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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Punishing the wrong person aibu

534 replies

Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:09

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
Morten · 13/02/2021 09:37

Grandfather needs to get over himself and stop acting like a petulant child by taking his ball back or whatever it is he's withholding. He lost his temper and shouted, B wasn't being intentionally malicious and is only 11 so can make mistakes and learn. Grandfather is an adult but not one I'd have influencing my children's lives by taking back something on a whim.

This may be a blessing in disguise and a chance to change the family dynamics to a more even path.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 09:37

I think the GF has blown this out of proportion. Child said something rude , GF retaliated , child apologised, GF is still sulking.
Daft all round tbh.

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 09:38

B wasn't being intentionally malicious and is only 11 so can make mistakes and learn.

We don’t know what she said.

converseandjeans · 13/02/2021 09:39

Also they will likely lose contact now with the grandchildren. So they're cutting their nose off to spite their face 🤷🏻‍♀️

WeatherwaxOn · 13/02/2021 09:42

It's really hard to know if the gf has overreacted without knowing what was said.
If it was a one-off 'insult' and there has been an apology, then it seems harsh. If it is yet another example in a constant series of rude remarks, not so much.
Is the 'punishment' more severe because the youngest is a girl and girls are held to different (higher) standards to boys?

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 09:43

Also they will likely lose contact now with the grandchildren. So they're cutting their nose off to spite their face 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sure they won’t lose contact. Why would they?

MzHz · 13/02/2021 09:43

The idea that my oh dad (shudder) or mine for that matter would take their role of head of my family very seriously and make decisions and punishments about my kids is preposterous

I hear it happens with silly MILs assuming the role of matriarch.

Would never happen with me, fuck off love! I’M the matriarch of my family.

This is a weird and fucked up situation. Your friend needs to reevaluate her set up and take back control of her own family

DietrichandDiMaggio · 13/02/2021 09:43

You say it's definitely a friend, but you seem to know lots about their family dynamics and details of what was said by whom (like child A's comment), and their intentions.
If it isn't you then it wouldn't be outing to tell us what was actually said and the punishment, after all grandad isn't likely to be on Mumsnet, is he?

AStudyinPink · 13/02/2021 09:44

*Would never happen with me, fuck off love! I’M the matriarch of my family.

This is a weird and fucked up situation. Your friend needs to reevaluate her set up and take back control of her own family*

But she has control of her family. She just doesn’t have control of grandad’s cash.

billybagpuss · 13/02/2021 09:45

Is it likely to blow over or does he have form for bearing a grudge?

MzHz · 13/02/2021 09:46

True. But gifts come with ribbons and bows, not with strings attached

If he wants to give a gift, he gives it. Doesn’t use it as a weapon.

I’d not accept his contributions again, I’d not give him the opportunity to hurt my dc again on a huffy whim.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 09:47

The op hasn’t clarified. But it does seem this is likely something joint, so to punish one he has to punish both. It’s not Netflix but something like that. Where both kids get the one thing.

Child b obviously made repeated jokes, I think thr op said three, and she will have seen her grandfathers face after the first. So it will feel she was deliberately rude. And persisted. I don’t know why the parents didn’t step in immediately and stop it. I think if they did, then the grandfather wouldn’t be so upset now.

And he is clearly very upset, as from the example the op set, she has joked about something he finds hard. And repeatedly so.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/02/2021 09:47

This thread perfectly illuatrates why you shouldn't let yourself depend on grandparents to pay for anything for your children - there are always strings and its always a power play even if it's an unconcious one.

Crosstrainer · 13/02/2021 09:47

Agree we need more context here. Was B silly, or actually downright rude and insulting? And has the grandfather withdrawn pocket money or, as others have alluded to, school fees? There’s a huge difference in both scenarios. If B was actually rude and he’s withdrawn a treat, then he’s perfectly justified. If she was a bit silly and childish and he’s withdrawn two sets of school fees, then that is awful......

