, I'll just buy it myself. We don't accept presents with conditions.

One of the things I am very glad of is that there is not a power imbalance in my family and there isn't one with my in-laws either. DH and I have money of our own, that no one helped us get or has any influence over. My MIL has form for threats like this but she stopped doing it when I told her to crack on love, no one will give it more than a second thought.

Personally, I would tell GF that that is fine, keep his money. Go spend it on a new yacht and sail off into the sunset. I would buy him a book on sailing routes around Somali and post it to him.

The child has apologised.
GF not accepting it is his issue
Gifts do not come with rules
GF is controlling and this would be a massive issue for me.
GF punishing the other child would be a massive issue for me.
I would be certainly be ensuing the child knew they were wrong and having that discussion but if it were my kids they wouldn’t be begging for forgiveness and I would be telling GF this.
Head of house is a red flag for me.

Seems to me like your friend is making up excuses the whole time. They 'didnt realise' their 'impulsive, cheeky and funny' daughter was making inappropriate comments - 3 times - so the "strict" grandfather is 'punishing' the GC, and the parents by extension, by withholding something.

What does your friend feel is her responsibility in this, or is she blameless and "she just didnt see it".

It is sad the GF is using his money as a weapon, but it is even sadder that your friend is throwing everyone else under the bus rather than taking responsibility her/himself

I remember as a child, probably 9/10, we had started renting a colour television. I went to stay at my aunt and uncle's for the weekend. I couldn't work out what was wrong with their TV, I asked s couple of times if it was OK, then it clicked, I was watching in black and white, not colour as I had got used to.
So I said, I know what's wrong, it's not in colour.
I was just making an observation but they took it really badly, and thought I was boasting. As a young child I didn't have the know how to realise how it might sound to them.

I assume this is how this situation was.

Okay just realised from your other posts that a and b are children! That's a shame but that's kids for you. Perhaps get a B to send a nice sorry card, and forget about the whole thing. If he's still mad, then that's his problem. I'm intrigued by the withdrawal of privileges?! Is it a large like a university fund or something smaller like a Netflix subscription?

The child has apologised.
GF not accepting it is his issue
Gifts do not come with rules

That is up to the gift-giver. Personally, I think a line where someone doesn’t get to be repeatedly rude to and then hang up on you is probably a reasonable one.

I'm only asking as I wonder if your friend has a bit of a blind spot with the 11 year olds "cheeky humour"

Grandpa does sound like an Authoritarian Victorian to be fair

Grandad sounds like a dick.

My thoughts;

1. Granddad sounds like he's full of his own importance which I suspect can irritate but he still doesn't deserve to be insulted.

1. B is 11 - that's pretty young and it sounds like they haven't had good boundaries enforced. I would have expected that as soon as the first inappropriate thing was said someone should have taken her to task and she should have apologised - not been allowed to carry on.

1. Punishing A as well shows that the person is a small-minded person in my opinion.

1. Helping out small children (I'm assuming financially in some way) comes with nonsense - help should be given freely or not at all - you can't hold children to the same standards as adults.

I have an aunt who is extremely well off and essentially tries to control everything with her money - it allows her to get get away with some truly terrible behaviour. I refused to allow myself to be controlled and therefore I am persona non grata.

If the grandfather isn't willing to accept a real apology from an 11 year old then he's really not a very pleasant man, is he?

I think B needs to apologise to GF, and explain that it was nothing to do with A. Otherwise it's totally unfair for A, while B has learned good lesson that words can hurt people, even it had no malice behind it.

AStudyinPink gifts with strings aren't actually gifts but power plays, and should always be politely refused/ returned. Giving a gift in order to have the power to punish or hurrt by taking it back is far more underhand and unpleasant than never giving gifts. Accepting that kind of gift from that kind of person on behalf of your children is frankly stupid.

I wouldn't be running around after granddad trying to appease him.

We've all put our foot in it at times. If B wasn't being deliberately malicious then the punishment has gone too far.

A's acceptance of his grandad's bad behaviour is concerning. Sounds like he is being scapegoated by the granddad. Is this a regular dynamic?

It’s hard to judge the severity without knowing the incident and the punishment.
If it was actually singing sea shanties or another song that’s popular, that has inadvertently offended the GF then I think he needs to get over himself. 11YO are immature, and one that’s ‘cheeky’ might be inclined to show off a bit, that’s what I’m imagining may have happened.
If she’s outright offended him by telling jokes about big noses or similar than I think she could have reasonably expected to have been told off,
Though If he has stopped their school fees, I think that’s disgraceful on his part.

As for the boat he sank, that is totally fair game to take the piss out of in my book.

Ah, I know what's happened!!

GF really did sink a boat. The problem is, he's in the RNLI, so it was a pretty important one!

I think he's getting at the parents more than A and B, otherwise he'd just have punished B.

If a child repeatedly made 'cheeky' jokes about the big nose or crashed yacht that I was sensitive about and then hung up on me when I was telling them off then I wouldn't feel much like paying for something nice for them either. Learning that you can't just be unkind to someone and expect it not to change anything is important.

I do think it's very unfair to A, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, and wonder if a previous commenter was right in thinking there could be a cultural issue where elder siblings are seen as responsible for younger ones in some way. Otherwise I can't understand granddad's rationale in taking whatever it is away from him too, especially if he's known to be sensible and mature.

The grand parents need to cut the kid some slack.

Kids that age are still learning what the boundaries of good humour are. She's tried to apologize and sounds like the GF is just being pedantic now he needs to grow up

@PhilCornwall1 I wonder if the GF is in fact grandad from Only Fools and Horses

I'm confused. If what the 11 year old was 'joking' about was so bad, why didn't the actual parents stop them before it got to the point of GF shouting???

Without knowing how bad the comments were or how often this sort of thing happens then it's pretty impossible for randoms on the internet to judge who's in the wrong here.

The fact the child is only 11 and has apologised but GF is refusing to accept the apology, makes GF sound more childish than the 11 year old!

I wouldn't be surprised if the granddaughter doesn't want any part of any more Zoom calls to be honest.

I think the parents need to sort their children's behaviour out and telling GF to bloody grow up!

[quote FossilisedFanny]@WeatherwaxOn I think the Op said the child was singing sea shanties and the gf got upset because he had crashed his yacht some time before.[/quote]
In which case gf is being utterly ridiculous and childish.

GF sounds like a thin skinned narcissist. An apology has been issued, that's all that needs to happen. DF should ignore the sulking. A & B should be taught not to pander to narcissists.

Grandpa is a weirdo