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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

499 replies

luckyinblue · 12/02/2021 16:47

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable. Sad

OP posts:
Callingallbutterflies · 13/02/2021 08:27

My sister has just had a baby and is worried about this very situation. Feeling sad is allowed!

Can your husband take some leave to support you through this? You can spend time together with the baby in the day and also do something else apart. Gives you a break and both of you time to talk properly in the day rather than the rushed hour in the evening when you are both tired. Weekends fly by so a longer period of time might be needed?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 13/02/2021 09:01

Sorry, OP, I assumed your baby was at least a few months old.

So at 8 weeks you've had 6 weeks recovery from C-section and a baby who doesn't nap. At 8 weeks I was still barely a human and slept as much as possible.

If it's the adult interaction that you're wanting during the day then why is your DH not available of he wfh. Does he work solidly with no breaks ever? Did he take any paternity leave?

Don't attempt to watch anything that needs concentration, I used to just put a channel on and leave it playing, usually E4 cos it's all repeats of repeats so I could watch small bits of a show then the next bit of it a few hours later.

The first couple of months are shit. Everything goes on about how wonderful babies are. Babies are rubbish, they are much better once they are a bit more mobile and reactive. I hated the tiny baby stage. Constantly worried about why she was crying, if she was hungry or tired... I think I had a touch of intense baby blues because I honestly didn't bond with DD in that way that the books go on about. I felt bored and miserable and lonely, even with people able to visit. We live a bit away from folk so it's like asking some people to move country with the effort it feels like they have to put in to get here (it's literally less than an hours drive from the major city but might as well be the north pole with some attitudes).

I think you need to speak to DH. If he's in the house he needs to show face at lunchtime.

Ledkr · 13/02/2021 09:17

Sorry if its already been said but isnt it ok to bubble with another family when u have a young child?

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 13/02/2021 10:02

I sympathise.

In my experience babies can often settle down and sleep better at 9 weeks. No idea why. Possibly because, like you, I'd absolutely had enough of the Velcro baby situation by then, so I put them down for a couple of naps regardless. After the first I was able-indeed, had to -remind myself that there was another little one who would like some lunch and a nappy change and that his majesty the baby had had his turn.

TwirpingBird · 13/02/2021 10:05

@Ledkr

Sorry if its already been said but isnt it ok to bubble with another family when u have a young child?
Most people bubble with family. If you have no family around you wont have many people who will bubble with you, as they would rather their family.
Original poster
luckyinblue · 13/02/2021 10:58

That is it exactly twerping

OP posts:
TwirpingBird · 13/02/2021 12:25

OP I have nobody who will bubble with me either, but I have found a few friends who are willing to meet in a park or a playground in addition to their bubble. It keeps me from going completely insane from loneliness.

Dancingwithdreams · 13/02/2021 12:47

Oh that’s so sad. Maybe I should put a message out on my local groups saying I’m happy to bubble with new mums! Mine are preschool and older but I remember those days vividly. Sending loads of hugs and encouragement to all of you struggling.

cherryolives · 13/02/2021 12:51

So your DH finishes work at 6pm, you have an hour with him and then put the baby to bed at 7pm and you stay with your baby?

What on earth do you do that for?!

Original poster
luckyinblue · 13/02/2021 12:53

What would you suggest I do then cherry, I’m sure you know better than me from your tone so do tell me where I’m going wrong.

OP posts:
TheVelvetiser · 13/02/2021 13:04

@luckyinblue I feel for you so much. My NCT friends and the baby groups were the thing that kept me sane and I look back on those days with so much fondness. This is rotten for you.

gingganggooleywotsit · 13/02/2021 13:05

@cherryolives try reading the thread before commenting

Calmdown14 · 13/02/2021 13:30

Maybe you could reframe your thinking a bit OP as you are quite right, it is what it is just now.
I think a lot of people assumed your baby to be older because you are still in the chaos stage, amplified by a c section and non napping baby. To be thinking you'd really like to get out and meet people indicates you are coping really well and you shouldn't underestimate that.
Perhaps in terms of walking, you could look at is less as a source of enjoyment but what it achieves. I can remember trying for hours to get my baby to sleep, failing miserably and giving up and taking the glass recycling with him in a carrier. Dropping bottles from a great height into an empty bin appeared to be very soothing as he fell asleep during the massive smashing sounds! I also used to go out just so I was glad to be back in the house rather than feeling trapped in four walls. It isn't essential you enjoy the walk and many mothers are doing in just to get a baby to nap (although motion doesn't work for all of them).
If you are a practical person, maybe try not to look at this as endless nothingness but break it down so for the next four weeks you work out the best way to change your baby in a carry cot, buy a decent insulated mug, make some online connections and filter out the ones you do and don't click with. Then as restrictions ease you are good to go and can make the most of the rest of your mat leave.
People have been unkind and it's not misery top trumps but please don't sour this time with your baby thinking everyone loved it. The first few weeks are hard and lonely even surrounded by people. That doesn't make it any less hard for you and of course you are entitled to have down moments. Anyone who wouldn't feel like this is lying!

Bigheaded · 13/02/2021 13:47

OP your tone isn’t any better and I do feel for your situation, however it could be like this lockdown or not. In a PP you suggested that mums saying that didn’t reply on baby swimming or baby classes, and in my case we tried them all but it didn’t go anywhere and no new mum friends were made. We moved countries during lockdown and despite it being semi-locked down here I’ve made more mum friends here than I did on my maternity leave despite it being in 2019 and pre covid.
If you want baby classes and friends put yourself out there, Facebook is a great place to find mum friends especially now when no one can leave. You got this!

cherryolives · 13/02/2021 13:49

@luckyinblue

What would you suggest I do then cherry, I’m sure you know better than me from your tone so do tell me where I’m going wrong.
Not go to bed at 7pm is what I think you should do, obviously.
Jeremyironseverything · 13/02/2021 13:52

I must admit that I thought people were crazy to try to conceive last year knowing what was in store. I appreciate you couldn't wait op and your situation does sound hard but you had no choice. Others did.