Punching · 13/02/2021 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 13/02/2021 09:49

@MzHz

The idea that my oh dad (shudder) or mine for that matter would take their role of head of my family very seriously and make decisions and punishments about my kids is preposterous

I hear it happens with silly MILs assuming the role of matriarch.

Would never happen with me, fuck off love! I’M the matriarch of my family.

This is a weird and fucked up situation. Your friend needs to reevaluate her set up and take back control of her own family

teaching one of her kids manners and how to accept a reproach would be a good start
notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2021 09:49

Impossible to say if GF was unreasonable without knowing what B said. But it's a good lesson for B to learn, that actions have consequences, and if you're rude, people don't like it

Quartz2208 · 13/02/2021 09:50

B clearly offended and should apologise that I don’t think is up for debate. B needs to learn that words hurt and needs to be careful with them

But the grandfather can’t be using gifts like this as a power play to retain control and should favour.

Spidey66 · 13/02/2021 09:50

I can see both sides. I don't think the children should be collectively punished. However, at that age (as now) if I'd crossed a line, anbd upset somebody, I'd be angry with myself, and apologise to the person concerned. In my book, to apologise means you reflected on what happened, have the insight to understand where you went wrong, and won't do it again. Ok I'm an adult, but I think that an 11 year old should be able to do that as well (obviously unless there are special needs.) The gf should take on board how sincere the apology was (ie if it had been me at that age I would have been tearful and snotty at the thought of upsetting my grandad.)

NotSorry · 13/02/2021 09:51

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Gf sounds like one of those dreadful old men who expect everything to be done their way and has very little idea about the realities of children. His role as head of the family? Give over. Respect your elders? Respect is earned. Frankly I would have very little respect for him for punishing A for something B did. Lockdown is affecting everyone so maybe thats why B didnt realise they missed the mark and why he is taking it so personally?
Agree - I hate all this “respect your elders” malarkey when elders can also behave badly
VettiyaIruken · 13/02/2021 09:51

I'm guessing school fees or paying for a club or something.

B has learned an important lesson here. Don't make insulting comments and pretend it's "cheeky jokes". And don't get upset when your rude 'jokes' are not well received.

I feel sorry for A though. If I were the parent I'd focus on trying to minimise the effect on A, rather than trying to restore B to their pre-rude position. At least for a while.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 09:52

@WeatherwaxOn I think the Op said the child was singing sea shanties and the gf got upset because he had crashed his yacht some time before.

Whattodo1610 · 13/02/2021 09:52

astudy ... not in my eyes. You can’t control someone’s behaviour by bank rolling. Its quite creepy to bank roll in order to control their life/behaviour. An 11 year old child makes a mistake/bad judgement, fir which she apologised, and bank rolling is immediately withdrawn. No discussing why it was unacceptable, no discussing what the consequences would be if it happened again, no ‘chances’ (as in, that was out of order for x reason, this is your warning, do it again, bank roll removed). Poor child was probably very confused at the whole situation, and was probably to her, an overreaction on GF part.

I’ll fund twice weekly drama school - but only if you behave impeccably 24/7/365 ...controlling, not nice. I’ll fund twice weekly drama school because I love you dgd and want to help you ... nice, normal.

Aaaaaah · 13/02/2021 09:52

@MzHz

True. But gifts come with ribbons and bows, not with strings attached

If he wants to give a gift, he gives it. Doesn’t use it as a weapon.

I’d not accept his contributions again, I’d not give him the opportunity to hurt my dc again on a huffy whim.

Well said, I completely agree with you
MartiniDry · 13/02/2021 09:52

If the "thing" provided by Grandad was school fees I'd be concerned. If it's anything else I'd be telling my children that Grandad has made a decision, and that's life, learn from it. Move on.

I wonder if Grandfather's non-acceptance of B's apology is due to him feeling that the child has made it only to be granted the "thing" again?

The person who said that they'd go LC with grandparents because of this is imho being ridiculous. I'm with team SylviaPlath84!