Remember this too shall pass. It's hard white you are going through it all op. The weather should improve soon, which will help.

Ellabellaboo2020 · 13/02/2021 13:56

@luckyinblue where about’s are you? Maybe some of us that feel the same could be near you and could meet up?

As for the don’t go to bed at 7pm comment... when you don’t have one of these sleeping babies that sleeps during the day and all night I’m afraid that’s what you have to do to get by. Either that or no sleep and end up so sleep deprived and exhausted that you can’t look after you or baby HTH it’s not rocket science!

TheBuffster · 13/02/2021 14:01

I completely sympathize. Our baby was born in lockdown and we have all the usual rubbish on top of baby being unable to sleep without us. It's very easy for people with low needs baby experience to say do x, y and z.
I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like everyone is using your post as a bit of a one upmanship. It's ok to be sad and upset at your circumstances even if others have worse.
The only advice I can give is try and build some me time into the day. Even if baby is literally always there having a cup of tea or something. If baby is asleep put on a movie you like.
Also dress baby up and take lots of pictures. DH and I realized we have hardly any family pictures because no one could take it.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 13/02/2021 14:11

Your DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting Monday to Friday. He sounds like he needs to step up and support you. If he sets his own hours, could he work 9-5, with a lunch break in the middle, so he can spend some time with the baby and with you.

You're not a single parent and shouldn't have to be for 5 days out of 7.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 13/02/2021 14:15

So you think I should either leave an 8 week old alone or stay up with an exhausted crying baby. Right then.

Bigheaded my tone is because I really think the sleep thing has been done to death and I’m really fed up of repeating myself, to be honest. Yes, maybe actually having options for the day that don’t involve walking in the cold and wet wouldn’t help. But you know, it might.

I don’t really want DHs help to be honest, it tends to create more work!

TheBuffster one of the things I’ve found is that babies vary so much, and even my baby is different one day to the next. Sleep at night is currently excellent though so it would be good if it could stay that way.

OP posts:
Festivemama · 13/02/2021 14:24

I know how you feel OP, my baby is 4 months and I feel the same. Everyone saying that it would be the same regardless of lockdown...no it wouldn't. Yes it's winter and cold, but I was looking forward to going to cafes, taking us for lunch, going to baby yoga and swim classes, visiting friends on the weekends. I don't even go with my husband grocery shopping as our local Tesco is only allowing one person per household.

Also, we take our baby up at 7:30pm and I stay up there too. I know she'll wake again in 30 mins for a feed and by the time she's fed and back down, it's 8:30pm/9:00pm and I'm tired enough to go to bed. You're not alone there. Don't let everyone tell you that your nighttime routine needs to change, I would love more time with my husband to just have a glass of wine and watch telly, but ultimately sleep is more important right now AND you're correctly following safe sleep guidelines. I'm hoping this changes after 6 months.

I don't know what you usually do, but I try to plan the days between naps. Wake up, tummy time and playmat. Nap. Go for a walk with a coffee. Nap. Sensory time with activities and singing etc. Nap. FaceTime with my mum. Then husband is home. Obviously this varies a bit but I do my best. I also meet with weekly with girls from our online NCT class for a walk. Yes it's illegal as I'm meeting with 3 other people but we walk in groups of 2 and we all need it for our mental health.

This will pass. But it doesn't make it any easier in the meantime. Hugs.

TheBuffster · 13/02/2021 14:31

I really hope it does stay good for night sleeps. Our ds is very much not but that's just the way it is. Hopefully not forever!Confused

Sheepies · 13/02/2021 14:33

Thanks, I was hesitant about zoom classes as I couldn’t see how I’d be able to settle baby and go on zoom as well but worth a shot!

Everyone will be in the same boat, so I wouldn't worry about that. In honesty the beauty of zoom is that you could even mute or leave the class whenever!

I don't know why some are saying it would the same as without lockdown either, elements are the same, but you have a choice. Even if you want to sit indoors, knowing it's a choice imo is different to doing so as there's fuck all to do!

TwirpingBird · 13/02/2021 14:37

Everyone saying that it would be the same regardless of lockdown...no it wouldn't.

I have a 3 month old, and was on mat leave exactly 2 years ago. This is SOOOOO much harder. Its cripplingly lonely. I went to every soft play, nct coffee meetup, church baby group, and library baby music hour with DD1. DD2 has been in our house and the GPs. She has seen 1 other human, and thay was my friend who dropped something off for me, and I stood at the door with the baby. That's it. I take her for walks but she just sleeps. This cannot be compared with pre pandemic mat leave. You have no choices, nowhere to go, nobody to speak to, not even the cashier at the local shop.

Onedropbeat · 13/02/2021 15:46

Not to mention the added stresses with anxiety about keeping free from illness as you don’t want to be catching Covid at anytime let alone when you have a new baby

Yet you have to attend some of the potentially most spreadable places such as hospitals for appointments

I’m jealous of people who have partners who wfh as at least then there might be some company at lunchtime or during a break

When you’re DH leaves early and doesn’t get back until late it’s a lovely existence with a baby

Lonely, and stressful. And I think it’s that combination that can turn dangerous